Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

I think maybe you’re very tired, unwell and resentful of your situation, I also suspect you know he can’t just not go to work as he is a doctor, but it doesn’t make it less hard for you,

can you look into respite care? I think you’re taking it out on your husband, when it is the wider situation that’s the issue, you need a break, could you look to hire a carer many once a week so you can go off and have some time for yourself?

What was your career, pre-children?

Your husband not going in to work when you all have heavy colds is clearly not an option. You’re going to burn yourself out if you don’t get any respite, though.

Is returning to work on a part time basis and paying a qualified carer to be with your son for part of the week a possibility. Would that help you?

if not, will your husband’s salary cover a carer for your disabled child overnight once or twice each week so that you can sleep?

Why does he keep moving?

How old are the kids? Are they nearing school age?

You clearly have a lot of resentment (a normal feeling when life doesn't work out how you expect). Have you got any therapy support?

He is also feeling the pressure of earning enough and keeping his job. Without that, your life would be very different.

I think this incident yabu. Overall it sounds like you need to talk to your H and come up with a more sustainable life plan.

I think you’re all right, I’m worn down, lonely and a bit miserable on top of being unwell and he's just being practical but it feels like he doesn’t care. I’ll apologise when he gets home.

Im a good wife. My entire life is him and the kids I wash his clothes, organise his life and even make his lunches I run him a hotel service and I go over and above to show I care so I know he isn’t getting an awful deal on me on the whole. Other dad friends we know seem shocked he gets the deal he does .

You seem to be saying you want him to offer to stay home when you are ill but know he won’t (he can’t really, can he?). You wouldn’t want him to. You just want him to say the words. That comes across as rather daft, but you’re ill and tired so daft is excusable.

Given your own work load you must be permanently on the brink of exhaustion and run down. Do you think maybe you’d actually like him to acknowledge that and say he wished things were different and that he could stay at home to cover your load while you recover?

I ask because my first thought was that he is in a position to make things different. As he is such a high earner and given the extraordinary needs of one of your children, perhaps he should be paying for you to have some support. If he was prepared to do that things would be very different for you. You’d still be in the catch 22 situation that to have the money he provides he needs to be absent and not much practical help or emotional support, but you would be under much less pressure.

Sorry it took me a while to type that and things moved on while I did

@cookingthebooks he is a doctor at the beginning of his career, I presume? I presume this because he is still being moved from hosp to hosp! he has to turn up for work or be tarred with the "off sick" label!! it isnt so easy for docs to take sick time. there are no stand ins!

I’d be cutting back some of this and taking that time for you! Important job or not he should be doing his fair share of the parenting/house when he’s not at work. For a doctor working 70 hours this may not be 50% but he doesn’t get to opt out. While ever you enable it things won’t change though. I can be guilty of this on a smaller scale and the resentment builds up and ends up in an argument.

OP you sound knackered and resentful and I totally get it. Just something I picked up on here about other Dad friends seeming shocked by how much you do. My DH does a lot round the house (he didn't when I was a sahm but he does now I'm teaching again.) However, sometimes the banging and sighing and resentment when he's doing it means I would rather do it myself. Nobody likes the shit work of household tasks and the difficult bits of parenting (of which there are many, I know) You are doing more than your share. But to be fair to your husband, so is he.

Is there any way you can pay for a cleaner or home help for a few hours a week? A respite carer for your DS? This might allow you a few precious hours to yourself.

I think people have been a bit harsh here. Why on earth is he doing 70 hours a week . That is more than a maximum contract . He is choosing to work this much and while he is earning it doesn’t give OP any help with a disabled child.

I’m a doctor and I think attitudes have changed somewhat- we all have families and families come first even above patients . No one is indispensable . Locum cover would be found if DH. Emergency carers leave is the same. If OP is sick and exhausted then she cannot be up all night with a disabled child.

Due to the commute he is out of the house 70 hours a week.

Stop being a ‘good wife’ and start living a life that has something for you.

