AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

[Teenypenguins]

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

I agree with a PP.

Dear MIL,

We have tried talking to you about this but it doesn’t seem to be changing. We’d like to let you know that any gifts brought into our home in future will be distributed among all children, otherwise they will be need to be kept at your house. Younger child is noticing the difference in how they are treated and it’s not fair on them. It goes against how we raise our children totally.

It is a shame that you only seem to want to spend time with one child over the other. While we can’t force you to spend time with both children, we can at least stop the issue of the gifts being unevenly given. Thanks, [Your DP] and [You]

This is a difficult situation. Ultimately it's down to your DH to sort because this is his mother. If the two of you were to split, he could arrange whatever contact he liked between his children and his family.

However I'm assuming you have a healthy relationship where you make decisions together. I would very, very strongly be arguing for extremely reduced contact with MIL for all the children and additionally, only equal contact. So no more sleepovers or days out or visits for some kids and not others. And I would definitely not be having her over my threshold for the foreseeable; there would need to be an apology. I'd be pushing for occasional visits to her house or to a public place with ALL of us (both parents and all children together). Any gifts that were given or sent for only some of the children and not others (except on birthdays) would be returned. If she was unequal with her birthday and Christmas gifts even after all these boundaries were in place then I'd be seriously considering NC.

Your SDC are obviously impacted by the poor relationship with their mother. That's a given. But what your MIL is doing is driving a wedge between them and their younger siblings. This is the relationship that should be prioritised ahead of their relationship with her. Their relationship with their siblings will be (or has the potential to be) lifelong.

I mean OP can do it for herself, absolutely not for DSC.

I think I have!

I would cut her off for this. It's not just the unfairness to the younger grandchildren, who will be hurt and feel rejected however you try to mitigate it. It's the damage she is doing to DSC as well, by involving them in mind games and sowing division in the family. She's a manipulative and deeply weird individual. I don't blame you for wanting her well away from the children.

DSC are presumably old enough to see her independently if they want to, and I wouldn't go to war with them over that - but I would stipulate that they any gifts were to be left at her house and not talked about in front of the younger ones.

My sister is married to a lovely man who is an only child. They have 2 kids. My sisters MIL favoured their eldest from the get go and made it pretty obvious. Eventually the youngest started to notice. MIL engendered a relationship that was about her having more control over the eldest child making it difficult for my sister and her husband to discipline the elder child too. The siblings had a difficult relationship but this behaviour from the grandmother really drove a wedge between them, especially as the younger child eventually could see what her Grandma was up to and didn't pander to her the way the elder child did. The children are in their 20s now and just don't get on at all. Very sad as once the parents and grandma have gone they won't have each other.

What is her reason for feeling the way she does? Was she particularly close to their mother but not like you much? Does she over-compensate because they can't live with their mum for some reason? Did she play a big part in raising them in the absence of their own mum before you came along? Does she feel you show favouritism to your own DC at the expense of your SDC, so she's over-compensating for that? What's the deal?

Surely your husband must have some understanding of why she's like this. What is his take on it? When she wants to take the older two out for the day or have them over to her house he should be saying 'either they all go, or none of them do. You can't play divide and conquer with my children.'

It's for your DH to handle I think. Will have the most impact. And perhaps setttjng boundaries gradually and seeing how she does.

Your children have two parents. Your step children only have their father. So mil is trying to make up for this. Fair enough I think. Stop being envious.

And how does OP's MiL behaviour help them?
How is driving a wedge between them and their half siblings help them to feel integrated into family life?
Sounds like OP and her DH, and OP's parents are doing all they can to try to make them feel welcome and at home in the family.

Favouritism is ugly.

No but I think she thinks that I do. For example she got new boots for DSC saying that theirs were falling to bits, they're not even close to falling to bits and they both got brand new (very good) boots in December. As they grow at different rates they don't all get things at the exact same time but they do get all that they need and it is all absolutely equal in that respect. If anything DSC do better out of it because they will often get new stuff whereas I get most of DCs' clothes off of vinted. Our home is very much built around them all equally as they all live here full time. As their mum isn't around I take just as much to do with the care and parenting of DSC as I do my own DC, initially I found this hard but over time it's just become natural and just the way that our family works, I do get the sense that MIL talks to others as though this isn't the case though.

