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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut contact with MIL for this

169 replies

Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 14:28

I have 2 DSC and 2 shared DC with my DP. DSC live with us full time. DSC see their mum sporadically. Over the last few years it has been increasingly obvious that my MIL favours DSC over our shared DC. She constantly buys them gifts, gives them money and new clothes, takes them on days out and has them for sleepovers yet she never ever does any of this for my DC. On more than one occasion she has given money or new clothes to DSC in front of my DC who are now starting to become old enough to understand that they aren't getting anything whilst their older siblings do (previously they were too young to understand). This has obviously been a huge bone of contention and DP has raised it with her a number of times.

Last weekend, yet again she took DSC for a sleepover and day out which DC were not invited to. They then came home with so much stuff, new toys, clothes, bedding, posters, shoes. I was so angry that I had to leave the house with DC before I got into an argument with her in front of them. DP was furious also and told her so and that she was not to buy DSC any more stuff if she is not going to treat her grandchildren fairly.

The last night oldest DSC13 was on the phone to her in the next room from me and had left the door open. He had her on speakerphone. I was sitting online ordering something and wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I could hear every word. She told DSC that she was on the cusp of falling out with his dad because he was saying that she should not be buying things for DSC and not DC. She told DSC13 that she was not happy about this and that she 'won't be playing that game'. She then said that she loves DC but not like DSC and that it's different for them and then went on to make an arsey comment about my family. At this point I walked through to the doorway of the room that DSC13 was in and said, "MIL, just to make you aware, DSC13 has you on speakerphone and I can hear every word that you are saying" and walked away. I was so angry I was shaking.

DP wasn't in but I phoned and told him immediately and he was equally as furious. However he is really ill at the moment with the flu and said that he wants to wait until he has a clear head before he speaks to her. In my mind there is nothing to speak about and I don't want her to be any part of my DC's life if they are going to grow up being visibly rejected by their grandmother. I understand that it is shit for my DSC that they are not growing up with their mother consistently in their life and she may feel the need to try to make up for that but as far as I am concerned, you don't fix an imbalance by creating another imbalance and my DC is completely innocent and does not deserve to be treated as lesser.

I drafted a message which I was going to send to her basically saying that she will no longer be able to be a part of DC's life for the near future, until I have decided what is best for them, she is not welcome in my home and should she wish to buy anything for DSC then she can do so and keep them at her own house. I was then going to block her and move on.
I have spoken to my family who are absolutely disgusted but are telling me not to send the message and to give it some time. I feel like my family are often overly forgiving of people and this is not something that I want to move on from. Recently I have started to notice DC trying to get attention from MIL and I am worried that she will grow up trying to get love from people who don't put her first or willingly give it to her and I worry it would impact future relationships so I think the best thing would be to stop contact altogether. AIBU? Is there anything else I can do?

OP posts:
ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/02/2025 17:44

StormingNorman · 04/02/2025 15:09

There’s always the option of discussing why she treats the children differently.

There is usually at least one voice of reason on these forums, but it often gets lost in all the righteous outrage. I hope Op sees your post, Norman.

RockOrAHardplace · 04/02/2025 17:48

Would I want to message her and go no contact - absolutely. She is manipulative and actively causing tension by what she said in that phone call. The only person playing games is her.

But, and I say this with pain, don't do it. Get your husband to talk to her when he is fit for the discussion. He might want to add in, that favouritism works both ways and he may decide to favour other family members over her.

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 04/02/2025 17:49

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:32

I understand your anger, but you’re only punishing your own children further by removing their grandmother entirely from their lives, and driving a wedge between them and their half-siblings, and between you and your DSC. I assume she’s trying, in a misguided way, to make up for the fact that while your children live with both their parents, your DSC have only ‘sporadic’ contact with their mother, which must be difficult for them…?

Completely disagree with this. Why on earth would you suggest OP allow this toxic woman who has ADMITTED she loves two grandchildren more than her other two, to be around the latter two?!?! Are you for real?!

DeathNote11 · 04/02/2025 17:50

I think she's in competition with your mum. In her head, it's her 2 & your mum's 2 & she wants 'best granny' award. Have the grannies got any kind of relationship? Might be worth while encouraging one if not to try & stop the competition in MILs head

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 04/02/2025 17:50

Personally OP, I would ban her from seeing ANY of the DC inc. step DC

Maraa · 04/02/2025 17:50

As someone who is non contact with the mil, honestly my life is so much better. She is toxic and sounds similar to yours. However, I wouldn’t engage. Block and let your husband explain

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 04/02/2025 17:53

Is there a big age difference? Does she perhaps not feel capable of looking after the younger ones just yet? Maybe she doesn’t think they would appreciate gifts yet (depends how young I guess). If we are talking 2/3 here I probably would be bothered, but 6/7 I would be.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 04/02/2025 17:53

She sounds awful and wouldn't be welcome in my life nor my children's.

Hardly hurting them to remove someone whose treating them as second class citizens.

