Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

It doesn’t sound like she was given much choice about the SAHM role. And was pressured into having the second.

Can he not ask for consideration to be given for this next move? He has a disabled child and needs to be within 30 mins? Like a reasonable adjustment request? Agree in looking for some respite too. I feel for you OP, it sounds incredibly tough. But your DH doesn’t have a job you can just say you’re not going in as wife and DC have colds (in fact, not many do for that as whilst its rubbish, it’s not anything you’d grant emergency dependant leave for). Do you have any family who can help? Can you afford some paid help?

It’s unreasonable for you to ask him to stay home to look after people with colds when he’s looking after life or death situations every day. It is not unreasonable to ask for extra support and to get him to pay for it. Respite care, cleaners, food delivery service, etc. and you should.

Op is an adult and could have said no.

The 'oooh he's a doctor' vibes here are incredible. The OP is on her knees and, not wanting to put too fine a point on it, there are very sad stories in the news of what women have done when pushed to the brink looking after a disabled child(ren) with no emotional support. Yes thw husband here works and provides but there is no emotional support.

OP, in your DH's mind, offering to be off when he knows you won't accept probably does feel pointless. It's clear you just need the sympathy and empathy. Have a think of alternate ways it would make you feel appreciated and then let your DH know what you would like him to say when you are at the end of your rope.

Sometimes people just need to have some relationship phrase guidelines.

On a more practical front is there any way at all you can seek respite care support? All too often people who are perceived to be 'middle class' and well off are unsupported emotionally and physically. Perhaps you could haul yourself to the GP with your children and bluntly tell them you are on your knees and need support. Ask for a referral for community support (so you don't randomly leave with a prescription for anti-depressants). Good luck and I hope you feel better from your cold soon.

It sounds like she expected him to follow through on the big promises he made in order to convince her to have a second child close behind the first. He made promises while he was a doctor, while he knew what his priorities were and then he went back on them. She is more than entitled to be pissed off and hurt about it.

It sounds like she's unexpectedly and unwillingly a SAHM to a disabled child, with another close in age, and she is burnt out, resentful, and feels like her husband has no empathy for her. Give her a break. because her husband isn't going to

I am sorry you feel unwell and unsupported but your husband cannot take time off willy nilly.

You need help, op, think about hiring someone to support you at home, it will make such a difference.

It's not a competition, but I was married to a junior doctor back when the hours were way more than 70 per week. Plus the study for exams on top. And the 6 months on the other side of the world for an elective! I knew from day one what it involved, and it was one of the reasons why we never had children - I also knew that I would have to do everything. You didn't know you would have a disabled child, but you still chose to have 2 babies when you knew how the medical profession works. Yes, it is hard as the spouse but, honestly, what did you expect? As he goes up the career ladder, use his money to pay for as much help as you can get!

You were unreasonable to ask him to cancel work at short notice for a cold, you would not be unreasonable to divorce him as he doesn't seem to bring anything to your relationship or family unit except money.

It would not have gone down well at his work if he had been off to look after his family who essentially had a cold. The doctor thing makes it harder, as he would directly impact patients and other staff.

If you just wanted him to offer, this is probably a male/female difference. My DH would never offer something that couldn't happen, it just wouldn't occur to him! He would want me to ask directly if needed, or get on with it.

The rest of it sounds tough. He really needs to work less, presumably lots of it is on call. You really need a break, either by him stepping up or some sort of respite.

Op, you do a relentless job.
Your husband is not a slacker but can't be as flexible as a SAHD.
Your resentful disposition needs attention. Find an enjoyable hobby, job - paid or unpaid or sport for a couple of half days per week.
Pay someone to care for your children or use respite care for that time.Your disabled child is a life long commitment that needs to be sustainable.
Now that SD is 5, can you transition him into more paid care and education? Make time for your work if you want your career back.

I would also instigate a weekly relax for you, your DH and children where you can chill out for a couple of hours and forget about hardships. A botanical garden nearby? An aunt who loves help in her garden? A beach to walk along?

And what would have happened to their DC then? I don't imagine she had much choice in the matter at all.

He sounds like the kind of man who would never have pulled his weight with dc regardless of disability / you being a SAHM anyways. What was he like before children? Was it all about him then too?

This sounds incredibly tough on you and I agree with the suggestions to hire in help.
Your DH is busy with work and earning money to provide for your family, and I would hope a doctor's salary would help pay for a cleaner at least.
Again as others have said, have you looked at what respite care there is? Also schools? I don't know the extent of your child's disability or age but when they are school age I hope they are able to access something outside the home which will then help give you some time.

Sorry edited to say you have put their age, can your youngest go to nursery? What is happening about specialist schools for your eldest?

