AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

[Teenypenguins]

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

I think you’re dealing with a mental health problem. My mother got mean when she got older and it was dementia. Sounds like the start of something like that but her thinking isn’t sane or nice. It’s just mean.

Grandparents are not obliged to treat their grandchildren fairly but OP is entitled to reduce contact with grandparents who treat their grandchildren unfairly. Actions have consequences.

I completely understand your anger .
She shoukd not be saying the things she is saying to a 13 year old letting them know she loves them differently it's out of order .
Take a step back deal with this situation together with your partner .
Your anger is natural but together as a family partner and all children you can stop her in her tracks .

I agree, @DPotter - I am a grandmother - and while I only have one grandchild at the moment, I have two more due soon, and two other dses who intend to have families in the future, and I can't imagine treating my grandchildren so massively differently.

Equitably is a very good word for it. I am the first to admit that we have, over the years, not given the boys exactly the same, in terms of money, support etc, but we have made sure they were treated equitably. And we have always explained our reasoning to them, and they have always been happy with that.

OP, I’ve read the whole thread and I really feel for you! Goodness, there is not much you can do.

I think the advice from @Tiswa is great, who said ‘OP you can’t win in this - you are stuck very much with a Sophie’s choice. So I would grey rock have limited interaction with her and leave it to your DH’

Limit the interaction and leave it to your DH. You’ll be the evil stepmother if you try to cut them off. Don’t send the message. Lean into your wonderful side of the family, and ensure that all the DC and DSC spend plenty of time with them.

Your older DSC phoning your MIL when in trouble is a serious problem and this will cause a lot of issues down the line. Your DH is going to need to be really strong about that, and ensure he’s not being bossed around by his mother when disciplining his own child. 13 is a difficult age and it sounds like your DSC has figured out how to manipulate the situation. But again, this will need to be (mostly) handled by your DH. Hopefully he’s got a backbone!

Good luck to you, I really feel for you. I hope you can find happiness and you’ve done a wonderful thing taking in those 2 DSC and parenting them as your own. I hope they grow up to appreciate you.

OPs parents are stepGP to DSC; MIL is "full"GP to all four children.

Hi,

yes unfortunately you should. You all are very much aware of this going on so new rule is : all or none.

if she doesn’t want to, her choice.

Good luck 🌺

Sorry havent read all the whole thread but I do have alot of sympathy for OPs situation and that of all the children involved.

It is very hurtful to have your children victimised like that. And as they become older and understand more it will potentially be upsetting for them if their half siblings illustrate their more favoured position. On the other hand they might not care on the grounds that they wont have a close relationship.

Ive had a similar thing with my in laws. Their daughter was their favourite and her children the favourite grandchildren. My sons were the wrong gc and it was made very obvious, not interested spending time with them. We were told they wouldnt babysit, have them overnight or after school before they were even born. When we went to see them or they came to us it was always so my husband could solve a problem with their computer or phone. Therecwascno real interaction or genuine interest. In contrast they had previously babysat my SiL children, had them after school, had them stay over, gone on holiday with them etc etc. As the years went on I held my tongue and then I just backed away from my DHs family. Once I had done that it was a huge relief for me after many years of upset and stress. My children had a much closer relationship with one of my friends who was like an Aunt to them, and it showed with different reaction of my children when my friend visited who was geniuinely interested in them and when my in laws turned up. The kids had no interest in them/relationship because their gps had no interest in them.

I dont know what it would have been like if they had witnessed the favourtism though first hand. Having your MiL behave like that to 2 sets of children who live together as a family is very divisive and unhealthy for you and your DH, your relationship & that of DH with MiL, your relationship with your step children and that between your dc & their half siblings. Is she trying to cause as much trouble as possible and damage the children and the family? Perhaps she doesnt like you & by extention your dc.

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. However you can decide if you are going to control this.

The most important relationships here are those of you and your DH with eacjh other and with all the children and the children with each other. Your family is the nucleus that should be nourished and protected.

I think if it were me I would back away with most contact with MiL. You are basically the mother to your stepchildren as well as your own. I hope you view them as equal in your heart as your own children by your DH. So allowing this situation to continue is going to damage them and your dc. This could very well warp the children into adulthood and their relationships with each other and closeness between each other's families when they have them.

