Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

Oh OP you have had a hard time on here from some posters but I completely hear the burn out and exhuastion. And I completely get what you are saying - you just wanted a moment of recognition, of kindness and compassion before continuing to soldier on. As someone who also soldiers on come what may, I totally get it - I can do it, but occasionally I just want it to be recognised and to have a moment of kindness in return.
But, I am also learning after a hellish couple of years, that me soldiering on and on may have worked for a lot of people around me but it is no longer serving me very well. I'm realising I need to find my voice and say, 'hey, how about a hug, just sit with me for a moment and give me your attention' or 'hey, I need some help here and it is not unreasonable for me to have it' - so source a cleaner, some respite care, whatever you need to help you through these hard yards. It will make your life easier, and all of your lives better💐

Op, also if I go back to my friend, the truth is, it would be absolutely better if she went back to work, and hired a carer, the resentment she feels permeates everything, everything, and it is not going to go away,

she stays at home as she feels she should. That if she didn’t she’d have failed in some way, that she is best placed to care for her child.

the truth is none of these are true, there is no should about it, decisions can be unmade, there is no failure in it, and due to her resentment, the sad fact is she is not best placed to do this 24/7. Her resentment makes her cold and impatient, she’s miserable and there is no hiding it, I am not saying you are the same, but agreeing to stay home, before you know how will you will cope in reality is a decision that can be unmade,

think about what you want, really want. Deep down. Is the decision to stay home still the right one?

This. Excellent advice, I think, @Lampzade.

I suspect in your case, it's all coming to a head. When I was a SAHM, I didn't expect DH to stay at home if I was ill - I'm thinking when I had a vomiting bug that went on for a month, every time I moved I was sick. When I had pneumonia - no way could be stay off for two weeks - he did sort out school pick ups for me as DC were at school then, also double checked if there was anything I personally wanted foodwise etc.

Are his hours irregular? If not, maybe look at getting a part-time job, if only in a shop - it'll get you out. Also, think about a hobby, getting in touch with old colleagues friends for a catch up. You might not be able to go say, every Tuesday, but go when you can, or one you can do at home and factor in with DH an hour's 'me' time for crafts, reading, a walk whatever.

@ragandbonewoman FFS she has a severely disabled child, that’s why she became a stay at home Mum! So yes her life choices were taken away, by necessity not choice. She’s not trying to “have it all” How tone deaf are you?

I'm not 'tone deaf' at all.

There are residential schools for severely disabled children which I'm sure OP could afford on her husband's salary and if she went back to work p/t. She didn't have to be a SAHM - that was her choice.

OP acts as if she has no agency.

Can you get someone to help with the kids a day or two a week? That way you’re supported without your husband having to drop work.

I think you are being unreasonable in the instance given but clearly you need a lot more support than you are getting here.
I think you cannot expect a doctor to not turn up for work because his wife has a cold and feels miserable. However, you can demand that he provide for paid support for you so you get some time off for yourself each week. Whether it be some sport, hobby, shopping, friend meetup, facial or a walk.
I find that the more you do this, the more you will feel like making more time for yourself and the more things will come up that you will be interested in doing. Your life outside the home will grow and this is healthier for you.

Having children with disabilities is relentless and thankless.
Everyone telling you "I don't know how you do it, you're amazing" doesn't do anything for you. You are still living it forever.
It is very difficult to get time together as a couple and if you are doing all the day to day work in the home, it is very difficult for your husband to grasp the reality of how hard and thankless the work you are doing is. Sure you are the mom and your child is disabled, what choice do you have but he is the dad and some of it certainly lands on him too. He is outside the home working as a doctor and gets a lot of respect for that work and social interaction.

You need to ask him for a sit down to find some ways to give you a break every week that you are happy with.

Some of these answers are shockingly ignorant. Sometimes the health of our children and knowing we can provide the best care does force us out of work. It's hardly a choice.

Your situation sounds awful OP. We have similar here but my partners' job is not as high responsibility and I absolutely do ask for help if we're all poorly. However, we are likely far less wealthy!

Why does he work so much? It's all well and good if he's propping up the NHS but perhaps you personally didn't sign up for what comes with that?

I am a carer and I know how hard it is and also how isolating it is being responsible for someone's care 24/7. Given your husband's job I am not sure that he could on this occasion have done much, but it does sound like you need some longer breaks. I would be looking at possible support from family and also if it is an option paid support.

I am sorry OP, you are clearly on your knees and I doubt feeling ill is helping. I think you need to explore all the ways you can get support, either by paying for some extra care during the day so you don’t feel overwhelmed, or someone to cover nights sometimes so you can sleep.

I don’t know where you live obviously, but I do know that there are over 50 childrens hospices in the UK and I know that they offer incredible support to children with complex life limiting illnesses and conditions, they are not just for end of life care. they are about supporting children and families to make the most of their child’s experience, however restricted. They can offer respite often either in the hospice with trained and experienced paediatric and palliative trained nurses, or at home through hospice at home , family support, a shoulder to cry on when it all gets too much, activities for siblings, mums, dads, events for the whole family etc etc. I hope you are already aware of what is available in your area, but if not please don’t dismiss the help they can offer because you are put off by the title hospice.

I doubt he’s got much of a life working 70 hour weeks to support your family, YABU

What the fuck is your problem?

It sounds hard on both of you OP and I can understand the resentment as you feel you have had no control over the direction your life has taken.

