To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

[Orangelight23]

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

If the train route is decent, is it something that a teenager could do one evening/morning independently? So travel to city after school, then back to school the next day?

Just to address those saying DSD needs to be involved in the decision. Yes I completely agree. Our thinking was speak to Mum and discuss all the options and then DH and her Mum could speak to DSD together and see how she felt.

We haven't approached DSD just yet as at this stage if Mum is so against it then it just puts her in a hard position.

We do obviously have to think about what is next though and if there are any other options to be considered.

Its only another 2 days a week so I think its a sensible suggestion. The alternative I assume, is her mother saying she will live with her during the week and then every weekend at yours? Or will you just not see DSD much again? Unless your DH is going to be driving her 30 miles each day, 3 days a week, to the new school and back?
with that in mind, DSD staying in the same school and living with you is more than reasonable.

Op is there any reason why the mother can’t learn to drive? It would be an easy fix for this issue.

I honestly don't know the answer to that. It's just never been something she has done.

Maybe DH could discuss this option with her. As whatever happens wherever she lives whether that be with us or with Mum 30 miles away DH and I are going to need to do all the driving to get her where she needs to be.

I think you need to be prepared to get an emergency court order to insist that BM either stays close by OR DSD moves with you. I do not think family court would say it is in DSD's best interests to be uprooted, contact time with Dad reduced and school changed.

Not unreasonable and a mum suggesting this if the dad moved away would have pretty much total support on here

You really need to act fast here OP and stop being so passive. Speak to a solicitor today and get a court order prohibiting the move.

The mum will be influencing SD every day. Delaying increases the risk that they move, SD is really miserable in a new town isolated from her friends and your house, your husband is driving back and forth repeatedly every week and it all badly affects SD’s GCSE years and whole future.

And if she moves, she needs to do the transporting. Which she can’t, so she can’t move.

Changing my child's school would be an absolute last resort for me, especially secondary school. It's difficult for you as it is the mum here who needs to prioritise her daughter. She needs to give her daughter the option of living with you and her dad. The option needs to be given without her having any feelings of guilt that influence her decision.

It's not just the school is it, presumably mum is intending dad to lose his contact time during the school week? Or is she expecting the same days? It's not reasonable for her to avoid an inconvenient commute for herself and just pass all that responsibility along to the dad. She should be doing 50% of the transport.

Unless there’s a medical reason preventing it, the mum needs to learn to drive. That way she does the job she’s worked for, and the daughter stays with her, and doesn’t move schools in GCSE years. You two don’t need to do all the driving. Surely it’s the only satisfactory answer for all concerned?

The mum might hate the idea, but soon enough she’ll wonder how she ever lived without the convenience.

Different opinion here, it’s not the end of the world for a child to move schools in year 9. Many many do it and are fine.

You are only going to get one answer if you ask a year 9 if they want to leave school and their friends.

If there are no issues with her being at mums I wouldn’t suggest changing her main home.

Though it looks like you will have to do more driving 🤨

I think the mother is totally selfish to make her dd change schools at year 9. It’s such a crucial point in secondary. And such an upheaval. Poor kid. Thank goodness she’s got a supportive step mum like you.

YABU - The mother has gone to university to improve her opportunities. That is great example for her daughter. Families move all of the time because one parent or the other can't get employment or get a too good to miss opportunity elsewhere.

I can't believe how many people are judging the mother to be selfish. Tall poppies.

That makes your dsd’s mum look rather selfish. And on that basis, I think I’d refuse to allow it. The only person benefitting here is the mum to the detriment of you, your dh and your dsd.

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for the child? Her life and her education and her wellbeing are paramount.

Or learning to drive. She'd be mad to move her for 30m.

While I agree that it would be better for DSD to stay put for now, given the information on the thread, I expect her mother is worried that she will never live with her DD again apart from at weekends and in the school holidays...

A fate that happens to many fathers without them getting much sympathy.

she moves away to further her career (well done for doing that), she loses time with her daughter.

I think if her Mum point blank refuses to consider her being with us more we will just have to go along with as I just can't see a situation where we go to court.

I agree with your point about setting a good example by going to university but it stings a bit that just because she's her Mum and not Dad then in reality she gets to make big decisions that effect lots of people and thats that.

It sounds like she is worried about that but maybe the father is worried about that too?

Regardless of their feelings, it has to be what’s best for the DD.
It seems a much more simple solution if the mum is able to learn to drive via an intensive crash course. 30 miles isn’t really that far and it must be a huge expense to move for a job.

Yep agreed. Updated comment just before. This is really the only sensible answer (assuming she is medically ok to drive).

Families do move all the time. The issue is that it’s a key time in the daughter’s education and she is at a delicate age.
The other issue is that families who move as a unit are very different to families who have parents living apart.
Of course the mum bettering herself, working hard and improving life for her and her daughter is to be admired and congratulated. There are other options though. The job is only 30 miles away. There may well be an option where the status quo remains but mum commutes to her new job.

I wouldn't entertain it either if I was her. Year 9 isn't a crazy time to move. I get that she has no more absolute right to decide for her daughter than her dad does, but if I was her I'd be making you take me to court. I don't think the mum moving for a job is a great excuse for the dad trying to grab more time if he hasn't before.

@Sushu it's not that key though. Year 10 it would be.