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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

169 replies

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 14:28

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

OP posts:
CobraChicken · 04/02/2025 19:09

@LBFseBrom "All the 'thems' and 'theys' ! You've certainly bought into the zeitgist."

I think your comment about "zeitgist" [sic] means you've also missed the fact that the OP is referring to plural step children and shared children. They have two of each. Using they/them when referring to multiple people isn't preferred pronoun related...

hettie · 04/02/2025 19:10

When your dh is better he needs to have a calm in person conversation to find out why she sees the Dc differently. What's behind this? Otherwise everyone is guessing and so solutions won't work.

StormingNorman · 04/02/2025 19:10

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 15:36

For those asking if she is trying to compensate and what other family members are involved - DSC see their grandfather regularly (he is separated from MIL), they don't see family on their mum's side regularly but have seen them on occasion. I realise that this is shit for them, but I don't think making it very obvious that they are favoured over DC helps DSC with this, it doesn't make up for their mum not being around for them the way that she should be. DC are young but old enough to have says out and overnights, they have days out with my own parents thankfully. However my own parents will also take DSC on those days out and treat them as their own DGC, they wouldn't ever bring over a treat or gift for my DC without also getting something for DSC.

I wouldn't want DSC not to see her because I realise that they need that relationship but I want to make sure that the situation doesn't continue to impact DC negatively because that's not fair.

Someone posted about her creating a wedge and she is absolutely doing this, prior to her starting to say this stuff she was saying to DSC, "How was dinner? Were you having to wait hours for DC to finish?" The tone was really negative and this has come from me now asking DSC to wait at the table until everyone has finished because they used to just get up and leave once done. When DC were younger I didn't mind because they could take quite a bit longer to finish but now DC are just as fast as them and I think it's just good manners for them to learn, particularly when it's generally now only a few minutes extra at most. We sit and chat so it's just nice and then we clear the table together but she is trying to make out like it's something negative and DSC are waiting for ages and ages for DC to finish which just isn't the case.

Could it be that your MIL doesn’t particularly like you and it’s showing in how she treats your DC?

Sorry - it’s not a nice question to ask and I couldn’t think how to phrase it more delicately x

CobraChicken · 04/02/2025 19:11

andthat · 04/02/2025 19:02

Did you miss the bit where grandma is actually telling her grandson that she doesn’t love OP’s child in the same way?

She absolutely should not be telling them that, it’s a toxic thing to do.

Show quote history

This ^

Utterly horrible thing to say. The MIL is a vicious bitch. Even if she feels that way, she should never voice it or show it to the children.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 04/02/2025 19:12

I voted you are being unreasonable, but only for sending the message now, not for how you feel. I think it needs to be a joint message from both of you, setting expectations. And that there will be a break in communications of however long you need before you are willing to consider contact again.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/02/2025 19:16

Not being married changes things. She's not your mil and you're not actually their step mother (even though I'm sure you are in practice). I'm wondering if she doesn't see you as a step mother so she thinks that the step children have no mother so she's filling the gap. Maybe she thinks that you couldn't possibly treat the older two as though they're your own.

Original poster
Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 19:25

SheridansPortSalut · 04/02/2025 19:16

Not being married changes things. She's not your mil and you're not actually their step mother (even though I'm sure you are in practice). I'm wondering if she doesn't see you as a step mother so she thinks that the step children have no mother so she's filling the gap. Maybe she thinks that you couldn't possibly treat the older two as though they're your own.

Maybe but I would disagree that not being married means that I'm not a step-mother. I am raising them with DP, for the younger DSC who still likes company at bedtime, I do bedtimes and stories, I do homework, school shows and assemblies, parents evenings, take them to clubs, cook, clean, cuddles, I do all the same parenting stuff that I do my own DC. I have taken them away on trips countless times on my own without DP because he's been working. Recently youngest DSC told a friend that he was lucky because has 2 mums, his mum mum and his stepmum.

I get your point though that she might see it differently because we're not married but I doubt this in her case as she isn't someone who places any value on marriage and was never married herself.

