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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

275 replies

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 11:21

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 04/02/2025 13:53

I was going to say as the person at home mainly using the items I’d expect you to deal with it and sort replacements/repair/council collection.
Not having access to money is a huge red flag.
It doesn’t sound like either if you are happy.
In your situation I’d be rethinking being a SAHM.

its2025 · 04/02/2025 13:54

LadyCrumb · 04/02/2025 12:12

So you could say: 'I was thinking about what you said about me being boring and only talking about home stuff, so I have come up with a plan. Give me the bank details and I'll get it all sorted myself. I also want to take up a <non house based> hobby so I can get out of the house more, so I need driving lessons. Also let's get a babysitter and go out to the theatre/cinema together'.

His response to that should clarify things for you.

Was your previous career something you could pick up a few mornings a week? You need some financial independence

Edited

Yep This just about nails it.Its the only reply you need.

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/02/2025 13:54

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 12:01

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

Yes my world I small now. I had a very active social life and successful career before I married. But moved to this new city and have always struggled to settle here. Don't know many people here, and my family are in another city.

We don't go out to cafés. We barely go out together at all. That's his choosing. I don't drive and leaving the house alone with young children is hard.

4 children with this man!

Ddakji · 04/02/2025 14:01

There’s just a sort of grim inevitability to these posts, isn’t there? Just as you’re wondering “why on earth is she having a 4th child with this man” up pops that he’s financially abusing her.

This is no help to them OP but we’ve got to do better in educating our daughters. 15 years reading MN and I’m still seeing women getting themselves into situations like this. Getting their children into situations like this.

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 14:03

Always these type of posts are about something really small and insignificant. Which OP should be able to sort
And then as you read further..
So sick of men thinking family.money is their money.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 14:08

If you’re an SAHM, why haven’t you organised getting the household appliances fixed?

And maybe he doesn’t like IKEA or antique shops.

What did you do together before you had children? I understand your frustration but OTOH, your worldview sounds very limited. That’s inevitable when the DC are babies and toddlers. What are your plans for when your DC start school?

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 04/02/2025 14:09

He wants a stay at home wife but he doesn't give you the tools to do your job effectively.

Would you expect an office worker to do their job around a broken computer for a year?

Also you not having access to joint finances is unacceptable

rubyslippers · 04/02/2025 14:09

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 14:08

If you’re an SAHM, why haven’t you organised getting the household appliances fixed?

And maybe he doesn’t like IKEA or antique shops.

What did you do together before you had children? I understand your frustration but OTOH, your worldview sounds very limited. That’s inevitable when the DC are babies and toddlers. What are your plans for when your DC start school?

Because she has no access to money as her husband is financially abusing her

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 14:09

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 14:08

If you’re an SAHM, why haven’t you organised getting the household appliances fixed?

And maybe he doesn’t like IKEA or antique shops.

What did you do together before you had children? I understand your frustration but OTOH, your worldview sounds very limited. That’s inevitable when the DC are babies and toddlers. What are your plans for when your DC start school?

He. Won't. Give. Her. Any. Money.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 14:12

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

OK so there’s a big drip feed. And the real problem. What can you do about this @Adana22 ? You’re being financially abused. That’s what you need to be asking the wise women of MN about - and probably not in AIBU - post the main predicament in Relationships and you’ll get wisdom, and support from those who’ve been through this.

Bubblyb00b · 04/02/2025 14:13

Wow, this doesn't sound good at all. You are doing all the housework, looking after kids, have no money, dont drive - and he is not even bothered with getting new appliances to make your life easier! Doesn't help, by the sound of it, and having a go for you not to be interesting enough for him. But obviously sufficiently "interesting" to get you pregnant 4 times in a row.

You need access to money, driver's licence and a car, and some help so you can go to work/ go out without kids. If he is not willing to assist, you need to get out. Seriously.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 14:13

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 14:03

Always these type of posts are about something really small and insignificant. Which OP should be able to sort
And then as you read further..
So sick of men thinking family.money is their money.

