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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about the amount of bereavement leave a colleagues has been given

332 replies

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 06:53

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 05/02/2025 08:12

I genuinely can't imagine complaining because a colleague had a month away from work due to their mum dying.

FFS. Have some compassion.

TinyGingerCat · 05/02/2025 08:13

You are focusing on the wrong thing - whatever the reason for a colleague being off is, it's the effect it is having on other team members and your work load. You need to take the emotion out of this and ask your managers what they are going to do to alleviate the work load whilst you are understaffed as you are concerned about the impact this is having on the team.

BoldBlueZebra · 05/02/2025 08:13

I recently took 2 days bereavement leave then went back to work because of the additional stress on the team and I spent the next week sobbing at my desk. I imagine you’d rather her take the time than deal with someone who isn’t emotionally fit to fight on all fronta

AlpacaMittens · 05/02/2025 08:14

Do not say anything. You are being extremely unreasonable even thinking about this. You have no idea what's happening in their life, how their mental health is. It's a fucking bereavement. Leave them alone and get on with it.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 05/02/2025 08:15

Frankiedear · 05/02/2025 08:09

Generous paid leave in the NHS can be detrimental to the other staff. You could try raising the issue via a Health and safety stress at work risk assessment, so focus on management expecting you to cover colleagues work without guidance to what work can be left

It’s not generous. It’s to ensure that those returning to work can do so in a safe, effective and sustainable way. The staffing issue is seperate. Things shouldn’t be run so lean that when one person is off things crumble.

If it was recovery from an operation you wouldn’t be saying this. This is outdated, stiff upper lip, attitudes to mental
health and wellbeing and doesn’t make teams perform better. Quite the opposite.

Naddd · 05/02/2025 08:16

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 07:03

She's not been signed off sick, I log the leave and it's specifically bereavement leave.

So what? It takes as long as it takes. You're issue is with the workload and the management of it that is down to those in charge not your bereaving colleague!

Thatissimplyuntrue · 05/02/2025 08:16

BoldBlueZebra · 05/02/2025 08:13

I recently took 2 days bereavement leave then went back to work because of the additional stress on the team and I spent the next week sobbing at my desk. I imagine you’d rather her take the time than deal with someone who isn’t emotionally fit to fight on all fronta

So sorry to hear that. I hope you have managed to take the time you need now.

LostittoBostik · 05/02/2025 08:16

Trounlet · 05/02/2025 06:56

Your colleague may well have been signed off sick for a month rather than it all being bereavement leave, then there's nothing management can do.

They also aren't allowed to tell you the circumstances.

When you talk to HR or your managers you need don't make this about the colleague, make it about the contingencies your team needs urgently

Loveumagenta · 05/02/2025 08:17

What would be the point in having a grief stricken, upset colleague around? Do you honestly think they’d be fine doing their role?

Phthia · 05/02/2025 08:17

Trounlet · 05/02/2025 06:56

Your colleague may well have been signed off sick for a month rather than it all being bereavement leave, then there's nothing management can do.

This is the second post in the thread. It literally says in the first post that it is recorded as bereavement leave not sick leave.

verysmellyjelly · 05/02/2025 08:18

People need time to grieve after a bereavement. We should try to move, as a society, towards everyone having the time they need. YABU.

LostittoBostik · 05/02/2025 08:18

Ok so the alternative is she comes back and sits at her desk being totally useless and crying all day?

If she's unable to work, she's no use to you there either. As others have said, the issue is clearly the workload distribution. That's the thing to discuss. Not the colleague.

fairydustt · 05/02/2025 08:19

HairyToity · 05/02/2025 07:26

I had a colleague signed off for three months after her mum died. She'd been with company nearly 20 years, and had been extremely close to her mum. If she'd been a newbie I would have eye rolled, but I knew it'd been very sudden and taken it out of her, and she was a good egg. It depends on situation.

You would have eye rolled if someone new took a month off because their mum died? Really? Not like they can say ‘look mum, don’t die yet cause I’ve just started a new job and hairy will be annoyed if I take leave so maybe just wait a year to die please’

Hummingbird88 · 05/02/2025 08:19

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

This. 👆

Phthia · 05/02/2025 08:19

Completelyjo · 05/02/2025 07:00

Imagine working with a colleague like you!!