OP posts:
DevilledEgg · 04/02/2025 19:42

Have you discussed with the teenagers how it makes their sibling feel? Tbh I think that's your best shot. Not in a negative way though. In an empowering way. Perhaps next time she buys them something they can say "so what are we getting for Alice, I don't want her feeling left out" etc. I imagine she'll do it if it's coming from them

ZekeZeke · 04/02/2025 20:01

How old are your children OP?

DeepFatFried · 04/02/2025 20:05

SheridansPortSalut · 04/02/2025 19:16

Not being married changes things. She's not your mil and you're not actually their step mother (even though I'm sure you are in practice). I'm wondering if she doesn't see you as a step mother so she thinks that the step children have no mother so she's filling the gap. Maybe she thinks that you couldn't possibly treat the older two as though they're your own.

Of course the OP is step mum.

Mothers can be mothers without being married, and can be step mothers without being married. Children and adults talk of foster mothers … Of course the OP is step mum. It is a function, a role. As you say ‘in practice’.

hot2trotter · 04/02/2025 20:28

Cut the spiteful cow off. I did exactly the same with mine after putting up with the favouritism for years. I told her exactly what I thought of her and went NC - it's been nearly two years and I don't regret a thing!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/02/2025 20:55

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:32

I understand your anger, but you’re only punishing your own children further by removing their grandmother entirely from their lives, and driving a wedge between them and their half-siblings, and between you and your DSC. I assume she’s trying, in a misguided way, to make up for the fact that while your children live with both their parents, your DSC have only ‘sporadic’ contact with their mother, which must be difficult for them…?

I disagree, the other children are her grandkids as well so you can't argue that she should be allowed to exclude them to maintain her relationship with her preferred grandchildren.

And at what expense? Creating a rift and issue between the set of siblings?

I might see your point a little of the other 2 kids were not her real grandparents and OPs kids form another relationship but that's not the case they are her sons kids as well. And for her to go as far as tell the older grandchild that she prefers them over the other grandchildren is very very wrong and unforgivable.

stayathomer · 04/02/2025 20:56

Do you not think it’s more an age thing? Everyone I know says gps favour the older ones- chat to them more, but them more, it’s because they can have proper conversations with them etc

Shelby2010 · 04/02/2025 22:45

I think it’s just as damaging for the DSC. It sounds like you (& your family) are doing your best to make them feel safe & included. She is ‘othering’ them & effectively telling them that you and DC aren’t their family. She really isn’t doing them any favours & I would definitely limit her time with them.

whynotwhatknot · 05/02/2025 00:03

are posters missing the part where she says she doesnt love them the same way!

it cant go on op it will destroy the siblings relationships

Ariana12 · 05/02/2025 18:17

In your shoes I'd get my DP on side and have a shot at being the bigger person. Speak to her together with your DP and tell her how important it is for you to blend your family successfully. Since your children are also ALL her grandchildren, tell her you want and expect her to respect your wishes and to help.There's no reason why she can't show love towards the DSC and also to your DCs. Explain that you and your DP won't put up with anyone driving a wedge between your children - both DSC and DCs. They come first.

OliveOil2 · 05/02/2025 18:25

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 18:39

I actually had a light bulb moment where I realised this except I don't think it's just my mum, I think she is jealous of my family in general. I have a large, really close family and we do loads together, including my extended family, my DSC are always included in this and I wonder if she somehow sees this as a threat. My family are the type that welcome anyone, we've had so many Christmas dinners where random friends or workmates who would otherwise have been alone on Christmas are there; MIL has been invited to many things my family have done but she has always turned it down. My family see far more of all the kids than hers do and my parents see more of them all than she does. MIL has always told me that she practically raises my oldest DSC and she looked after him all the time but DP tells me that this isn't true. I wonder if my family being so involved with DSC and including them so much is something that she sees a threat to her granny position but also the image she likes to maintain that she is the only one who has ever done anything for DSC, instead of seeing it as a positive that they have more people who care for them.