Your DH needs to talk to his mum and tell him this favouring is not fair and needs to be stopped as it’s starting to affect everyone.

What vicious cow for dividing her ds children. That will only cause issues for the children in the future. At 13 the older kids can't yet see the damage it potentially cause to their relationship with the younger kids.

And what if one of the older kids does something to annoy her...Will they fall out of favour? What happens to their relationship to their full sibling then?

This is actually so similar because she does do this with DSC13 as they are the only one with a phone so if they are ever given into trouble for anything they are straight on the phone to her and she then will back him up on how awful it is that he was given into trouble (for hitting or swearing at their younger sibling or something similar that is completely normal to get told off for). It always just exacerbates the situation and DSC will then argue that they've done nothing wrong.

Oh I would want to throttle the ridiculous vicious bitch!

But I think you'll achieve a better result if you hold off and wait for your DH to be home and feeling well, so you can take a united approach.

What do DSC say about the whole situation?

OK that all sounds good.

I think I'd sit down with her and your husband and ask her why she's doing this. There's a chance she has good intentions, and I think it'd be a shame for your stepchildren to try end that relationship.

With the best will in the world, your children are luckier than your stepchildren. Getting gifts and days out can't make up for having both parents at home.

You could ask her what the reasoning is behind her approach?

Then go from there

Leave her, don't get angry; don't even give her headspace, she is really no one to you

Definitely let DH handle it when he is better. I get you are furious (I would be too) but how would you feel if DH stepped in with your parents when you'd asked him to hang fire.

I think I would actually have a conversation with SC and discuss what is going on, without the anger/dramatics as they obviously know something is going on. Make yourselves a united unit and don't act like there isn't an issue as they are old enough to know something is going on. You would need to be careful doing this but DGM has already involved them.

I think you should praise your parents to MIL and how lovely they are to treat DSC as their grandchild. I also think that your DH should be loudly singing your praises to his mum about how you have taken on parenting DSC and how grateful they should both be (him and MIL).

It sounds like she sees your DC as your child, like a step-grandchild almost. I have seen a little of this attitude to 2nd families from PIL. Also for my PIL, there was a 8-10 year window in their lives that they wanted to be GPs and felt ideally placed for it, the DGC either side of that window do not hold their interest at all.

well, they know they have a mum and their mum is separated from their dad who lives now with a strange woman - do you think their view will not be skewed due to very normal and explainable circumstances

I wonder what blended families and step parents expect to happen in such cases. Like you took their dad and now what? You probably will get all the husbands inheritance also and his first wife kids might get nothing from him if he dies before you. Where is the fairness here also

The grandma is a human, she likes the first wife and stick to it. Who is fair or right here. The poor kids suffer and the grandma tried her best to make the ones who live without a mum to feel ok

I totally understand your annoyance and I think your MIL is in the wrong

But I definitely would not send that message. You can not unsay things that have been said.

As others have said, they are all your DH's children and therefore they are all your MILs grandchildren, so it doesn't make sense, but leave it to your DH to negotiate.

Perhaps he could also take time to explain the issue to the older two, if he hasn't already. Whilst it's great that granny is so involved with them, that at some point their younger siblings are going to notice and wonder why granny isn't as nice to them and he doesn't like to see any of his children miss out. Reiterate that he is not trying to stop them seeing granny or stopping them from receiving gifts, but it's getting unfair. He could also point out that granny on the other side always includes them in any treats etc., so it's a shame its not happening the other way. They may already be aware of the disparity.

I can only assume that in the past she made a point of being a good granny to them, especially as they don't see their mum very much and she built a strong relationship with them because of that. Obviously the younger two are growing up in different circumstances and her relationship with them is different.

You say she is separated from her husband - so these grandchildren might have meant a lot more to her if she was on her own, and she might be slightly grieving "loosing" them as their current family life may now fill needs and gaps that she did. Empty granny nest syndrome maybe?