Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

I wouldn’t underestimate the tiredness and stress that comes from commuting three hours a day.

That’s not diminish your own tiredness and stress levels from being alone with your DC for so many hours a day, but I think it’s likely you are both just doing whatever it takes to survive at the moment.

Are you actually kidding ?! Our severely disabled children are still our much loved children, most of us don’t want to send them off into residential care even if it was available and affordable! A year of residential care is probably about the same as a doctor’s salary, many tens of thousands of pounds . So that does leave many parents in an impossible situation, it’s absolutely crap to be honest .

I think you as a family need a better solution and I agree he should be part of figuring that out. What care options are there for your child? It sounds like you need some respite and help.

I’m sorry you had to go through this and you sound a lovely person, genuinely,

I think though, gently no one is saying the op should be able to get funded respite, more she can potentially afford to pay herself for a respite carer, so it’s more they need to find a suitable person, and potentially as he is a doctor, he may know of qualified candidates,

she also has the option of returning to work and helping pay for a carer that way, as she is resentful having to do it, and that’s fair enough.she doesn’t need to any more than her husband does.

funded care, yes it’s a fight and a unicorn, self funded, that’s a different animal. Especially for a doctor.

Of course it's a crap situation.

No-one wants to give birth to a disabled child.

But if they arrive then sometimes difficult choices have to be made.

As we don't know the details of the OP's child's disability/ies it isn't possible to say what residential care would cost.
Day care and respite care are also available.

Support is available (both financial and practical) and the OP could start by contacting her Health Visitor or Social worker.

I think there is a real misconception here about how much early career doctors actually earn in the NHS. Yes, their family income is going to be considerably higher than the average family with a disabled child (which is something shocking like £17,000 - a whole other thread). And future prospects are good. But right now, on his income alone, they are likely to be far from being able to throw money at the problem in the way that some posters think they should be doing.

If what you say is correct then why on earth did they decide to have a second child so soon after the one that was disabled?

Ridiculous.

Dad wanted them to, apparently. Promised that all would be fine, they’d manage together. Then he faded out to work.

So it seems that no "work plan/jobs rota" was drawn up when this was all arranged? No home help or cover if one or both was ill?

They seem as disorganised as each other.

I have some sympathy, but the likelihood of someone dying if a doctor misses a shift at short notice is probably a lot higher than the likelihood of anyone in your household dying from a cold.

If is is on 6 monthly rotation he’s likely in speciality training, so maybe 45 - 47k a year, which is low for a family of four to live on.

but again if the op chooses to work, then her earnings could pay for a carer depending on how much she earns. It could be this was forced on her as she was a low earner, and with his wage, they just couldn’t afford care.

Thank you for your kindness. I’m certainly feeling quite fragile and down about it all at the moment so I appreciate your kind words.
I receive something called self directed support - money to pay for carers- and it’s so difficult to find carers privately. It’s not well paid, many can’t drive which I need, and it doesn’t cover full time hours so carers often have other jobs as well. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve had 3 carers on the books but not one of them could cover a particular shift as they had other jobs to go to. Leaving me tearing my hair out.
Im in my early 60’s now and would dearly love someone to get her up and dressed and out for the day, but funding won’t cover it and I can’t afford it so I’ll have to struggle on for a few more years. She was due to go out this week but woke up tired and refused to go , leaving us stuck again. It’s so hard .

God help you OP, your life sounds really miserable.
How convenient for him to never be there to help.
Have you family?
This is one of those situations where packing a bag when he comes home and have it in the boot and drive off, stay in the nearest hotel.
Tell HIM to sort it out for a bit.
Go visit your family and have a rest before you burn out.

Men don't accidentally not spend time with their families.
They know how hard it is and deliberately avoid being around as a result.

Two things strike me here.The first is your relationship, I worry you don’t have time for each other.
You’re both doing more than full time jobs and it must be very hard.
The other thing is, your DH must earn a very good salary.Would it be possible to arrange some respite care for you?
Ultimately working a 70 hr week isn’t sustainable in so many ways.

Oh cmon he’s a trainee doctor. He didn’t just become that since they had a kid.

I wasn’t going to reply to anymore as I got my answer but honestly I just can’t not respond to this. You very VERY clearly have no understanding AT ALL of what is or is not available for disabled children.

Firstly, there are residential care homes for children like my son but they don’t take them until around 8 years. Before that they would only take them into a foster care placement. Which would likely bounce DS straight out due to his size and being too physically difficult to manage (social workers words not mine).

