The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

This is such a complex issue. Poverty, failing to diagnose and support mental health or learning difficulties early. Missing opportunities for intervention. School (secondary) being obsessed with intense discipline for minor misdemeanors and focusing on grades alone. Feckless parents and just a lack of community. Social media is a massive problem but government seems unable or unwilling to regulate. Idris Elba did an excellent documentary on it a week or two ago. Well worth a watch. Unfortunately until we recognise that breaking society in to ever decreasing boxes of them and us and making statements about fault or it's because x we can't get better because we have to demand better as a collective society for everyone. It's sickening the level of poverty and lack of opportunity that is prevelant everywhere from young to old, south to north and there isn't any need except you know super rich weirdos just can never have enough

It starts from them being little. I don't believe in using violence to curb behaviour but mine do get a stern telling off, clear consequences and I did use the naughty step technique. I have no issue in calling them out for naughty behaviour. My sil's youngest child is the same age as mine and there are never consequences for the child's behaviour. She gets what she wants so she doesn't cry. That's fine when she is with her parents but then she struggles everytime she is away from them as she simply isn't used to anyone establishing boundaries or rules. It is always nursery's fault and after all she is only 3. It's not that my 3 year old never cries or has a tantrum but I make sure she is safe, can't hurt herself and remove her from the situation.

At age 3 and 2 our older kids were overreliant on screens as dh used them whilst he was trying to mange the kids and wfh during covid. It took a lot of effort on out part to break that cycle and aside from tv they don't use devices until the weekend where they are limited. It's also hard when they have friends who already have mobile phones etc but we are staying firm in our boundaries for now. I got my first phone (nokia) when I was 16 and my dad insisted it was left downstairs when we went up to bed.

Obviously not every single school is going to be worse than every single school from the past. We're talking about trends.

My children attend private schools but I have read hundreds of posts on here saying that private schools are a waste of money as most state schools have good behaviour. So maybe there were a minority of crappy schools in the past and a minority now too.

Let's not say private schools are full of good behaviour. They have problems with social media, sexual assault and porn use. It's just that the parents tend to put a premium on appearances.

That's because it's all the teachers faults 😆.

@Pickled21 it is always nursery's fault and after all she is only 3.

The "oh they are only..." thing drives me mad. When my friends ds broke several things at my house she just said "oh he's only two" to justify it. But where does it stop? Oh they're only 5/8/14 what magical number is the line dawn at? Because "oh it's not they're fault, they're only 43" doesn't really cut it.

I haven't seen those threads but I think those people are talking bollocks!

I actually agree with you on this.

For those that do this there will come a time when the DC will turn on them too as they've never had to tow the line at any age so it's highly unlikely they'll start listening to parent when they reach the desired age a parent has in mind.

MusicMakesItAllBetter
With all due respect poverty is fucking poverty mate and unless you've lived it you'll never know the true shitness that is wondering how you're going to feed the kids (not even sure if you'll get to eat too because the kids HAVE to come first), get petrol to take them to school/pay for a bus for yourself, the stress that makes you ill because you've got no money. It's Easter and you cant afford to buy your little ones and egg.

Yup, it's utterly shit, but when I pointed out the same a few months ago, as could not afford a gift for my sons 18th, a poster tore me a complete new rear end and lectured me on how I should learn to manage my money better!

There are only so many hours in a day, only so many jobs out there, many of which are being discontinued as employers cut back, and the cost of living, even basic survival food and sundries, goes ever onward upwards, far quicker than wages do.

Its grinding, relentless, mentally draining, embarrassing, isolating and the pressure from those "above" you who are convinced it's all your fault, you need to work harder, learn to budget/cook whatever

I would not wish bad times on anyone but sometimes I see smug comments and do think naughty thoughts...

This feckless poor person sat and worked out the sums, there are no cheaper homes than where we are, we already go without electricity, heating, meals, any trip out that isn't necessary for work/school and ration pretty much everything.

Last year illness caused debt to get to 947 pounds, ( keyboards been broken for months) which has now gone up to 1,700 pounds with interest despite my paying a bit more than the minumum each month, more when i can. If it wasn't for this debt, we'd actually, as are well used to scraping the barrel, be able to exist on two meals a day instead of the one, so my miserable stressed tired hungry and , how did she put it? shameful Mom life is worth 1,700 to sort my mental health/stress issues out.

I can cook ( but not with fresh air and no leccy)
What storecupboard essentials, they all got used up months ago
Bulk buying, yeah defo cheaper and was how we got this far, but again, cannot restock with fresh air
Get more jobs.. erm, yeah ok, last 1 I applied for wanted me to travel 35 miles each way daily to do just 2 hrs work each day. Utterly pointless
That was the only job listed in two weeks

All I can do is try to stay hopeful, enter as many bloody competitions as I can whilst we still have some internet and pray for a lucky break

I hear you and feel you Music, and pray that life keeps sending you upwards from the hell that is "non-poverty"

NB My son had a few issues making friends when younger but has grown into a lovely if a bit shy young man with a heart of gold and a strong appreciation of anything he has

@Hagpie it is interesting that you describe yourself as a gentle parent.