Of course you are worn down, feel neglected. Feel resentful. Anyone would feel that way,

A proper plan so you can start to be you again is the only way forward.

Op I say this gently, but you are not a martyr and don’t become one. You won’t get any gold stars for flogging yourself half to death and sacrificing your entire life like this.

A cleaner and a part time carer could transform your life. Have you considered doing this? And if not, why not?

You are going to become bitter, resentful and horrible company before long op and then your marriage will fail as well. So please do this for you, do it for your family and stop doing everything. You are one person. And your health and happiness matters as well.

This sounds like he's still training. Is that the case? Things will get easier if so.

Do you have anything out of the house that is for you? Even if it’s just an hour for a coffee and some head space.

I think that Op has had some harsh responses .Op is exhausted , lonely and probably under appreciated
It is difficult to look after children without disabilities let alone a severely disabled child .
I am sure Op appreciates the fact that her dh is doing an important job and is providing for the family. However, let us not forget that Op has sacrificed her career and hobbies to look after the children . Op is doing an important job too
I am going to be honest, personally I think working a seventy hour week is preferable to staying at home and raising two young children one of who is severely disabled .
Dh!s life ( though stressful) has not changed.
Op’s life has changed completely , yet she is being told that she should basically put up with it because her dh is a great provider
Op, you need a break . This could mean hiring someone to come and take care of the kids once a week . Obviously it would be someone who has experience of working with disabled children .
If you fall sick due to stress , your dh wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does .
Both of you need to talk

I don’t want to put a dampener on how you feel. I have poor health and looking after myself let alone my dd was a big struggle when she was young. I also resented my dh a lot. However, I can also see it from your dh’s POV. He’s providing well and driving 3 hours a day. He must be shattered as well. It’s understandable he’s not doing much. I think respite care or carers to take the stress off is the way forward. I imagine you get DLA and possibly carer’s allowance. Idk how it works for dependent children.

Don't apologise, explain.

What's your gut feeling? Does he appreciate how difficult your life is and how trapped you feel? Is he rushing home at the end of a shift or eking out every last minute out of the house?

You say he's moving every six months, does that mean he's still training? Is there a point in the near future where that will ease?

Definitely stop with the making his lunches stuff. Take that time for yourself, even if it's just to stare into the void for a minute over the washing up. He can make his own lunch and do his own laundry.

Do you get any respite at all, from anyone?

Couldn’t have said better than this

I do have some sympathy with you op, when I was a SAHM I did find it difficult that however sick I was I could never have a day off and just go to bed while of course DH could take a sick day from work and spend it in bed.

I would never have expected him to take a day off work though, I just came to view it as one of the negatives of being a SAHM but it was outweighed by the many positives.

I've been up all night with my two so I truly sympathise, but you said yourself you would have told him to go in anyway so would have been pointless him "offering" and you both know it.
I personally would invest every bit of spare family money in whatever it takes to make your life easier. Cleaner and any other paid help. You said you're going above and beyond to make nice lunches for him- stop that. Not out of spite but because you need to conserve your energy. It won't hurt him to grab a meal deal at work or en route now and then.
Let this be a wake up call for you both- this was just a cold and you feel rotten enough. Explain that the way you are carrying on you risk burning yourself out and making yourself seriously ill so he needs to be on board with paid help for the household x

As he moves every 6 months anyway why don't you move to somewhere you'll have a bit of support from friends/family etc.

Because they dont get a choice where he moves to

You are marri3e to a doctor, OP - of course his career comes first! What else did you expect?
How is "offering" to do something that he physically and practically can't do going to be of any use?
Start exploring getting some additional support with your disabled child (paid or voluntary) and let your poor husband do his job.

This.

I was raised that one doesn't miss work except for dire circumstances. My father never called off work until he had heart surgery at age 60. Not once.

I agree that in this case he couldn't stay home. But I suspect it's the old story that for women doctors their children come first and for men doctors their work comes first.