Show quote history

This sounds like you're on the right track here.

Bugbabe1970 · 05/02/2025 18:59

KrisAkabusi · 04/02/2025 15:28

DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

You might not like it, but they are not all her grandchildren. You might think it's unfair, but your biological children are not related to her. She has known them longer, she will have formed a bond with them years before you and your children came into her life. It's perfectly normal to think of them differently. It's part of the risks of blending families. Your own children will have another set of grandparents that are in the same situation. Do they treat all children exactly the same?

Yes they are all her grandchildren 🤔

Hwi · 05/02/2025 19:01

When will people overall understand that nobody is obligated to treat them equally? My grandparents did not treat us, their only grandchildren (no blended families, no over-compensating for absent mother) equally. They did not. They had favourites and those they tolerated. The entitlement on this thread is mind-blowing. No grandparent is obligated to love all of his gc equally. And if MN users were more honest, they would acknowledge, at least to themselves, that they themselves have their favourite biological children and least favourite biological children, never mind blended families.

DPotter · 05/02/2025 19:07

I'm sorry for your experience Hwi but is one twist of logic I can't support.

No one is asking anyone to change how they feel about their individual grandchildren, and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience, but yes parents, grandparents are expected to treat their children and grandchildren fairly and equitably. Not to so do sends ripples of resentment out through the family with negative impacts for the individual and the family group.

I'm making assumptions, yes, but I think you will find that you are the one out of step in this instance.

asrl78 · 05/02/2025 19:10

Hwi · 05/02/2025 19:01

When will people overall understand that nobody is obligated to treat them equally? My grandparents did not treat us, their only grandchildren (no blended families, no over-compensating for absent mother) equally. They did not. They had favourites and those they tolerated. The entitlement on this thread is mind-blowing. No grandparent is obligated to love all of his gc equally. And if MN users were more honest, they would acknowledge, at least to themselves, that they themselves have their favourite biological children and least favourite biological children, never mind blended families.

There is not treating them equally, and there is having such a massive bias that it is obvious even to the children concerned that this doesn't feel normal and it is causing friction/upset within the family. Just because you can doesn't mean you should, and just because you don't have too, doesn't mean you shouldn't. The letter of the law is not a tool for trying to trivialise or even justify potentially toxic behaviour.

GiuliaTofana · 05/02/2025 20:46

My exh's mother did very similar with his children who had nc with their mother. ExMiL hated me because she felt pushed out because she wanted to be DSC mother and constantly overstepped as a grandmother. Xh would say no, they'd call mil for a yes, but she had no attachment to our dc because they didn't need her. They had a mother.
I will say that it fucked my dsc up as adults, her behaviour, because they it destroyed any healthy and normal relationships they had because they felt so entitled to whatever they wanted and couldn't accept no or boundaries. Its a Shame because without her endless interference they were terrific kids. I will say I fully blame XH for literally handing her his children to raise and only bothering with them when he had a wife on the scene to do the work he was leaving to his mother. She was just scared of being replaced so fought with spoiling them rotten to not be replaced.
My DC wasn't scarred by his grandmother's lack of interest in him, he just feels awkward when his siblings discuss her as some Saint when he can clearly remember her barely talking to him. One day she arrived home with football shirts for xh and dsc and my poor dc wasn't given one which at the time upset him. But I'm his mum and I was able to provide one for him without any bother.

OhcantthInkofaname · 05/02/2025 21:08

@KrisAkabusi The children ARE all her grands. They do have the same father! Not sure how you got that wrong.

midnights92 · 05/02/2025 21:48

Don't send the message, your words over the phone can't be beaten. When your husband is feeling better he can tackle it with her. Right now there's nothing you can say that is better than leaving her to stew, whereas sending an angry message leaves her with a sense of moral high ground because she's not the one sending nasty messages she can show her friends to make herself believe you're the unreasonable one.

BajaBaja · 05/02/2025 22:02

I’d go no contact. She sounds awful and very unkind. You have no obligation to ever speak to her.

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