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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

181 replies

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
orangegato · 05/02/2025 14:45

@Wemaybebetterstrangers indeed. I think we can establish from the mum’s reaction and insistence everyone bends over backwards for her that she IS that selfish.

m00rfarm · 05/02/2025 14:46

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

That would be what is best for you in your eyes, not what is best for your daughter.

healthybychristmas · 05/02/2025 14:52

Lovely that her mum has put a focus on getting an education for herself but is happy to completely mess up her daughter's education.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/02/2025 14:52

It does seem like her DM wants her cake and eat it, DSD stayed with her DF three or for days a week when it suited his Ex, but now five days is absolutely unreasonable even though your DSD will have to move school and lose out on seeing her friends. I'd look at mediation so the DSD can voice what she'd like and go with that Op.

TeamGeriatric · 05/02/2025 14:53

It's 30 miles, is there not somewhere in between the two places that Mum could look at moving to? Somewhere that would allow daughter to commute to her original school, and also gives Mum a more reasonable commute to the new job. My daughter takes the bus 10 miles to school each day, we are not in a city so it takes 25 minutes each way. Obviously the daughter only has to commute on the days she's staying at Mum's, so it wouldn't be every day.

Original poster
Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 14:57

TeamGeriatric · 05/02/2025 14:53

It's 30 miles, is there not somewhere in between the two places that Mum could look at moving to? Somewhere that would allow daughter to commute to her original school, and also gives Mum a more reasonable commute to the new job. My daughter takes the bus 10 miles to school each day, we are not in a city so it takes 25 minutes each way. Obviously the daughter only has to commute on the days she's staying at Mum's, so it wouldn't be every day.

This is probably the best compromise and is something DH is going to discuss with her to see if it is a possibility.

OP posts:
Justalittlehandhold · 05/02/2025 15:01

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/02/2025 14:22

Seems unfair that you and your husband get every weekend to yourselves and mum never gets any.

Ask your step daughter what she wants to do, anyway.

Only on MN could it be twisted into this!

Despite the fact that the DF, is doing all
the dropping of and collecting Friday and Sunday …

How some minds work.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 05/02/2025 15:06

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It IS a mum against dad scenario. As a mum of someone said well how about your child goes to a better school but doesn’t live with you … can you not understand how devastating, how horrible a suggestion that is?!?! Would you have moved away from your mum as a child just because there was a better school somewhere else?!

It's not just about it being a 'better' school, it is also her current school. A move at such a formative age and time in her schooling could be majorly disruptive.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 05/02/2025 15:17

Imagine a scenario where she actually likes her dad and he provides her with stability for the three days a week and she is actually settled and thriving in her current school and it really isn't a devastating suggestion at all.

I know some will struggle to grasp this concept.

saraclara · 05/02/2025 15:18

Gymmum82 · 05/02/2025 11:43

It’s 30 miles. Surely mum can just commute to work like most people do rather than uproot her daughter and upset her schooling? Honestly some parents are just unbelievably selfish.
I commute 25 miles twice daily to work 5 days a week. It’s not hard

It's not hard if that 30 miles is an easy motorway journey. Not so much if it's country roads or through busy towns or cities.

Comtesse · 05/02/2025 15:18

I would not want to roll over on this. She could learn to drive, not move so far away, find a different job. It’s not her way or the highway…..

Cookiesandcandies · 05/02/2025 15:42

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Except she doesn’t, she can do what many people up and down the country do and commute. I work at two locations, one 30 miles away and one 20 miles away. I learned to drive so I could drive to one, and catch the train to the other. I’m in the North of England living between two major cities, not in London commuter belt, and it is very doable. The mother is not choosing between career and daughter, she’s choosing between daughter and no commute and seemingly would prefer no commute.

Gymmum82 · 05/02/2025 15:50

saraclara · 05/02/2025 15:18

It's not hard if that 30 miles is an easy motorway journey. Not so much if it's country roads or through busy towns or cities.

Show quote history

But as it turns out it’s just because she can’t drive and can’t be arsed to get the train. Pure selfishness on her part

MzHz · 05/02/2025 15:53

there is no way on earth it would be feasible to uproot a child in year 9 for a new job the mother has got.

Is it still the first 2 years that you have o rights in employment or is that something that's changed? if so, it makes FAR better sense for the DSD to stay with OP during the week, and go to mum for weekends and any other times she can spend just until the GCSEs are ouf of the way - 2 years.

