DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

No, it’s not easy but why get to kid number 4 before you realise this isn’t working well? Should have gone back to work after baby number 1 and no access to income! Why put all the responsibility on the man?

Dear DH - my life has shrunk into your shadow - I have no access to family funds to pay for essential items for our home, no support from you to parent our joint children, no friends, no hobbies and no ability to make changes to my own life. When we embarked on this family and parenting adventure, I imagined we would be doing this as a team, instead you tell me that you do not want me to talk about our house and our children but instead would like a 30 minute update on a weekly basis. If this is the case, please find attached a spreadsheet with all of the current outstanding issues that you are the only person who can resolve, the second tab has an update on each child and the third tab is where I am keeping an account of the amounts I owe you, for housing and feeding me as well as the amounts that you owe me, for bearing your children, providing 24/7 care and housekeeping services. As this amounts to full time work for 3 people, you will see that this far outweighs the amount that I owe you. In the last tab, I have set out a proposal as to how we can address your concerns that we do not have anything to talk to each other about. As soon as the items on the first list have been addressed and the amounts due to me are paid as well as a standing order into the joint account so that I can action those items on the first tab, without your input, I will begin to address the issues on the 'how my wife can be more interesting' tab. I think this will take more than the allotted 30 minutes, for the first meeting so I suggest that you address these first, before we have the next debrief, going forward, once the payments are in place, I do not see that more than 30 minutes will be necessary. Please note, the employment of the staff to support me, in the absence of husband support, may take more than a month to sort, but once these three positions have been filled, I think things will run very smoothly. Yours Adana

I was also wondering why you didn't just fix the washing machine, dishwasher and vacuum or get new ones (as I'd really struggle if mine didn't work) - but you can't as he doesn't give you any money. And you're permanently pregnant. Literally pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen. This is really concerning, OP. Have you ever had a conversation with your partner about money and why he's holding the purse strings? Can you not afford to get those things fixed, or is it just that he doesn't care because it's your problem and not his? What happens with food shopping etc? How do you pay for that - or does he do this too? It really sounds like you're being coercively controlled and financially abused.

I wouldn't say it's a drip feed. OP has only posted twice on this thread and I fear that she isn't going to return.

He's ground her down so far that she thought, at the start of posting this, that the ability to have a conversation about something other than kids was the biggest concern she had.

Now she's possibly just realised that she's being financially abused and/or controlled.

It's probably his choice and not hers. It's completely by-the-book coercive control to keep your wife permanently pregnant with no money as it makes her completely dependent on the abuser.

" I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint "

"Men don't do hints" is the only sweeping generalisation I know that is 100% correct.

Yes it’s heart-breaking - both because @Adana22 doesn’t see the real problem and because in 2025 men still try to do this shit. And women still succumb to it - like the boiling frog.

You’ve decided to quit work and have a large family. I can’t see child number four bringing him increased happiness as that will require even more scheduling and less time to talk about frivolous stuff. I honestly don’t know what to suggest as you’ve hung yourself out to dry here really. He is telling you he’s not happy and I guess you are going to have to try and loosen up a bit to find some middle ground.

Staggeringly ignorant and offensive post.

Do you think the OP is in this boat by accident?

Read up on abuse.

OP, my great grandmother living back in the early 1900s had access to the family finances. It's really not normal and not right for a husband to be so controlling with money.

Diddums wants you to talk with him about himself, how wonderful he is, how great his job is, and how you love being married to such a prince among men.

Meanwhile you have a sore back, are gestating his fourth child, and several of your household appliances don't work, no doubt contributing to your workload and adding to your physical discomfort.

Your sensible preparations for when he's in charge while you're in hospital remind him that he's a husband and father, which apparently he chafes at.

Tell him you'll be raring to go on the dates he has planned for you as soon as the washing machine and dishwasher are repaired or replaced, when you have a new hoover that doesn't make your back hurt, and when you have delivered his baby and come back to a sparkling clean house, contented children, and a much improved attitude on his part which will include evidence of his complete commitment to home and family, and appreciation for the work you do for everyone.

Meanwhile, make yourself less available at home to carry it all, and be more assertive. Book yourself into some classe, make it plain that you're going to be unavailable on an evening or two every week, or a weekend morning or afternoon (you are going to leave the house and the kids to him and go and out your feet up somewhere, even if it's your local library where you will sit and leaf through magazines for three or four hours).

