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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possible final straw with DH

292 replies

BestMumAva · 05/02/2025 16:14

I have name changed for this because I'm so embarrassed.

My DH went out with the lads last night, i don't know what time he got in as I was already asleep. This morning my alarm went off for work and I noticed the room smelt absolutely foul. I couldn't work out where it was coming from at first and thought the dog had messed in the house. I pulled the covers back and to my absolute horror, DH had fallen asleep next to me with no pants on and the bed was filled with what I can only describe as fecal confetti. I was absolutely repulsed and really really upset that he had got himself into such a state that this could happen.
As if things couldn't get any worse, the bathroom looked like it had been pebble-dashed - up the walls, over the edge of the bath, on the towels. I'm disgusted by him.
I didnt clean it up and he was still comatose when i left for work. He has texted me around midday wishing me a good day at work as if nothing has happened.
I don't want to go home and i don't even know where to begin discussing this with him,
WIBU to stay at a friend's tonight?

OP posts:
mummytrex · 06/02/2025 10:27

Jesus. Tell his mum about him being drunk AND the escort then mute her. You and your child deserve better than this.

Floralnomad · 06/02/2025 10:50

So did you tell his mum that he had shat the bed and was passed out pissed ?

Original poster
BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 10:56

I told her but she wasn't having any of it - she said he had a stomach bug. She's never going to believe me over him - why would she when she sees him as her precious boy.

Yes my LO is staying with my parents this week so I have the optin to go to them but it would mean taking time off work.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 06/02/2025 10:58

Well done for not cleaning it all up!

Floralnomad · 06/02/2025 11:03

@BestMumAva can you afford to rent somewhere or do you think you could get him to move out ?

AlertCat · 06/02/2025 11:05

BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 10:56

I told her but she wasn't having any of it - she said he had a stomach bug. She's never going to believe me over him - why would she when she sees him as her precious boy.

Yes my LO is staying with my parents this week so I have the optin to go to them but it would mean taking time off work.

I think it would be time off well spent. You could get things in motion, separating out your share of your joint money, finding somewhere to live etc. Take your passports, birth certificates, and marriage certificate plus any paperwork for pensions and savings, that sort of thing.

Worriednanof1 · 06/02/2025 11:25

You would think he would be so embarassed but he really doesn't sound it!

Dontbeme · 06/02/2025 11:26

I would be looking for a good solicitor to start divorce proceedings, and then if parents were supportive looking for a new job close to them. I would want a fresh start far away from him, his mother and their literal shit. If he had anything to say about any of that I would be telling him to discuss it with the octogenarian sex workers he favours.

TheAmusedQuail · 06/02/2025 11:44

If you can afford it, I'd stay where you are for the week (or go to the friend you mentioned before?).

What is the situation with your home? Is it jointly owned? Logically, you need the house for yourself and your daughter. He needs to move out. I know arranging that is where it becomes difficult.

Ultimately, you need to let him know that due to his alcohol addiction and prostitute use that you want a divorce. It's kind of irrelevant what his mother thinks, but I wouldn't hesitate to tell her about the prostitute. She'll be in denial about it of course.

Working out what you can do about where you and your daughter will live is your first priority and I understand how complex this is going to be.

But his recent behaviour is that of an addict and you can't allow your daughter to grow up in a home like that. The ONLY positive about all of this is that she was away for this horror.

So sorry @BestMumAva

MoonWoman69 · 06/02/2025 11:44

thepariscrimefiles · 06/02/2025 08:49

You seem to be the only voice who is finding excuses for OP's DH's behaviour. Shit may wash off, but it doesn't sound as though OP's DH has even bothered to try and clean up.

Show quote history

I think they were further referring to my post, which seems to have triggered them for some unknown reason! x

DogJog · 06/02/2025 11:51

Please take time off work if you can and stay with your parents. I couldn't be with a grown man who shits the bed then calls mummy to come clear it up. With the mummy issues manifesting in him being in contact with an elderly sex worker, I'd be out of there quicker than he managed to shat up the walls.

Trumptonagain · 06/02/2025 12:02

I'd phone your DH and say

Not only did you come home and shit so badly that it left the bathroom/bedroom, very nearly myself in an awful mess you then get your DM to come round and clear up after you, using the excuse that you had an upset tummy, no mention you rolled in having also had a gut full of booze.

Knowing that she dislikes me it's pretty obvious she'd be on the phone to me filling me in on exactly how much she dislikes me and how useless I am, is there a reason you did that and couldn't just man up and own the situation you yourself caused or was it to add to the further hurtful things that you have done to me?
If you really want a divorce that much just ask and I'll be happy to oblige...infact I'll be more than happy to start proceedings myself.

Could you have a chat with your work and see if you can take some leave, is your work something that could be done from home?

