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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

181 replies

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 05/02/2025 12:16

I can see both points if view.
But personally I wouldn't want to just see my children at the weekend.
And if my child was happy to switch schools then that would be the sensible choice.
Kids change schools and move all the time .
Do you have other children?

PickyTits · 05/02/2025 12:17

But personally I wouldn't want to just see my children at the weekend.

Surely the same goes for the dad though? but he isn't being given a choice it seems.

Onlyvisiting · 05/02/2025 12:17

OpenFox · 05/02/2025 12:13

@Orangelight23

What are your DSDs friendship groups like? Does she go to any clubs?

If she is going to move schools, then NOW is the time to do it. Moving a child during Y10 or Y11 is really disruptive for their GCSEs and should be avoided.

I can see this from both sides. The mum is essentially having to chose between her career and her daughter, but is also being rather narrow minded here and she should really consider the commuting option. Her not driving makes things rather challenging.

Could DSD live with her, then take a train Monday morning to go to school, then get the train back Friday night? She would then be with you 4 nights a week.

Isn't that what the op has suggested? Dad has offered to collect her Sunday evening and drop her back Fridays after school. So mum will still have her weekends and school holidays. The only compromise in your suggestion is that the dc travels Monday am instead of Sunday eve. Great if travel is viable as she'd have an uninterrupted weekend with mum.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 05/02/2025 12:18

Starlight7080 · 05/02/2025 12:16

I can see both points if view.
But personally I wouldn't want to just see my children at the weekend.
And if my child was happy to switch schools then that would be the sensible choice.
Kids change schools and move all the time .
Do you have other children?

But the mother could commute. She just doesn’t want to. She’s putting herself before her daughter.

Nina1013 · 05/02/2025 12:18

Could Dad collect on a Monday so it’s a 4/3 split rather than 5/2?

Also have you broached whether she’s resistant because she will struggle to live without maintenance/child element of benefits/whatever?

As on the face of it, it makes sense as long as the child is happy with it - her views would very much be taken into account at her age.

MaltipooMama · 05/02/2025 12:20

I think it's really great that there are options here for your DSD, and I guess at (presumably) 14 years old she should definitely have some input. Ultimately it should come down to what she's most comfortable with as either option is going to be a significant change for her. To be completely honest if I was her mother I wouldn't want to fathom the idea of her living away 5 days a week, but equally I drive and would happily do the commute so I can't really comment on her circumstances as they're obviously not like that.

I think you and the parents should encourage her to do a pros and cons list of both options and just really ensure that she's thought about absolutely everything to help her make the best decision. As she spends half her time with you anyway she is hopefully really comfortable in both households, and it's important that she isn't swayed by guilt or a sense of obligation to either parent. 14 years old is way too young to carry that burden! Hope it all works out for her either way

BlessedDayToAll · 05/02/2025 12:20

ClairDeLaLune · 05/02/2025 12:13

Your suggestion is eminently sensible, and in the best interests of DSD. You sound like a great step-mum. Her mum is being really selfish and not thinking of the effect on her daughter, just of her own needs. Hopefully when she thinks about it more she will see reason. If not I guess you'll need to talk to DSD about what she’d prefer.

This exactly.

DSD will be choosing her GCSEs shortly. She may not be able to do what she’s chosen if she moves to another school. In addition, it may be harder to create a new friendship group when they’ve already been established.

Utterly irresponsible to move schools after Yr9 has started UNLESS it is completely unavoidable in terms of finances, housing, health etc. This is totally avoidable and DSD has a parent to live with that she already lives with 3 days a week anyway!

She’ll only be 30 miles away.

Sadly she probably won’t want to upset her Mum so will likely agree to move. Just make sure she knows you wanted her to stay with you OP.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:22

Wow, nice to hear a sm being so lovely and pro sc on here.
It's pretty obvious what would be best for sc!!!
I think a move at teenage years would be pretty tough and should be avoided if necessary.
Dm doesn't own dc.
Good luck

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/02/2025 12:23

I get why the Mum wants to live with daughter during the week but she should not be moving the daughter so far away from her father. Completely unreasonable. She needs to learn to drive and commute in the meantime. Can't be any more expensive than a house move.

ShaunaSadeki · 05/02/2025 12:25

Surely it would be cheaper for mum to learn to drive than to move house? I agree that the decision should be DDs really.

ShaunaSadeki · 05/02/2025 12:25

Oh snap @Ablondiebutagoody!

Whoarethoseguys · 05/02/2025 12:27

I think it should be up to the girl. But without any pressure at all put on her

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:28

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Yeah cos mum's needs/wants are priority 🙄

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 12:29

The selfishness of some people astounds me.

Your SD is going to really suffer if your husband doesn’t put his foot down. Clearly her mother’s expecting SD’s maintenance and benefits to subsidise her new career change with no thought to how horrible it’ll be to change cities at 14. What a cow.

BruceAndNosh · 05/02/2025 12:34

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Did I miss the post where the OP called the child's mother a bitch?

JudgeJ · 05/02/2025 12:34

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Why does the mother, who is choosing to move away and have to send her to an inferior school, have more rights than the father who is as much a parent and with whom the child could stay in her current school for the next two vital years. It sounds like the mother has now decided that she doesn't need the extra support from the OP and her husband which has allowed her to advance her career and all that matters is what she wants, not the child.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:35

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

What about what's best for her dd?
Does that count?
She already lives with dd and dsm 3 days a week what's another 2 days when so much disruption could be caused. Teenagers have enough going on.

Original poster
Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 12:37

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

I think you've created your own narrative there. I don't think she's a bitch at all. I'm asking for alternatives perspectives that is all.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 05/02/2025 12:38

I agree with others that the maintenance due might be a factor

Circumferences · 05/02/2025 12:38

Can't the mum start this swanky new job after her child has finished her GCSEs? Why the hurry?

crashbandicooty · 05/02/2025 12:40

Imagine if someone posted on here saying that their ex husband had told them that they had got a new job 30 miles away and so they were making a unilateral decision to move the shared child away to a new place and new school. If my ex husband said this to me I would laugh at him. The mum is being ridiculous. Get a different job, learn to drive, do one of many more sensible options than the one 'decided'.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 12:40

Circumferences · 05/02/2025 12:38

Can't the mum start this swanky new job after her child has finished her GCSEs? Why the hurry?

Needs SD as an additional income stream whilst she starts out?

JudgeJ · 05/02/2025 12:40

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

A father is not allowed to have the same feeling? The situation outlined by the OP would have the mother with her daughter at the weekends and the school holidays, lots of fun time whereas the OP and her husband would see her little other than at breakfast and dinner, 5 days a week! He should not have to make the switch on both days just because the mother chooses to be unable to do so.

Sherararara · 05/02/2025 12:40

Your suggestion is perfectly reasonable and of course she is within her rights to say no however it would appear she only thinking about what she wants. A reasonable approach all round would be to ask the child
what she wants to do, and support her with whatever she decides. She’s old enough to make her own decision. A logical starting point would be to trial it until say the end of the school year and discuss how you all feel at that point.

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