Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

You are being unreasonable and need to get a grip. I feel sorry for the husband.

So you wouldn’t have asked him to stay off but you just wanted him to offer? Am I reading it right?

I don’t think your DH should be staying home when you have a heavy cold, sorry.

Your DH is a doctor. He cannot just offer to stay home as the DC are unwell. It’s crap and it sounds incredibly tough, but so does a 70hr week. I think you’re being unfair to him, as offering isn’t an option. Who will cover his shift at such short notice? If you or DC were seriously unwell that’s different, but he can’t offer to stay home everytime you all get a cold.

You sound as if you never get a break and he sounds as if he isn’t interested in parenting. Does he bring anything positive to the relationship beyond financial support?

It must be very difficult to have a disabled child, but you have taken on the role of SAHM while your husband goes out to earn the family crust. It’s all very well saying, “he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go” - but from his POV, this is an entirely meaningless exchange. He has a responsible job and responsibilities to others at that job: he can’t just drop everything, and as a doctor, can you imagine what his fellow doctors would say if he so much as intimated that you expected him to stay at home because you have a cold? Sorry, OP, but the thing about motherhood is that there’s no time off for good behaviour - you just have to get through it. Your DH’s career has to be his number one priority, just as the DC are yours. Do you have any other help you could call on? Don’t feel aggrieved: your DH is simply doing his best for your household, and your DC deserve two parents - so stop with the resentment and concentrate on the fact that he’s “a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable”.

Sorry to hear you feel rubbish!

I think there's a few separate bits - the part about him working 70 hours a week and his career is his priority - he's the sole provider for an entire family, including disabled children - his career needs to be important to him to allow to do that. Being a doctor is such a vocation that it does take really dedicated individuals, something which was seen in a positive light to begin with but now isn't.

I don't think this whole issue should be around "offering" - if you need help, ask. Don't base your feelings of being respected on him offering things, it's setting everyone up for failure. Especially if you're then going to throw out passive aggressive remarks + phone calls about it, especially as he's heading to a shift.

If you've all got a cold that's crap, especially when you're struggling to sleep and looking after children - but if you're not throwing up / unable to physically look after the children / unable to leave bed, then I can see why he would assume he can still go to work.

For the finances aside you might as well be a single parent comment - that's a horrible thing to throw in the face of someone you say is loyal and dependable, who's working 70 hour weeks to keep the family afloat, especially as they're on their way to work.

I completely get that you are exhausted and feel unsupported and your husband could do better on that front but I do think you're being unreasonable in wanting him to offer to stay home.

You wanted your Dr dh to stay at home because you have colds? The nhs is on its knees as it is! Could you imagine phoning into work with that excuse?

Moving forward can you look into some regular respite for your child to give you a proper break?

You should have asked, and you should have done it several hours before he was due to go out. Not passive aggressive martyr comments as he's leaving and then while he's on his way.

Night shifts for a doctor means he's not going to be easy to replace, and will be doing direct patient work on wards or surgery, it's not a paperwork day.

This is unfair you can say you think I’m being unreasonable (will totally accept that) without being this condemning. How many severely disabled kids do you have that you had to give up your entire life to care for whilst watching your DH’s life carry on without a hitch? If I’m that awful maybe I should just leave him and the kids to be ‘better off without me’ and see how he manages then!

I deeply sympathise but I don’t think you realise how difficult it is, and how big the impact is on colleagues, to stay home from work, especially shift work, and for someone with so much responsibility. Who would cover his shift at short notice?

The issue is that you’re wrung out and he doesn’t realise (doesn’t care?) about how difficult your role is. You need a conversation to sort out how he can support you better, but staying home from work at short notice isn’t the solution.

YABU about that particular incident.

But I'm guessing you feel unsupported and unseen by him and for that YANBU at all.

This is clearly how you feel deep down and it must be so hard OP but have you discussed him cutting his hours and you going back to work part time perhaps. I’m guessing because he is the higher earner this isn’t a consideration. What about getting job to help pay for some care, is your child in receipt of benefits? It sounds like you need some respite, even in the form of paid work.

To everyone else, fair enough thanks for the feedback. I really didn’t want to be a SAHM and the resentment is strong which is my issue I suppose just feel like all my choices in life got taken away. I love my kids but he seems to want to avoid us at every turn.

I never ask him to be off I push through and I’m very dedicated to ‘he can’t be off’ I get his career is important but the amount of stuff I’ve gone through alone especially with disabled DS because DH was just not there is soul destroying.

This put plans inmplace to cope. When does he start school? That would be the time to look at work you can now do. You need tonaoeak to your dh about how he can facilitate you going back to work.

but getting annoyed because youve asked him to say things he doesnt mean and would not follow through with is pointless.

You sound burned out. It’s not the cold, or the night shift, it’s the final straw.

Is their any spare money to get some help so you can have a few hours to yourself a week, gym/hobby etc. It sounds like you’ve lost who you are.

Does your husband do locum work? It’s very unusual for anybody to be working 70 hours in the NHS, unless it’s through choice? If it’s through choice and the extra money not really required it’s unfair of your husband.

You probably know he couldn’t stay off because you had a cold. But, working 70+ hours and offering no physical support to allow you some downtime is unfair, doctor or not!

He talked a really big game about this when he wanted the second DC so close to DS but none of it ever materialised. He was so determined to have the kids and a small gap and I feel like I’ve just been left to it.

I wouldn’t get into playing those little games in a relationship. I’m more of a straightforward communicator.

He’s not ‘working’ the 70 hours but they’ve stuck him at a hospital that’s a 1.5 hour commute each way. He moves every 6 months and we have no control over where he’s sent. It’s hard

Then for that he is definitely being unreasonable. I would think about how you see things working for you then present him with a plan of action. When your child starts school there will definitely be a little more time for you but you need to decide what that means and tell him what you would like/expect. E.g. could you get a cleaner so you get 1/2 days to yourself when you child is at school.

YABU because it comes across as playing games.

Doctors are skeleton crew at night as it is - the fact you want him to ask, even if you’d say no, just feels a touch manipulative tbh.

I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left.

I’m not trying to be mean but when you’ve been out of the workplace for a while you loose sight of that’s normal or acceptable. It’s simply not acceptable to phone in with an hour notice to say you aren’t coming in, you’re absolutely fine but your wife has a cold!

I am sorry you are poorly, but your dh perspective will be life and death op, and a cold is manageable isn’t it.

The real issue here is you really must address the sacrifice you have made to care for your disabled child, and consider some help now, regular respite.Its too much to expect you to continue like this, with no life. It’s okay to say I can’t carry on, I dont want to carry on, and start making changes.

Op you have options, you have choices. You have the finances to have a much better life than the one you have now.

You feel unsupported, because you are unsupported. You can change this if you want to. Daily care to come in for a few hours? So you can go out and have time to yourself. Overnight care so you can have some sleep? What can you put in place to ensure you have the support and care you need to have done kind of life yourself?

Can you afford additional help OP? Sounds like this is getting too much and as a lone parent I've had to buy in a nanny, cleaners and also then private school to be able to balance my life. Struggling on as you are doesn't make you a hero, it makes you a martyr.