I think another issue is you resenting your DH. I can't imagine what it's like to suddenly find yourself having to be a carer to a disabled child and wonder if you ever had any counselling to offload at? As you said on here, you feel his life hasn't changed and I think that resentment is just going to keep building.
I would definitely think about what things can be changed such as help for you, and what can't (him working) and once you feel a bit better start trying to put a plan into action.

Gently OP in this scenario there will always be one parent who has to take off the majority and usually the lower earning one OR both go out to work and use one salary to pay for childcare.

if you really want to go back to work, you can. You would just have to pay for specialist care instead.

your DPs life has not continued with out a hitch he has a massive responsibility of 3 dependants who don’t eat if he doesn’t work. Outside of the responsibility or just being a DR being a sole provider is a constant financial burden. He cannot take risks, he can’t change careers or take 6 months off to study or follow his dreams. he can’t take unpaid leave for stress or illness. He HAS to work.

I think your overreaction here is becuase of how unhappy you are

maybe start a conversation with the fact that even though you did overreact this time you are burnt out and resentful and an overhaul of responsibility is needed because you can take it all there needs to be a balance - because there does

This

What a nasty response, why do you feel sorry for her husband? The Op is the one doing all the care for their disabled child. She’s on her knees.

I think YABU to ask him ro offer to stay off but YANBU to expect him to support you in raising your kids. I think you should sit him down and say you can't keep going like this and he needs to make some changes. I guess neither of you are living the life you expected to live but you need to be a team in addressing that. If he won't, could you leave? Obviously life would be hard alone but if you're already basically alone anyway at least you wouldn't have the resentment and feeling of abandonment you have now.

You're on your knees. You need help. Take action to make a small change every day this week to steer things in a more sustainable direction for you.

Stop the hotel service. Drop anything that isn't necessary for now. Hire a cleaner. Look seriously at getting some respite. Talk to someone you trust about how you feel, ideally your DH. Research support services and send an email to one every day for the next five days and see what you get back.

Stop focusing on being a good wife, and refocus on being a whole human. You're both entrenched in your positions, see if you can carve out small ways in which your life would feel better for you.

I’m sure you know that making charges is near on impossible for a doctor and also they rely on his money.

I had friends with a severely disabled child and they paid for a lot of additional care for her. You need to do this to get regular breaks.

You are tired, unwell and resentful. I actually wouldn't apologise, you've said how you felt and I would leave that conversation there. What I would do now is the bare minimum to get you through this period of illness.

Once you are better I would have a sit down conversation about this. You have a child who requires a lot of care this must not only affect you mentally but physically too I would be looking at outsourcing everything you can to make your life easier. If you can access help at least twice a week overnight I would absolutely get it. If you think respite would be a better option I would look into it. I would be making sure things are done to take the pressure off you day to day. I would be asking friends or family for help. I appreciate that you might not want them to mind your children if one has complex needs but could they batch cook some meals for you monthly to restock your freezer or could they help with your other child? Are there any online groups for parents of children with complex needs that you could access?

As for your relationship I would drive home that how you feel isn't a one off. You appreciate he works had and is providing financially but you need to be appreciated for the sacrifices you are making for your family. You might not be earning a wage but your job is damn hard and relentless too. If he is unable to help practically then he should be helping financially with anything that makes your day to day easier even if it is a meal service for a period of time or outsourcing laundry. I would see how he responds.

OP I think you have had some harsh responses from PPs who are focusing in on this specific exchange and missing the big picture, which is that your life has changed beyond recognition, and not in a positive way, while his has changed very little.

I absolutely recognise the immense responsibility he is carrying in his role, but let's be honest, no one held a gun to his head. For someone with the capability to study and practice medicine, there are certainly much easier ways to earn a living, and so it's safe to assume that despite all the difficulties, he is fulfilling his passion and enjoying the considerable external recognition and validation that comes with the profession. His career is likely to be long, varied, stimulating and rewarding, with opportunities for development and growth.

Meanwhile OP is held hostage at home in groundhog day, exhausted, invisible, with no end in sight, providing 24/7 care to two precious but demanding children and performing all of the mindless repetitive drudgery that enables his to fulfil his ambitions. She's ill and absolutely on the edge and yet again her DH can simply walk out the door, away from it all and out into the world, protected by the sheild of his Very Important Job.

Resentment doesn't even begin cover it.

Not at all - changes could involve getting some paid respite care, him being more emotionally present if not physically present, him taking the kids for a few hours on the weekend so OP can have some 'me' time, him going down to part time hours at some point in the future so OP could do some hours at work - lots of options. The main issue according to OP is she feels like he doesn't care. That needs to change.