The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

Britain is broken though. We moved as we didn’t want our daughter growing up there because of these sorts of issues and the violence you see in UK.

Out of interest @Poppins21 where did you move to?

Gosh 😬 makes you worry about how these poor kids will socialise doesn't it, must be more Instagram parenting advice

This sounds great though, I've heard this as an adult as advice for women and that you're making people feel appreciated by recognising what they have done rather than making yourself appear wrong or flawed unnecessarily.

I agree though there is a difference between not over-apologising out of nervousness/insecurity and normal manners, like if you get a gift that's meant well and not saying thank you because you're not really grateful. I think it's also that distinction between something like 'would I have bought this for myself' and 'I'm grateful for the effort rather than the outcome' that we still ought to teach

Have they, neither of my Grandma's worked when they were bringing up my parents and they were both from working class backgrounds. My Dad's Mum was one of 14 children when she was growing up so things improved immeasurably for her post second world war as she lived in a semi detached 1930s house, my Grandad was a mechanic. My Dad didn't even have a Saturday job when he was 16, he was very much involved with politics and they let him get on with it and he went to University and became an Economist. My Mum worked hard in a bank and studied A levels at Evening college and went on to university, they both had grants. The social contract still being alive and kicking in the 70s resulted in detached house purchase on my Dad's income alone as an Economist in London. The death of the social contract is the cause of the frustration of younger people as those opportunities if you work hard are simply not available!

Everyone's working full time. The Nursery is bring them up.

It absolutely depends on your viewpoint. I see so many bright young people coming through. Broken can be fixed. Let’s believe that the younger generation can do it.

Have you seen the figures on the brain drain of British bright young things? It is truly scary for Britain's future as so many highly educationed British citizens are choosing to emigrate.

Where are they emigrating to? Genuine question?

Lots to Australia due to the languages, but also EU and Emirates. More opportunities and perceived quality of life.

Definitely a problem where we live. (Thank goodness our close friends, who don't live near us, have a similar, strict parenting approach to us, so we can still enjoy time with them and their DC). Absolutely no need for shouting or smacking (both low class behaviours IME), just firm, immediate, negative consequences.

We live in a nice, middle class area but see countless examples of primary school aged children allowed to hurt others and cause a big nuisance with literally zero consequences. E.g. 6/7 year old boys rampaging around the playground/softplay knocking toddlers to the ground or breaking equipment and the parents say nothing.

If mine did that I'd be straight over to him, remove him from the area, make him go and apologise to the toddler and their parents (and also apologise to the parents myself) or to the softplay/library manager, and then take them home. Discussion that evening about what they did wrong and why it won't be happening again. Surprisingly enough...my kid therefore never behaves like this, so it's not necessary! Because I actually took the time and effort to supervise and parent him properly aged 2-5 when he was still learning what appropriate behaviour was. Again, no shouting or smacking necessary, just swift, consistent hard consequences.

There's a 6 year old boy on our street I feel really sorry for - none of the other kids invite him to play as he is just a nightmare. His parents claim he has ADHD. No he bl00dy well doesn't, he just has zero boundaries and unlimited screen time! (We know the parents well so have witnessed this in action for the last 5 years). He's allowed to stay up as late as he likes watching tv and playing video games, then his parents claim "school tires him out too much". Again, no it doesn't! staying up until 10pm playing playstation is what tires him out! He broke a door in our house once, by slamming it as part of a "game". Not only did his parents not apologise, they actually did literally nothing, said "oh he has so much energy he needs to let out!" and just let him carry on (we were all sat in the room and watched him do it). I got up and said "right, think it's time for you all to leave as X is clearly struggling to behave himself". Mum looked at me like I'd called her son a swearword! Yep, nobody will like your child or choose to spend time with them if you let them act like a spoilt, violent brat! Time to accept that your gentle parenting approach isn't working...but of course she won't.

No, I don't think children like this will end up carrying knives - I think that's an issue that's particular to more disadvantaged neighbourhoods, with violent parents, drug issues, etc. But these "gentle parented" middle class kids sure as hell won't end up contributing positively to society, or even become well-functioning adults. It's a real shame. I don't know what we can do about it though, it's like a pandemic of bad parenting.

Maybe if the overall message wasn’t “the country is broken” they might be more inclined to stay.

negativity breeds negativity.

My grandmother had 13 children. These women spent their whole adult life either pregnant or breastfeeding. My mother worked. She was put into Service at age 14. My dad was "university material " but his family needed him to work so that's what he had to do. During the war my mother worked in a munitions factory. She ran home when she heard the bombs and the house and both her parents were blown to smitherines. She and some of her siblings worked and managed to get a little house and offered full board. Plus she worked evenings as a nursing auxiliary. They worked so hard. If you look back in history, women have worked by taking in washing, ironing, sewing, all sorts of work they could do around childcare. It's always been bloody hard.

As per Goldenbears response...

