Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

@cookingthebooks - do you want to let some steam out or do you want to tackle the situation going forward?

You do sound very exhausted. Some posters have already asked or made some suggestions about additional support for child care in order to get you a break. Would this be possible? Do you have the financial means to get some hours of freedom?
Would it be also helpful to talk to some organisations or a therapist in order to figure out how get yourself more balance for yourself. And also talk in a quiet and appropriate moment with your partner on how to structure your life going forward? Shortly before his shift is not a time during which such fundamental issues can be properly tackled.

i think the two of you need to talk about your expectations and how to mover forward with life. Is his workload and commute feasible and doable? Can you move closer to his work? Can you get additional help with the kids? Can he pitch in in his free time? What about you moving every six months, can you look for a more stable job/ positioning so you can set up your tents and child care properly?

theres so much to address than this one conversation.

Op does need to help herself too. Maybe consider respite or residential care? She is not just as a passenger in his life story, there are many options available to her to make things much easier than they are currently.

This sounds hard. Yabu to expect a doctor to miss nightshift because you have got a cold. But yanbu to be feeling burnt out from bring as sahm with a child with high needs and very little support for yourself. I agree with other suggestions - how can you get the support you need to get a break, a nanny or other arrangements so that you can also take time for yourself.

You need to use some of the money for paid help - whether that is a daily or weekly cleaner or a part time Au Pair or a Nanny.

If you decide to walk out and leave the children with him, that is what he would do.

It sounds like he's in his specialist training years then? My husband's registrar rotations were brutal on the whole family, and he will be under immense pressure at work, just a different kind of pressure to you.

It's not easy securing a consultant role, if that's what he's going for. You really have to look at getting some respite care.

You’re supporting him, but he isn’t supporting you.

When you’re feeling a bit better, you need to sit down & talk. How long is he going to be doing such long hours, what support can he give you, or you buy in? Maybe a cleaner or a mother’s helper? Someone to do the ironing?

You’re no good to either of your children if you’re burnt out. And if you can find a mother’s help who can build up to babysitting your disabled son, it will ensure your other child also gets some one-to-one time.
Good luck & don’t apologise to DH you were not in the wrong.

Absolutely you need to pay for some additional respite or support. It's really unfair that your career has been scrapped and I can imagine how resentful you'd feel. But agree that expecting him to offer to stay home from a medical role because you're ill is totally unrealistic.

Sounds like you're stuck in a martyrdom/resentment dynamic. Can you sit with him and talk about how to carve out some free time and enjoyment for you?

Sending sympathy, agree there have been some very harsh responses.
It's not that you wanted him to stay home - I think you just wanted him to recognise and more importantly vocalise how crap it is for you and that ideally you need some help. Even if he'd said 'oh love, I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly. I wish I could stay off and sort the kids so you can go to bed'.
I'm a doctor and I'm assuming based on his rotations he's probably reg level? This bit is absolutely crap and miserable for all concerned. It gets significantly better when you get to consultant level - how many more years is that for him? It's a horrible treadmill for the reg years (I stepped out of training then), but worth him pushing through them as quickly as possible, but I'd be having a conversation with him about him then going part-time as a consultant and you returning to work so you both get a break. His response to that will be telling! Doesn't solve the immediate or short term problem - for that, I agree with others, worth looking at respite, cleaner, etc etc. I appreciate money may well be tight, make sure he is doing all the right things in terms of professional expenses being claimed back on tax. And I would also suggest he talks to the TPD about commute distance given his severely disabled child (although I know that may be v dependent on his speciality and so on).
Hope you're feeling better.

How long until your DC starts school?
Is getting a cleaner and some respite and option? Where are your family? Grandparents? Can they help out?

Your husband can’t stay home from work because you have a cold. You need his job to live on so it important that he keeps hold of it.

I think if you hadn't said what career he was in you would have got other responses - being a doctor seems a trump card here. I've seen any number of times when people expect WOHP in other roles to stay at home/abandon work etc but never doctors...

