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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

169 replies

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 14:28

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:44

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:32

I understand your anger, but you’re only punishing your own children further by removing their grandmother entirely from their lives, and driving a wedge between them and their half-siblings, and between you and your DSC. I assume she’s trying, in a misguided way, to make up for the fact that while your children live with both their parents, your DSC have only ‘sporadic’ contact with their mother, which must be difficult for them…?

Why would you not remove someone who doesn't bother with your children and shows overt favouritism?

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:45

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:44

So you’d deprive children who have only ‘sporadic’ contact with a non-resident mother, presumably for sad reasons, of a relationship with their grandmother too? What a vicious post.

Show quote history

Grandmothers are not necessary. They are a welcome bonus if they are kind, loving people

This woman is not

(And I'm a GP)

FranticHare · 04/02/2025 16:46

However you move forwards, something has to change. Its horrid that your DSC's mother is not particularly in their lives, but that cannot be fixed by their own GM playing favourite's and dividing them from their half siblings.

I think I would start with a sit down once your OH is well enough, and spell out to her the damage she is doing to your integrated family unit of 6. If she ignores, then I would drastically reduce the amount of time she spends with them.

I would also be concerned what she is talking to DSC about on their mobiles in private - it sounds very harsh to block her number, but if she keeps trying to split the family up with her words then something has to give

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:46

Onlyonekenobe · 04/02/2025 14:53

Don't panic about the impact of all this on your young DC. Bide your time. No permanent harm will come of this at this point.

By the time your DC are 10/11/12yo, they will be openly asking you why they're treated differently. It's at that point that you tell them (well, I told mine but about a different context) the truth, in an age appropriate way. In my case, I said "well, MIL is a person too, a grown person who has lived a life 5 times longer than yours. She has her own history and her own influences and she acts accordingly, just like we all do. This is what she's choosing to do in this situation. It's nor personal to you, per se. If [Lottie, one of my DC's friend at school] were my daughter instead of you, MIL would be doing exactly the same thing. That's just how she sees things. We don't like it, and you're free not to like it either although we do expect and require you to be respectful to your grandmother at all times. That's not the same as rolling over and taking it, it's learning how to disagree politely - it's a skill you'll need a lot as an adult". (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist.)

We've had variations of this conversation over the years, with one DC more than the other. It's been a really, really excellent way for my DC to learn how to disagree respectfully, and to separate the "grandmother" element from the woman she is.

The grandmother isn't showing the children any respect at all

I profoundly disagree with you

eatreadsleeprepeat · 04/02/2025 16:47

RudbekiasAreSun · 04/02/2025 16:39

well, they know they have a mum and their mum is separated from their dad who lives now with a strange woman - do you think their view will not be skewed due to very normal and explainable circumstances

Show quote history

I was more interested in whether they are of an age and nature to have noticed what is going on, if this concerns them, if they have ever expressed a worry about the younger children being treated unfairly. As much as the difference in the time and money being spent being unfair MIL is obviously also stirring things up by negative comments, phone calls etc. For young people who have already suffered upheaval the mind games are potentially damaging.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:48

KrisAkabusi · 04/02/2025 15:28

DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

You might not like it, but they are not all her grandchildren. You might think it's unfair, but your biological children are not related to her. She has known them longer, she will have formed a bond with them years before you and your children came into her life. It's perfectly normal to think of them differently. It's part of the risks of blending families. Your own children will have another set of grandparents that are in the same situation. Do they treat all children exactly the same?

They are related!!

First bloody line of the OP: 2 shared DC with my DP

FranticHare · 04/02/2025 16:51

eatreadsleeprepeat · 04/02/2025 16:47

I was more interested in whether they are of an age and nature to have noticed what is going on, if this concerns them, if they have ever expressed a worry about the younger children being treated unfairly. As much as the difference in the time and money being spent being unfair MIL is obviously also stirring things up by negative comments, phone calls etc. For young people who have already suffered upheaval the mind games are potentially damaging.

Show quote history

If one of them rings GM each time they get told off, they know exactly what is going on, and using it to their advantage! That is not a criticism of the DSC - they are young and working out the world around them. GM is not helping at all, and encouraging this split in a family who (by the sounds of it) are doing their very best to be fully blended. GM should be supporting this blending, not actively trying to undermine it.

