AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

[Teenypenguins]

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

I understand your anger, but you’re only punishing your own children further by removing their grandmother entirely from their lives, and driving a wedge between them and their half-siblings, and between you and your DSC. I assume she’s trying, in a misguided way, to make up for the fact that while your children live with both their parents, your DSC have only ‘sporadic’ contact with their mother, which must be difficult for them…?

I’d not accept someone treating my children so differently, and to be as blatant as to discuss it with them directly and compare them in that way is just appalling. She sounds awful. You will need your husband to be 100% on board too though, or you’ll be fighting a losing battle! Wait until he is better then discuss it again.

Why are you bothering to message her? She won’t care, she’s made that very clear and you can’t make her. I’d withdraw now, leave her son to deal with her. Hopefully you can trust him to do the right thing. If you keep getting involved this will ultimately drive a wedge between you and your step children who obviously love their grandma. Tell your kids that grandma is silly and make it clear she’s not to be taken seriously. Personally I wouldn’t bother taking my children to see her and if you do, step in when you see your child trying to engage with her. Children will pick up the vibe from you. Being furious and shaking with anger will only stress your children out. Show them it’s not something to be bothered about.

I’d remove myself from the situation. Leave it to DH and the kids. They are old enough now to facilitate their own relationship with her, and will soon lose interest in spending time with her.

Your DC will be more interesting to her when they can do more visits alone, go shopping etc.

Just wait. It will pass.

I wouldn’t message her, I wouldn’t have any contact with her ever again.

Cut her off. You will need DP onside though. I wouldn’t want DSC to see her either, but given their ages that might be impossible.

Was she not giving your children money because they were too young and she didn't think they would understand it or it was appropriate?

Is the DSC mum around, is she trying to compensate for that?

I think you have every right to be furious.

Could a third way be to tell your MIL firmly and directly, that if she can't bring herself to treat her GC equally, then the ( gifts, money etc) to her elder GC should be restricted to her home and not yours. You could also put in a caveat that anything brought to your home will be distributed equally between all the DGC. Tell her you are raising all the children to appreciate the value of sharing things.

So do the DSC have any input from any other family members? Other grandparents? Or is it basically you, your DH and your MIL? She could be mistakenly trying to make up for this. And if your DC are much younger than the DSC then they might not - in her view, 'need' as much.

But she is misguided. Your DH (not you) needs to have a word, as the DC being left out are ALSO his children. I'd wait for a while, and not cut off your nose to spite your face, let your DH intervene and point out the disparity in spending and time and see what happens.

So you’d deprive children who have only ‘sporadic’ contact with a non-resident mother, presumably for sad reasons, of a relationship with their grandmother too? What a vicious post.

I doubt it, they’re teenagers.

But yes, that kind of malicious triangulation and manipulation is really damaging to children and I would do what I could to protect my DC and DSC from it.

Hardly vicious 😂

Don't panic about the impact of all this on your young DC. Bide your time. No permanent harm will come of this at this point.

By the time your DC are 10/11/12yo, they will be openly asking you why they're treated differently. It's at that point that you tell them (well, I told mine but about a different context) the truth, in an age appropriate way. In my case, I said "well, MIL is a person too, a grown person who has lived a life 5 times longer than yours. She has her own history and her own influences and she acts accordingly, just like we all do. This is what she's choosing to do in this situation. It's nor personal to you, per se. If [Lottie, one of my DC's friend at school] were my daughter instead of you, MIL would be doing exactly the same thing. That's just how she sees things. We don't like it, and you're free not to like it either although we do expect and require you to be respectful to your grandmother at all times. That's not the same as rolling over and taking it, it's learning how to disagree politely - it's a skill you'll need a lot as an adult". (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist.)

We've had variations of this conversation over the years, with one DC more than the other. It's been a really, really excellent way for my DC to learn how to disagree respectfully, and to separate the "grandmother" element from the woman she is.

Do your parents and family treat all the children the same?

I think this is key. If the step children are missing out from their own mother and grandparents then MIL may well be trying to make up the shortfall.

Oh I couldn’t be arsed with that. I’d tell her to get fucked.
If she wants to take the dsc out and get them new things without including yours then I’d tell them they need to stay at her home.
my DC grandparents treat them differently to other GC they notice but we’ve never made a fuss. They just kind of realise their GP don’t give much of a fuck.
Now their GM is older and wants their company, for them to have lunch etc as she is old widowed and bored and my kids aren’t interested. You reap what you sow

There’s always the option of discussing why she treats the children differently.

You think teenagers are somehow magically unharmed by only sporadic contact with their mother? And that the best way to deal with this is to attempt to forbid contact between them and their grandmother too because she spoils them, presumably in a clumsy attempt to make up for whatever the situation is with their mother?

Yes, that is a vicious response to some children who seem semi-motherless despite having a living mother.

I'd be far more concerned about her attempts to drive a wedge between your DSC and you/their half siblings than her blatant favouritism. FIL favours DS. DS knows this. FIL is mostly fairly subtle about it and certainly, so far, there have been no issues that i can see with DD or with other cousins as a result. I have made it clear that I do not like that FIL says this to DS and also to DS that conversations he has with his grandfather are not to be shared with his sister or cousins. I have also introduced the concept of him and his grandfather having specific things in common (which they do) which makes them naturally closer but that does nto mean that FIL does nto love DD or his other grandchildren very very much (he does). DS understands that completely, even at only 14.

Favoritism like that from a grandparent is brutal on all the kids involved. Time to set family rules with her and if she can't treat her grandkids equally, she's going to have to have the consequences of not seeing any of them.

Do you (as a couple) buy more things like clothes, bedding etc, or do more days out for your children, than your stepchildren?

DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

You might not like it, but they are not all her grandchildren. You might think it's unfair, but your biological children are not related to her. She has known them longer, she will have formed a bond with them years before you and your children came into her life. It's perfectly normal to think of them differently. It's part of the risks of blending families. Your own children will have another set of grandparents that are in the same situation. Do they treat all children exactly the same?

They are al her Grandchildren, the OPs DC are half siblings to her DSC.

I wouldn't message her OP, leave it all for your DH, but definitely go no contact with her.