Is that his normal? High sex drive of partner

[purpleChestnut]

Name change for this. Gentle please. I’m quite old school.

I’ve only ever been intimate with two men in my life. My ex husband - we were married 18 years. And a relationship following it that 6 months long.

I met someone around Christmas & we’ve had lots of really nice dates. Lots of chemistry and attraction. I’m in my mid 40’s and he in his early 50’s. Really excited to see him each time.

Thie past weekend I stayed over at his place.
When I got there (90 minute drive), he showed me the house, all the rooms, already made coffee and when he showed me his bedroom, he shut the door and we started kissing. He then had his hands all over my breasts and the next thing I know he had his hands in my knickers, undid my jeans and started stimulating my clit and tried to make me come . My thought was, I’ve barely been at your house for 5 minutes!

In the afternoon we took the dogs for a walk, and then we watched some sport, made dinner (and his 17 and 19 year old children - they are lovely!), and watched a movie. And then went upstairs. We had sex and it was as great but he is quite rough and hard. (I’m sore and feel bruised inside me, 3 days later)

The next morning I woke up with his hands on my knickers and soon inside me. We had sex again and it was great due to the attraction from both sides, but again, rougher and harder than I’ve ever had in my life.

Late the afternoon we sat downstairs on the sofa, just chilling and having a nice time. The next thing I know he took my hand and put it on his jeans, on his penis, wanting me to rub his penis. And then he had his hands inside my knickers again! I asked him to stop as we were in the kitchen and his teenagers could come in any moment, and he then wanted me to go upstairs.

That was the weekend. We speak and FaceTime most nights due to the distance. Last night he asked if he could come to my house this week Thursday, leaving his own teenagers on their own. And he mentioned that I would have to be quiet- straight away assuming that we will have sex ( of my children are a bit younger).

My period is due today or tomorrow.

My question is, are there men who are sexually charged like this? Could this be healthy?
Ive only been with two other people so I don’t feel I know. I don’t know if I’m being naive but is he watching way too much porn or raunchy movies?
I really like him quite a bit but I feel the relationship is too physical? Am I wrong? There needs to be a balance between emotional closeness, social closeness and physical closeness.
Not just all physical. I feel that if I’m on my period, he may all of a sudden not be interested to see me? Am I wrong?
I want sex all the time, or his hands inside my knickers all the time. But it seems he does?
I just can’t believe some men can be sexually charged like this?

We had sex and it was as great but he is quite rough and hard. (I’m sore and feel bruised inside me, 3 days later)

What did you say? Did you say ' slow down, you're hurting me, be more gentle'?

That's a massive turn-off and it's not normal.

It sounds like the sex is all about his needs. Did you enjoy it? It's not normal to feel sore for days afterwards and that would turn me right off

And it's natural to want sex all the time at the start of a relationship, but it doesn't sound as if your bf is listening to what YOU want.

Is he? Can you talk about sex with him? You should be able to. If you are feeling put off or overwhelmed, tell him. And for goodness sake, tell him when he is being too rough. He's in his 50s! He should have more finesse and self-awareness. Or... do you think he likes hurting you? I'd be careful.

Not just all physical. I feel that if I’m on my period, he may all of a sudden not be interested to see me? Am I wrong?

Well, yes, some men are. Just as some men aren't interested at all.and everything in between.

The key here is how you communicate how you feel about it.

If its too much, ask him to slow down, be more gentle etc.explain what you like and want. If you just go along with it and don't say anything, he'll just assume you want the same thing.

As for whether he'll lose interest when you're on your period, no one here can tell you. You'll find out soon enough when it happens, though.

Fwiw, I dated a man like this for a while. I liked it to begin with, but as we spent longer together, I began to feel like a prop in his one man porn fuelled sex fantasy. He was very respectful (and actually quite lovely) when I was on my period though. It means nothing.

But if you don't communicate...

I noticed the bruising and soreness the next morning.

You deserve be be having the sort of sex YOU want, when you want, not to be pressured or badgered into painful sex.

I want sex all the time, or his hands inside my knickers all the time. But it seems he does?
Do you mean you don’t want sex all the time? If you don’t then tell him! If you do just go with it but tell him how you like it, has to work for both people

I think it's normal in the honeymoon phase to want a lot of sex. But you also need to communicate your thoughts about this to him if that's not what you want.

You need to talk to him. Tell him what you've told us. Communication is the key

Yes, lots of people feel this way, especially in a new relationship, me for one.

Stop thinking about whether people are normal, and focus on what you want. You don’t seem very in to him, you sound like a bystander. You describe things happening to you rather than taking an active part. It shouldn’t be this difficult at the beginning. Either communicate more, or end it and find someone more on your wavelength.

The frequency doesn't seem extraordinary to me. Especially is you're not often together - even more so in a new relationship - where you grap ever opportunity going.

