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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

181 replies

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tortielady · 05/02/2025 12:42

DSD's Mum is understandably concerned that her relationship with her DD will be affected if DD is living in another city during the whole of the school week. Theoretically, she'd be with her Mum at the weekend. In practice, it's easy how that could become a moveable feast. DD's friends are all near where DF and DSM are and so are all/most of her study things and her favourite personal items. If she's going to work over the weekend while she's at her Mum's, she'll have to be super-organised by the standards of many teenagers. The every weekend arrangement could be very susceptible to slippage to every other weekend or even less.

That said, the feelings of the adults involved in this situation shouldn't trump those of a child, not least because she's at an age where she's old enough for a court to consider her opinions about her residence arrangements. Her schooling is very important and a judge would be concerned to avoid keeping the disruption to an absolute minimum.

pennydroppedtoday · 05/02/2025 12:42

Mum needs to dk a two week driving crash course and learn to drive.

She can stay where she is

Dsd isn't disrupted and that's the main focus

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/02/2025 12:46

I think what you are suggesting an option, a good one.

Ultimately though she's yr 9 and if it went to court they would take what she wanted in to consideration. I guess mum will need to look for a house and take DSD around schools which may have her excited or may make her want to stay where she is.

Lots of families move house and schools, it's just that there isn't normally another option for the child. I would have conversations with her Mum and your DSD about it.

Mum has done really well to go back to Uni and get herself in a better financial position so may actually need the time to settle in to her work place.

Whoarethoseguys · 05/02/2025 12:46

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It IS a mum against dad scenario. As a mum of someone said well how about your child goes to a better school but doesn’t live with you … can you not understand how devastating, how horrible a suggestion that is?!?! Would you have moved away from your mum as a child just because there was a better school somewhere else?!

That's not the same though. The child wouldn't be moving away from her mother to be in a better school. She is already in that school and presumably happy.
Moving to a new school at her age will be very difficult. It might not even offer the same subjects as DDs current school and it could lead to her doing less well than she would in her GCSEs.
I think both options would be difficult for her if she stays at her dad's in the week and her mum's at the weekend it will be difficult for her to socialise with her friends
If I was the mother I wouldn't take the new job 30 miles away and would hold on until the daughter had at least finished year 11

Flakeisanakedtwirl · 05/02/2025 12:47

BabyFever246 · 05/02/2025 11:38

DSD is year 9 ... so surely you should just ask her.

We're all going to be echoing this.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all OP, it's nice that both you and her dad are exploring all possible options.

Bluevelvetsofa · 05/02/2025 12:48

A new school may well compromise her GSCE choices, particularly if the schools are more problematic.

Ultimately, it should be her decision.

NImumconfused · 05/02/2025 12:48

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It IS a mum against dad scenario. As a mum of someone said well how about your child goes to a better school but doesn’t live with you … can you not understand how devastating, how horrible a suggestion that is?!?! Would you have moved away from your mum as a child just because there was a better school somewhere else?!

But it's fine for her to be taken away from her dad who currently has almost 50:50 care? Why are mum's feelings more important than his (and than the actual best interests of the child, which are unlikely to be best served by changing schools and moving away from her dad and her friends at that age)? Mum needs to think of someone other than herself in this scenario.

MrsSlocombesCat · 05/02/2025 12:51

Moving school at any age is daunting but at 14 it will be utterly horrendous. All friendship groups will have already been established and she will feel so uncomfortable. This is so selfish of the mother. You all need to sit down together and talk it through. The mother needs to be reassured you're not trying to take her daughter away.

GRex · 05/02/2025 12:51

If your suggestion involves Monday am pick-up and Friday drop-off then it sounds reasonable, year 9 is generally a bad time to move as some schools start GCSE early so worth caution. I can imagine it sounds shocking when the mum had assumed she keeps her DD though.

To bring in a third option. If you draw up a map with school and mum's new work, is there any location where commuting would be doable by DSD 1 or 2 nights per week and by mum each day? Lots of places within 20 miles of here are under 30 min by train and under 1 hour by bus, while some take longer as options are not direct. Equally, if those areas have good schools then it might be an option to consider DD commuting from there to your house some days instead. Suggesting that mum look at other location options and other school options might take some heat out of it sounding like she is choosing between DD and work; once it's more clearly a discussion about what's best for their DD the conversation may be easier.

maybemrt · 05/02/2025 12:54

You sound lovely and it's a thoughtful suggestion.

I think it's probably best for her to stay with her mother - it's such an important bond and she will need her. Her mother being more qualified and working in a better job is also better for her, not a selfish decision by the mother.

Moving is hard but a fact of life. If your DSD works hard and keeps her head, she can do well in her new school.

Don't make her choose! It would be painful for her. If she wants to express a preference to go to you, give her space to say so without prompting.

She will be happier and feel more secure if she feels you're all on the same side.

It's hard but she will be okay. Just support her as much as you can.