Yup - I just read the follow up post. Big drip feed possibly because it’s too hard to acknowledge being abused …

whatapalarva · 04/02/2025 14:17

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 12:01

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

Yes my world I small now. I had a very active social life and successful career before I married. But moved to this new city and have always struggled to settle here. Don't know many people here, and my family are in another city.

We don't go out to cafés. We barely go out together at all. That's his choosing. I don't drive and leaving the house alone with young children is hard.

First thing to fix is your access to family finances... jeez woman its 2025 not 1945!!

Dror · 04/02/2025 14:20

So many people aren't bothering to click to view the OPs replies before typing a comment.

OP you'd be better starting a thread about this man financially abusing you and keeping you isolated and utterly dependent.
Could you speak to your midwife about what the abuser is doing?

snowflakelake · 04/02/2025 14:23

I started a reply about Hoovers but saw the issue was actually that you are in a financially abusive relationship.

Talk to your midwife about your current situation and get help. What he is doing is illegal.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/02/2025 14:24

I wonder if he ever considers what it might take for you to enjoy your time with him.

For the love of God, stop having kids with him.

Klyket · 04/02/2025 14:26

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 14:09

He. Won't. Give. Her. Any. Money.

Show quote history

And yet she keeps getting pregnant! Contraception is free in this country. Why do some women just expect to be taken care of by men! So after kid number 1, 2, 3, you didn’t think, hang on, this is not a good idea! By OP’s own admission, she has no idea of the status of family finances but she just goes ahead and gets pregnant again.

People screaming abuse! Did you actually have a conversation with this man about being a SAHP? Did you discuss finances? Did you both agree on this strategy as a family or did you just present to him your wishes? Women need to stop behaving like small children and expecting to be taken care of. You’re just as capable as men when it comes to providing for yourselves and for your family.

Cakeandusername · 04/02/2025 14:27

Maybe start a post in relationships. Even though your family aren’t local are you in touch with them?
You need to speak to someone op. 4 kids, no access to money, not able to drive, no family locally you are very vulnerable.

AggyPanthusRita · 04/02/2025 14:29

You don’t have access to family finances and you don’t drive. Please remedy ideally both of those as soon as possible. Why do women let themselves get into situations like these?

snowflakelake · 04/02/2025 14:30

Women need to stop behaving like small children and expecting to be taken care of. You’re just as capable as men when it comes to providing for yourselves and for your family.

She isn't being taken care of and has no access to family finances.
Someone needs to look after the dc they have and I can't see her DH doing this, he doesn't even want to talk about family issues.
It's quite possible she would be much better off by herself but leaving an abusive relationship and setting up on your own with four small dc when you have no money isn't going to be easy.
Leaving abusive relationships isn't easy.

diddl · 04/02/2025 14:39

So effectively he doesn't want to talk about his own kids.

His disinterest is to the point that he needs printed instructions re what one of the eats.

Christ alive.

What a bloody mess.

diddl · 04/02/2025 14:39

AggyPanthusRita · 04/02/2025 14:29

You don’t have access to family finances and you don’t drive. Please remedy ideally both of those as soon as possible. Why do women let themselves get into situations like these?

It's not just that-it's bring kids into it as well!

DazzlingCuckoos · 04/02/2025 14:41

Golden407 · 04/02/2025 13:45

Why doesn't op fix it?

Show quote history

Because she has no means of paying the person to come to fix it!

Padamae · 04/02/2025 14:41

It sounds like he's not bothered about those things because they don't affect him. He thinks you are overly invested/ focused on things and doesn't see that they are important because they have no bearing on his life.

It will be interesting to see if he changes his mind when you give birth? I would be inclined to down tools, need extra rest etc so that he has to do all the stuff that you do and sees the implications of not having things that work, having to clean up a leak every time you do a load of washing etc.

I think it must be very easy for someone who is on the outside to not understand how all consuming small children are. How you don't have any other topic of conversation, because that is your entire world and there is no other topic. Or how life is just about getting from one day to the next and making things as easy as possible.