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 16:52

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:45

Grandmothers are not necessary. They are a welcome bonus if they are kind, loving people

This woman is not

(And I'm a GP)

Show quote history

I think in a situation where they have an apathetic mother AND have to share their remaining parent with a new wife and siblings. Their DGMs individual attention is probably quite necessary.

there is a competition for affection between siblings which will be even more
keenly felt for DSC and as DC get older competition for DSM as well. Whether it’s seen or not.

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 16:53

DH needs to pull her up on the behaviour and the comments, especially on undermining the parenting in your house.

Original poster
Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 16:57

RudbekiasAreSun · 04/02/2025 16:41

I wonder what blended families and step parents expect to happen in such cases. Like you took their dad and now what? You probably will get all the husbands inheritance also and his first wife kids might get nothing from him if he dies before you. Where is the fairness here also

You're making a big assumption there, we're not married yet (planning wedding) and it has been me to have made sure that DP is putting legal assurances in place to protect DSCs' inheritance should anything happen to him because I agree that it shouldn't all go to me.
You have also made the assumption that she liked his ex, MIL couldn't stand her.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 17:04

KrisAkabusi · 04/02/2025 15:28

DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

You might not like it, but they are not all her grandchildren. You might think it's unfair, but your biological children are not related to her. She has known them longer, she will have formed a bond with them years before you and your children came into her life. It's perfectly normal to think of them differently. It's part of the risks of blending families. Your own children will have another set of grandparents that are in the same situation. Do they treat all children exactly the same?

They are all DH's children so they are all OP's MIL's biological grandchildren.

GingerIsBest · 04/02/2025 17:06

Does your MIL dislike you? Becuase that's the only reason I can think of for her trying to hard to drive this wedge between you and the DC and between them and your DC. What's her relationship with your DP like? And how does she FEEL about her relationship with your DP?

aster10 · 04/02/2025 17:08

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 16:57

You're making a big assumption there, we're not married yet (planning wedding) and it has been me to have made sure that DP is putting legal assurances in place to protect DSCs' inheritance should anything happen to him because I agree that it shouldn't all go to me.
You have also made the assumption that she liked his ex, MIL couldn't stand her.

Show quote history

Hmm, one hypothesis that springs to mind is that MIL doesn’t like her son to be in a relationship. (Nothing new sadly). And therefore she found an intricate way to anger you (the current partner) - by giving DSC preferential treatment. I wonder if (god forbid!) something happens to you and, lets imagine, his ex goes back to him, she will then try to anger her by giving preferential treatment to your children.

Lollypop701 · 04/02/2025 17:12

Not a hope in hell I’d go along with this. Mil is either a grandparent to them all or none. She is doing no favours to the older kids making them different and is driving a wedge in your family unit to make herself feel good. Does she think she is the only female person in their lives that loves them? She needs to understand that’s just not true

dh needs to ask her why she thinks what she is doing is a good idea, point out what she is actually achieving… she can’t compensate for the lack of their mum by turning the dsc into entitled brats. Honestly dh should have stopped this ages ago, but I guess mil was great with them when mum left and dh was hoping it would calm down. Good luck op, what a nightmare

GoldMoon · 04/02/2025 17:12

I wouldn't cut her off , but next time she invites dsc over / out , just say no it's dc turn surely ?

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2025 17:15

I'd be furious too, but she is wanting you to press the nuclear button.. she would LOVE nothing more than to tell everyone how you have stopped her from seeing her younger grandchildren (even though she doesn't even want to), and it's all your fault the family is now split in two, and how she has done nothing wrong and you are over sensitive.. blah blah blah.

Do everything in your power to stop that from happening, you just have to graciously accept what you can't change and work on smoothing things from the inside. Cutting her off won't punish her, it will give her the green light to do it all the more, she is trying to drive a wedge between you and the DSC, and if you kick off you will be giving her what she wants. You can't force her to spend time with the younger ones so stop giving it any attention.

Saying that though, how old are DSC? They need to learn to be a little more sensitive about showing off what they are bought and where they have been taken while the younger children go completely ignored, if they are old enough to do that I'd have a chat with them, or DH should, and explain how excluded the younger children are starting to feel, so while they are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and you and DH are more than happy that MIL wants to treat them and take them places, they do need to show more sensitivity towards people less fortunate than themselves.

It also wouldn't hurt to age appropriately teach your younger children that not everyone will treat them the same, it is nothing they have done wrong it's just the way the world is sometimes.

