The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

I completely agree, I don't think children are raised to understand respect and authority often anymore. Children seem to be raised now to think their respect should be earned, when I think respect for adults should be automatic frankly,unless proven otherwise, not the other way around. I was raised to understand parents, teachers, police etc were authority, I didn't want to disappoint them. Some kids no me just have no fear or concern and it creates a complete sense of entitlement.

Just look at behaviour in the classroom, absolutely no shits given about how they disrupt other learners or the impact on teachers.

I completely believe that's a direct result of too soft parenting.

I have a friend whose 3 year old never fails to attempt to hurt my son when we meet (my son is 1yo). The last time was an attempt to crush him behind a door, even after the gentle attempt to explain to him that pushing my son behind the door might hurt him.

Gentle parenting doesn't work for all circumstances. Sometimes kids need to hear a good sharp no.

It can't help that in lots of families both parents work full time.

When children are younger there is wrap around care but get to secondary school and there is none.

How much time is there for parenting when you finish work at 5 or 5:30 and need to sort dinner, laundry, house admin etc.

Senior school children finish at 3pm around here. Who is parenting them for hours and hours a week. The internet!!!

The devil makes work for idle hands

I wonder if the behaviour issue is as much about parents spending too much time on social media, rather than the children. Parents on phones are not going to be picking up on bad behaviour at a young age, not giving as much attention, etc.

A very powerful quote I heard recently is that you blame the environment BEFORE you blame the individual - if there is a barrier to progress.

We should NOT be finding fault with children before we’ve examined every possible environmental cause for lack of progress.
And we - as adults are responsible for that environment. Whether that means boundaries, discipline, providing a loving home or putting their needs above our own.

Solve the parenting crisis and you’ll solve the SEN crisis. A huge amount of SEN is behaviour - whether it’s a reaction to poor parenting, or a reaction to being forced to share a classroom with those with poor parenting.

Oh it's been at least 5 minutes since parents of SEN children were last bashed by someone who likely knows absolutely nothing about SEN, nor the 'system' that is supposed to support them. As the parent of two children with SEN in mainstream education, I can confidently say that neither of them has ever knifed anyone, nor threatened to knife anyone. In fact, with the right support in place (paid for privately, by us, because waiting lists are so long) they are thriving as well adjusted members of society. So take your ill informed and ablelist comments somewhere else.

I don't know if its screens per se (although ultra shortform content is absolutely bad for brain development) as the fact that screentime provides an easy opt-out of natural socialization by imitating some of the dopamine we get from real interaction. In a natural situation, young children socialize each other, to an extent. I have a cousin that when we were small we used to refer to with a nickname that translates to "the 'mine' girl" (it sounds much better in original language). Because she wouldn't share and tried to claim everything. So the rest of us (siblings, cousins, friends) essentially stopped playing with her, until she started sharing. Slightly brutal, maybe, but that's kind of how socialization works - if you consistently behave in a way that only benefits yourself at the expense of the group, you get excluded until you modify your behaviour. Nowadays I guess the excluded kid would just pick up an ipad.

Totally agree
wr have kids demanding a maccies breakfast to go to SATs practice
or kids laughing in your face or ignoring a simple request

Society as a whole is collapsing and parents are caught in the struggle.

Closure of sure start centres hasn't helped people get advice or be able to attend free playgroups. I remember going to a group where the session had a HV so you could weigh the baby and talk to them about any worries, there were also staff talking to parents while they sat with the babies/young children, you were able to see age appropriate toys and the sessions ended with singing nursery rhymes which again some parents may feel awkward doing alone. Now I notice that the sure start centre is closed, the library has self weigh scales so while you can check a babies weight there is no one to speak to.

Social media and technology is also a concern. 'role models' like Andrew Tate expose young minds to worrying behaviours. Young children are often glued to devices too as parents feel this is the only way they can cope. In supermarkets rather than talking to a child about what items parents are picking up and putting in the trolley, many children now seem to be handed a phone to watch bluey while also eating the (unpaid for) food.

