To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

[Orangelight23]

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

Seems a wholly sensible idea.

What do you think I'm lying about?

Yes we have one other child, a 2 year old. DSD has her own lovely room and has done since we moved in together 6 years ago.

Of course I’d hate to not have my child with me if I moved but has mum thought about the demands of a new career? If she’s entering at graduate level, she’ll be expected to put the hours in, not click watch for 5.30 and go ‘above and beyond’ to prove herself - especially if her counterparts are all
young with no responsibilities. My concern would be how often DD is going to be left home alone (not from a trust point of view) but from a loneliness one. New city, new home, new school - perhaps a bit of difficulty finding new friend groups and then to find you’re at home in the evening by yourself because mum has to work late or attend a networking event or go for drinks if that’s expected within the new workplace. I’m not sure what your situation is and whether there are people at home in the evening but my preference would be for my child to come home to a parent and a familiar home.

Right, so if she moves with her Mum then had she'll end up spending less and less time with her Dad as she'll want to be near her (new) friends to socialise with them at weekends and school holidays....

Mum seems to be doing the best she can with her life, except for learning to drive which would immediately solve this problem...

Have you gone through my old posts to try and catch me out over something? Very strange behaviour.

Yes she likes her new home and we actually moved nearer her school as it's in a great area.

In our previous home she also had her own room. If the thread is going to turn into people researching me to try and make me look bad then I'll just disengage. I was just looking for advice and perspective which I have got off lots of people and I thank them for.

Maybe instead of saying move in with you, say stay a couple of extra days a week during term time.

I know it's the same thing but maybe she's having an emotional reaction to the thought of their daughter not 'living' with her iyswim.

Mum could have other things in her mind. I’m saying this because I know a family where dad met someone new, has a toddler with new wife, and for whatever reason the new wife, and less so him, have been trying to get his 12 year old DD to spend more time with ‘their’ family and have been coming up with all sorts of reasons - bigger house, more space, more money, toddler wants to spend time with big sister, endless events they’re happy to pay for etc.
The kid is currently 50/50 with her mum and dad and fine with that. If anything she likes to spend more time with the mum - despite the fact that they have a small flat, mum has a lot less money so can’t do expensive trips etc like the other family can.
I just don’t think it’s always as simple as this is BETTER - because there are often many factors involved.
But perhaps I’m just biased because there’s no way I would want my child living with someone else …

Not saying that the case here, but again, we get one side of the story. The other family could be constantly overreaching when it comes to the woman’s DD - I know that would put MY back up

Gosh, what incredibly odd behaviour. What were they hoping to catch you out with?!

It's a reasonable suggestion, and DSD should have the choice and not be made to feel bad by the adults for whatever she decides. Fourteen year olds can live apart from their mums during the week. It would be very different if she was six.

The other family could be constantly overreaching when it comes to the woman’s DD

She's not just 'the woman's dd' is she. She's also her father's dd. The other family is her father and his family. Hardly overreaching to want a say in where your daughter lives and goes to school.

On MN fathers are always supposed to take on an equal share of parenting - until suddenly they're not equal parents at all and their opinions don't count.

You mean her father?

Why can’t she move 15 miles closer to work in a place that dd can commute to school

Should your dsd have the option to live with you in the week? Absolutely. Should she be forced to? No.

As I said this is ONE side of the story, and it’s not the dad telling it either. So really, who knows

Or the step mum.

So your DH is supposed to just accept

1. seeing much less of his DD than he currently does
2. spend lots of time and money in the car every week
3. accept his DDs education will suffer
4. accept his DDs social opportunities will tank
5. pay more maintenance
6. the negative cumulative impact of all this on the rest of his family

Tell you what, if that were me, I’d be hitting the roof myself.

OP you sound lovely. Mum is a selfish cow!

YANBU, but neither is her Mum.
Mum is looking to move cities to improve quality of life, I'm guessing.
The split may be 4 days Mum/3 days Dad, but I can see that Mum may be reluctant to relinquish further.
Yes, it absolutely makes logical sense for DSD to stay with you during the week, but I can also imagine Mum's fear about losing more time with the daughter that she bore.
The likelihood of these proposed weekends with Mum being consistent are sketchy as best, as DSD will surely want to see her friends/be in her known locality for weekends.
All very well anyone saying it's the best for DSD to stay with you as it ABSOLUTELY makes sense, but I can totally see why Mum has hit the roof, as well.
Really difficult situation and not something you've been through as your child is so young.
I SO commend you on how thoughtful and kind you've come across.
Wishing you all the best.
X

That’s always the way on MN but some people are automatically against OP because she’s the step-mother. OP has said she’s open to accept she’s unreasonable. Many people on here are talking about how the mum feels when the child’s needs and emotions are what matter most.