Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

Unfortunately this is life with kids OP, made even harder if one or more of the children have additional needs. You cannot expect DH just to cancel work commitments at short notice unless there is a real emergency (which this isn't).

There was a thread yesterday asking why some posters are often so horrible to the OP. I mentioned the posters who always leap onto the thread with a one line, completely unhelpful and unempathetic comment such as 'get a grip', 'you sound like hard work' and 'grow up'. And hey presto, here you are!

FFS the OP DIDN'T ASK HER DH TO STAY HOME. Given that she is actually married to a fucking doctor, I'm sure she is quite as aware as all the superior posters on the thread of the impact of him not going in.

What she was asking for was for him to to provide some verbal support, encouragement and reassurance. She is on her knees and needs to feel that if the chips were absolutely down, she isn't in this alone, that someone is there for her. Honestly, has no one been in the situation where someone's love and words of encouragement hasn't made them feel a bit stronger about facing something hard?

I know lots of posters will accuse her of playing 'mind games' and that she is a grown adult who should just have told him explicitly what she needed. But good grief, is it really too much for him to have figured this out about his own sick, exhausted wife? He's supposed to be a bloody doctor.

This is quite an unpleasant post. She is not acting like a 50s housewife expecting flowers. Sometimes if we wake up and feel shitty we should not go on line and spread it round.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds like a really tough night!

I think you need to pay for some support especially with young children plus disability! Your DH sounds pretty useless when it comes to the family front.

@cookingthebooks I really didn’t want to be a SAHM and the resentment is strong which is my issue I suppose just feel like all my choices in life got taken away.

So why did you take on the role?

No-one took your life choices away - you gave them away.because you thought you could "have it all",

You don't say how old you are but even so what was the rush to start a family?

I know girls who married guys with demanding jobs such as being merchant seamen and that involved being away for months at a time. These girls developed their own careers and started a family 7-10 years down the line when both they and their husbands were established. Then the husbands took shore-based jobs on less money and they worked p/t.

You need to give your head a wobble and sort out some childcare/mother's help or the like.

Gosh, sounds like you have three babies!

She just wanted him to show some empathy and offer. OP is obviously at the end of her tether caring full time for a severely disabled child with no help or respite. The colds that OP and the children have are just the straw that broke the camel's back. If OP stops coping due to stress and has a breakdown, the family is completely fucked. Her DH, as a doctor, must realise that.

To all of those who have posted that you need to communicate better with him @cookingthebooks, I'd like to suggest that he could do with a few classes in improving his bedside manner because when someone responds with a throwaway comment like "That was never an option" it sounds so cutting and demeaning and cruel, like you're the last thing of importance on his list rather than being top of the list.
Had he said "Oh, I'm so sorry love, but I just can't drop things at such short notice" or "I really have to show up for work, but I'm sure you'll do the best you can" - both still get the same point across but are less harsh to be on the receiving end.
There is something that doctors do when they become doctors. They learn so much about the medical side of things but the human side seems to be left at the door of the hospital and their bedside manner is very often cold, clinical and crass. He could be doing a lot better there. Even talking to his family.

Just something that he could work on along with taking on more responsibility at home.

I think he should sit down with you and try to find a solution to give you some time away from fulltime caring. Presumably he's a high earner and could afford a nanny or some other form of household help? It wouldn't exactly have helped with last night's scenario, but if you know you have a day or an afternoon's break once or twice a week at least you know you can rest then.

Op, my friend is in a similar situation, her son is severely disabled and she now stays home, the stress of it is enormous, as is her resentment,

what she can’t see is their home atmosphere is always terse and difficult, as he also is dealing with a disabled child, an unhappy wife, and trying to hold down a job to pay for everything, and so he has his own resentments, both can only see it from their side, as when you’re unhappy you tend to focus on that unhappiness and not the other person.

so instead of working together, pulling together, they are pulling apart. Neither seeing the other side, simply giving it lip service due to their own unhappiness.

you need to try to both see it from the other side, two facts are clear.

you need support
he needs to work

so for me unless he changes job, to something non stressful, 9-5 with a short commute, maybe even goes part time, and you both down grade your financial requirements accordingly, then the answer is to hire a carer. One day a week to give you respite. And you leave the house that one day, it doesn’t matter if you get a job, or volunteer, or go hang out someplace, see friends, family, whatever.