Education is in a right mess. There are so many children with sen needs in mainstream schools that simply should not be there. Their needs are not met and they are effectively being babysat, while also taking time from other children who might have lesser needs in comparison but still in need of support, but don't get it because the class is rammed full (33 in my daughter's class) and unless they are capable to get on with it they are left to struggle. Teachers are overwhelmed with these needs and often have no support as funding has meant no class TAs so children aren't given intervention to help them catch up or learn in a smaller group.
Parents then also take up time complaining of the smallest issue which then needs investigating and then turns out to be a non issue or something the parent is unhappy with the outcome when it is found their child was not telling the truth. Rather than apologising they then blame the teacher still 'my child is not comfortable with that adult'.
This is actually a ticking time bomb as what are we going to do when this future generation are unable to work because they don't want to follow the rules of a workplace and can't keep a job (e.g. don't want to wear the uniform, starts too early, phones have to be placed in a locker), or anxiety means they don't attend (again some children do have genuine anxiety issues, but this seems to now be a term used so frequently it detracts attention from those who really need the support. Parents also forget it is good to be anxious, it would be concerning if a child wasn't anxious about their A level exam for example.)

Cost of living. Parents generally both work whereas in the past more children had a parent at home or working school hours. This again means parents are exhausted and more willing to let children have devices rather than interact with them. Consumerism also doesn't help and the whole keeping up with the Jones'. Everyone wants the latest thing and wants it immediately. Despite having a lack of money, many people seem to afford the latest items as they don't want to be left out and this is prioritised against other needs. This focus on items means people forget the important things in life like spending time with others.

Diet, again linked to the point above. Healthy foods such as fruit can be expensive. Time to cook from scratch is unavailable so more people give in to fast food and ready meals. It is worrying what some children come to school with for breakfast (fizzy, chocolate, cake). This poor diet I think does link to behaviour (sugar, processed foods) so if a child has had chocolate for breakfast they are going to crash once that sugar rush has gone and they are addicted to it.

Immediate gratification. Since COVID it seems people have become more impatient. My partner works in a garage and the number of people that bring their car in for whatever reason seem baffled that they have to wait/come back later. Even for a MOT people seem to think it will be done instantly. Same as in restaurants people can no longer wait (hence phones out) whereas in the past people would have talked. Children observe this and believe they are the priority. Some adults take out their impatience on staff, being abusive hoping this will speed things up. Which children observe and then think is an ok way to speak to others.
To me there is generally a lack of respect and understanding and people have become more selfish and only think about themselves.

@Whatafustercluck

I agreed with that comment though, and I have a child with an EHCP. I didn’t take it as bashing. My DS similarly is very gentle and would never hold a knife.
BUT the biggest impact with DS is addressing his environment before finding fault with him as an individual.

And I think a lot of children are given an SEN label with somehow sees them as the ‘fault’ rather than the environment.

Personally I think there are a number of factors, and there will be a range of reasons behind each poorly behaved child. However, I do think there are possibly some common societal factors at play here… lack of discipline and parental supervision, the internet, social media, stress at home, exposure to violence, normalisation of violence, gangs, lack of moral development, poor self-esteem and emotional regulation, poor mental health…

(I studied forensic psychology).

I don't agree. My son had a horrendous time at school and the only way I could get his life back on an even keel was to remove him from the system.

I couldn't parent him properly when he was at school because he was totally overwhelmed and I just spent all his time at home helping him to cope and be calm and ready for the next day.

Now he's out of school he's turning into a proper person now and I can now set boundaries.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with your post at all. I think we have a schooling crisis.

A label, or a diagnosis? Because a diagnosis is like rocking horse shit. Which leaves people to self diagnose (correctly, in most cases - contrary to the mn narrative constantly pushed).

@TartanTrewses

Also I very strongly agree there is a schooling crisis.

I think there's a "stigma" against parenting courses which desperately needs to end.

My son has some additional needs and last year nursery recommended one to help us. He wasn't totally out of control or anything but we were struggling and the "general" advice wasn't really cutting it. It was really good, even just having a set time to focus on the course and really take in the different ideas they presented, it made much more sense than when we'd just tried to wade through pages and pages of Google searches!

But when I mentioned it to people, some were really shocked. "You don't need a course, you're not terrible parents!" And such like.

People on here get extremely offended if anyone suggests a course. But why, really? You know that annecdote EVERYONE has, about coming home from the hospital and being really scared, feeling like "omg how have they just let us LEAVE, we don't know wtf we're doing"?! That's really natural because it's all new and every child is different. If you get a new job or wanted to learn a new craft or a different language, you'd take a course without questioning it. I think the idea that everyone should INSTINCTIVELY know what to do with their kids is wrong.

