The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

Totally agree. My eldest isn't even 3 yet but I see the way some of my friends parent their children already. Afraid to say no, won't give out, won't tell the child if they are doing wrong. That will only worsen as the child gets older and the things they are doing become more serious.

Totally agree. First response to school incident is to blame teachers. A whole generation with zero resilience and a huge increase in children with mental health issues. Genuinely terrifying

When I went to school in the 80s parents were terrified of the teachers. Kids didn’t get in trouble because their parents would go mad if they had to go into school.
Now no matter what they’ve done parents will say their child wasn’t in the wrong, even if they are on CCTV.
I’ve seen parents up to the point that their children are getting permanently excluded literally not caring at all (then calling and asking if we’d take them back as they’re getting on their nerves).
Children often know there are no consequences and parents think it will just go away. Something has to change.

Yanbu.
Some people shouldn't have kids.

Yes there are definitely groups with no effort and no clue. My friend is a primary school teacher, she frequently has kids come to her in nappies. She boot camps them, gets them dry in term time, they go for school holidays and come back in nappies. We can say this is poverty or whatever reason but it's not something you used to hear of in schools yet some schools have felt strong enough about it to make public statements. Poverty has always existed but standards differ.

All the dogooders who got rid of discipline, hope your happy..

All the dad's that leave the mums and don't see their kids and help parent.
Hope your happy.
All those that push violence through aggressive video games and films.
Hope your happy.

Society reaps what society sows.😥

I agree. DC are at a well-regarded secondary school (state). There are regular issues with 12 and 13 year olds setting off fire alarm, threats of serxual violence, taking a knife to school, boys going into girls changing rooms at PE, kids bunking off, swearing at teachers, throwing furniture in classrooms, etc. DC are totally disengaged...it's a total shit show. If they behave like that at 12, with no repercussions, how do we think they'll be at 15? Or 28? They know fine well that the school can't do much, and that their parents will do NOTHING.
When I was that age (20-odd years ago), behaviour that has now become every day would not be accepted by parents OR by community.

Dc I’ve been aware of who carry weapons and threaten others come from homes of addicts/dealers or where there’s domestic violence. They are surviving in horrible conditions with dodgy people coming in and out of their lives. They need help to get out of the situation more than anything.

I saw some children on tv last week and they were being shown how to clean their teeth. It's awful. Parents couldn't be relied upon to show them.

People should be compelled to go on parenting courses.

Yep. I had to fade out a friendship with a mum who I've known since my youngest was a baby because she just won't discipline or put boundaries in place with her naughty child. And yes I am saying the word NAUGHTY even though supposedly you shouldn't use that word anymore because he IS naughty. She happened to catch me the other day and started saying how she didn't think that secondary schools are set up to deal with "boisterous boys"..... I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

I also think that teachers being overworked and underpaid and stressed has a massive impact on how they relate to pupils and the way they can come across (strict, shouty, overly punative, like they don't care) has a huge impact on relationship in school and pupil behaviour. If we focused on teacher wellbeing pupil behaviour would improve massively. Everyone seems to think it's the other way round only.

Yes, this. We have massively failed a generation.

Tell us some examples from your own experience and life, OP.

I agree with this

Totally agree. Work in a very large school 1500+ kids, and many of them have never heard the word no.

Couldn't agree more.

One of the best threads I've seen on here in a long time 👏

If your own children are getting on your nerves and that has been the pattern throughout their childhood, I think that's where the problem lies! Are these kids shown love, arvethe parents evening interested in them. Easy to say that it's what they are looking at on screens but how is that noticed when a child is young.

I went to school in the 80s and 90s, my Dad in particular was no afraid of the teachers, at parents evening he would definitely challenge things he thought were unjust. I wasn't a problem child, far from it but my parents encouraged curiosity and they encouraged a love of learning that was only partly concerned with school. Basically, they were interested in all of us (siblings and I) I am the same with my DC and if you bring up children in that way, IME, by the time they are teens, they are self-aware and thoughtful and don't need to be told No as they are already mature enough to understand the right and wrong.

@Orino - yes there is that demographic of people, but now you don’t even have to be from a bad home to carry a knife! I know young people with 2 loving parents at home but they’ve chosen to live as if they are “from the streets”. A friend of mine is having a very tough time with her son who has decided to quit school and do nothing at 15. She doesn’t do drugs “, has an average life - Infact her and her husband work and have 2 other children! What has gone wrong?

Someone mentioned poverty. I grew up in a neighbourhood where a majority lived in council homes - we weren’t rich at all but we feared authority. You did not want to get in trouble by your teachers. You did not want to be in trouble by your neighbour because your parents wouldn’t condone it. Now, if another child does wrong - no matter what parents are 90% likely to defend the child.

Respect has gone out of the window!

Agreed. Of course teachers are not to blame, I feel very sorry for teachers and now they risk getting stabbed by pupils at work.
Yes parenting in this modern world is hard (I have teenagers) and too many parents are not prepared to put in place - and stick to - boundaries for their kids. It’s the easier option to eventually say yes when they wear you down. Sticking to eg no Snapchat, phone kept downstairs at night is hard - I know because I do it. I have witnessed some of my own friends ( who society would regard as “decent people” rather than typical stereotypes of a bad parent) consistently give in to their children since toddlerhood and now that they’re older, giving in means letting them stay out in the evenings with friends who are clearly a bad influence, and not cracking down on internet/phone use where I dread to think what kids are being exposed to. It’s really worrying for the future of society.

What discipline did the do-gooders get rid of?

One of the biggest problems so many people are unaware of is what we parents are calling a SEN crisis. I can't explain why there are clearly so many ND kids now, but there really are.

My child is one of them in a mainstream school. He can't manage it. The teachers have an impossible job because he certainly isn't the only one and it's clearly an incredible task put on them with little guidance, support or resources. So everyone turns on each other - parents gain school, teachers and vice versa.

These kids often appear like feckless out of control feral kids with brain dead parents. The reality is we aren't and we're on our knees. And there are so many of us.

I don't know the answer. What would have been the outcome say 30 years ago if my son was growing up then. I think he'd have gone undiagnosed because it isn't blindingly obvious to everyone. He'd be in some special behaviour unit or something like that and we'd just accept it was the mum's fault.

I don't know the answers but addressing this crisis if resources allowed might help a significant amount.

It works both ways at times, with schools and other institutions keeping secrets from parents re the whole trans issue, and parents being prevented from acting to protect their child from a possibly life changing procedures.

There are many, many threads on Mumsnet with parents desperate that they cannot get help for DCs, whether it's bullying at school, mental health issues and a whole range of other subjects. Is a minor thing, but it starts in Reception when it's only the naughty kids who win the star pupil award while the well behaved child is constantly overlooked.

I don't think there is much to be gained by blaming one side or the other, everyone needs to be involved in how we raise our children, but it's gone horribly, horribly wrong, that much is certain.

@PassingStranger ones recollection of discipline from years gone by was probably actually abuse in reality. Teachers, parents and adults often managed kids through fear and physical abuse. I don't think that was a great approach. Being against abuse definitely does not mean anti rules boundaries and consequences.

@digimumworld Agree 100%.
I see parents that want to be their child's ''best friend'' - and these kids are generally ill mannered rude children.

The parents who actually 'parent' have lovely children that are nice to be around.