The parenting crisis

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I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

It definitely starts with toddlerhood.
Start as you mean to go on.

Boundaries are so important.

@Mnetcurious the Social Media problem is such a significant issue for me. I despise it and see how dangerous and damaging it is for young people. My child is Autistic so it's ten times harder having to deal with begging non stop to have it and trying to make them understand in their black and white thinking why they can't have it but everyone else their age does. This is an almost weekly drama atm - begging for it. Nothing stops it.

I wish it was actually illegal and enforceable sometimes so that side of things would just go away. It's hard enough as it is for parents. SM companies knew exactly what they were doing getting kids totally hooked and addicted to this crap.

@Undrugged ummm where to start.

I’m strict with my own children - and I’ve been asked how they are so “well behaved” but I’ve also raised them to go with their instinct. They open up to me, but also they know I’m not a pushover. My eldest is a teen. That’s my experience. I was a working single mum - my kids were potty trained before going to school. Throughout primary school I kept an open dialogue with teachers. I do not expect teachers to parent my child.

One example - My eldest had a huge friendship issue at school which was affecting classroom time - the teacher called us parents in for a meeting both as a group and individually - and fortunately us mums got together (bar one because she believed her dd wasn’t the problem - years later they moved cities and we found out that her dd had huge issues with behaviour - my dd was reflecting and said she once asked the friendship group to piss in the playground! They didn’t but apparently this friend went ahead and did it - that was an extreme example but there were other things) and we as parents sorted it out individually at home, as a group outside school and with the school via the pastoral team. I didn’t take my child’s side because she was in the wrong, her behaviour with her friends was causing problems for other children - she was 6/7 years old - and she has never been involved in that kind of friendship drama again. Imagine if I took my daughters side and enabled her and her friends distruptive behaviour? Imagine if I told her she was right? She would have been smug and believed that she could get away with anything. And this is what I mean - there are scenarios where parents need to step in.

I know amazing parents who discipline their children. Now that my eldest is a teen I am meeting a lot of parents who take their children side when their child is wrong.

My view is lack of proper discipline. The gentle parenting movement is sooooo wrong.

Agree with all here. So many parents these days just don't bother to parent their kids, seem to think that using kind and gentle words will help the kids magically know how to raise themselves.

With a friend recently and her child snatched a toy off another. My friend knelt down and said to her three year old "what would be a kind way to behave around (other child)?". I was eye rolling, FFS. The child is three, you parent her, say no that's naughty, give the toy back. Naughty is a valid word!

Kids don't need to be treated with kid gloves like a delicate pot plant, they need to be parented, they need structure, boundaries, guidance, praise, criticism, discipline, love.

Similarly, kids need to be raised to have respect for their elders and people in professional roles. Their own family, neighbours, teachers, police, doctors, etc. This is how society works. You respect people and learn from them - they care for you, teach you, protect you. Most kids I know think their respect needs to be earned - from their school teacher?! The overwhelming fear of the bad apple has led to people rubbishing the whole crop.

My youngest teen's school is introducing the phone pouches so the phones get locked up when they arrive at school and unlocked when they leave school. A school near me was on the local news discussing its merits, the teenagers said they preferred it after a week as they socialised more and weren't so anxious.

My teens are pretty good on it but I do worry about it and their concentration span so encourage both of them to watch a film occasionally to understand characters and a plot. My eldest is probably on his phone more but as he is 18 he uses it in part for college communication, he's also a big reader and asked for a few non fiction books for Christmas so I'm not so worried as I would be if he wasn't reading.

Being kind is imperative to good behaviour though, if your teens have a decent moral code, they will be led by that, you don't need to enforce things.

@Tittat50 Inwas thinking about the SEN crisis. I have spoken to many parents who are going through this - and I do believe that is an entirely different issue altogether. I have seen that with the right support, children with SEN have thrived - I know a mum who had to get an external charity involved because the school were about to exclude her son whose ADHD seemed to have gotten worse (and was diagnosed) over covid. The mum herself admitted she had so much to learn and change. The school had to learn from this too - and needed the budget and budging. There aren’t enough charities, 121 support and I don’t know what the answer is. Something has to change internally.

What I do hate are parents that have badly behaved children, everyone knows it. The teacher calls the parent in and the parent forever defends the child. Fast forward to secondary school they tend to be the kids doing wheelies in the middle of the road and you wonder what the parents are doing.

Discipline does not need to be abuse (I know that some people abuse it but many don’t). It can be things like write an essay that explains why this is wrong. Removal of phones and TV time etc. Sitting out for a few hours to think about one’s action. Being told off - there is nothing wrong with telling off. Teaching - for example of a kid kicks a ball through someone’s window, getting them to watch the window being fixed (or the equivalent).

Discplining takes time and energy. I will always make time and have the energy to discipline my child because I want them to be a decent human being. It’s hard - and I agree you have to start when they are young.

Yes. It's the lack of consequences at home.

Plus the erosion of boundaries in our society.
Saying everyone's beliefs are valid and as good as anyone's, accepting practices and behaviours that are against the values and norms of the western society for cultural or religious reasons so we no longer know what is right and what is wrong nor can speak out.

Society fragmented, everyone out for themselves, not much in common anything.

Country flooded with drugs and crime.

And a lack of critical thinking yet a broadcasting platform.

