Periods at school but no toilet pass

[PyjamaFiasco]

Hello hive mind.

What's the policy at your/kids' secondary schools about going to the toilet in lesson?

Ours is "no toilet breaks in class without a toilet pass." A toilet pass is issued when you can provide evidence of a medical need.

My daughter is on her period this week and yesterday unfortunately leaked through her pad onto her trousers and onto the chair after she had a flooding incident. She had asked to use the toilet and was told no and didn't feel comfortable saying to a male teacher in front of the whole class "sir I'm on my period." She's feeling embarrassed that the person who went to use the chair afterwards would see it.

When you go in between lessons the toilets are rammed with students all trying to go at the same time and the 5 minutes between lessons isn't long enough to then get to the next class. Going at break or lunch is fine but when on your period you mind need to go more often/ change it more frequently.

She said she felt she had 3 options: do nothing, walk out and go to the toilet anyway and get a detention or be late to the next lesson and get a detention anyway.

This. The gap between start of the day and each break is usually no more than 2.5-3 hours. If she is soaking through a heavy duty tampon AND a large pad in 2.5-3hrs she needs to go to the doctor.
It sounds like she might need to be super organised on these days and visit the loo as she arrives on site then at every break. Not just putting on fresh protection when she gets up at for eg 6.30 then getting caught short at 10.45 before break.

OP please contact the school and speak to the head. This is outrageous. If she needs to she needs to go, instead, because of this policy she was left to feel humiliated. I would be livid.

You beef girls with an intact hymen would also struggle with a moon cup. It’s also not that rare tbh to have your cervix tilt. I can push a tampon in till it touches my cervix and I can still feel it, it’s so uncomfortable. I had to use one when wedding dress shopping as I was in my underwear a lot with the assistant and didn’t want a pad showing. I was straight to the nearest loo afterwards to remove it.

My daughter won't use a mooncup, she said "I'd die if I got blood on my hands taking it out and had to wash it off my hands at the sink while everyone's in there doing their make up."

Dying might seem dramatic but at 12 she's not the most confident in bodily functions in public. I was a very confident teen (a bit of a little shit really) but not sure even I'd have wanted to wash blood off my hands in view of people.

I absoloutley understand why schools have to be so draconian. I get it.

I just think with menstruating female students the trade off has to be allowing those who say they need to go to the toilet for period related reasons. Even if it means some girls will use that as an excuse.

Wow! The replies on this thread are astonishing! Girls shouldn't be having to wear 3 or 4 sanitary products, they should be able to use the toilet when needed!
I have this problem at my childrens school. I have told my children that if the need is dire and they've been refused access to the toilet, to just go. This was after my 14 year old son PHONED me in class to say he had a funny tummy and his teacher was not allowing him out. He was scared stiff he was going to soil himself and as a last resort phoned me. I told him to go to the toilet and I would give him permission. I fought the detentions also and I would do it again if needed. I'm not having my children sitting worrying at school over a bodily function.

The majority of you are being very inconsiderate. This is a child. I didn’t find it comfortable using tampons until adulthood.

At my age now (and since 12 years old) day 2 is horrific and I can leak through a super tampon and a night pad in an hour or two. If I was made to wait 3 hours between changes I would leak all the time. I have leaked on my car seat before which was embarrassing, but thankfully I could sort it myself. Had it been a customers vehicle I would have been mortified. Why are we not allowing young girls bodily autonomy?

I work full time and have done since 18, and I have never ever been told I cannot go to the toilet. I appreciate these rules are because some teenagers and children get silly in toilets, but for god sake - No one should be scared to ask to go to the toilet for fear of leaking.

OP I agree with you, if you can’t get a toilet pass she absolutely needs the confidence to walk out and explain afterwards, especially with your backing!

Surely that is sexual discrimination?

She gets to school at 8:15, break at 10:15, lunch at 1:15.

She's only 12 though and doesn't feel comfortable with a tampon, nevermind a heavy duty one. It's tough because it would solve this occasional problem but equally forcing young girls to insert products they aren't comfortable with isn't an answer either.

Hopefully these girls will pluck up the courage to say out loud: "I am having a heavy period and have just flooded through my pad and onto the chair."

The more girls who have been given the courage to say this the better and the less of a big deal it will be. The boys in the class and the male teachers need to get a grip on this.

I remember - so vividly, even 40 years later - being 14 and sitting in class in complete horror as a flood of blood soaked my skirt and puddled onto my chair. Luckily I was able to run home and change over lunchtime. It's appalling that girls are still being subjected to this today. Especially in schools that seem to have an "anything goes" policy when it comes to PSHE/Sex Ed, but don't give a damn about the practical reality of the privacy that girls need and the fragility of their dignity when it comes to period shame.