It has not always been hard for everyone

Sounds like your family could afford to have a child who didn't have to get a job as soon as they were 12 or so. I would imagine an Economist in London would have earned sufficient money to support a family. However, there were far more typically working class than middle class jobs available. I agree that the social contract is broken though. It is never spoken about anymore. Maybe we should revive it.

It’s not the message it is the reality. Opportunities are better for them outside of UK and they are not trapped they can get visas.

Parents of SEND children have to put 10 times as much into parenting than those of typically developing children.
I'm not saying all SEND parents are perfect, but is awfully ignorant to conflate SEND with 'naughtiness'. Autistic children can be the ones who find rowdy behaviour and rule breaking by others most unbearable.

I am so sorry you have this going on. It's like stepping back in time hearing this. I think the added stress is that we live in a faceless world. It's all virtual and even if you manage to speak to a human being they read from a script. I believe society is moving backwards and the fat cats get fatter and no one else benefits from all the privatisation except the big bosses and the big shareholders. Have to spoken to someone in CAB or Shelter?

Gosh what a sad state of affairs

Goldenbear is indeed golden. It isn't hard for everyone now either. There's always been inequality and there will always be. That's why all generations who want better for there current or future children need to pull together instead of letting themselves be divided.

No. It’s YOUR message to your children. There are plenty of examples where we’re doing well. Take the film industry for example - I believe we’ve now taken over Hollywood as the location for film shoots. Some of our scientific research is world class etc etc.

There is plenty to celebrate but children need to hear it and believe it in order to want to retain their roots.

My daughter doesn’t live in the UK though so it wouldn’t be a message that affects her.

I’m a time where both parents have to work to afford to live the lifestyle that has become the norm these days, parents are all shattered, pushed for time and energy to spend quality time with their own children.
Children attend nurseries and after school clubs rather than spending that time with a stay at home parent, meaning while they’re safe they spend very little time with their own parents getting 1:1 time, getting love and affection… instead they’re one of many during those crucial early years where islets proven the brain is going through crucial development stages and children learn crucial skills from their parents that they can’t learn at nursery. This lack of human contact, love and feeling secure is in my opinion causing a generation of people who grow up with difficulty socialising effectively. We have created a generation of kids that aren’t getting the basic human needs met. Even when parents are home they’re often too shattered or have too much to do at home after a week busy at work… there is no real down time - no family time!

I wonder how many parents can honestly say they sit and read with their child on the sofa, play cards, board games, go for walks and actually talk about what their surroundings are … we go out and there’s whole families sat at a table in the pub, every single one on their phone.. I’ve got friends who’s children didn’t know how to play with dolls etc… and just sat on a tablet… as kids we didn’t know the words ‘I’m bored’… we were always playing and using our imaginations…. Kids now are bored the second their tech is removed!
all the screen time can’t be good for their brains, must over stimulate their senses, in turn must be damaging the brains normal development & chemistry … so many struggling to concentrate, to listen, to reason, to socialise!
it’s proven that when people reduce screen time their anxiety decreases too…. Says it all!!

We play with our autistic son loads and it's really sad how many people think we're mad or "making a rod for our own back because we actually enjoy sitting down with him and playing Playmobil or building Lego for long periods of time. Yes we both work and yes we're tired, but fuck it, it's good for him and it's fun!

I really think the narrative around kids and parenting is so so negative now, it's really depressing. I know it was a response/push back to the "perfect fb family" BS but it's gone too far I think. You only need to read threads on here or Reddit or whatever - "I hate playing with my kids" "I dread weekends" "I can't wait for the school holidays to end" and page after page of "oh don't feel guilty, kids are boring" "stick them in clubs/extra nursery" just on and on.

God forbid you post something positive, then you're "smug" or "privileged" 🙄

This! I agree with you. Poor behaviour does affect others.

I’ve experienced similar, and am very cautious about who comes to our home for a play date with DS (6). I’ve taught my children how to behave in our home (shoes off indoors, no jumping around on/damaging furniture, no drawing on tables/walls, tidying up their toys, helping me put laundry away, etc). I’ve also taught them when you are invited to a friend’s home you wait to be offered food, be kind to younger siblings, follow their rules, say thank you for having me.

My son has 2 friends who come to play who are brilliant, play really well with both my children, and are a real pleasure to have over. I have experienced others being deliberately destructive, deliberately going into rooms they were asked not to, haloing themselves to fruit, biting it then putting it back in my fruit bowl! 🙀 So guess what, they don’t get invited!

At one party for a friend of my son’s (the one who plays here who is a really lovely kid), 1 out of the 3 guests completely dominated that party, running off during food, jumping on furniture, having cushion fights, trying to destroy the balloon displays (which upset the birthday child). My son started to join in, which I put an immediate stop to, but the other Dad did basically nothing, no authority in his voice. I really felt for the hosting parents.

I’m sick of being one of few who speaks up/intervenes too!