Obviously things like brushing their teeth and feeding them should be straightforward, but what about when things are more complicated - they fall in with the wrong crowd, they're being bullied, their home life breaks down and they go off the rails? What if they start presenting additional needs or their mental health starts to suffer or your circumstances suddenly change and you're struggling to even do the basics? It should be ok to admit you need help and that helps should be available. I don't mean"the state" (or whoever) doing it for you, I mean you should be given the tools to help yourself and your family. And their shouldn't be a stigma about needing that help if you're ready to take it on for the good of your kids.

Many schools are horrific places to be but that's often because of horrific behaviour, which goes back to the idea of a parenting crisis.

I must be in a minority, we don’t see poor behaviour here and most children are raised in loving homes. I don’t see a crisis of any kind where I live. I accept it might be the case in other places.
Children here are well rounded, happy and doing well.

@Whatafustercluck

Even through diagnosis : I had one NHS paediatrician who wanted to diagnose ASD without an ADOS screening.

I insisted on the screening and a more experienced paediatrician.

The more experienced paediatrician didn’t diagnose after the ADOS screening.
This is shocking IMO.

I think that’s black and white thinking. Every school environment and child is different. Could it be that your son might be neurodivergent? I’m glad he’s doing better now!

I was wondering how long it would take someone to stick the boot into working mums. Depressingly predictable.

Being a working mum requires focus, dedication, organisation and commitment.

These are not usually characteristics associated with delinquency.

Absolutely sick to death of all the SEN bashing on these threads by those who are completely ignorant and have no idea what they're talking about @coxesorangepippin @shockeditellyou

Given that obtaining a diagnosis for SEN takes around 2 years in the UK, I doubt very much that there are parents going along with it for a jolly to label their kids, because they can't be arsed to parent them. In Wales it's a long process which involves a long parenting course designed to thin out those that are in it for a jolly. Followed by various meetings with various people as well as observation meetings. They're not handing out Autism diagnosises like sweets to anyone who wants one. There is clearly a rise in SEN kids for whatever reason and that needs to be addressed. I really despair for human kind when there are these trolls around. There is a complete lack of understanding and empathy for SEN kids and they are often labelled naughty which is so unfair.
My son has high functioning ASD. He was born with it. It's been obvious from day 1 and finally he was diagnosed at age 3. We don't have a TV, he doesn't have an iPad. We do all the things you are supposed to do as a parent but they don't work and yes we've tried everything from gentle parenting, to time outs, to shouting, to confiscating toys etc. We see a child psychologist once a fortnight to try new strategies. We put in 5x the energy and effort a parent with an NT kid does, and we make very very small steps of progress some times. But alot of the time we start all over again the next day. And I will add I'm a SAHM with a DH who WFH part time so we are always present.
"Better parenting" isn't going to "solve" my son's ASD @shockeditellyou.

I think screens are damaging teachers. A lot of screen based ‘Tapestry’, pretty worksheets and twinkl signage being laminated while all hell is breaking loose around them….

The other part to that is the constant pushing of the "rights of the child".
In Scotland the snp government push through multiple bills that stripped parents of all rights and autonomy (the named person bill and the rights of the child bill are just 2 of them) now both of these laws were struck down but it hasn't stopped the Scottish government and schools teaching kids that they have these non-existing rights (which causes no end of problems for parents) add to that we've got the constant government pushed crap about raising your voice (shouting) towards a child, removing Internet access (Internet access being a human right) and even calling out stupid behaviour as stupid are all forms of child abuse (according to the scot gov leaflets handed out at school), oh yes and that parents get no say in the childs life or medical decisions from age 14 onwards. The net result is many parents are to scared of being reported to SS if they do actually parent their child, it's a joke the ss up here are already under resourced and still get constant referrals from school for nonsense. I had them sent to my door by the high school for neglect of my then 15 year old nt dd because I had told her that if she didn't start bringing all of her dirty washing down when asked for it (as I was doing the washing then) she'd have to do it herself or wait until I was next doing a load, I don't know who was more outraged about the waste of time me or the sw, obviously the report was classed aa malicious. The problem in Scotland is parents are seeing and hearing about this from parents and their dc you've even got parents being hounded by school and ss if they won't give their dc puberty blockers. Then to top it off schools are basically prevented from expelling kids who are violent as they have a right to an education it's a joke up here.

@BackoffSusan

My experience with ASD diagnosis for DS was an absolute farce though.