DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. T

And never ever ever greet your husband with a print out of how to look after his kid when he walks in the door from work.

You should try reading the OPs posts before siding with their OH

I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family.

This is the bottom line of the problem. Your life is boring dull and unfulfilling, and your conversation. is limited to boring, dull and unfulfilling subjects. You need to get back to work and use your brain a bit.
FWIW this isn't your fault. Your husband should have encouraged this rather than continue on and on.

Read the thread. Spectacularly unhelpful suggestion ffs.

I don't understand why you wait in hope to go to certain places, why don't you just say, "grab your coat, we're going to x!" If I didn't do this my husband and I would never, ever go anywhere.

Oh this is awful. I've reported it in the hope it's deleted before the op sees. At least read the ops posts before sharing your 'wisdom'. She's being abused and the last thing someone being abused needs is for some absolute dickhead to tell her she needs to do better.

Ps. Broken dishwasher/washing machine - in built insolescence means these things now really just need to be replaced. You don't need your husband to do it, just go on the Currys website and order new ones. Pay for fitting and removal of old ones. Bosch is a great brand.
If money is tight then FB marketplace is good but they are heavy so you need your husband and one of his friends to do the grunt work.

Read the OP’s posts. She has no access to money. She is being financially abused.

It does sound like you're going round and round talking about the same topics with him all the time. Your location suggestions, by your own admission, are boring.

Ask yourself what would you be talking about if you didn't have kids or a load of house stuff on your plate?

I think a lot of women will tell you he's an arsehole, but in reality this is how marriages go stale. Yes he could put in more effort, so could you. Having 3 kids is a lot; but if you want a good relationship after all the kids have grown up a bit and have some independence then start to make a conscious effort to vary the conversation and rhythm of your life now.

For the posters who can't read any more than the first post before sharing their wisdom...

THE

OP

IS

BEING

ABUSED

FINANCIALLY

SHE

HAS

NO

MONEY

TO

'JUST DO THIS'

Reported it???? I've panicked and gone back through OP posts (thinking ive missed something myself)... all 2 of them, one of which states she doesn't have access to the account, which i wouldn't be happy with personally, but you're massively jumping to conclusions saying she's abused. All of this posters advice that youve reported is still totally valid.

I'm a SAHM too. We discuss all new home purchases of things above 50 quid to keep us on budget as funds are tight. My partner has recently ordered us new curtains himself even though he is the one that 'works' (as though looking after little children and cleaning and cooking 7am-7pm isnt work) because he is equally interested in the house we live in.
I get your husband not caring what brand of dishwasher you go for if I was him but if he needs to supply money then he does need to be in the conversation. Also, 30 minutes per week to discuss the children and the house you both live in is laughable at best. Does he not like hearing what the children get up to each day? Does he not like them...i would feel very silenced and sad if I heard that and would be petty and stop asking him how his day was/how was work etc in reaponse.

Your relationship doesn’t sound equal. You are at home with the kids but no access to finances. A huge alarm bell is ringing over that one. I would work on making your world larger if that’s what you want through other parents etc. Has he made your world smaller? I would think in normal circumstances you could book places to visit if your the organised one and the same with broken appliances. But this is shouting control.

You should have access to family money. Not having access means your h is financially abusive.

You are sacrificing your career to bring up your h's kids. What's he sacrificing?

He sounds like a lazy twat, not 'laid-back'. How is the rest of your relationship??

I'd talk to Women's Aid. And confide in family or friends.

You deserve much better.

Read the OP's posts, you idiot.

No. She is 100% being financially abused.

Has he suddenly changed ?
Now that you're on the 4th child ?

Can you order a new dishwasher / repair
Same with washing machine and hoover.
He must earn decent money if you're able to stay at home with four children ?

This needs to change. Do you have any money at all ??
This is financial abuse.

You have no access to money AND don’t drive? OP wtf are you doing.

this conversation is the least of your worries. You need to find your agency and independence asap

You sound trapped (no access to family finances?! WTF).
Being with him has made your world small, seemingly.
How are you expected to have anything interesting or different to talk about when you don't have the financial means to go and do different and interesting things?!
Your husband sounds like a 🌵.

Yes I agree with the assumption she's being abused.

The OP was very quick to come back and justify why she didn't just replace stuff by saying she didn't have access to money but hasn't come back since. Of course, we don't really know whether she does have access to money or not. I'm surprised that she doesn't have at least some money for everyday essentials to be honest.

Oh you've got bigger problems that you think

Why don't you have access to money?

Why are you isolated?

Could you learn to drive?

How often do you see your family?

he is laid back so he sees these things are casual uncomfortable things which need fixing but for you it has become your religion. Why is this? You don't have your own money to go out and enjoy you time or...what is the reason behind your obsession with your 4 walls

No, not by accident. Women should not quit work to be stay at home without a solid plan If they do make a decision to quit work, this decision should be evaluated very frequently to assess if it is still the right plan. Not helpful to the OP, but we should really teach our children to rely on themselves. Relationships can be unpredictable

Wish you well OP. Hope you get yourself out of this situation. Lots of people have offered helpful advice

I just read the two replies of the poster and her not come back...that is sad, pregnant, house bound and no money