Yes to this.

Do you have parents? Siblings? Other relatives?
Have you ever talked to them about the conditions he is subjecting you to? It is hard, but you need to start talking to people who love you and care for you, and ask for their help and support.

No, it sounds like he is financially and emotionally abusing her. She has not isolated herself, and she has not asked him to keep her from being a co-manager of the family finances.

Am I the only one wondering how the OP manages to go out anywhere (get oldest child to school, etc) when she doesn't drive and has 3 children with another on the way? How is this manageable?

How about teaching boys how to be civilised human beings?

So many of them seem to be unaware of this key to happiness.

She doesn't have access to the bank account. She is a victim of financial abuse.

There are plenty of civilised men who still have women who want to be looked after and have someone else do everything for them.

They don't want to learn about finances or get dishwashers fixed and seem to live in some Prince Charming fantasy where everything is magically paid for and sorted out on its own while they post cute baby photos on Instagram all day.

Women trap themselves on a daily basis.

@Adana22

You need to talk to your midwife as a matter of urgency. I presume you are booked in and attend pre natal appointments.

Tell your midwife that you have a house full of broken appliances, a husband who refuses you access to the family finances, and also refuses to discuss the issues you're facing - in fact has tried to silence you when you bring up household matters and important things to do with the children.

Ask for support and help.

This has gone beyond the issue of lack of dates. You are being abused.

FFS.

Tell me you know and understand nothing of misogyny and abuse without telling me you know and understand nothing of misogyny and abuse...

Do you honestly not understand that abuse never restrains itself to one discrete area of a relationship?

A woman who is being financially abused, who is isolated, who has very little contact with the outside world, is being destroyed little by little, every single day. This woman has already been forced to accept that she must put up with broken appliances and being powerless to get them fixed. She is being emotionally and psychologically abused, and that has effects that are all-encompassing. Her self esteem is in the drain.

Men need to stop treating women like chattel, like maidservants or skivvies. Men need to stop abusing women. This is not a problem caused by women.

Women do not trap themselves.

A man who won't take care of basics of the home or honour, cherish, and respect the woman he asked to be his life partner is not a civilized man.

He's lower than a brute, with an overactive imagination and a massive ego problem.

Your second post renders all the posts above it pointless.

You are being financially abused and are trapped. As a result of him. And then he has the gall to complain about things that are completely created by him.

You know him op.

If you feel you can say 'I hear you that you don't want to talk about minutia about dishwashers. I can stop that by having full access to family funds and I'll sort that out myself. I also understand that as a result of my only doing kids and home, I don't have anything else to talk about. So I have decided that every Sunday morning I'll take some time out to visit some galleries I want to see, alone, and then I'll have things to talk about.'

If you feel you can't say that/he'd hit the roof etc then you need to call women's aid and get your ducks in a row to leave.

Oh behave @Klyket
It's blindingly obvious to anyone who isn't a complete simpleton/misogynist to read between the very obvious lines here, and some actually detailed, to see the abuse.

OP, do you have any idea what the finances are like, ie are all the bills being paid, are there savings and is there anything left over at the end of the month. You're a family unit, staying at home to look after three children, clean/sort household stuff out, cook, all of which benefits DH as well. So from that point of view if there's any money left over, you should have some spending money, even if you decide to use it for taking the children to mother&toddler where you could build up relationships.

You need to talk to him, tell him that's what you're talking about because it's your world and your job. You'd love to discuss things you can do together with him, plan and do them and also if he gives you money you'll go out in the evening and find a new interest which you can talk about (leaving him for four children, who are his, so he should take his turn!).

They may still be too small for school if she’s had close together. Op says it is difficult to get out with the children. She sounds very vulnerable, potentially stuck at home not seeing anyone with 3 soon to be 4 children.
The fact she feels he needs typed notes to care for his own toddler is another red flag. It’s type of scenario where women don’t seek medical treatment or discharge themselves early as they know the dh can’t care for the existing children.

OP i'm with your dh here.

It's very easy to get all consumed with kids but you need to pay your dh a bit of attention to and change the subject occasionally.

Make an effort at dinner time to discuss something new. Watch the news and talk about current affairs. When was the last time you asked him what his opinion about the war in Ukraine was?

And get someone in to fix broken stuff if you can't fix it yourself. He's been working all day.