Then the mum will have confirmed employment, the child can look at options for A levels etc, but to uproot the child now is not right at all.

The essential thing here is to look at this from the perspective of stability in the child's life. Sure, the wants of the child are the main consideration here, but the mother has to understand that to make this best of both worlds scenario work, she may have to accept change for a short period of time for her child's best interests.

thescandalwascontained · 05/02/2025 15:53

Gymmum82 · 05/02/2025 11:43

It’s 30 miles. Surely mum can just commute to work like most people do rather than uproot her daughter and upset her schooling? Honestly some parents are just unbelievably selfish.
I commute 25 miles twice daily to work 5 days a week. It’s not hard

Agree. Mum can move when daughter finishes school if she still wants to.

albalass · 05/02/2025 15:53

I agree the mum not driving is a big part of the problem. However I don't think the 'she should just do an intensive course and drive' responses are realistic. If she's never had lessons, and never driven a car at all, then it will probably take many lessons over an extended period of time and potentially several tests before she passes (and she might not ever pass). If she passes, as a new driver it could take a while to be confident enough to tackle a 30 mile commute, especially if it involves motorway or complex junctions. So while I think she should learn, I unfortunately don't think it's a solution that can be relied upon in the time frame needed.

MzHz · 05/02/2025 15:54

healthybychristmas · 05/02/2025 14:52

Lovely that her mum has put a focus on getting an education for herself but is happy to completely mess up her daughter's education.

the irony of this struck me too

MeridianB · 05/02/2025 15:59

ClairDeLaLune · 05/02/2025 12:13

Your suggestion is eminently sensible, and in the best interests of DSD. You sound like a great step-mum. Her mum is being really selfish and not thinking of the effect on her daughter, just of her own needs. Hopefully when she thinks about it more she will see reason. If not I guess you'll need to talk to DSD about what she’d prefer.

This. The mother’s plans are flawed and she needs to rethink.

thescandalwascontained · 05/02/2025 16:04

If mum doesn't drive, then she shouldn't be moving away where it will cost her dad even more time and money trying to see her.

Mum needs to drive.

DSD needs to be given the option to stay at dad's house for school. She's in Year 9, so 14 this year, so should have a say.

BlessedDayToAll · 05/02/2025 16:16

When DH discusses this with Mum with DSD present (and it should be face to face rather than on the phone), DH should suggest a 3 month trial where DSD lives with you and stays at current school to see how it goes. She’ll have likely chosen her GCSE options if she hasn’t already by then anyway. He can also involve school by asking for a meeting with Mum present and get their opinion on a move at this stage.

I doubt a 14 year old would want be 30 miles from their mates, missing hanging out after school and on weekends/school hols which may prove problematic as she may not want to go to her mum’s then either if mates are planning stuff and Mum can’t drop her back/it’s a long journey on public transport as it is for Mum.

Has Mum checked there are even school places for her year group in the other area? I know when I was thinking about my DC, of the same age, moving to a different school at the beginning of Yr9, all other schools in my area were oversubscribed as 2009/2010 was apparently a high birth rate year and he’d have been put on a waiting list which wouldn’t have moved much as most people wouldn’t move DC in GCSE years.

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2025 16:16

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Even if it was the best and least disruptive option?

Londonmummy66 · 05/02/2025 16:31

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 14:57

This is probably the best compromise and is something DH is going to discuss with her to see if it is a possibility.

Show quote history

I agree that this sounds sensible - especially if there is a train or bus she can take to get to work and DSD can take to school. If you can afford it one way to help keep it amicable would be for DH to offer to contribute to an intensive driving course for the ex. If she's finishing uni then student loans may be coming to an end and I can see that she may be feeling financially a bit precarious.

Loveumagenta · 05/02/2025 16:36

I imagine that there’s more to this that ‘selfish mum’ and ‘ selfless step-mum’ …

SwingTheMonkey · 05/02/2025 16:43

The lengths people will go to to defend someone, just because they’re a woman.
If the situation was reversed and the dad had told the mum he was moving, changing their child’s school, reducing her contact time with the child and telling her she’d be doing all of the driving to and fro because he couldn’t be bothered to learn to drive, he’d be absolutely flamed by everyone.

Loveumagenta · 05/02/2025 16:46

MzHz · 05/02/2025 15:54

the irony of this struck me too

Show quote history

If it’s actually all true. I think we forget it’s only one side of the story we get on MN…