Original poster
BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 12:18

Another update - it gets even worse 😓
I had a call from H's best mate's wife. She's obviously heard about what happened, it seems H told best mate who then told her. She told me that there was something she had to tell me and that she felt awful that she hadnt told me before but didn't know what to do and her H had sworn her to secrecy.
It turns out DH DID do something with the sex worker. He justified it by saying it was, "just a blowie" , so didn't really count as cheating. I'm digusted! Apparently it all came about from some 'joke' between the lads of what it would be like to get a BJ from someone with no teeth. I want to vomit. How could I have been so stupid to believe him???? Has my whole marriage been a lie??
And I hadnt made a connection before between his mummy issues and this elderly woman - yuk! That makes it even worse!

I am going to stay with my parents even though it is a long drive and have told work my dad is sick & is an emergency so I can get some emergency leave.

thank you all for your support, i feel like an idiot, my head is a mess and i'm not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
Toooldtopretend · 06/02/2025 12:22

I’m so sorry but my god you will be so much better out of this absolute mess. He sounds absolutely revolting. Good luck - onwards and upwards without wasting a single minute more!

Nchanged89 · 06/02/2025 12:25

BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 12:18

Another update - it gets even worse 😓
I had a call from H's best mate's wife. She's obviously heard about what happened, it seems H told best mate who then told her. She told me that there was something she had to tell me and that she felt awful that she hadnt told me before but didn't know what to do and her H had sworn her to secrecy.
It turns out DH DID do something with the sex worker. He justified it by saying it was, "just a blowie" , so didn't really count as cheating. I'm digusted! Apparently it all came about from some 'joke' between the lads of what it would be like to get a BJ from someone with no teeth. I want to vomit. How could I have been so stupid to believe him???? Has my whole marriage been a lie??
And I hadnt made a connection before between his mummy issues and this elderly woman - yuk! That makes it even worse!

I am going to stay with my parents even though it is a long drive and have told work my dad is sick & is an emergency so I can get some emergency leave.

thank you all for your support, i feel like an idiot, my head is a mess and i'm not sure where to go from here.

Omg unbelievable behavior.

Cabinqueen · 06/02/2025 12:25

Well, that'll be the final straw for or me OP. Sorry you're going through this. I'd know where I'd be going.... off to contact a solicitor.... You and your child deserve more than this. Tell your folks what's happening and take a deep breath. 💐

Original poster
BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 12:26

I kind of wish we could bring back the death penalty i'm so angry 😡

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 12:29

Well on the plus side op, having read your mornings updates, there is no 'possibly' final straw about it.
He is repulsive.

Absolutely take leave for this.

Go to your parents and type in how to apply for divorce in to google whilst you're there.

Threewheeler1 · 06/02/2025 12:30

The rest of your life starts now OP.
Whatever the future holds for you and your DD, it will be a million times better than life with this deviant, nasty piece of work x

Rinkytoo · 06/02/2025 12:34

Oh OP, that’s awful. BUT you now don’t have to struggle with what decision to make - it has been made for you IMO - he has made it very easy for you now to tell him to fuck off. Dirty deceitful %|*~£#!
Why he’s told his mates what he did with the elderly sex worker, I have no clue, as surely to goodness they would find that disgusting not impressive or funny. He should be ashamed rather than banding the story around like some amusing anecdote.
Thank goodness for the mates wife finally telling you.
Youve quite rightly got the upper hand here OP and you can move on - the situation will be tough, but you can hold your head high while your soon2bXH lies in the gutter covered in his own shit.

JustMyView13 · 06/02/2025 12:36

Sometimes I think men cannot lower the bar any further, and then in strolls someone willing and able.

So sorry this is happening OP. You won’t feel it now but you’ll look back one day grateful he ‘ate a dodgy curry’. Sometimes we just cannot see what is infront of us x

TheAmusedQuail · 06/02/2025 12:43

@BestMumAva make sure you're keeping a record of all this (although I know it is horribly tattooed in your brain already) because some of this will be relevant when the issue of residency/custody of your daughter comes up. If he has a drink problem so extreme that he sh*ts all over your house to the extent his mother has to clean for him, and also that he uses prostitutes, he isn't fit to have sole charge of your daughter during visitation.

Coming to terms with all of this won't be easy I know. Sending love and support.

flipent · 06/02/2025 12:43

BestMumAva · 06/02/2025 12:26

I kind of wish we could bring back the death penalty i'm so angry 😡

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, but this is a very odd comment....!

As disgusting as his behaviour is.... non of it is illegal or would ever warrant that kind of punishment.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 12:48

He is a disgusting man. Please get sti checked...
And file for divorce.. The sense of relief will be huge...
Imagine never having to see his dm ever again?

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 06/02/2025 12:50

flipent · 06/02/2025 12:43

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, but this is a very odd comment....!

As disgusting as his behaviour is.... non of it is illegal or would ever warrant that kind of punishment.

Show quote history

OP is clearly JOKING.... do you really think posting this is empathetic/supportive/helpful or even kind to her?
Nobody needs the 'speech police' to tell us off when we vent!

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