Secondly, the residential options that are available from 8 years are not available privately. Private care homes for severely disabled kids do not, to mine or our social worker (30 years experience) exist. In fact the only way to access the residential homes that do exist are via signing a form that essentially gives up your rights and even then it’s a roughly 2 year wait to be places and the placement can be anywhere in the entire U.K. including Ireland. You have no control over where they go. You also can’t just choose to sign that form and join the waiting list you have to apply to a panel to be allowed to and we wouldn’t be considered due to DS’s age.

Thirdly, even if the fantasy private homes you’re picturing did exist and we could just snap our fingers for a place, the cost of a places would FAR FAR FAR exceed my DH’s income. The average cost of a regular specialist school place (term time only non residential) is over £100k per year per student or so our ECHO officer told me. So I can only estimate a full year residential would be over £200k per year.

Fourthly, my DH is a trainee doctor in ENGLAND do you know how much they actually earn? It’s not like America, DH earns enough to comfortably pay our bills but a holiday would be a stretch.

and lastly, you are incredibly tone death because you are flippantly and confidently making statements and offering judgment on a subject (child disability) you very clearly have absoloutley no understating of!

OP hasn't said but I assume that the disabled child is the younger one. It was her husband who insisted on having a second child, not OP.

You know absolutely nothing about availability and costs for residential care for disabled children, nor whether OP would even want to send her child away and you have shown not a scrap of empathy for OP in all your ignorant posts.

Why do you think it is appropriate to berate and scold someone who is obviously at the end of her tether, particularly on a subject on which you have no knowledge or expertise?

Op did say.

So DS is our eldest but he has autism with severe learning disabilities which were in no way apparent until he had a huge regression around 14 months and has never really progressed past that mental age since. DC2 was born several weeks later. We had no idea and by the time we did DC2 was already here.

I think you should use your big girl words when you need something. And if he is clear that staying home isn’t an option, you should discuss additional support such as a nanny or mother’s helper during the day so you can catch a break as needed.

Partner of a medic here - they can have a blind spot when it comes to caring for their own families. It's a running joke in our family that it's pointless asking DP for an opinion on your health as he'll just say - see your GP. I'm not excusing your DH here - they are his kids too and he does have a broader responsibility to caring for them other than just bringing in the cash. How much longer has he got before he can apply for consultant posts ?

I'm sure your are feeling run down in general - it's February, the weather has been grim, you have 2 toddlers (a tough time in a family irrespective of any ND / disability diagnosis ). So ask for help - either from him, or get help in - cleaner, ironing service, child care for a couple of hours whilst you go to the hairdresser, whatever you as a family can afford.

You also need a plan B - who cares for the kids when the usual carer can't. This needs to be a realistic plan B, not just " Oh I'll ring my sister " when she lives 4 hrs drive away and you need help 45 mins ago. Worth exploring with your DH at what point he would stay at home and not go to work.

Are you in contact with any parent groups for children with your DS's diagnosis - can be a wonderful source of practical and emotional support. Ask your DS's social worker for any support she can offer - even if it's not quite what you need.

I do hope you start to feel better soon.

OP I feel for you. You need a break. Some help. Some support. Some kindness.

I have been a consultant for 30y. A resident doctor not turning up for a night shift at short notice is a disaster. It throws the whole plan for clinical care into chaos. A resident would need to have a hell of a good reason to do this. So yes, I get his reaction here.

But I am overall on your side. Your life sounds lonely and relentless. Being a doctor is tough. But there can be camaraderie. It’s rarely boring. You have the intrinsic reward of helping others. What do you have in your life to enjoy?

I have been a resident doctor. And know many more. Some with kids. Even the male doctors take time off to care for their families. Some go part-time. There is no excuse for his overall attitude and switching off. He can do his job whilst showing you care and appreciation.

I didn’t switch off being a mum because I was a doctor. His career isn’t the big deal he thinks it is and he needs to get over this asap. He needs to get a grip and be a more present dad and partner. Emotionally if not practically.

And the people who think you can just pay for residential care that is easily available and affordable, are deluded. Even a private consultant could not afford those fees. Never mind a doctor in training.

Yes his life is hard right now. But so is yours.

I wish you had support. X

I have read some of the comments here and am disgusted by the lack of emotional intelligence.

And also there is such ignorance of resident doctor pay and the cost of respite care. If it actually were available.

What a way to speak to someone who is exhausted and feeling vulnerable and who has a sense of hopelessness about the future.

People never cease to amaze me. And not in a good way.

Are you reading this OP?

At 6.34. on 5.02.2025 you said " I really didn't want to be a SAHM." and I think this is the crux of the matter.

In addition, your husband has done a "bait and switch" and can't or won't step up to the plate.

Bewailing the ignorance of posters regarding residential care is rather futile on a non-specialist site.
It has been suggested that you avail yourself of the advice from professionals re respite care.

And where are the grandparents in all this?