Its hard because its his mother, but your DH has to put his foot down to stop it. If that means she doesnt have contact with any of the kids until she can treat them all fairly then so be it. They are his children and she is damaging them, his marriage and the family. You reap what you sow. It must come from him.

You DH also needs to talk to the older children and explain why her behaviour is hurting the family and until it changes the family need to give her time to see the error of her ways.

No contact with the children may be wake up call for her.

So how come you also post @Hwi ?

but my husband who does treat my eldest as his own said that my youngest will be allowed to go if asked. He wants her to have a relationship with his family.

Is @Hwi actually arguing that it is just fiiiine to treat different grandchildren radically differently? I can't imagine any half way decent person thinking that was OK.

Not only is it normal for the grandparents to treat them differently, it is normal for the parents too - it is human nature. Posters here lie about 'oh, I love all my children equally', yeah, right - that is why there are so many posters here complaining about unequal treatment, as if they are owed equal treatment. No parent loves all their children equally, when they say they do, they just lie. And as far as grandparents are concerned - that is their right to treat their grandchildren as favourably or unfavourably as they please - they are not the Equality commission, they are grandparents, fgs!

I don’t think it is normal at all, @Hwi! I cannot imagine not treating my children equitably, and I really cannot understand anyone who would happily give some children a lot more than others, knowing that children are not stupid and will realise granny gave them a £1 colouring book and gave their cousin a PS5, and know that means that granny doesn’t love them.

I cannot imagine being that heartless. I have one grandchild, and two more on the way, and I will treat them all fairly - and the same will apply to any more grandchildren. Because I am a decent human being.

It is not for those giving treatment to say they are treating fairly, it is for those RECEIVING treatment to say if they were treated the same or not.

So do you think that, if one child is given a £1 colouring book, and sees their sibling or cousin given a PS5, they will consider that to be fair treatment, @Hwi?

I cannot dictate whether my grandchildren will consider I have treated them fairly or equitably, but I can do my best to ensure I have been fair and equitable. I can make sure that I don’t spend £££ on one and pennies on another. I can do my best to divide my attention between them, rather than lavishing it on some and ignoring others. And I believe that children are intelligent and capable of seeing when others are treated much better than they are.

I can say that dh and I have always done our best to treat our sons equitably, and I know that they appreciate that. With the arrival of grandchildren, we are doing the same - it isn’t difficult.

Can you not see the damage that can be done if grandparents treat some of their grandchildren to lavish presents/days out etc, and give other grandchildren next to nothing? Would you treat children so differently? Because I certainly would not.

Buy her 4 therapy sessions, tell her you can recommence communication when she has assessed her behaviour.

The older children "need" her more, she is more triggered by them. They are also older and easier.

Immature cow.

The younger ones need less stuff, as they get the handmedowns. Not nice, but that's the way some people think. The older ones have more drama to trigger her interest.

YANBU.
she clearly favours her elder grandchildren but I think to do this in front of her other grandchildren is cruel.

is she trying to have some sort of hold or control.

So just thought I'd would update- there is no update but that in itself is something that I'm trying to think about how to address. DP told me he was furious as well and that once he was better he would speak to her, he hasn't and when I've tried to bring it up again he is brushing it off and saying that I'm trying to make him fall out with his mum, I'm not but I'm so disappointed in him that he's not prepared to even raise it with her. He has raised issues with her in the past (of his own accord and at times hasn't even told me until we'll after it's happened) so why the hell would he not speak to her about this? I'm not telling him to argue but for me if someone in my family did or said anything similar then I would be raising it with them to discuss what's going on.

I get that you are still angry.

However, I think the op was right when they said that she is probably jealous of your family / mum and is trying to maintain her Granny position out of fear.

She probably realises that your mum / family sees them more often than her and put more effort in.

She probably realises she can't compete with that with your younger ones....but she has a stronger starting point with your step kids, and they are not biologically related to your family. So she is claiming them.

I know it's still shit. But it's sad too, and if you think this is where she is coming from, maybe there's something you could say to her to make her see sense?