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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for standing my ground on this wedding issue

302 replies

WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 13:17

Hi all, just looking for a little bit of insight/advice. Apologies in advance for the length of the post.

My partner and I are engaged and in the early stages of wedding planning. For background: we are both technically catholic and so are both of our families, however, none of us are practicing at all. So, I was surprised when my partner brought up that he wanted to get married in a church. I pushed back on this at the time with a variety of reasons including, neither of us being religious (he hasn't been to mass outside of having to go with school when he was younger), I have a lot of issues with organised religion generally, I prefer humanist ceremonies as they focus more on the couple. Just to name a few of my points.

The only reason he could give for a church wedding was that his parents had a church wedding and he sees it as traditional. I told him that if I believed for a second it was that important to him I would absolutely consider it and probably do it, however, as he hasn't been to church the entire time I've known him (despite there being a church a 2 minute walk from our house) I felt he was requesting it for the wrong reasons and it wasn't enough to make me compromise on my strong feelings against getting married in a church. I thought we had put the issue to bed because in the months since that conversation he didn't mention it again, didn't start attending mass to show that it is important to him and while visiting venues we've been talking in terms of the entire day being held there.

On Sunday we went to his parents for dinner and after the meal his mum asked me if we had decided where we were getting married ie, ceremony at the venue or in a church and I responded that I think it will all be at the venue as it's more convenient and I have no interest in a church wedding. I mentioned that my partner would like a church wedding but that I felt it didn't make sense as neither of us are practicing catholics. His mum genuinely didn't seem bothered either way as she is actually protestant but was married in a catholic church because it was what fiance's dad wanted, despite her own parents being unhappy with the decision.

However, his dad then piped up and started ranting on about although he didn't attend mass he still felt it was important to be married in the church and felt it was more special for the wedding to be blessed by god and really put down the idea of "just a legal marriage". I bit my tongue so as not to embarrass my fiancé and cause a row. He then said "What about when you have kids? Will they be raised catholic?" I responded that it didn't make much sense to me to raise potential children as catholic when we are not practicing catholics ourselves but that fiance and I would discuss it if we have children. His dad glanced at my fiance and said "I'd be putting my foot down about that". That comment absolutely enraged me and I did snap back "You don't get to put your foot down and neither does fiance". At that point fiance agreed and told his dad to drop it.

It's now caused a massive row between fiance and I which ended with me telling him that he's a hyopcrite and so is his dad to be making such an issue about a religion they don't follow in any way, shape or form. I'm also raging that his dad felt he had the right to try and intimidate me at the dinner table to get his way when our wedding and how we raise any children we might have are nothing to do with him!

I have compromised in regards to the wedding. I'm shy and self conscious so the typical big wedding has never been appealing to me but I knew it was important to my fiance and what he'd always envisioned so I've jumped on board with that, and have been happy to do it for him so with this church thing I just don't think I can concede.

Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated as I'm so angry just now I can hardly think.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2025 13:23

I think there is a big difference between your finace wanting to get married in a church becasue HE wants to and doing it because his parents expect it.
Well done for not putting up with your FIL's nonsense either

twoshedsjackson · 04/02/2025 13:31

You may possibly find that the church itself expects a certain amount of attendance before permitting a church wedding; this varies from diocese to diocese. Most parishes will require attendance at marriage preparations classes at the very least.
Is your prospective FIL invested enough in this notion to round the family up for some attendance at mass, to show willing?
A friend of mine faced this situation; when she pursued the matter, it transpired that future MIL wanted a younger sister to be a bridesmaid. Once she was assured that golden daughter could wear the fanciest bridesmaid dress available at a civil ceremony, the matter was resolved!
My friend was a lapsed Anglican herself, but felt it disrespectful to people with sincerely held beliefs to use a church setting merely to make a show. She would have compromised if MIL was genuinely devout and practising as a motivation for wishing to see her son married in the faith.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 13:32

Well done for putting your FIL in his place after he told you and your fiance that he would be putting his foot down. How bad mannered is he to speak to his future DIL in that way.

What is the situation now with your fiance and him wanting a church wedding? When is the last time he went to church? Can you even have a wedding in a Catholic church if neither of you go to church?

Bubblesgun · 04/02/2025 13:33

I am 100% agreeing with you. You re not unreasonable and please stand your ground.

of the 3 of you (i m including his dad) you are the ONLY one who reasonable and made sensible points.

