To complain about the amount of bereavement leave a colleagues has been given

[Justgoogleitlater]

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

You have made some very naive statements about grief that suggests you have been lucky enough to escape significant grief and you seem to lack an awareness that people are all different. Hence me thinking that your posts come across in that way.

Keeping busy is a very natural avoidance response to psychological distress. It can be helpful but if overused for too long can become a problem in itself. But some people find they need to keep avoiding to get by, and that’s fine. It does find its way out though - through health issues or angry outbursts, numbness, relationship difficulties etc.

One thing is certain, we should never judge anyone for how they grieve.

Yes, the manager there was doing more than just being pedantic and following the rules mechanically. That was completely invalidating her experience and gaslighting her, really which must have added considerably to the distress.

Had the manager been compassionate and empathic and said of course take the week and see how you feel. Do what you can, he would have had some input out if her and a loyal employee. She would have felt cared about and like work was a psychologically safe place where she could step in and out if needed. Most people want to do a good job despite what life throws at them and won’t take the piss.

When people are in a state of grief we can’t make it better for them but our responses can make it worse or provide comfort and connection whilst they are in that dark place.

For someone blasting people on this thread, you should take your own advice and read what the OP said:

I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

The OP gives zero hoots about the work pressure and instead is ready to complain about the amount of bereavement leave that the colleague has had.

🙄

@VoodooRajin It wasn't me that said you sound young and naive but @Thatissimplyuntrue was bang on the money IMO.

Some of the things you have posted are just nonsense:

"Possibly, but from my many years of work, extended bereavement leave is not something I'm familiar with, but then i don't work in those kind of sectors."

What "kind of sectors"? Sectors with humans in them? Humans experiencing death? Magical immortal humans?

Isn't it good to keep busy

This is idiotic because a person in deep grief and the raw stages of bereavement suffers from shock, brain fog, struggles to concentrate and will in many cases cry a great deal, triggered by random nothingness. They can't "keep busy" because they are not even in a fit state to try. They need a bit of space and time and support. People are different but it is very common to be in that state after the death of a loved parent or spouse or child. They need to be out of work environment which, quite apart from the problems being unable to perform bring, it is rarely a 'safe' space for people to be fully vulnerable because of pressures of commerce, hierachy and employee competiton. A sweeping 'isn't it good to keep busy' (in this context - go back to work in that state) is just mindblowingly uninformed and immature. Only a person who has never experienced a significant death would think something so daft about early stage grief. It's so divorced from the reality of human experience as to be offensive.

Young and naive because i grieve differently you? that's so patronising it's fuuny

This itself shows your immaturity. You would realise the comments directed at you are not about "grieving differently" but about your lack of understanding of the effect of a death of a mother on a child. The fact you can't even see this and describe it as 'so patronising it's funny' just doubles down on your immaturity. It isn't patronising because it's obviously correct.

@twentystepsBack Absolutely bang on!

You clearly didn’t read this; The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us. 🙄