I'd also be very disappointed with SDC- 13yrs old- they should be able to see that their GMs behaviour is not acceptable. I would have a serious chat with SDC and explain they're welcome to have a relationship with her but why it isn't kind for the rest of the family to continue with one. They're going to grow up with massive chops on their shoulders if they're always told they're better than their siblings.

CutFlowers · 04/02/2025 18:03

My MIL pulled this rubbish with my eldest nephew. Spoilt him because he was the oldest/his Dad had left and he had younger half-siblings. In the end it drove a wedge between him and his parents and he is now very sadly non-contact with any of them. It can start off from a 'kind' place but is really damaging.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/02/2025 18:05

Don't send the message.
Don't put anything in writing that she can show to everyone and make out like she is a victim.
Do cut her out of your lives by 'grey rocking'.

Consider moving much further away from her to get all of the children away from her toxic behaviour. Don't bother telling her or the children why. There's nothing to be gained by arguing with toxic people and you'll be made out to be the bad guy.

Christwosheds · 04/02/2025 18:16

littlemousebigcheese · 04/02/2025 14:53

Do your parents and family treat all the children the same?

This isn’t quite the same though, as Op’s parents are not the grandparents of the teenagers , only the younger children (child?) . Whereas the MIl is the grandmother of all the children, and should be treating them all equally.

Anxioustealady · 04/02/2025 18:19

chargeitup · 04/02/2025 17:37

And @Anxioustealady
It's all very well saying it's ok to treat them differently but this woman is speaking in a decisive way to the eldest child

Telling them that they are the favourite. Commenting that the younger ones are irritating and making out it's nit fair that the eldest child has to suffer because of the younger ones. Commiserating that they have to sit at the table whilst everyone finishes by blaming the younger ones.

The woman is toxic and intentionally trying ti be decisive. It's not healthy

Show quote history

The thing about staying at the table must be something OP's stepchildren complained to her about, or she wouldn't know. Maybe she's just trying to be on their side.

I'm not saying it's a good thing, just offering the other side because most people are focused on the younger children, but I do feel bad for the older ones in this situation. I said they should sit down and find out the reason OPs MIL is doing this, what's wrong with that?

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 18:25

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2025 17:18

Ex mil did this with our two children both her grandchildren one has significant SEN needs so wasn't "seen" as much as the elder one year she gave the eldest a birthday and Christmas gift not the younger the elder caught on and passed on the message via his dad that if she skipped his brother again she better skip him too because he would be returning the gifts she sent him immediately

She hasn't missed since

There are some lovely kids about

Shame their GM wasn't as kind

AlertBrickBear · 04/02/2025 18:29

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 16:01

How do you treat children fairly when one pair only see their mother sporadically.

i think with them Sharing a house it’s difficult, especially re gifts etc. but obviously she is attempting to compensate for their loss and trauma from their lack of engaged mother.

as well sharing a home with siblings who have a constant presence of a mother while they don’t. Everyday they wake up and are reminded that their mother isn’t there.

let DH manage it though and I do think it’s fine to go no contact. At the end of the day the imbalance can’t be rectified by gifts but I did think 1on1 with a maternal figure is beneficial for them in a way that wouldn’t be for your DC.

Not by trying to create a wedge between the only stable family situation they do have, I would think? I mean she’s actually trying to destabilise the relationship with the parents they do live with and their other siblings? I’d say that’s pretty unconscionable.

andthat · 04/02/2025 18:35

Adamante · 04/02/2025 14:35

Why are you bothering to message her? She won’t care, she’s made that very clear and you can’t make her. I’d withdraw now, leave her son to deal with her. Hopefully you can trust him to do the right thing. If you keep getting involved this will ultimately drive a wedge between you and your step children who obviously love their grandma. Tell your kids that grandma is silly and make it clear she’s not to be taken seriously. Personally I wouldn’t bother taking my children to see her and if you do, step in when you see your child trying to engage with her. Children will pick up the vibe from you. Being furious and shaking with anger will only stress your children out. Show them it’s not something to be bothered about.

This is terrible advice.

The kids are teenagers… not five years old. They can see the obvious favouritism in action… and explaining this away as ‘grandma being silly’ is totally minimising the situation.

it IS something to be bothered about that OP’s child is treated so shoddily in comparison to her step children and that the grandmother is openly telling the step children that she loves them more.

It’s unacceptable and OP sends a clear signal to her own child that they matter, when she refuses to put up with this shit.

