AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

[Teenypenguins]

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

MIL is deliberately driving a wedge between your children, she'd be kept well away from them all if she was my MIL.

Tricky one!

Do you think the main reason she treats the DSC differently to how she treats your DC is:

1. Because she is trying to be a mother figure to the DSC as they only have sporadic contact with theirs and she doesn't feel the need to fulfil that role for your DC since they already have a loving Mum
2. Because she dislikes you and your family and resents the fact that the DSC have become part of a blended family and now have to share their Dad with an extra 2 DC (i.e. she preferred the status quo before you came on the scene)
3. She prefers spending time with older children as can do more with them and doesn't have to deal with the extra faff that is involved with smaller DC (car seats, prams, nappies etc etc)

I think that my attitude to the situation would be influenced by the reasons for her behaviour

I would agree with your DP that it is best to take a more considered approach rather than sending a message to her in anger before you've had chance to mull it over for a week or two

Your comprehension skills are lacking.

I meant that the teenagers would be able to contact the evil MIL regardless of what OP does, unfortunately.

I will leave you to it now though, froth away.

I hope all of these children are kept as safe from this poisonous cow as possible OP.

For those asking if she is trying to compensate and what other family members are involved - DSC see their grandfather regularly (he is separated from MIL), they don't see family on their mum's side regularly but have seen them on occasion. I realise that this is shit for them, but I don't think making it very obvious that they are favoured over DC helps DSC with this, it doesn't make up for their mum not being around for them the way that she should be. DC are young but old enough to have says out and overnights, they have days out with my own parents thankfully. However my own parents will also take DSC on those days out and treat them as their own DGC, they wouldn't ever bring over a treat or gift for my DC without also getting something for DSC.

I wouldn't want DSC not to see her because I realise that they need that relationship but I want to make sure that the situation doesn't continue to impact DC negatively because that's not fair.

Someone posted about her creating a wedge and she is absolutely doing this, prior to her starting to say this stuff she was saying to DSC, "How was dinner? Were you having to wait hours for DC to finish?" The tone was really negative and this has come from me now asking DSC to wait at the table until everyone has finished because they used to just get up and leave once done. When DC were younger I didn't mind because they could take quite a bit longer to finish but now DC are just as fast as them and I think it's just good manners for them to learn, particularly when it's generally now only a few minutes extra at most. We sit and chat so it's just nice and then we clear the table together but she is trying to make out like it's something negative and DSC are waiting for ages and ages for DC to finish which just isn't the case.

I mean, she's not really being a good grandmother if she treats them so differently to their siblings, is she? No big loss. She's probably going to cause resentments between the kids if this carries on.

YANBU to be furious, but do not send the message.
This is not your fight. Your DP needs to unleash the full extent of his disgust at his mother for playing favourites among her grandchildren who are all equally as much her own flesh and blood as each other. He needs to be the one to tell her that if she cannot treat all four of his children equally then he will be having nothing further to do with her and he and you will do nothing further to facilitate any kind of contact between her and any of her grandchildren. If any of them want to stay in touch with her it will be up to them, but you will be making sure that they understand how horrible her behaviour to their siblings is.

But it it vitally important that this comes from DP, not from you.

When my own dm favoured my dd over ds it was dd who pointed it out. She didn't like it. Imo sibling relationships are paramount. She is creating divides between yours... Not fixing anything.. .. Your dh needs to push through the flu and find his balls... Mil needs to stay away full stop for now. And dsc can be told why...

I saw you mention this briefly on a thread last night, honestly it stuck with me due to the fact this is now being said to the Kids.

I would not have any of this at all. Fuck that. All the random gift would be kept at MIL unless all DC were bought for, none of those days out unless all were invited. It's nice for the DC to have the gifts and if it was now and again - fair enough. But this seems to be a constant thing. They are all her grandkids by blood.

On same note though that would go for BOTH MIL and your own side of the family. Treat them the same or not at all. Blood or not, your a family now. Start it as a rule from now on if it not already.

The issues this could cause between the DC, and the fact there was MIL discussing things with DSC on the phone is out of order. It's already looking like games are being played here.

There will be ways round it before NC tbh, but it would depend on what has lead up to it all.
Edit, as I misread op.

They are all her grandchildren. The DSCs and the DCs are all the biological children of the OP's husband, therefore his mother is their biological grandmother.

The fact that they are all her biological grandchildren is the exact thing that makes the MIL's behaviour so disgusting.

I don’t think there's anything wrong with taking some children and not the others, there's probably a decent age gap so they won't want to do the same thing.