Yellowtulipsdancing · 05/02/2025 12:54

Does the child want to leave her friend? Her school? Her activities?
how will you have access 3 nights a week with that distance and the Mum not able to share the transport?

if the Mum cannot manage having her child with her due to her course, what is changing meaning she can do Monday-Friday school days?

MissUltraViolet · 05/02/2025 12:55

I’d do everything I could to NOT make my DD have to change schools, especially in year 9/10 which could cause a lot of disruption to her GCSE’s. Also has the potential to turn into a disaster if she struggles to make any new friends etc.

I’m surprised DSD doesn’t have more of an opinion on this. Mine would absolutely hate
the idea of a new school and would happily tell me so!

I think mum needs to really think about this for her daughters sake.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2025 12:56

Some schools start GCSEs in year 9. I agree with you op. Is there any reason why the mum doesn’t drive? Doing a crash course, sucking it up and commuting by train in the interim sounds like the best option.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 05/02/2025 12:57

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Don't be ridiculous, OP is not making her out to be a bitch. The mother doesn't have to 'tear her family apart', she could commute.

ttcat37 · 05/02/2025 12:57

You can’t blame the mum for reacting that way. I couldn’t fathom being away from my child. I would also be very concerned that my child would think I’ve dumped them on their dad just for a new job. In reality the mum has grafted her way through uni to presumably be able to provide for her family- it’s a big decision to move but it’s clearly necessary in her case.
I’d also say that, although the daughter’s opinion should be taken into consideration, it’s a massive decision, and one that would be very stressful for a child of that age to take. She is old enough to be aware of and worry about the consequences and how it may affect her relationships.
I think my default for a girl of this age, who presumably has a normal relationship with her mum, should stay with her mum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2025 12:57

To add, my dd changed schools at the start of year 9 btw. But it was her choice as she wasn’t getting on at her old school. This is not the case for your dsd.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 12:59

What sucks about all this is that if SD is a people-pleaser and has already been primed by her mum to think this is what she wants, it’s what’s going to happen. Even though it’s clearly only what’s best for her mum.

OP your husband needs to refuse to change the school or contact schedule and get a prohibited steps order. They’ll need to go to mediation beforehand and as part of that he needs to ask for independent assessment of SD’s desires. You need to stand up for her here.

dovetail22uk · 05/02/2025 12:59

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

I think you are being completely reasonable but it's very much up to the child really. I think that mum might eventually get on board but it's a hard situation for her. My daughter decided at 13 that she wanted to live with her dad (long story and no animosity) and I was devastated at first. But we've made it work and she's happy and I am happy that she's happy. It might just take some time. The thought of your child not wanting to live with you and someone one else providing for her and seeing her each day when you don't get to is so jarring to start with. It's important for everyone to keep in mind that it's really not about the adults, it's about the child and what is best for them.

albalass · 05/02/2025 13:02

The main issue I can see with staying in her current school and with dad Mon-Fri is that she's reaching an age where she'll likely have local social activities at the weekend and friends she wants to see - meaning she won't want to spend her whole weekend with her mum. Say she was invited to a friend's birthday party on a Saturday - how would her mum take her there or collect her? I think you really need to involve your DSD in discussions.

The positive is that it's better this is happening now than during GCSEs. Whichever school she attends, it's important she has stability in those years. Presuming mum's new job is permanent? (or as permanent as any job can be). If a fixed term contract I think DSD would be better staying where she is.

ShortSighted101 · 05/02/2025 13:03

Or alternatively the mum could do an intensive driving course and just commute?

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 13:09

Sorry everyone I read the thread totally wrong, still very difficult but can see both sides and can’t see how people can see a mum as being selfish for wanting her daughter to live with her but do think the mum shouldn’t move and should find a way to afford to commute

babiesinthesnowflakes · 05/02/2025 13:11

Circumferences · 05/02/2025 12:38

Can't the mum start this swanky new job after her child has finished her GCSEs? Why the hurry?

This is what I was thinking. I think the mum is being really selfish and if it were me, I’d take a different job in the local area (even if it wasn’t in my preferred field) rather than having to uproot my DD just before her GCSEs.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 13:14

babiesinthesnowflakes · 05/02/2025 13:11

This is what I was thinking. I think the mum is being really selfish and if it were me, I’d take a different job in the local area (even if it wasn’t in my preferred field) rather than having to uproot my DD just before her GCSEs.

Show quote history

Because a child in year 11 is more likely to say no to moving away from everything she knows than a child in year 9, and the mum wants the child-related benefits and maintenance to pay for her home whilst she’s starting out in her new career.

The mum is being really selfish.

nightmarepickle2025 · 05/02/2025 13:14

Seems like Mum has a choice to suck up the commute or go with your suggestion, both are better than moving schools. If her mum could drop her at school / put her on a train on a Monday morning then that’s 3 nights a week they would have together

DoggerelBank · 05/02/2025 13:15

IMO Year 9/10 is the worst age to move school, from a social point of view. Absolutely brutal for almost everyone I know who's experienced it. If I was Mum, I'd hate having DD weekends only, but if I trusted DD's dad and stepmum I'd agree because I'd put daughter's wellbeing first.