AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

I guess I am in the minority, but my DH has a sport he is massively passionate about and makes him feel closer to his deceased father (but no it's not rugby 😅) but if he got offered corporate hospitality on the same day as my DM's 80th birthday celebrations, he'd be disappointed, but he wouldn't even raise the idea of cancelling on my mum. That's without the factors of being heavily pregnant and travel.

Also, it is massively hypocritical given the pressure he is putting you under to attend all of his family gatherings. It sounds like it wouldn't even be an option for you if the roles were reversed and frankly, the double standards would really make me spit ...

There are several solutions to this, but I think the OP doesn’t really want him to go

The general rule for me is if you accept an invitation then you don't get to change your mind if something "better" comes along. Although there are always exceptions.

Sounds like your DH has already made up his mind though so your options are:

• mum collects you and taxi home
• DH drops you and taxi home
• taxi both ways

Would it be a viable option to get DH to drop you at your mums the night before? Or would that just be too much hassle?

How long is your journey? Do you not have black cabs (so baby sits in the pram in the back of the cab?)

Are you overthinking it all a bit @Chunkychips23 ?

I’ve asked him to message her and apologise, but he hasn’t yet. I think it’s his disregard for her also that’s getting me worked up. I haemorrhaged at 33wks last pregnancy. My mum came straight away, offered to mop up the litre of blood that was spread across our bathroom floor, get mine and my babies things together, advocate for me and give him a break so he could rest etc. She was there for him when he was terrified and traumatised, when his mum said she wasn’t going to come and be with him because she didn’t like driving at night, just text her if the baby is being delivered. We lived 15mins from her back then.

She’s supported him through his own issues, she drops everything to babysit, she’s even cut short a break she’s booked because he asked if she could take DC for an evening so I can join him at an event as a surprise. She does enough. This is why I don’t want her to have to be the one to come get me and also why I’m disappointed in his lack of regard in missing her birthday and his attitude.

Next dh family event, I would be still in my pjs, saying you take ds and go. I need to rest. You will have to drag me kicking and screaming, and the neighbours will call the police, as they should.

Based on this most recent update

Is your DH always an ungrateful prick?

Thank God for your Mum as he's obviously a very selfish man.

And tell him that now- say he gets to go to his thing plenty of times, your mum never gets. A break, he hasn’t even called her, and if this is how he regards someone who has helped so much, then at least you know you don’t ever need to go visit his family again when you’re tired and pregnant, and his mum can fuck off if she has a problem with it. You tell her that I’m much nicer to her than he is to his very helpful mil.

Sorry, but I think you are to blame for your own predicament. Big girl pants on, tell him to grow up and support you as a husband and a father, time to stop playing with his toys. Your problem is you will allow him to make you feel guilty if you say he can't go, and you can't face that. Does he feel guilty for not offering to help you out? As you said, there will be other opportunities, and he is a grown man, not a child missing a treat.

Ding ding ding!

OP, are your the poster with a thread about a partner booking a hotel for a night out about a month ago?
If it is the same chap, I'd be rather annoyed that he hasn't sought to take you to DM's early, so you both get what you want. I'm hoping it's not the same person. Look after yourself, OP.

I think there are obviously a lot of wider issues in your relationship here, but in your understandably hormonal state you are using that underlying rage to deflect from what is frustration with yourself and your wider family that is leaving you so dependent on him.

These issues need unpicking but they are separate things.

I know he's your DH and you obviously love him, but his behaviour has been awful, particularly to your mum whose help and support he takes completely for granted in. From what you've said about your MIL and your DH's behaviour I don't think that the apple has fallen very far from the tree.

He said he’s going to have to either travel down the night before or first thing in the AM as it’s the otherside of the country, so can’t.

It’s a train ride to get to the town and then a taxi to the venue. Just too far to get a taxi all the way there unfortunately.

Yeah I’m probably overthinking things and it will likely all work out ok. I did have a shite nights sleep due to the joys of pregnancy, so probably not in the best head space. If this was even a month ago, I’d still be a bit annoyed at him letting my mum down and me last minute, but I’d have been physically fine to crack on with it.

So when you have 2 dc are you never taking them anywhere alone then?

Given the update about how much your mum does for him, and you both, and that it's a big birthday and an event, then actually he should be wanting to go to your mum's event.

The issues with his family are separate and should be dealt with separately.

But also, no where is to far to go in a taxi. He should pay for a taxi the whole way as a minimum

I think kindly, YABU. I do get it. But what he’s been offered is mega, he definitely shouldn’t miss it
try and get a baby sitter then the whole thing will seem like less of an effort. Will be a nice opportunity for you to enjoy a relaxing lunch yourself, OP!
also you really need to prioritise driving lessons. I know you say it’s never usually an issue, but this one event shows it clearly is. Also, I’d be a bit irritated having someone so reliant on me to get around if I was in your DHs shoes.

Put DC in pushchair and get the train and book a hackney cab at other end where the pushchair can remain up with DC in it.

Well he has given you the best get out from his family’s events ever - I wouldn’t go if I wasn’t up to it and he can say nothing at all in response.

With regard to the lunch, if you’re not up to travelling, you can’t go. There will be other birthday lunches. Stay home, let him go to the rugby, and never feel obliged to attend any of his family events ever again.

He is leaving you the night before with a toddler as well for this event (which if it is England is 4:45 where do you live to need to travel that early for Twickenham?)

he is single mindedly blinkered about this and his need to see it isn’t he - isn’t not that he wants to go just that he has made it a priority which for me would say a lot

In your shoes, particularly with such a traumatic delivery last time around I'd be saying, bad timing love but you've made a commitment to attend, my mum goes out of her way to support us and you are just going to have to miss this match.

Or stay at home and give the whole thing a swerve. Take your mother out another time. But if it's a big birthday, that longstanding commitment already made should be sacrosanct. That combined with your state of pregnancy. Crappy timing for him but that's life. He presumably had something to do with the pregnancy.

My DH is sport mad and spends a lot of time at sports
But if he got invited to a corporate event when we had a family event in the calendar he would turn it down,no question

He sounds like a selfish prick to me, with no regard for the pregnancy and safety of the baby

I'd be cancelling going to the big birthday. It sounds too much if you are that exhausted. Your husband not being able to drive you around sounds like a minor part of the problem

Book assistance for the train. They will get you on and settled. I'm in my 70z and did it with 12 month old grandson and when they got us off I could have walked to exit but they insisted on carrying my bag to the ext where DD met us. I'm pretty sure between them and taxi driver they'd have got us into a taxi but wouldn't one of your family meet you?

Given he's said he has to travel the night before or early morning, why can't he drop you to your mother's the night before and then head off first thing in the morning? You would only have to do one leg of the journey then.

That said, I think he is being very selfish given the circumstances. My dh would be just as thrilled at the offer of corporate tickets for a 6 nations match but if he had already agreed to go to my mother's big birthday lunch, there would be no question of him cancelling the lunch.

The only plus side is you now know attendance at his family's events is not compulsory.