That said i wouldn't expect someone not to go to (any) work in this situation and i think he was trying to be supportive (i assume he meant its better when he works a night shift generally as i assume there is more chance that you get support when the kids are awake/more chance the kids sleep when you are on your own .
I do think you need to have back up child care though- what happens if you were seriously sick? if you had to go to hospital- either for your self or for one child? most jobs do allow carer leave - i assume his doesn't or if it does he won't take it? leta lone as others say just needing some respite

I think you need to get some paid help in. It is a big moral dilemma for doctors to ring in sick so late notice.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Pay for some help.

@cookingthebooks people are so nasty on AIBU, next time I would post on relationships board. Clearly this isn't about tonight specifically, it's his indifference to your struggles, struggles that he was instrumental in creating by his false promises that if you had another child with a small age gap he would step up and do more.

Even though he couldn't reasonably offer to take the night shift off, he could have been kind and supportive, and offered whatever it is he can offer, at the very least acknowledging and understanding how hard things are for you. Working 70 hours a week is hard. But Caring for a disabled child and a toddler is beyond exhausting, something most people can't even begin to imagine. I think a lot of the replies are ignoring this, and responding as if you chose this path when in fact it was forced on you when your child was born with a disability.

As for this:

"You are being unreasonable and need to get a grip. I feel sorry for the husband"

Shame on you @Octoberdreaming

The pressure he will get from work to be in will be intense. It's always the "push through" mindset. I had an upset stomach last week but still got in the car and started the journey to work, as it's ingrained on us to do so. It's only when I was being sick at the wheel that I decided I'd be putting others at risk that I turned around, but the anxiety before making that call into work was intense.

If your husband talks about his home life at work, they will know there is a SAHM, and therefore sadly the expectation will fall on you to pick up the slack. My employer knew my elderly Nan lived next door to the nursery (I must have mentioned it), so whenever the nursery called she would just presume my Nan would go collect MY poorly child. It's just the way it is.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but be understanding of the pressure he is getting too.

Majority of drs who work that far away from home stay in accommodation close by the work place, so you’re lucky your partner comes home every day!

I haven't RTFT but you chose to marry a doctor.
Then you chose to have 2 children with him. (I don't know if the disabled child came first?)

Some women like to marry doctors for status and money. You'll get that OK but the downside is that you'll basically be living like a single parent for quite a while.
Once they get into consultant positions they have more money and more time, but that can be 10 years after qualifying.

However, we are where we are now, so surely he/you know of suitable agencies that can provide support for you?

I'm really amazed that your DH seems to be getting so much support on the thread by virtue of his job. I wonder if you'd said he was a solicitor if the responses would different. I think they would.
Op you need somehow to carve out time for you to decompress . Look into respite care, get a cleaner etc. Are there any local groups you could join to make local friends. I hope things get better for you; it sounds incredibly hard x

The issue here seems to be that you don’t have a support network - your DH has no choice but to work (and as a doctor there is even less scope to take compassionate/parental leave at short notice due to family illness). I think you know this because you wanted him to make a gesture (I wish I could stay home to help; or shall I call in sick etc) and it’s the lack of this that you seem to really be upset about?

I’m the mum of two SEN DC, and none of our family are local or (in the case of mine) in anyway helpful/supportive/available. We’ve had to muddle through as a couple for 20 years with no one on hand, other than - fortunately - one or two female friends who were amazing when I had major surgery and my DH had to go overseas for work. It’s lonely, soul destroying and heartbreakingly disappointing to find yourself unsupported with challenging children, so I get this. My DH has confessed in recent years it killed him to leave, but he felt he had no choice. He was the only source of income and without his job we’d have been homeless and the kids would have suffered. He learned to compartmentalise as he had to be 100% focused on his job when he got there - there was no psychological and emotional scope to be distracted and worried about us all day. He had to trust that the mother of his kids would power through.