GrumpyPanda · 04/02/2025 13:37

Your FIL is way out of line. But your attitude towards your fiancé strikes me as patronizing. You're policing what you- yourself a non-practicing Catholic - deem sincere enough to deserve a Church wedding. Out of interest, would that require weekly mass attendance? It's odd how many atheists/agnostics always seem to agree with the most rabid Ultra-orthodox on what should define religious attachment. It's perfectly legitimate to attend church sporadically - your quintessential high holidays, weddings, and funerals - and yet be sincere about wanting these occasions in your life, and I suspect any truly seasoned priest would agree - they don't tend to turn down couples or bereaved families, and that's because they'd be bad at their jobs if they only cater to the few old ladies in their pews every single Sunday. If they don't judge why would you?

SerenStarEtoile · 04/02/2025 13:40

I agree with you, OP.
If your potential FIL can’t be bothered to actually go and worship in the religion he purports to follow, he’s got no business to try and push it on you.

I think you have every right to your considered opinions - following a religious belief doesn’t trump your stance.

crumpet · 04/02/2025 13:40

I don’t go to church but still wanted to be married in a church.

Icanttakethisanymore · 04/02/2025 13:42

FIL was well out of line but I don't think you get to decide what is a 'good' reason to want to get married in a church and what isn't. Your DP want to get married in a church and you don't. You need to try and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Original poster
WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 13:44

twoshedsjackson · 04/02/2025 13:31

You may possibly find that the church itself expects a certain amount of attendance before permitting a church wedding; this varies from diocese to diocese. Most parishes will require attendance at marriage preparations classes at the very least.
Is your prospective FIL invested enough in this notion to round the family up for some attendance at mass, to show willing?
A friend of mine faced this situation; when she pursued the matter, it transpired that future MIL wanted a younger sister to be a bridesmaid. Once she was assured that golden daughter could wear the fanciest bridesmaid dress available at a civil ceremony, the matter was resolved!
My friend was a lapsed Anglican herself, but felt it disrespectful to people with sincerely held beliefs to use a church setting merely to make a show. She would have compromised if MIL was genuinely devout and practising as a motivation for wishing to see her son married in the faith.

That's always been my understanding regarding attendance and classes etc and if he isn't interested in making the effort with it I don't feel I should when it's something I strongly don't want.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 04/02/2025 13:46

You don't sound shy at all. You sound very domineering. You should have let your fiancé deal with his parents. How would you like him to speak to your parents like that?

Pillarsofsalt · 04/02/2025 13:48

I think however this is sorted out between you all will set a precedence for how important decisions are made in the future. Will your kids be baptised, go to church, make communion, have godparents? What about if you disagree on finances, loans, where you settle down? This is a great test of how your marriage will proceed. Good luck.

hideawayforever · 04/02/2025 13:50

Good for you, don't be intimidated by anyone, it's your wedding. I agree that they are being hypocrites.

Pillarsofsalt · 04/02/2025 13:50

And hell no the OP does not sound domineering!! She is standing up for her own beliefs which does not include accepting a man “putting his foot down”.

Original poster
WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 13:50

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 13:32

Well done for putting your FIL in his place after he told you and your fiance that he would be putting his foot down. How bad mannered is he to speak to his future DIL in that way.

What is the situation now with your fiance and him wanting a church wedding? When is the last time he went to church? Can you even have a wedding in a Catholic church if neither of you go to church?

I know, it's really soured my feelings towards his dad and makes me a bit worried for what life will be like with him as an in-law.

I spoke to him about it last night and again went through my personal reasons for not wanting a church wedding and asked him why he wanted to so badly and he just got huffy and couldn't give any reason other than it's traditional.

He has never gone to mass other than when he had to go with school. So as an adult he doesn't engage with religion at all.

I think if we started to show face at mass now then we could but I don't think we could walk in and ask with the way we are living just now.

OP posts:
Fishorbird · 04/02/2025 13:52

There’s something off putting about the way that you have disregarded your fiancés wish for a church wedding. He is catholic, he wants the tradition of the church wedding - this is a perfectly valid reason and I think its quite dismissive (and not a great foundation for communication in marriage) for you to decide that his reasoning doesn’t satisfy your personal criteria of what’s a valid reason so you disregard him.

Fair enough to tell off FIL, he was out of line.

As someone who is christened Catholic, worked in a Catholic school, never attended outside of school events and personally am an atheist - I married in the church that my parents married in and just treated it as a nice link to my family and a lovely building.

MsMarch · 04/02/2025 13:53

I see two separate issues

issue 1 - FIL is a complete misogynist ridiculous wanker and you were totally right to tell him to go away.

Issue 2 - lot sof peopel who aren' tin the slightest bit religious still want to get married in a church and I think that it's totally fine for you NOT to want to get married ina church but your fiance doesn't need to suddenly start attending church weekly to justify wanting that tradition.