As another poster has said, they are all her biological grandchildren, however DSC are not the biological grandchildren of my own parents yet they still try their best to make them feel cared for, loved and included. If they come round with a treat for DC, they would also have something for DSC, in fact my mum will often go out of her way to find them things that she knows they will like and enjoy because she likes to see them happy and feeling part of the family.

I agree to an extent. But that's where compromise of 1 time doing something with older kids, next time it's younger ones turn. It's not difficult .

My point is that if this is happening constantly, it's not on and where OP and DP need to step in.

Sometimes would be fair enough, but to never take some of your DGC whilst regularly taking the others? When she took them last weekend she left oldest DSC at her house to take the younger one to something that my oldest DC would have loved and been more than able to go along to.

I think this is what I'd do. Some posters might say you are driving a wedge, but I think your MIL is the cause of that wedge, but you do need to protect all the children from her behaviour and that might mean that 2 of her gc don't have access to her whilst she chooses to favour the other two.

I think you've misunderstood the situation

I think as hard as itay be you should sit on your hands until your DH is in a fit state and have him deal with this.

They are all his children and its his mother. He needs to lead this.

Yes it should be split more fairly.

Do you buy more things like clothes, bedding etc, or do more days out for your children, than your stepchildren? If that is the case, then I feel like she's overcompensating because she feels bad for the older grandchildren.

It would be natural for your home and life to be more built around your children vs the stepchildren, but it is pretty crap for them that they don't see their mom or her family.

How do you treat children fairly when one pair only see their mother sporadically.

i think with them Sharing a house it’s difficult, especially re gifts etc. but obviously she is attempting to compensate for their loss and trauma from their lack of engaged mother.

as well sharing a home with siblings who have a constant presence of a mother while they don’t. Everyday they wake up and are reminded that their mother isn’t there.

let DH manage it though and I do think it’s fine to go no contact. At the end of the day the imbalance can’t be rectified by gifts but I did think 1on1 with a maternal figure is beneficial for them in a way that wouldn’t be for your DC.

I wouldn’t send the message but I would go massively low contact.

Let DH sort her out and tell her she is no longer welcome at your home. If he wants to block her number from your DSC’s phones that’s his choice.

My only concern would be to make sure there is no resentment starting between the children. Children can pick up on these things and feel the difference in attention even at a young age.

I don’t think treating children of glaring unequal circumstances exactly the same is actually equal at all.

stopping them seeing their grandmother would be so unbelievably nasty and cruel. Yours get 2 parents and grandparents, and they get their related maternal figure who is a constant in their lives ripped away because of adult squabbles about petty gifts and posters.

It’s a tricky one.
As your step children are older and also speak with your MIL on the phone independently already then you aren’t going to be able to really stop them receiving stuff from your MIL.
If you block your own child from seeing MIL, then I would worry as your child grows your MIL will change the narrative to ‘we didn’t get you stuff because your mum wouldn’t let us see you’. She could twist the situation.
I would tread carefully.

They are all her grandchildren. All of the children are the biological children of her son, the OP’s husband. The OP is his second partner he had children with.

Such a hard situation OP! I feel for you.

I would say, don’t send the message, but when DH gets better ask him to have a proper sit down chat with her and tell her how this is making you both feel and how it will affect DC if this behaviour continues.

Telling 13dsc on the phone that she loves them more than other DC is just, not on. This needs to be stopped x

I think its really difficult to go NC though given the age of the older children who obviously love their grandmother. It will be really difficult to forbid contact and OP is in real danger of becoming the wicked stepmother who forbid contact with a much loved relative. It wont matter whether grandma was right or wrong, the sledgehammer approach of NC is going to cause havoc here between OP and her stepkids

I think you are being absolutely reasonable to be enraged by it all and when DP is better he should be having a very clear word with MiL.

But I would hold off the messages for now and check in with DSC and DC (maybe separately to start with and then a family conference second) to see how it makes them feel. The DSC are definitely old enough to find this all very uncomfortable and understand their DGM is behaving unreasonably. They may also really relish the extra attention and feel very conflicted about it all. Use this as an opportunity to get them to talk about how they feel and agree a way forward as a family.

People who manipulate only manage to do so successfully because the people they drive a wedge between let them. Keep communication open and be honest about feeling torn yourself, it will teach the DSC a much more valuable lesson about how to deal with difficult people who buy their affection in the future, and gives you plenty of chance to reinforce how much you and DP (and your parents and FIL) love them all.

Take the wind out of her sails. If that then fails over time think about reducing contact. But I suspect DSC will have wised up to it by then and able to make their own choices.