There was a stage when the feeling that he did not care, the [unfounded] suspicion that he was relieved to bugger off to work and that I was totally alone (especially when ill, which was regular once they started school) threatened to end our marriage. We are still here though, because we communicated and listened (and cried a lot).

I would let yourself and the kids recover from this bout of illness and then try to build a support network. The National Carers Association has meet ups, coffee morning and people who can come and help, so may be a good place to start? Depending on the disability of your child, there may also be a specific organisation who can offer support. I would also speak to your GP and health visitor about support for carers, respite care options so that you can occasionally have a day or so to yourself. And I think you and your husband need to have a conversation to clear the air as I suspect you have been so wrapped up in work/kids/the daily grind that you may have forgotten why you are together in amongst all that?

It is as doctors have a responsibility in terms of the hours they work. And just not turning up as your wife has the cold is not an option normally. Another doctor needs to be found. So most will avoid taking unexpected time off where possible. I’m surprised you don’t know this.

I’m fairly sure if your operation or appt was cancelled as the doc stayed home as his wife had the cold, you’d be saying something different.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting help but I think you’re being unrealistic about how that help comes.

Considering he’s a doctor I’ll assume you’re in a good financial position - is hiring additional help not an option? You need a break.

Can you look into getting some help at home? Your child is at the very least entitled to a care assessment with a view to considering, amongst other possibilities, short breaks and respite care. Or could you employ a nanny part time? You may well feel a lot better if you can get back to work.

Motherhood with a severely disabled child is very different. It's a 24 hour job with no break and no light at the end of the tunnel. OP isn't a SAHM through choice but necessity.

Obviously her DH has an extremely responsible job, but seems to lack any empathy for OP's situation.

It isn't about his Career being important though OP, it's about the impact on many other people's health and wellbeing if he's off. It's like no other job really in that respect.
It sounds like you've sacrificed a great deal, but it's hard that the understandably negative emotions you feel are channeled at him....could you bring in some carers at all so you can have some respite? Compassionately you must be so burnt out as anyone would be in your situation.
You can feel the visceral bitterness in the comments around 'he didn't offer' to give up his career etc and that really screams how exhausted and unhappy you are in this situation. However loosing this marriage could make things even harder for you all,
I feel like urgent change is needed so that that doesn't happen to you and you don't loose yourself yet further in all this pain.

@cookingthebooks - you wrote "I think you’re all right, I’m worn down, lonely and a bit miserable on top of being unwell and he's just being practical but it feels like he doesn’t care. I’ll apologise when he gets home."

Do NOT apologise to someone who is clearly not carrying even the smallest of loads of the domestic workload.

I speak as the adult child of someone who to anyone outside our family would have thought we had the perfect father. He would do absolutely anything for anyone outside of our family but if one of us needed something we had to justify it to him. He would pay for things for people outside the family and appearances to him were everything and it was all a veneer.

Your DH went out to work when he could clearly see that you are exhausted and you're doing 100% of the childcare.

Has he ever done his own laundry?
Has he ever looked after the children, on his own for a complete day to give you a break?
Does he do any of the household chores?

I think your next steps will be dependent on how you answer these questions.

I never ask him to be off I push through and I’m very dedicated to his career.

This is your problem in a nutshell. No long term strategy and poor communication skills.

You’ve both jumped into the role of you being the SAHM and him pursuing his career without properly discussing the longer term implications for either of you.

You need a plan!

Stop behaving like a 50’s housewife hoping your DH will notice all your efforts and reward you with a bunch of flowers occasionally and actually make time to think about what you actually want and need from him and then discuss your situation together like grown adults and preferably when the children are not around.

He needs clear guidance rather than vague hints because any changes you need him to make will likely impact on his options too. It’s important to find a way forward that you can both accept rather than one partner feeling constantly overwhelmed and undervalued.