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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about the amount of bereavement leave a colleagues has been given

332 replies

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 06:53

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

OP posts:
Trounlet · 05/02/2025 06:56

Your colleague may well have been signed off sick for a month rather than it all being bereavement leave, then there's nothing management can do.

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

Hercisback1 · 05/02/2025 06:57

She's likely signed off sick.

Your team being understaffed isn't her fault. Some people need more time to grieve. Speak to you manager about your team being over stretched, but don't put the blame on the colleague.

Purpleturtle46 · 05/02/2025 06:57

My friend had more than 3 months off and then a phased return when her Mum died suddenly. I don't think it's unreasonable she had a month off but provision should have been made to cover her workload in that time so if you are doing to complain I would focus on that aspect of it.

DUsername · 05/02/2025 06:58

You'd be complaining about the wrong thing in my mind. You need to complain about the impact on you all of being short staffed. Ideally you'd all work your exact hours and no more to force them into taking action - if you're NHS workers though and patients may be impacted I can see why you might not want to do that.

There's actually nothing wrong with a manager showing compassion and going above and beyond for a bereaved employee but everything wrong with expecting others to pick up extra work and work extra hours. Cover should have been arranged.

ZoeRuby · 05/02/2025 06:58

You are focusing on the wrong issue. You should be complaining that your manager hasn’t put sufficient cover in place whilst your colleague is off/on reduced hours. All it would take is for someone else to get ill/be injured in future and you’ll be in the same position.

You can’t possibly know why your colleague needs this bereavement leave; there are a multitude of reasons losing her mum may have required her to take this amount of leave.

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:59

In retrospect I wish I had taken more time to grief after deaths and also after other traumatic experiences, instead of rushing back to work to please others.

Lightswitchup · 05/02/2025 06:59

You have no idea what’s going on with your colleague or what leave she has been give, she might have been signed off. Stay well out of that or you will come across like an arsehole I’m sorry. You should speak to your manager if your are struggling with your own workload and frame it like that.

Conxis · 05/02/2025 07:00

Are you sure she's not been signed off sick?
And if so then yet Dr may have recommended a phased return.

Although in my experience phased returns are usually for people who've been off longer term, not just a few weeks

Completelyjo · 05/02/2025 07:00

Imagine working with a colleague like you!!

Her leave is non of your business. If your work load is a problem then take it to the appropriate person.

FatAgain · 05/02/2025 07:00

I couldn’t have worked a month after I lost my mum. I was still having panic attacks leaving the house. OMG. It was awful.

She’s obviously having a particularly hard time and can’t work, leave it. But if you ever need it yourself, you’ll be so grateful to have an understanding work place.

Bristolinfeb · 05/02/2025 07:01

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

This.

I agree she is mostly has been signed off sick.

Smashandflab · 05/02/2025 07:02

She might have experienced trauma of some sort when her mum died and be signed off sick. Complain neutrally about the cover situation, nothing else. Imagine if she got wind of you complaining how long she had been off for. Which, trust me, she absolutely would.

cryinglaughing · 05/02/2025 07:02

My headteacher's Mum died during the Christmas holiday, we didn't see her until after February half term 😳
Prior to this, she was quite vocal about how long a teacher in our department had taken when her dad died.....it wasn't even 2 weeks.

Do not complain to management, she very probably isn't on bereavement leave but has been signed off.
If you can't manage your workload, then that is a discussion to be had.

Original poster
Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 07:03

She's not been signed off sick, I log the leave and it's specifically bereavement leave.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/02/2025 07:03

Make your focus the work.
They need to solve the problem which is the workload.
You need to ask them to tel you in writing what work to prioritise and what to leave and tell them you cannot absorb another full time job and be expected to get everything done.

Kattya · 05/02/2025 07:04

I work for the nhs and the new policy is a months bereavement leave for a parents death. And as we know the staffing in the nhs is on its knees your manager needs to prioritise work while you are short staffed. Your complaint needs to be aimed at them

tinkersmell34 · 05/02/2025 07:04

It would be really, really bad form to comment on this and if you brought it up at work you would look incredibly heartless and a bit of a bitch to be honest.

You don't get to dictate how long someone grieves for. The staffing issues are not your colleagues problem or fault. Anyone in the team could go off long term at any time and the management should have some resilience in place for this.

Cherrysoup · 05/02/2025 07:05

My colleague took off 6 months post her stepparent dying, then another 6 months when the other one on the other side died. She was signed off sick to support the remaining parent and with stress. It was extremely difficult for us having to supervise her work. Your manager should definitely have brought in a temp. You can raise this but I don’t think complaining about the length of leave is appropriate.

Fleetheart · 05/02/2025 07:05

Why is there no cover? I definitely think you should tackle this- but you know you won’t get anywhere if you start moaning that the rules haven’t been followed. Your focus needs to be on youself and your workload and your manager’s job is to support you there.

Overthebow · 05/02/2025 07:06

Don’t complain about the leave, that is none of your business and will not go down well. What you need to have a discussion about is the extra workload you and your colleagues are expected to take on. Say that you are at capacity and cannot do the extra, you’ve worked overtime until now to cover the extra work and can’t do any more. They need to out cover in place so it’s not on you to do more. Focus on yourself.

JustMyView13 · 05/02/2025 07:07

Trounlet · 05/02/2025 06:56

Your colleague may well have been signed off sick for a month rather than it all being bereavement leave, then there's nothing management can do.

This is almost certainly what happened.
I understand it’s tough but ultimately you show up, you do your best, and if it’s not enough then they need to hire in temporary support.

We should be championing more support for people who are experiencing life events, not complaining to get less.

Snowy7 · 05/02/2025 07:07

You sound nasty! I hope you never lose someone close where you don't feel able to work for an extended amount of time.

Go and complain. I tell you it's not the colleague and the amount of leave which will look bad! You will.

Notmydaughteryoubitch · 05/02/2025 07:07

In my service (in a local authority) I can only offer 4 days bereavement leave but typically staff will self certify and then be signed off for a month (at least) to begin to process before they return to work. If they are struggling on their return I would also offer a phased return. I don't go round advertising the fact they are signed off sick as obviously it's no-one else's business what leave they are taking, occasionally they may also ask to take unpaid or annual leave, again I would consider that too, to support them. As many others have said your issue here is that your team doesn't have the capacity to pick up the slack when someone is off and that is a wider issue that needs addressing and is nothing to do with your colleague.

Freysimo · 05/02/2025 07:08

My son died when I was working for the NHS (non clinical role) and I stayed off for three weeks. I could have had longer (note from doctor) but chose to go back as I thought I would go mad without any structure to my life and I thought the longer I was off the harder it would be to return. We're all different though and NHS is quite compassionate about this, certainly when I worked in it. I didn't take as much time off for my mum and dad. I'm of the "get on with it" generation, not saying that's good or bad.