Original poster
Teenypenguins · 04/02/2025 18:39

DeathNote11 · 04/02/2025 17:50

I think she's in competition with your mum. In her head, it's her 2 & your mum's 2 & she wants 'best granny' award. Have the grannies got any kind of relationship? Might be worth while encouraging one if not to try & stop the competition in MILs head

I actually had a light bulb moment where I realised this except I don't think it's just my mum, I think she is jealous of my family in general. I have a large, really close family and we do loads together, including my extended family, my DSC are always included in this and I wonder if she somehow sees this as a threat. My family are the type that welcome anyone, we've had so many Christmas dinners where random friends or workmates who would otherwise have been alone on Christmas are there; MIL has been invited to many things my family have done but she has always turned it down. My family see far more of all the kids than hers do and my parents see more of them all than she does. MIL has always told me that she practically raises my oldest DSC and she looked after him all the time but DP tells me that this isn't true. I wonder if my family being so involved with DSC and including them so much is something that she sees a threat to her granny position but also the image she likes to maintain that she is the only one who has ever done anything for DSC, instead of seeing it as a positive that they have more people who care for them.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 04/02/2025 18:42

She's nuts, don't send your message because a) she won't care and b) she won't understand that she's done anything wrong. I'd leave it up to your DH. Keep your powder dry & keep civil in front of the kids. Agree with DH a way forward.

Fwiw I could see my MIL doing something very similar, so I can understand your fury.

Starlight7080 · 04/02/2025 18:44

Maybe it's because they don't see their mum . Do they have grandparents or other family involved?
She may be trying to overcompensate for that .
And the age differences may come into it. Teenagers are easier to take out and such

DeepFatFried · 04/02/2025 18:44

Her behaviour is deeply toxic.

However, given the complexities and needing to protect all the Dc involved I think I would try and Divert and De-escalate.

Given that your DSC know what you heard and heard what you said to MIL I think it a priority that you and DH sit down and talk with them, ask them how they feel. If they think this through they may look at her behaviour in a new light and not want to be implicated. But I would make the conversation v sensitive to their position and security.

Maybe get DH to tell MIL that you all need to talk so that between you all you can care for all the children.

Arrange to meet in a neutral space, no kids, and get DH to ask her what her thinking is. Ask her how she feels about the situation get older DGC are in and what she felts her role is.

Explain that between you two your priority is to make sure that all the children are loved, supported and secure and to that end, how does she se the best way to do this?

It may be that she felt devastated for her elder DGC to see them without their Mum and then to see them ‘replaced’ by younger kids who their Dad loves. To be fair, lots of kids in ‘blended ‘ families do feel like this.

I would acknowledge that you are aware that it can be a vulnerable time for kids to see their Dad have new younger kids, and that you are therefore careful to treat them as your own. And that you have asked your family to do the same, which they are happy to do.

Tell her (DH tell her) that undermining the older kids relationship with their siblings is not the best way to support them.

DeepFatFried · 04/02/2025 18:45

. I wonder if my family being so involved with DSC and including them so much is something that she sees a threat to her granny position

Almost certainly!

Trumptonagain · 04/02/2025 18:48

we're not married yet

Ah...so she's not your MIL.

Maybe she sees you as just a girlfriend of her DS and refuses to answer to you and feels as her GC don't see other family members much she's the main female in her GC's lives, where as your shared DC have both parents 24/7.

Not ideal when trying to be a family as a whole.

LBFseBrom · 04/02/2025 18:57

All the 'thems' and 'theys' ! You've certainly bought into the zeitgist.

No doubt your mother-in-law has a special softness for your step son or daughter because he or she does not see mother often and home was broken up. She is trying to mitigate any trauma. It doesn't mean shet has no love or affection for her younger children, just that perceives the elder one to have more needs.

If your children have started to notice and say things, just tell them that their granny is trying to make up for what has gone wrong, it doesn't indicate that she doesn't love them.

Don't talk about it, with resentment, in front of your children. That is unfair to them and to your stepchild. Your kids have both parents living together and that is more valuable than anything else.

andthat · 04/02/2025 19:02

LBFseBrom · 04/02/2025 18:57

All the 'thems' and 'theys' ! You've certainly bought into the zeitgist.

No doubt your mother-in-law has a special softness for your step son or daughter because he or she does not see mother often and home was broken up. She is trying to mitigate any trauma. It doesn't mean shet has no love or affection for her younger children, just that perceives the elder one to have more needs.

If your children have started to notice and say things, just tell them that their granny is trying to make up for what has gone wrong, it doesn't indicate that she doesn't love them.

Don't talk about it, with resentment, in front of your children. That is unfair to them and to your stepchild. Your kids have both parents living together and that is more valuable than anything else.

Did you miss the bit where grandma is actually telling her grandson that she doesn’t love OP’s child in the same way?

She absolutely should not be telling them that, it’s a toxic thing to do.

MumoftwoGranofone · 04/02/2025 19:03

Perhaps suggest she buys something for the younger children too as they are getting older and might be feeling left out? Something inexpensive and small for all of them? There is not much you can do about favouritism ... my DC grandparents clearly favoured one child over any of the rest of us but it's worked out fine!

Chillilounger · 04/02/2025 19:05

It's up to your DH t deal. Sounds like he t won't be any sort of incentive if she doesn't get to see your DC's though unfortunately. What would make her sit up is if DH stopped her seeing the DSC until she learns to treat all his children fairly. That has to come from him though.