The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

I think knife crime and parenting are two different issues.

Knife crime rose exponentially when the Tories slashed funding for the third sector and cut policing.

There used to be local police who knew the community and worked with charities to cut knife crime. That's all disappeared as has activities for young people.

In areas with a lot of knife crime, many children carry knives because they don't feel safe. Social media also plays a part as many young people are not safeguarded.

Lack of respect for authority also plays a part. When I was growing up you were frightened of getting into trouble, now children know there are no consequences for their actions.

Many parents are permissive because it's easier.

It is not easy to get a diagnosis - the children that have one have one for a reason.

Totally agree.

Children need boundaries, discipline, and engaged role models for parents. Many of them lack all of this. I'd hate to be teacher having to deal with it all.

I completely agree there is a crisis and accept all the points above. I wonder if another contributing factor could be that more mums work now? This not only means that more young children are being "brought up" by childcare/after school settings, seeing less of their parents, but also that mums are wracked with guilt when they do spend time with them and so scared of saying no/always overcompensating for their absence?

Not sure this is a discipline issue. I was literally NEVER told no as a child, parents followed the gentlest of parenting techniques and I was a perfect child at school (head girl, never had a detention, always listened etc etc). Same for my sister. Both now well rounded adults with good jobs.

However what we did have was very engaged parents. Always did day trips at the weekend, always read to, parents took school very seriously and went above and beyond to be involved. I do think that makes a huge difference to children.

Also to clarify - both parents worked and I watched TV (though obviously no iPads/youtube/minimal internet) so again not sure those are always the culprit! Really do think it comes down to engagement.

I think it's all about wellbeing. I work in a primary and I have a child in secondary. Teachers try so hard, with understanding behaviours and with pastoral care for the kids. Schools hands are tied in terms of consequences and it's really hard to exclude a child permanently. We need compassion and understanding but also there is so little respect for schools and authority and the culture of learning from the parents and that attitude affects the children. It's really hard. It's a balance and when I was young it was too far one way... Marginal kids just got lost as there was no pastoral care. Now it's too far the other way and children are still be failed terribly.

What's the end goal for these young people? I want happy, functioning adults who can cope and thrive in life. And work with others and respect others and be respected.

I think a lot of parents fall into trying to be their child's friend instead of doing their job. I adore my dc and show them that daily, but have always made it clear that my 'job' as their mother is to raise kind and functional adults.

I still remember the shock on dd's primary teachers face when she told me (almost apologetically) that dd had stolen something (a chocolate roll from the teacher) and I backed her up immediately. Its almost like she expected me to defend dd's actions instead!

I demanded that dd apologise, replace the item out of her own pocket money, and thanked her for telling me. I also told her infront of dd to please let me know straight away if she ever did anything naughty again. She never did bless her (she was 5 at the time)

If ds school is anything to go by a lot are also leaving dc to be raised by phones/Internet from a ridiculously young age.

Ds had to end a friendship recently because a previously sweet boy started saying sexually suggestive/violent things about their female classmates. It turned out he was being allowed a phone overnight and was accessing hard-core rape porn. He openly discussed this at our house, no fear at all!

I told his mother that he was not allowed in our house anymore and I would be discouraging their friendship (friends since reception). Her response was to weakly say she couldn't get the phone off him and all boys did that anyway. They are 10 years old...

@lentil88 I agree that parents are largely raised by childcare providers in the current age. It's wrong that the tax payer is affording childcare for 2-3 year olds, they should be socialising with parents who either stay at home or work minimum hours. Instead parents are needing to work long hours for a basic standard of living. The system is screwed

Caring. Yes. Care and enjoy your children. Show them the world. Make them care about stuff! Anything. Find passions, care about people. Be happy.
These children vandalising property and swearing at teachers aren't happy. They don't care because they've never been shown care.

Sorry. Still typing. But also boundaries. So important. It's what helps kids feel safe.

Working mothers are not a new thing! My.mum worked. I am in my early 60s.

My secondary school was hell. One kid was stabbed. Some teachers were scared of the kids. Mind you, other teachers enjoyed physically abusing the kids and screaming at them.

I live near a secondary school. The kids seem decent enough. I am sure some of them are horrible but most seem good kids. Although some parents seem to think they are incapable of walking more than a few yards.