This thread is getting close to victim blaming. "She should have used better protection".

All the courage in the world won't stop half the boys taking the piss afterwards. I remember a girl leaking through her trousers at my school, you could see it from behind and the lads were awful about it. We found a spare jumper from lost property and gave it to her to tie round her waist for the rest of the day.

We forget how hard being a teen can be when we're out the other side I think.

It's really disgusting that girls are being made to suffer indignity like this around periods. In fact I would argue that it's blatant sex discrimination.

A girl also shouldn't have to use tampons if she doesn't want to or doesn't feel comfortable.

My first port of call would be her head of year, to get her a toilet pass. I would be blunt about what it's needed for, and point out what happened yesterday. You won't be the first mother they've heard from. If they say they need medical evidence, I would say she needs a pass now, not in a month when she can get an appointment, and then I'd escalate to the head if they get difficult. Most teachers are reasonable about this stuff, regardless of what the official policy says. Phone them now. It's their job to deal with it.

Second if flooding/very heavy bleeding is a problem, there are things that can be done to help. Some of it can be just getting used to managing periods, but endometriosis can be present at this age and cause heavy bleeding, and it's also not uncommon for teenage girls to have cycles where they don't ovulate because their reproductive system is still maturing, and this can cause heavy bleeding (that does get better as they get older). A GP can help with this. So many teenage girls are on the pill primarily to enable them to manage their periods at school, because the school environment simply isn't period friendly. Not enough toilets, restricted access to them, no where to clean yourself up properly etc etc.

For those baffled by the notion that you could wear an entire pack of pads at once and still flood/leak everywhere, count yourselves lucky (as someone with adeno/endo who regularly passed clots the size of my palm and had leaks/accidents even in my 30's).

It's people like you in education that is cause a mental health crisis in young people.

Schools are disgusting, controlling environments causing actual truma to too many young people

I don't even think it has to be about periods. Any teenager in a school could have a desperate need for a toilet for a variety of different reasons. It's a weird power trip for teachers to say no.

On my first day I wouldn't have been able to get through from 8.15 to 10.15, let alone 10.15 to 1.15.

And even with enough pads to make you feel you're wearing a nappy, you can feel when they're getting soaked, and the worry about whether they'll hold out is not conducive to learning.

No, that’s too complicated. It shouldn’t be like that. She shouldn’t be planning anything, but should be counting on the decency, of the grown ups around, to let her go without this nonsensical restrictions. Instead, she was made to feel humiliated. Some people have just much heavier periods and that is their normal, and sometimes you are just caught off guard. Grown women at work, can go to the toilets if this need arises, would out having to get permission to sort themselves self out. You wouldn’t sit at your desk or in your meeting whilst you were about to have a leakage, that would seep through your clothes onto your chair. You wouldn’t sit excuse yourself and just go. Why can’t this be afforded to the girls, in this situation, in schools? Such nonsense.

@PyjamaFiasco for now I'd echo pp who suggests a pad and period pants.

So many teenage girls are on the pill primarily to enable them to manage their periods at school, because the school environment simply isn't period friendly. Does anyone think this is acceptable?

Ask the GP to prescribe tranexamic acid for the bleeding. Also buy your daughter some period pants so she can wear pads inside them to prevent leakage.

I haven’t RTFT, but it seems that schools need more female toilets, if the girls are having to queue for so long that they miss lunch or are late for lessons.

I never experienced this issue when I was at secondary school in the 60’s, and we were absolutely not allowed to leave a lesson for the loo. AFAIK, we also didn’t have ‘toilet passes’. How does that even work? Holding up a card to be excused? That must be really embarrassing.

I think the availability of various items of san pro today is far superior to the bulky looped pads and elastic sanitary belts of my teenage years. Hopefully the use of period pants in conjunction with tampons and/or super absorbent pads should suffice for the majority.

I am hoping that things are changing and that girls can be strongly encouraged to speak up without embarrassment - I do remember what being a teen girl feels like, both having been one myself and having 3 DDs who were once teens. I have the impression that boys are more in the loop about periods and more understanding - certainly my DGSs are. It is something that is openly discussed.

I really want girls not to have to be embarrassed and to be encouraged to speak out.

Could you arrange with the school either for her to have a pass (at least while she has her period) or for a note from home to be sufficient (so you write a note which she can show to the teacher). Agree with others that this policy doesn't take account of girl's needs and you should press for a solution for all girls not just your daughter.