Her leave is non of your business. If your work load is a problem then take it to the appropriate person.

How can leave be none of her colleagues' business when they are being expected to work extra hours to cover it?

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 05/02/2025 08:19

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

This.

MillyVannily · 05/02/2025 08:19

You sound ... unempathetic is the kindest word i could muster, but i had worse in mind.

I have 2 people on maternity leave atm and 2 people on long term sick leave. We are also a small team.

I would never have thought to complain, no matter what leave it is, there is a reason for it and you just be glad you are healthy and well to show up and do your job.

If you struggle work load wise, I think the rest are right you should discuss with management to seek resolution but ultimately it's just 1 month ... how bad can it be? And trust me this person even if they were back they won't be as efficient as before for a while so maybe better for them to be off so they can gather some strength and their thoughts.

I remember when I lost a parent I was away for a month (I was on annual leave for 3 weeks) and that was just about enough.

Bringiton999 · 05/02/2025 08:19

You work for NHS and lack so much compassion ?! Wow.... that's exactly what is wrong with that institution.

Complain about workload and lacking cover but leave that poor women alone, it's up to your manager to deal with her not you.

Apollo365 · 05/02/2025 08:19

Be angry at your employer not your colleague

ClockingOffers · 05/02/2025 08:20

Forget about the why’s of the matter. Staff can be off for all sorts of valid reasons and none of them is your business.

However, you do need to (collectively) complain to management about your unreasonable increase in work load and ask why they haven’t recruited any temporary staff to fill the gaps?

Axlcat · 05/02/2025 08:20

wow. I’m glad I don’t work with you.The lack of compassion and empathy is shocking.

its not your colleagues fault that she is struggling to cope with the loss of her mum. And as others have said, it’s likely sick leave she’s taking - I imagine she’s struggling with poor mental health which is competently understandable.

The issue is the impact her absence is having on the team. And that’s something you need to raise with your line manager - from the perspective of it being understandable that your colleague needs to take time out, but there either needs to be additional support for the team or there needs to be an acceptance that some deadlines will not be met / work will not be able to be competed during this time.

Soontobe60 · 05/02/2025 08:21

Gymrabbit · 05/02/2025 07:48

i disagree with pretty much everyone on here. Whatever happened to resilience? It’s hardly news that many parents will die before their child finishes their working life. That’s months and months of lost work if everyone does it which it appears on here is common.

It’s a good job that this pampered generation weren’t around during world war 2. ‘I can’t possibly make munitions in the factory, my cousin died at the front last month’, ‘air warden? Sorry, my father died 3 months ago and I’m still getting over it’ I’ll just let the houses burn.

Fortunately I’ve only had the misfortune to work with someone like this once and I actually didn’t have to as after getting a job her mother died and she then she took 2 months off and never actually started.

I’m not sure if in most cases it’s just lazy, using the opportunity for time off or it being drilled into people that navel gazing, self obsession and constantly whining about mental health is essential, like some kind of contagion.

I do feel differently when it is a child who has died though.

and before you ask yes, I have lost a parent. My much loved dad last year. In total I took off 4 days. 2 for the funeral, and 2 when he was dying. I had a few ‘moments’ at work but it would have been utterly ridiculous to take off months because on a few days I had some tears.

You’re clearly so void of emotion that you've no idea that different people experience loss in different ways.

HelplessSoul · 05/02/2025 08:21

I feel especially sorry for the colleague that is on bereavement leave.

Said colleague doesnt realise what people they work with are truly like.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 05/02/2025 08:21

What a horribly unsympathetic attitude.

Also, if you're not her manager, why are you logging leave? Your colleagues leave reasons are none of your business 🤔

Soontobe60 · 05/02/2025 08:22

Phthia · 05/02/2025 08:19

How can leave be none of her colleagues' business when they are being expected to work extra hours to cover it?

Show quote history

The ‘business’ of which you talk is about lack of staff and managers not covering this.