or you go back to work full time and hire full time care.

i can honestly say if my friend had at least some respite care weekly I’m fairly sure part of her resentment would ease. And their home would be less of a terse war zone. Even if she went back to work full time or part time and used her full earnings to pay for care, it would be better for them all.

but right now, they are in the trenches, sticking to their decision, and it is hugely clear to everyone it doesn’t work, and her relationship with her disabled child is difficult and lacking in patience, which he tries to counteract with kindness, which is its own problem.

you both need to rethink your decisions.

Why did you agree? If you were already parenting a severely disabled child, why have another so soon if you didn't want to? You had agency in this.

Should he have offered? No I don’t think so. This would not be an appropriate reason to fail to turn up for a night shift at the last minute as a doctor (with very real potential consequences of patient harm). If you were completely incapacitated and the safety of the children was at risk and there were no alternatives maybe. But not for a cold.

You imply you would not have taken him up on the offer, but I presume you don’t want him to offer things he has no intention of doing? That’s disingenuous and unhelpful

It does sound like you are at breaking point and in your own words very resentful of him. I think you need to talk through your situation and see what can be done to improve things

it sounds like he is in a training post rotating around hospitals. He will have no say over where he goes or what rota he works - he has to work the rota he is contracted to work. Unless he is doing a lot of extra hours (either locuming or staying very late to do unpaid extras to boost his portfolio) he probably can’t currently realistically reduce his hours.

he may be able to agree less than full time training - this would affect his take home pay and potentially significantly prolong his total training time, but might be worth considering even if it’s just for the next couple of years. He could potentially leave the training post and have more flexibility - but this could definitely affect long term prospects as he might struggle to get back into a training post. Once he is a consultant he will have more stability.

i hope you manage to talk about it and find a way to get more support

I feel you've mixed things up a lot, which is understandable when you feel low, but you need to unpick all the pieces to work on them.

1. You not getting a break; unrelated to your cold everyone needs downtime. Set one morning each week and one evening each week when DH is not at work; must take full responsibility for the kids that one morning and one evening so you can recharge.
2. Lack of effort from DH; related to above, he needs time to bond with his own children and with you. Have a serious conversation when you can explain this calmly.
3. Staying off because you have a cold - no, that one isn't reasonable, just go to bed. Cosleep if you can to get the most sleep, I find I auto-settle DS without fully waking if he's poorly and in bed with me, much more restful than bounding around after a crying child.
4. SAHM - this is the tricky one, but sounds most important for your self esteem. What have you arranged for childcare? The 5yo should be entitled to school and the 3yo to 15 hours in a school nursery at a minimum, they'll be entitled to 30 hours if you work 16 hours. That would give you a break, but what have you also explores for childcare to go back to work part-time?

FFS she has a severely disabled child, that’s why she became a stay at home Mum! So yes her life choices were taken away, by necessity not choice. She’s not trying to “have it all” How tone deaf are you?

I think this is what you need to communicate to your husband.

I think YABU to expect him to offer. My therapist told me that it's unhealthy to expect people to mind read.

It's probably also not very healthy to expect your husband who probably feels morally stretched thin between his work which impacts others with his absence and his knackered wife and disabled child.

That said you can only find a solution if you communicate. It doesn't need to be a finger pointing conversation.

Just "can I talk to you DH? You are doing so much to support us financially and you help so many people with your job, but I'm wondering if there's anyway you can help me or if we can bring in some help externally. I am feeling really burnt out and unwell and I feel like if I continue plodding on at this pace it's going to make me seriously ill. Can we talk about some possible options?"

This, especially if he's on nights, the hospital won't have the staffing of day shift doctors and we've been left sometimes with only a few doctors covering all wards, so that means, confirming a death, detaining patients.

I totally understand where you're coming from as a parent carer to a severely disabled child. I think by wanting him to offer to stay home, what you actually probably want is for him to acknowledge how hard your life is right now and the sacrifices you're making. Alright he's doing 70 hours a week but you're on call 24 hours a day with no break. It's not sustainable and burning out is a very real thing. How will he manage when you're physically not able to function? He wont be able to stay silent and hope it goes away.