Yes he still works, but that was a choice you both made, and a sensible one, as he was the highest/most secure earner.

The answer is not easy, but it is not to let that resentment grow, his life has also taken a direction he would not have chosen, but to be a team and work out what can practically be done to help you that doesn't include him taking time off the work you need him to keep doing to keep your family financially secure.

Yeah see I’m not sure on this, is it really the best care if you’re miserable and resentful? I know with my friend I don’t think it is. there is no way to hide how she feels, it is unmistakeable. And it impacts her dealings with her child. There is no way round it, as it is all consuming.

A carer in the home, whilst she worked during the day, giving her respite, and then the parents caring in the evenings and weekends could perceivably be the best care for her child. And the best for her and her husband.

i think sometimes people think they will be the best care, want to be the best care, but the reality is if you’re fucking miserable and resentful about doing it, then you often are not. A good routine for the children , a carer in the home environment, can be a mid ground that is best for all.

@Barbarana so your solution is she sends her child away? Wow.

Op he sounds absolutely awful.

Some posters on here should be absolutely ashamed of themselves, kicking the FT carer for a disabled child when she's down.

A lot of posts seem to be assuming the family is loaded and there's lots of spare cash - even to the extent of paying for residential care! If the DH is still moving every 6 months he's presumably not a consultant and while it seems he can provide for the family I doubt they're loaded.

I hope you can get through to him OP and work together to find more of a balance. Yes he's working a lot of hours, but you're working 24/7 and that's not sustainable. What happens if you become so ill you can't work? There's no locum to do your job.

I feel it's not this cold but "everything " you have to deal with alone and feel you have no say (such as having children too close to each other, when the elder child is disabled) or simple appreciation for all the heavy-lifting you do. Sitting down with your husband and trying to talk through this maybe the 1st step to untangling the resentment.

I totally understand how you feel. I have two children with additional needs, youngest has severe additional needs.
I am a SAHM too, which I didn't want. I miss work and regular interaction with adults. Can't look in to respite care because DH won't allow it.
There have been times when I've practically begged DH to stay home when I'm ill or have had 3 days of no sleep. He doesn't (and he's not a doctor, not done his job rely on him being there)
Your husband sounds the same. He obviously knew you were ill. Did he at least help with the kids between him getting up and going to work? Give the kids tea or a bath?
I understand he couldn't take time off but it's more than that isn't it? He doesn't do any parenting from the sound of it. He works and progresses his career without giving a thought to everything you are dealing with. Does he at least give you a break when he's on A/L?
If he literally does nothing then you might as we be a single mum. He may not like hearing it but it's the truth so tough.
I would see if you can get any help or respite. You sound on the verge of burn out and then what will he do?

As a fellow mum of a severely disabled child I get this, completely. I think things have come to a head because you are poorly but the real issue is the imbalance between your life having some to a stop in many ways and your husbands carrying on as normal.

He needs to at least see this and up his game at home. You need more time to yourself, maybe even to help you get properly back into the workplace someday. I've seen people do it in our position, although its expensive. Can you look at getting some respite provision? Or can you afford to buy in specialist help to even the load?

He may be working 70 hours a week in a very demanding job, but I get the feeling you are doing a lot more hours than that and caring for a disabled child round the clock is as demanding as it gets, especially when you are under the weather yourself, and its not something that you can continue to do alone for the long term without something breaking. Make sure that something isn't you.

Well if she can't cope what other alternatives does she have?

The child's needs have to be considered as well. It can't be good for the child to be with an exhausted and resentful mother.

There are specialist schools that do daycare as well as residential, some offer part time attendance.
I really don't think OP has thought this through or discussed it with her DH.

Having a disabled/handicapped child is very difficult and sometimes tough choices have to be made.

Having a DH on a good salary puts her in a better position than the "average" person as she has more choices.

I know of couples where the DH did 12 hour shifts in a factory on min/low wage and the wife had to deal with everything because he just wasn't physically present half the time.

IMO the OP doesn't know how lucky she is compared to other mums of disabled children

Rather than him offering, he could at least recognise the effort and sacrifice you are making. You want him to make what his an empty gesture - that's a bit unreasonable - but you are not unreasonable to want him to appreciate everything you are putting in and sacrificing.

Residential Schools that even if they are the answer, and for some they are, but the places can take years to fight for, even when the family need a place for safety reasons, and cost many hundreds of thousands of pounds per year.

I'm sorry OP. If your H had any other job, the posts would be so different.

You deserve a lot more empathy from your husband. I can only imagine how lonely you feel.

Speak up for what you need. You also need a break and some empathy, whether your husband is a doctor or not.

And yes, occasionally even doctors can't come to work when their family needs them.

The replies to your post disgust me.

Please speak to your husband about his attitude. It's all about attitude and empathy. Even if he's working a lot, you need to feel he's on your team, understands your struggles and has empathy for you and sometimes puts his family first !!

He's a doctor. He can't just 'stay home' because you all have colds. It's high-stress job with little leyway to vent that stress. 70 hours a week is fairly normal, too (ex BiL a GP, ditto DC's cousin). You are at home with two DC. Though I deeply disapprove of the silent treatment I can see why he might just not answer your gripe - he's working his socks off in a demanding job so you can look after DC and all you do is whinge.
If you did not want the stress of having a DH in a demanding job you shouldn't have married a doctor.