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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

181 replies

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:

BabyFever246 · 05/02/2025 11:38

DSD is year 9 ... so surely you should just ask her.

Original poster

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:39

BabyFever246 · 05/02/2025 11:38

DSD is year 9 ... so surely you should just ask her.

Haven't done so yet as don't want it to be a Mum against Dad scenario. We want to discuss options with her Mum first.

OP posts:

HotPotatoesies · 05/02/2025 11:40

Definitely not an unreasonable suggestion, but one I can fully understand the mum not being onboard with. Worth discussing though!

I hope your DSD dares speak up and say which option she would prefer

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Gymmum82 · 05/02/2025 11:43

It’s 30 miles. Surely mum can just commute to work like most people do rather than uproot her daughter and upset her schooling? Honestly some parents are just unbelievably selfish.
I commute 25 miles twice daily to work 5 days a week. It’s not hard

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/02/2025 11:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your DSD is already half way through year 9 so you are only talking about 2.5 years of school before she may move back with her mother full time. If her mother is starting in a new job in a new field and new town she may find she appreciates not having to worry about school drop offs and pick ups, homework, and after school activities while she gets settled. She would also see her daughter full time at the weekends and school holidays so it would almost be like her daughter was a part time boarder at boarding school. No I wouldn't like to be separated from my DC during the week either but your DSD already stays with you three days a week so it isn't that much more.

Original poster

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:45

Gymmum82 · 05/02/2025 11:43

Oh yes to answer this, she doesn't drive and has said the train travel is unaffordable and takes too long.

OP posts:

Wolfhat · 05/02/2025 11:47

Absolutely a sensible suggestion. I can see why the mum would be dead against it but I can also see why the dad would be dead against her moving and he could possible get a prohibited steps order to prevent the move as it would disrupt established contact.

I can imagine this will be very fraught and I applaud you for not turning to the child and saying what do you want yet as it could put her in a very difficult position and hurt relationships.

However, year 9 is old enough to have a voice if handled correctly. I would propose to mum that they agree on an independent, family therapist to speak 1 on 1 with the child, reassure her and get her true thoughts and feelings. Then to work with mum and dad to mediate as they put their childs wants first.

If she point blank refuses he can raise the specter of prohibited steps. It may not be granted as she does need to find work but it wouldn't be pleasant for either party and would delay things so dont turn it into a fight and lets get a therapist in.

frazzledbutcalm · 05/02/2025 11:55

As dd stays with you 3 days per week now, it’s only an extra 2 days so does seem a sensible option. It’s something all of you, dsd included, need to sit down and work out together - it’s not something you can decide amongst yourselves, dsd needs to be included in all discussions.

sillysmiles · 05/02/2025 11:58

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Can I ask why? I get that as a mum she'd want her daughter with her, but if that means a lot of upset for the daughter and her future, then honestly imo the mums feelings should be second here after what is best for the child.

It sounds as though the best situation for the child is to stay in her school especially it is better than the alternative schools.

Also I commute 65km each way per day so I would see 30 miles is nothing.

The other option would be for the child to stay where she is until summer hols and look at starting in a new schools during the summer break.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 05/02/2025 12:00

The daughter is currently in Y9, that means she’d be starting a new school in a new city at the beginning of Y10. That’s the start of GCSE’s. So it’d be extremely disruptive for her all round, poor girl.

I understand the mums misgivings but she has to put her daughter first.

And in this instance it means either commuting each day (DD staying in same school), or living with dad in the week (staying in same school).

For Y11-12, things can be re considered.

It’s not fair to ask the child what do You want, of course that’s be difficult as it’s mum or dad to her. A gentle discussion about pros and cons with her mum and dad. Hopefully they can be grown ups.

JimHalpertsWife · 05/02/2025 12:00

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Then prepare for the dad to block the relocation. Shee cannot change the dds school without his consent.

All the OP and her dh are doing is offering an alternative with the dd in mind. Dds mother appears to have said no without actually thinking of her daughter in this.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 05/02/2025 12:04

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.

MN shows it time and again.