The more you make of it, the more of a problem it will be, you need to learn to downplay it, even if inside you are seething, MIL only has a limited shelf life before the step kids won't want anything to do with her anyway.. she is already having to buy their affection so it won't be long before they have better things to do altogether.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2025 17:18

Ex mil did this with our two children both her grandchildren one has significant SEN needs so wasn't "seen" as much as the elder one year she gave the eldest a birthday and Christmas gift not the younger the elder caught on and passed on the message via his dad that if she skipped his brother again she better skip him too because he would be returning the gifts she sent him immediately

She hasn't missed since

OliveOil2 · 04/02/2025 17:19

Don't send the letter. I'd presume she is doing all of that because she wants to feel useful and needed, as a valuable member of the family. Is there a way you can tell her exactly what things would be useful to all the children? I'd approach this as acknowledging mils generosity, but that it has also been hurtful (with exact specifics/examples), and how if she could do this and that instead, it would be better for everyone and helpful.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 17:23

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 16:03

I don’t think treating children of glaring unequal circumstances exactly the same is actually equal at all.

stopping them seeing their grandmother would be so unbelievably nasty and cruel. Yours get 2 parents and grandparents, and they get their related maternal figure who is a constant in their lives ripped away because of adult squabbles about petty gifts and posters.

Edited

OP isn't going to stop her MIL seeing her step-children but she is going to cut contact with her MIL herself and stop her seeing her own children (who are also OP's MIL's biological grandchildren) as MIL isn't bothered about them at all and has openly said this to her DSC.

MIL won't be invited to OP's home anymore which considering that OP heard her making a rude comment about OP's family to her DSC seems fair enough.

Tiswa · 04/02/2025 17:28

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 16:44

Why would you not remove someone who doesn't bother with your children and shows overt favouritism?

Show quote history

Because ultimately you are the one causing the difference then and simply exacerbating the issues between them and causing a lot of stress for all four children

OP you can’t win in this - you are stuck very much with a Sophie’s choice. So I would grey rock have limited interaction with her and leave it to your DH

Workingmammabear · 04/02/2025 17:30

I had grandparents like this! My cousin's were in a blended family. Uncle and aunty both had kids from previous marriages and went on to have shared kids as well. Only my uncles eldest daughter was ever taken on trips, spoilt and bought lots of gifts. My sister, myself and my other cousins were not quite ignored, but definitely not treated the same. For what it's worth, we never really cared too much about it. Just didn't have a great bond with that set of grandparents. Mum and dad always rolled their eyes and told us that whilst it was unfair to treat us like this, it was GPS problem not ours. Rise above it and teach your kids that whilst you don't agree with it, it's not something to get upset over.

Jellyslothbridge · 04/02/2025 17:30

Your husband is best placed to deal with it. You can be age appropriately honest with the children if she continues like this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/02/2025 17:35

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:32

I understand your anger, but you’re only punishing your own children further by removing their grandmother entirely from their lives, and driving a wedge between them and their half-siblings, and between you and your DSC. I assume she’s trying, in a misguided way, to make up for the fact that while your children live with both their parents, your DSC have only ‘sporadic’ contact with their mother, which must be difficult for them…?

This woman massively favours @Teenypenguins DSC over her children, and is happy to do it blatantly, in front of them, @Frangela. I cannot see how is it beneficial for @Teenypenguins’ children to have such a person in their lives.

chargeitup · 04/02/2025 17:37

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 16:03

I don’t think treating children of glaring unequal circumstances exactly the same is actually equal at all.

stopping them seeing their grandmother would be so unbelievably nasty and cruel. Yours get 2 parents and grandparents, and they get their related maternal figure who is a constant in their lives ripped away because of adult squabbles about petty gifts and posters.

Edited

And @Anxioustealady
It's all very well saying it's ok to treat them differently but this woman is speaking in a decisive way to the eldest child

Telling them that they are the favourite. Commenting that the younger ones are irritating and making out it's nit fair that the eldest child has to suffer because of the younger ones. Commiserating that they have to sit at the table whilst everyone finishes by blaming the younger ones.

The woman is toxic and intentionally trying ti be decisive. It's not healthy

andweallsingalong · 04/02/2025 17:42

Is it worth DP taking DSC out on his own for a fun day out whilst you do something equally fun with joint DC and exploring their feelings with them ?

It could be that despite your support they feel insecure or that your joint DC are given preferential treatment and have voiced this to MIL who is going the wrong way about making them feel more equal. If this is the case then DSC having time with dad to address this and feel heard would remove MIL's monopoly and help DP have full facts before telling her to pack it in!

Also exploring DSCs feelings about MILs behaviour. They may not, they've been through a lot, but if they do have empathy with DC a family meeting with MIL, DP, you and DSC might work well.