Look how many posters on the other thread said violent thugs shouldn't be excluded.

You're not wrong.

Too many people who shouldn't be having children end up having them, and then they can't be arsed with them, and they turn into undisciplined little shits.

For people wondering why there are so many SEN kids, well if you're an ND adult and have kids, you're probably going to end up with ND kids too. It's not rocket science.

Having kids is a fucking stupid idea in the current world, we've completely ruined it and there's fuck all prospects or chance of a decent life unless you're rich.

But sure, keep squeezing kids out without a care in the world. It's massively irresponsible and selfish.

Gentle parenting and "all behaviour is communication" have a lot to answer for.

There are a lot of parents who are unwilling to parent, under the excuse of a diagnosis

'it's not his fault he can't stop punching people in the stomach, he's autistic'

Right

OP, you are right.

I work in a secondary school with its fair share of challenging pupils.
None of the teachers are shouty.
It's not the modern way.

With a friend recently and her child snatched a toy off another. My friend knelt down and said to her three year old "what would be a kind way to behave around (other child)?". I was eye rolling, FFS. The child is three, you parent her, say no that's naughty, give the toy back. Naughty is a valid word!

^

This. A 3 year old does not have the maturity nor mental capacity to think that far : they need to hear the words 'yes' and 'no'. It really is that basic.

Choices should be jam or marmalade. It ends there

Absolutely agree. There’s some terrible parenting around. I think people think as long as they aren’t physically harming children they fall somewhere in the “good parent” circle. When they very much do not.

I notice that so many parents go far out their way to avoid their child experiencing even the slightest of adverse events. “We’re not going there because it might upset DD”. Well let her be upset then FFS. “I won’t be taking them out in the snow, they might slip”. So what! Everyone gets hurt now and again. You’re doing your child a huge disservice by giving them a cushy upset-free childhood because when they’re 18 and going out into the real world no one will give half as many fucks about them as you do and they’ll get a shock at having spent 18 years in blissful ignorance only to be plunged into a world where it’s not all about them.

I also blame the people (gentle/permissive parenting loons) who think sending them to school, using the word ‘naughty’, not spending half an hour reasoning as to why they can’t have something, is akin to child abuse.

Before anyone says it’s none of my business what others do - well actually I don’t agree. These people’s shit parenting always affects somebody.

We are spending a holiday with family this summer (guilt tripped into it by ILs) whereby 2 children there are guaranteed to make me seethe yet again be ause their parents let them do whatever they want. They're free to splash anyone in the pool without consequence (or even worse jump in near people, and NOTHING is said except by me), bring iPads to restaurants, climb all over furnishings in the hotel, and dictate when/where we all should be eating. And that means I’m Mean Mummy all week because I won’t let my kids do all that. I get “But Verruca is allowed her iPad at the table”.

Last time we went on holiday with them it was a gorgeous evening and went out as a group for a meal and little Verucca Salt decided she “didn’t want to eat outside” so SIL said makes us all go indoors. I ended up saying “Nah you’re alright I want to eat al fresco” and end up looking like a massive dickhead by separating us all from the group . But no way am I have a 9yo dictate my holiday enjoyment. I get one holiday a year and I’m not eating indoors because someone else can’t tell their kid no. This is why it affects others.

Yep.

There was a thread of here the other day and the title was “DS 15 suspended for being late”. When actually he got a detention for being late, which he didn’t turn up to. So he got an after school detention, which he didn’t turn up to. So next steps were suspension. Which I agree with - secondary schools are like zoos anyway and schools MUST take a no nonsense approach

The OP would NOT have it that her child was suspended by his own doing. She said “He was late because it takes him a lot time to get to classes 🙄” every other child managed to turn up. She was completely deluded and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of supporting the school or bolloxking him

I also miss the days of parents supporting teachers. If I ever got into trouble, even if I perceived it to be unfair, my mum would have unequivocally sided with the school. These days if little Diddums thinks it’s unfair mummy writes an email.

I was watching an episode of Derry Girls set in the 90’s Ireland and a v v funny episode where a new English teacher starts at the girls’s school and basically copies Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society word for word (🤣). she rips up the pupil’s poems and tells them to write better. Erin then tells her mum “Miss De Brun ripped up our poems” and her mum says “She ripped up your poems?!” and Erin says “She says we haven’t been writing from the soul” and her mum, rather than being angry about the poem ripping, shouts “And why in under God WEREN’T you writing from the soul?!” - it always makes me laugh! 🤣 Could you imagine that scenario now? There’d be a petition to get Mr Brun/Robin Williams sacked

<dons hard hat>

I agree with you

There’s an autistic child in my family (well actually he has been told twice by professionals that he isn’t autistic and now they’re getting a third opinion from a private provider but they tell everyone he is) who “can’t help” but call my son (8) names, it’s “how he communicates and he can’t control his anger especially around other boys”. The moment my boy defends himself, or pushes back, the parents of the child say “I just don’t understand why they butt heads!”.

Couldn't agree more.

If kids do stuff now the parents just say they are entitled to state care, sorry, education, by law, and the state has to figure it out.

The idea that there is parental responsibility seems to have totally gone by the wayside.

I have at times wished there was some kind of school provision where I live for schools with zero phones and probably almost zero computer use up until late in their school time.

I think many people would send their kids.