XWKD · 05/02/2025 12:07

You are very kind, OP. ❤️

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It IS a mum against dad scenario. As a mum of someone said well how about your child goes to a better school but doesn’t live with you … can you not understand how devastating, how horrible a suggestion that is?!?! Would you have moved away from your mum as a child just because there was a better school somewhere else?!

Silvers11 · 05/02/2025 12:08

@Orangelight23 Is it possible that your DSD's Mother is concerned about how her CM will be affected if your OH has her daughter for 5 days instead of 3?

aspidernamedfluffy · 05/02/2025 12:09

It's not just the issue of changing schools midway through the school year but moving away from her friends and any clubs she may belong to when there is the option of her being able to stay in the area. Why would you want to make your child's life more stressful than it neds to be?

SanFranBear · 05/02/2025 12:10

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

I just don't understand this viewpoint... staying in her current school is surely the least disruptive choice for DSD who should be front and centre in this decision. Its a really important time for her and whilst seeing less of her Mum isn't ideal, it's only two days less a week which I think you'd have to suck up.

I'm divorced so my DC have 'two homes' and I understand how hard it is being separated from your children. If it was a choice between complete school disruption for my DC vs slight disruption for me, I know what I'd choose regardless of my personal feelings.

Good luck OP

AshCrapp · 05/02/2025 12:10

Mum should learn to drive, that's surely the best solution. An intense course before she starts the new job.

SwingTheMonkey · 05/02/2025 12:11

Unbelievably selfish of the mother. Moving schools at the start of your GCSE’s is far from ideal, particularly if the school she’s moving to isn’t very good. She’d have to settle and try and make friends in a new school at a time she should be concentrating on her studies. Mum should be thinking of her daughter here, not herself.

BabyFever246 · 05/02/2025 12:11

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:39

Haven't done so yet as don't want it to be a Mum against Dad scenario. We want to discuss options with her Mum first.

Show quote history

But it is, and a decision from her is better before it gets acrimonious.

What is the point of you objecting to the new school etc if DSD tells you she'd rather go with mum? Then you'd be better placed negotiating which school is best and how to maintain contact best you can while you're on good terms.

If she says she doesn't want to change school and stay with you then mum needs to know this before she commits further down that route and decide if she still wants to move knowing she won't be coming or if she wants to make choices such as learning to drive and living half way etc.

OpenFox · 05/02/2025 12:13

@Orangelight23

What are your DSDs friendship groups like? Does she go to any clubs?

If she is going to move schools, then NOW is the time to do it. Moving a child during Y10 or Y11 is really disruptive for their GCSEs and should be avoided.

I can see this from both sides. The mum is essentially having to chose between her career and her daughter, but is also being rather narrow minded here and she should really consider the commuting option. Her not driving makes things rather challenging.

Could DSD live with her, then take a train Monday morning to go to school, then get the train back Friday night? She would then be with you 4 nights a week.

ClairDeLaLune · 05/02/2025 12:13

Your suggestion is eminently sensible, and in the best interests of DSD. You sound like a great step-mum. Her mum is being really selfish and not thinking of the effect on her daughter, just of her own needs. Hopefully when she thinks about it more she will see reason. If not I guess you'll need to talk to DSD about what she’d prefer.

Weddingbells6 · 05/02/2025 12:13

I think it’s a case of neither person being wrong really but it’s likely to have financial implications so I can see why her Mum would be hesitant. She wouldn’t get child benefit or any tax credits or maintenance and may end up paying you maintenance. It does feel like a Mum should have their child resident and it’s sometimes looked down upon by others if they don’t (I’ve done 50/50 before) She maybe struggling with the thought that she won’t be resident parent anymore. 30 miles does seem quite a long way so she should have expected that her ex and you wouldn’t be necessarily happy about it. I think she needs to scrap the idea of moving and quickly learn to drive. Give it 2 years and she’ll be begging you to take the child full time 😂 I hated 50/50 but would love it now haha.

Onlyvisiting · 05/02/2025 12:14

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It's the same for the dad, mum wants to take the daughter 5 days a week and move her to a worse school with huge disruption. Can't you see how devastating a suggestion that is for her dad?

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