I love all the suggestions of " just get respite" like it's that easy. DS is still under the children's hospice at 19 as his condition is life limiting. He gets one overnight a year because places are reserved for those who are actively at end of life (as they should be). There's a major shortage of respite places and private carers are like hen's teeth. Its taken me 3 years to find carers to cover just 12 hours a week and that's because 2 of his cousins have become old enough to do it.

Sorry I've no real practical advice because the life of a parent carer is often truly shit, but wanted to say that you're not alone and I think the "ooh but he's a doctor" pile on is unnecessary. DH works a similar amount of hours but has managed to negotiate shifts through the flexible working policy so that he is able to be home one permanent day midweek to give me time to myself. He's also taken time off on holiday so I can go away for a weekend with friends.

Honestly gobsmacked at some of these responses but won't dignify them by responding to them. This post should absolutely be on the relationships board.

There is a huge imbalance of power and agency in your relationship OP and I think this is at the root of your resentment (along with the fact that circumstances have forced you to you give up your identity for one you didn't choose, while his has remained largely intact).

If he is too ill to work, he gets to make that call. It would doubtless be very difficult and uncomfortable (as a doctor PP described) but ultimately it his his choice alone and no one can take that away from him. He knows he can set aside the responsibilities of his job if he absolutely cannot face it.

But when you are ill, who gets to decide if you are too sick to manage your responsibilities? He does. You are beholden to his judgement because he is the only person who can stand you down and take over, and he has the power to walk out the door, which is exactly what he did. It's an absolutely awful power dynamic and he urgently needs to understand that you need to feel like you are team players and taking these decisions together.

I agree that a support network/respite options arr helpful up to a point but I'll give you the credit (unlike many PPs) that as the actual parent of your disabled child you are already aware of what is available and affordable and practical and aren't deliberately choosing to martyr yourself. All the respite in the world will not compensate for a partner who is not pulling their emotional weight in parenting and mutual appreciation and support.

I think you need to carve out a better life for yourself OP. Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life for everyone else’s needs. Let’s be honest your DH would never give up his financial independence, doctor status and work in order to swap places with you and make your sandwiches, even if you did earn twice his salary.

Two of my good friends have disabled children and had to give up work to care for them. Their husbands work very long hours and earn well. My friends run the house and children but that doesn’t mean they have given up everything else. One hires a carer part time and the other has a cleaner who is also able to babysit. Could you afford to buy in some support? You could then use the time to work, do some training or go for a swim (or whatever you think would be beneficial for you).

I really feel for you because you sound as if you're absolutely on your knees. As others have said, could you pay for as much help as you can afford? Take care

Reiterating what others have said - he can't take time off, but you NEED it. There needs to be some budget set aside for respite care for you - a nanny 2 days a week or similar. I don't know how much he gets paid (probably not a stellar amount) but it feels like you will fall apart if you don't get SOME external support to make up for what he physically cannot give. What's done is done re. having a second child.

When your older child turns 5, will they be able to attend a special (or mainstream?) school? What is the 5 year plan for them? If your DH is a junior doctor, when does that end? (I genuinely don't know how long the junior doctor phase is.)

If you were to go back to work full time or part time, what would your salary be like? Would it be enough for paid childcare? I don't mean would YOUR salary alone cover it, I mean would your POOLED salaries cover it?

He’s a fucking doctor, I’m sure he can manage to make his own lunch and stick his own laundry in the washer.

You’re worn out but you’re also not setting boundaries. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean he does zero parenting/household chores. You can take the lions share but he still needs to pull his weight and give you a break. If you divorced he’d need to find some time to have his own custody arrangement. I’m pretty sure he can stretch himself to afford you a night off to go out, a few hours to spend on a hobby etc.

Apologise when he returns home, say you know he can’t take time off work last minute, but he does need to give you relief. He gets to leave his stressful workplace and come home to be taken care of. When are you being taken care of? When do you get to leave the home and caring duties behind for a few hours?

If he’s a high earner then you both work and have a nanny/suitable childcare.

and if not that you definitely need some help OP