To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

[Orangelight23]

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

Mum is being extremely selfish. Either wait until a job comes up nearby or take the OP up on her offer. No thought at all about what is best for her DD.

Obviously it’s up to you but why on earth wouldn’t you go to court to stop this?

It only benefits the mum. The SD will be disadvantaged at a worse school, with less time with her dad and you (her equal/main carers), further from her friends and any clubs (with no way for her mum to get her to them), it’s worse for your husband due to less time with her as well as the fuel/car/time in transporting her, it’ll be worse for any little siblings she has at your house as they’ll miss her, worse for you as your household will have to pay more maintenance as well as your husband being out driving more.

My friend’s ex got a prohibited steps order. She wanted to move their shared child 35 miles away. Court ruled in ex’s favour and he actually ended up with custody. This is despite 2 half siblings remaining with mum.

The court felt that uprooting the child (then 8 years old), changing schools, removing from dad’s local area wasn’t acting in child’s best interest, and outweighed keeping siblings together.

Many schools start GCSEs in year 9. Often they’ve taught some of the English texts before this and revisit them. Can’t see moving child at this stage would be seen as in her best interest.

Something to consider OP.

I don't know, the thought of it just makes me feel horrible. We've never had to resort to anything like that before and I worry how that in itself would impact DSD.

I don't know how DH feels about that though so once he has spoken again to DSD Mum then I suppose it's something we could discuss.

That is useful information thank you. I think it would be an absolute last resort for us but is good to know options.

Absolute bollocks!

There’s NO way I would want this for my 13/14 year old. I can see why she’s upset, when you factor in seeing friends and activity and things the child will want to do on weekends she’ll spend a lot less time with her mum at a crucial stage of her life.

So dsd will start her gcse years in September as some gcse are modules and do them over 2 years?

I wouldn't be moving her until her gcses are over purely from an academic viewpoint.

She is being selfish, by not even discussing all the options available with her daughter. One of which is staying with her DF, to continue her education and life without upheaval.

How can you think that’s not selfish?

DM just decides for everyone? Why?

Because her mum decided to move and not factor in her DDs needs and wants.

Under no circumstances would my kid live away from me.
sensible
solution as it is no no no.

So the mother can fart out a swanky degree when convenient but not a driving licence.

Yeah no, fuck that. Daughter utterly uprooted just because her mum never bothered to learn to drive. One of the most selfish things I’ve seen on Mumsnet, wow.

Seems unfair that you and your husband get every weekend to yourselves and mum never gets any.

Ask your step daughter what she wants to do, anyway.

It sounds like you’ve always just done what your husband’s ex wants (picking up extra days because she’s studying - bet you’re paying maintenance whilst also being the main residence?) but this is incredibly selfish of her. As others have said she could learn to drive or commute herself without the disruption to SD.

It will probably shatter your relationship with her because she’s used to doing what she wants and having you support it to your own detriment. You know SD better than us so can better foresee the impact on her. Is she highly academic with great social skills and will succeed anywhere? If not, think seriously about how much this is going to damage her, now and for her future.

Well to add a bit of balance, it Could be that the mum isn’t allowed to drive due to a medical condition (eg. epilepsy, and many others).

If that Isn’t the case, I agree with you.

Well we don't because we also have a 2 year old 😂.

Also the current set up means we have DSD Fridays, Saturdays, Wednesdays and also some Mondays. So it has never been a consideration that we should get weekends to ourselves really.

The proposed days from us are just a suggestion, if we can come up with another way then we'd be absolutely open to that.

@Wemaybebetterstrangers if it’s a known issue then this really should have been thought of before choosing to do a degree with insufficient demand in her own area in the middle of her daughters secondary education. It’s a glaring risk.

Why is it fine for the mum to dictate that dad loses contact though? Or is he expected to do a 60 mile round trip school run to save her commuting? Yes it's great that she's bettering herself but it can't be at everyone else's expense - expecting DD to move schools and away from family and friends, expecting her ex and stepmum to do all the driving, to reduce their contact time (and presumably to therefore pay more maintenance) - none of this is reasonable to expect just because she's the mum.

It sounds like you currently have what many divorced parents would kill for, two relatively equal homes for DSD where she's happy and loved. If I was your DH I would absolutely be going to court before I allowed her mum to pull the rug out from under that to nobody's benefit but hers.

Some schools start in year 9. One round here does for all subjects. Dd’s school starts sciences in year 9. The rest in year 10. The school was very clear, science topics learned in year 9 are recapped but not retaught to the level of detail. All schools therefore start at the beginning of year 10 if not before.

The Mother must have known the distance from home prior to applying for the job?! She also must have been aware of the salary, the cost of train fares and the commute time?! I understand she wants to work in the field she's trained in, but didn't her daughter's schooling not enter the equation prior to applying for the job? The decision should be based upon what's best for her daughter. If she can't afford the train fare and the commute time is too long, then why is she considering the job? She simply expects her daughter to fit in with her plans and what she wants. The proposal the OP and her husband have suggested is not unreasonable, it would be the least disruptive to his daughter. I do understand why the Mother isn't keen, but equally she can't have it all ways. Surely the most important person is the daughter, what's best for her, what gives her the least disruption and more importantly what does the daughter WANT!!

It does seem sensible. The mum isn't offering any other solutions eg learning to drive, getting public transport, or moving half way so her daughter doesn't have to move school

It may be the case that once she has a job, its easier to find another one close by and all the upheaval is for nothing. Why doesn't she try it for a year and then re assess.

If your SD is happy and settled at a good school I'd really not want ro disrupt that and risk it going wrong for the sake of 2 more edays at her dad's

Your suggestion sounds reasonable in theory but surely a teenager would want to be near her friends so she could socialise with them at weekends and school holidays. This might well mean she would end up spending less and less time with her mum, so I can understand why mum doesn’t like the idea.

Unless the school she would be moving to is really awful, or they have already started a GCSE syllabus and she hasn't, I don’t think moving school would be so terrible. Pupils do it all the time (and make new friends). Her mum seems to be doing the best she can with her life and it seems unfair for her to be penalised for it.

It sounds like the most logical option to me.

I think an early posters suggestion of using an independent person/therapist/mediator to put forward the decision to DSD is a sensible one, away from the pressure of Mum and Dad.

Mum needs to learn to drive or accept using public transport to the new city - it will assist her commute and and ability to drop off/collect your DSD, which should not be always the responsibility of one parent anyway, that's unfair.

Some schools start GSCE syllabus in Year 9 - I would check whether that is the case in DSD current school or the potential new school. GCSE course options will also be different so I'd check what options your DSD might be hoping to take and see which setting would be best suited for that.

Is there another family member somewhere half way between mum in the potential new city and Dad where you are now that could accommodate DSD during the week? Far from ideal but another posible suggestion?

Hmm. We don’t know when she started the degree. They could still have been together, it takes a long time to do a degree.

I’m just thinking about reasons why the mum might be doing what she is doing. It’s hard to believe someone (a mum especially) would be so selfish if it there were other nicer options for her daughter.