I am not religious at ALL. we got married int he church of DH's family (who aren't particularly religious either). i liked getting married in a church and was happy to do it. I also (wrongly) thought it would also appease the more religious members of my family (turned out they all thought that by getting married in DH's church it was no better than if I just hadn't got married in a church at all. Sigh).

arcticpandas · 04/02/2025 13:55

luckylavender · 04/02/2025 13:46

You don't sound shy at all. You sound very domineering. You should have let your fiancé deal with his parents. How would you like him to speak to your parents like that?

Ehrm. She was responding to a comment concerning her future children and she did it very well. Fil seems to be an ancient patriarch who thinks everyone has to bow to his wishes and OP pushed back.

Bubblesgun · 04/02/2025 13:55

Fishorbird · 04/02/2025 13:52

There’s something off putting about the way that you have disregarded your fiancés wish for a church wedding. He is catholic, he wants the tradition of the church wedding - this is a perfectly valid reason and I think its quite dismissive (and not a great foundation for communication in marriage) for you to decide that his reasoning doesn’t satisfy your personal criteria of what’s a valid reason so you disregard him.

Fair enough to tell off FIL, he was out of line.

As someone who is christened Catholic, worked in a Catholic school, never attended outside of school events and personally am an atheist - I married in the church that my parents married in and just treated it as a nice link to my family and a lovely building.

Which is the most hypocritical thing you could ever imagine doing - what a disregard for people who faith to want tk be married in a “lovely building”.

and well done to the OP who doesnot want to do that because ahe seems to be an honest respectful person to both her opinions and other people.

MyUmberSeal · 04/02/2025 13:57

GrumpyPanda · 04/02/2025 13:37

Your FIL is way out of line. But your attitude towards your fiancé strikes me as patronizing. You're policing what you- yourself a non-practicing Catholic - deem sincere enough to deserve a Church wedding. Out of interest, would that require weekly mass attendance? It's odd how many atheists/agnostics always seem to agree with the most rabid Ultra-orthodox on what should define religious attachment. It's perfectly legitimate to attend church sporadically - your quintessential high holidays, weddings, and funerals - and yet be sincere about wanting these occasions in your life, and I suspect any truly seasoned priest would agree - they don't tend to turn down couples or bereaved families, and that's because they'd be bad at their jobs if they only cater to the few old ladies in their pews every single Sunday. If they don't judge why would you?

Totally agree. Your FIL is an ass but your attitude towards your husband is wanting. It’s his wedding too.

Pottedpalm · 04/02/2025 13:57

Pillarsofsalt · 04/02/2025 13:50

And hell no the OP does not sound domineering!! She is standing up for her own beliefs which does not include accepting a man “putting his foot down”.

Meanwhile she puts her foot down…

KrisAkabusi · 04/02/2025 13:57

Good for you, don't be intimidated by anyone, it's your wedding.

No. It's her and her fiance's wedding. He's entitled to his opinions as well. He's not allowed to intimidate her, but he's allowed express his wants too.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 04/02/2025 13:57

Well done on standing up to FIL! He sounds awful.

Of course you needn't get married in a Catholic church when neither of you are Catholic. I agree of he actually believed then he'd have a case but it doesn't even sound like he's mentioned God at all.

Catholic ceremonies can be very very religious too. Imagine starting married life declaring stuff "before God" and all that when you don't believe any of it. Absolute sham!

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2025 13:57

luckylavender · 04/02/2025 13:46

You don't sound shy at all. You sound very domineering. You should have let your fiancé deal with his parents. How would you like him to speak to your parents like that?

Yes, shut up woman and let the men sort it out!

Brefugee · 04/02/2025 13:59

Nah. I would be putting the entire thing on hold until I was convinced FIL would STFU and fiancé would back me up.

Original poster
WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 14:00

GrumpyPanda · 04/02/2025 13:37

Your FIL is way out of line. But your attitude towards your fiancé strikes me as patronizing. You're policing what you- yourself a non-practicing Catholic - deem sincere enough to deserve a Church wedding. Out of interest, would that require weekly mass attendance? It's odd how many atheists/agnostics always seem to agree with the most rabid Ultra-orthodox on what should define religious attachment. It's perfectly legitimate to attend church sporadically - your quintessential high holidays, weddings, and funerals - and yet be sincere about wanting these occasions in your life, and I suspect any truly seasoned priest would agree - they don't tend to turn down couples or bereaved families, and that's because they'd be bad at their jobs if they only cater to the few old ladies in their pews every single Sunday. If they don't judge why would you?

To be honest as someone who was raised catholic and did go to mass outside of school, yes I do think you have to engage with the religion to some degree. How frequent is something I don't have an opinion on and is nothing to do with me but if you don't go at all I don't think it's right to expect to be married in the church. And I'm not exaggerating when I say at all - not even sporadically. Fiance doesn't engage with religion and until this conversation came up had shared the same type of opinions as me so I have been genuinely shocked by all of this.

OP posts:
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