I have an older cousin with a child my child's age (6) so we see each other much more than we used to...she doesn't seem to say no and there's a lot of pandering. 'oh darling can you....' I think it's a bit of a family thing too as my dad's like that a bit and my mum said how awkward it was when my aunt was too permissive as a parent in the 90s. Eg my uncle having a go at adult who were trying to stop cousin misbehaving. But that she got better the subsequent children. The difference is in the past parent who let children misbehave were frowned upon but now I feel far more judged if I tell my child off in public than let her run wild.

Idk but just reading the most recent incredibly sad knife attack on a child at school

He was bullied and then attacked. So awful to read about that

I definitely don’t think it’s fair to blame teachers for most of this. It can’t be easy to discipline children without back up from parents- I’d say it’s damn near impossible. You see threads on here all the time where OP is asking if they should go down the school to demand the teacher’s head on a platter because they allegedly gave OP’s kid a funny look or a detention for late homework.

Happens off here as well. A school one I once knew complained to the governors about a teacher who shouted at her son. Went straight to the governors about it. Turns out she didn’t shout at the kid. Well she did shout but she was shouting at about 100 other children too as they were all in the hall getting ready to go on a whole school trip to the panto and she was trying to make herself heard over the noise of all those over excited kids. The school mum wasn’t even embarrassed when she found out the context. She was still adamant no one shouts at her kids ever, for any reason. Mad.

Teachers, you do not get paid enough for the shit you have to put up with.

The way some parents parent their kids boggles my mind and I am not a perfect mother myself.

I don't think there's is a straight clear answer really. I have a large family a couple of my children do have SEN and mental health issues. One of my children as a teenager ager really struggled and did become violent towards me . Yes I was scared of him. He's bigger and stronger than me. That does not make me a bad parent. Thank goodness we got through it and he's much better now.

MN thought the answer was take his Xbox away . It really wasn't the answer the situation was complex and the advice from professionals was not to do that. So things are not always simple.

My other children are /have been nothing like this so if you have a few children that is fine no concerns and one that went of the rails are they a bad parent.

From a different angle about 20 years I lived on a small council estate dd was playing outside other kids were to I was watching and one of the boys got hold of dd and strangled her I let the parent know what he had done. And she got really aggressive and started shouting at me The child is now in prison for murder.

the OP mentions being unable to control what kids see on social media. Don’t give them a smartphone surely? Yes the can look at their friends but won’t have unlimited access at home.

https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk
a small but important part of the story

@Glenthebattleostrich

I completely agree.

I’m utterly shocked by the huge shift I’ve seen in schools over the past 20 years. When I first started teaching it was KS1, no TA, computers were not a big focus, and the children had books.
The Head was scary, but very visible - pulling up teachers and children on any misbehaviour.
She analysed my planning/assessments every week. I had to put them on her desk.
If the kids misbehaved, it was our problem - not the children’s - we’d put better strategies/teaching methods in place. Their books were taken in, and their work monitored.
I can’t remember one child being excluded or being diagnosed with a lifelong label.
What the hell has happened over the years??

FAS and screens.

I think you’ll need to have words with the ILs before you go and set the boundaries - I would. Big group family holidays like these only work well when all parents broadly agree on the rules. We went several times with BIL and SIL - all good, because all the DC knew that what one parent said to their DC applied to the others as well. We - the parents- decided where we were eating and at what time. Same with bed time, swimming etc. DC do not get to be in charge.

What a sad thread :0(

Solve the parenting crisis and you’ll solve the SEN crisis. A huge amount of SEN is behaviour - whether it’s a reaction to poor parenting, or a reaction to being forced to share a classroom with those with poor parenting.

There have also been what appears to be a huge number of threads about how parenting/children has gone to the dogs lately. Whilst I mostly agree, I can’t help but suspect an ulterior motive.

Something is going very wrong, but I think it's too simplistic to say it's just a parenting problem. I mean, sure, permissive parenting exacerbates the problem. But we've witnessed the progressive demolition of society in recent years. The gap between rich and poor is bigger than ever. More people reliant on food banks than ever. Parents are absent from home for longer periods through holding down several jobs at the same time to pay the bills. Mental health services at absolute rock bottom. Unregulated social media channels spewing hatred and disinformation to young and easily influenced minds. The breakdown of communities, underinvestment in public services and youth services.

Of course it's not a school problem. It's far more complex than just a parenting problem though.