The roughness though isn't really to do with his sex drive - and if you don't like it you need to tell him. He may think you enjoy it and the more you just go along with it the more he'll think that. If you have told him and he doesn't adjust then that's an issue.

Sounds like he could be a boundary pusher. You met his children (yes I know they are teens) after what, six weeks? He wanted sex knowing his children could walk in any time? That doesn't sound healthy or respectful of anyone frankly. Be very careful.

You are right. I need to communicate all of this.
I think I’m not great at expressing my feelings and thoughts. A lot of it has to do with quite an abusive (not sexually) marriage I had for 18 years. In that time I unhealthily taught myself to not react or say a word when he got angry as it would get so much worse.

I need to speak up for myself now.

Sorry, he sounds totally grim. My fanny clamped shut and tried to crawl up my body cavity just from reading the OP.

This was a typo. I should’ve read, “I don’t want sex all the time, or his hands inside my knickers all the time

What @LunaNorth said.

I am all for spontaneous sex but he just sounds like a dog humping away at any chance.

Of course there are men who are sexually charged like that, he is one, so they do exist! I've met a few (current DH is a bit like that, now calmed a bit through time!) but it sounds like he's not actually in tune with you really and he's not engaging with what you want or enjoy. For a lot of men they view any opportunity being alone for a chance for sex and if they get willing signals from their partner it won't cross their mind that actually she might just be going along with it or might be sore or not up for it again that day. Also trying to shag you with his teenagers up and awake in the house is disgusting, sorry but it is. He does sound like a sex pest and needs to calm it right down. The only way he'll know this is if you tell him.

On a completely different note, you only met at Christmas time. I wouldn’t be having him over to your house where your children are. And he shouldn’t have introduced you to his children yet either. I think you need to put some boundaries in place. He can’t come over when your children are there. He needs to listen to you about being too rough. It’s clearly not what you want and if it’s sore days later that’s not good. He could have done you some damage. If you’re concerned about him going off you because you’re going to be on your period, that’s concerning because it’s going to be a regular occurrence and you don’t want to be in a situation where you feel you’re only a valid person to him when you’re giving him sex.

Boundaries. Set them now if you’re going to keep going with this relationship. You can say no to sex. You don’t need to put out every time he tries for it. Anticipation can be an erotic alternative to instant gratification.
Some women, (especially approaching menopause) need a little bit more foreplay and stimulation to get ready for sex. Not just wham bam thank you ma’am. That’s shit sex. It’s all about him. A good sexual partner will care about you having a good time and won’t want to bang your so hard that you’re in pain for days afterwards.

Its normal to have quite a lot of sex at the start of a relationship but there are a few red flags here -
Its not normal to be rough without checking in that it's OK with the other person
It's not normal to be so rough that you still hurt 3 days later
It's not normal to be ok having sex in a communal area when teenagers might walk in
It's really not normal to wake up to someone touching you without your consent, even if you've recently given consent

I'd be, at the very least, telling him I had my period and didn't want sex foe a few days (if you dont) to see what he does. If he says that's fine he still wants to see you anyway, that's the only way I'd be willing to carry on the relationship. If he said he will skip this weekend, or sees you and tries to pressure you into other things (particularly where there is no pleasure for you) then I'd be ending things.

If you stay together you do need to tell him that you don't like it that rough and tell him you still hurt.

No rhere are many red flags - rough sex is fine but needs to be agreed and it seems you did not consent to it and he didn’t care. Over sexualised behaviour when his children coild walk in is another

at the least it needs a conversation about boundaries but I would bin him and work on yourself

You're mixing up several things.

1. Full consent - nobody should be doing anything unless they are fully checked into you and what you enjoy. He shows a red flag for consent here, which is the biggest issue.
2. Communication- nobody should be assuming what you like without taking it slow and building on what you like. He shows a red flag here for simply being a bit crap in bed. Reminds me of that Monty Python sketch where the teacher tells off the pupil for "stampeding straight for the clitoris!" You also show a red flag, mildly, for being unable to advocate for yourself, ask for a change in the moment, or talk about sex in advance. That's ones of the best bits in new relationships!
3. His "sex drive" - there's nothing wrong with wanting someone desperately and trying to make them come within seconds of getting into the house. Wanting sex constantly with a new partner can be amazing! And not everyone connects a deeper emotional connection with greater lust. But- see 1 and 2 - just going for it, aggressively strongly, when the other person isn't into it, and without thinking they might want a nice emotional connection first... is not good.

My verdict - probably just crap in bed and thoughtless, rather than worse, but you won't improve him unless you are considerably more assertive about how you want sex to be. Is he worth it?

And you might need to do some work too, because you're at risk of normalising issues of consent-trampling, by attributing them to just male sex drive. So some caution advised, for this one and future relationships.

You need to start talking. If sex like this us a deal breakers for him, it might be better to cut your losses now. This isn't going to be fun once you're in the thick of the menopause. You might need lube etc and is he going to slow down enough for you to be comfortable? You shouldn't be left with pain.