Something I must say from your sentence is that it does take “learning” and understand how children work in order to effectively parent. I’m close to my daughter and it’s because I truly want her to tell me stuff, in my family m, growing up. we were silenced, I didn’t tell my mum a single thing! - but our outlet was our friends, our neighbourhood, playing out etc - I had community even as a child! in todays society a child’s outlet can easily become a dodgy forum, a sketchy online community or worse - self taught by disruptive algorithms.

Whilst I know that there are many positives to this generation, something isn’t right. And today I’ve been listening to conversations about social media companies being held (more) accountable and the fact that we will look back at this time and see that social media has destroyed many children. I believe that we then have a parenting crisis because nobody really knows how to deal with this. Maybe it’s a social media crisis? A community crisis? Phones and the internet have become the silent parent/guardian - surly thats part of a parenting crisis.

If all parents had access to tools that taught them about child psychology - I would personally find this so helpful - (not just those of us that are interested) and had time to know their children as individuals so that they can react to them - could that make a difference?

Not all people who have children are interested in:
parenting or
psychology or
education or
their children

We live in a nice area. Yet 5 minutes from here a twelve year old was stabbed on the way home last week and died. By a 14 year old. Word is it was unprovoked and they didn’t even know each other.

My son is 12. In a nice school. Exemplary in behaviour - and that’s coming from teachers. His whole form group are quite nice. And yet the amount of disruption he talks about, the backchat and disrespecting/ignoring teachers is mind blowing. The amount of detentions dealt out is crazy. Every week there is a reminder via the school’s communication channels that social media has a minimum age for a reason. Bullying via whatsapp. School uniform rules not being adhered to. Even the basics seem to escape some parents and therefore the kids.

My boy walks home. And every day I count the minutes. You can’t wrap them up in cotton wool but I’d sure love to. He doesn’t know how I feel because I’d never knock his confidence. But we do have the “don’t go off the beaten track, avoid the trouble makers, be mindful of your surroundings” talk every so often.

The stuff I see his mates get away with winds me up. Mind you, most of his friends are girls so it’s verbal more than anything.😆
But even so they had a mobile metal detector in the other day. But they told us all beforehand. Naturally nothing was found. My feedback was I wish next time they didn’t tell people.

I don’t know what the answer is. I wonder if our parents felt like we are doing now and if like we did, most of these kids will grow up and turn into half decent, mostly well adjusted contributing members of society. Because I look back and recognise I was a mouthy teenager. My mother was awful and it showed. I turned out ok…though my opinion is purely objective of course.

It isn’t.

They won’t get a job as won’t be able to keep it…so won’t be able to buy or just rent…they will struggle to provide anything for their own children.

The ones that “make it” from that description will have a low paid job all their life not really able to get anything else and living very frustrated.

Sad really. There is a reason why people try hard for their children but if they aren’t arse….

In a generation who are traumatised by their parent’s parenting I do kind of understand why people are making the mistakes they are though. There is so much pressure now that there wasn’t back in the day - feed your children the perfect diet, find the right balance of screen time, ensure your child grows up experiencing an enriching range of activities, both parents work but are made to feel guilty about not being present enough etc etc etc. This on top of not wanting to treat your kids the way many of our parents did us with the abusive discipline. It’s a minefield. I think most people are doing what they think is right under a huge amount of societal pressure and unresolved trauma from their own childhoods.

I think it is sad what children consume on social media which is aggressive and does not build empathy. Yes children have to learn empathy but social media makes that hard.

Children do not realise a lot of what they are saying or doing are adult behaviours which would be criminalised. Yes they are stupid but so are their parents. If your kid is being pulled in for bullying it's the parents direct attitude or the media they consume.

These parents are guaranteeing idiots who can't cope at work or adult environments where you have to regulate your own behaviour

The kids that do manage this do better in life. Then you've got a set of children who are screwed because they haven't been given any help to mature. They are just neglected emotionally

@Unexpectedlysinglemum. At my junior school in the 60's, there were 40 children in the class with one teacher. There were rules and she was strict but we were safe and we learned. We also had fun. The problem is that teachers, police, in fact any adult cannot discipline children now. Children need rules and boundaries. That's what's missing. Teachers have responsibility with no authority. Recipe for disaster and the disaster has arrived. Almost daily on the news we hear a child has murdered another child.

@Devon24 I'm perhaps a bit older than you I can assure you no one got stabbed to death when I was at school.
Less violence in the home .. domestic violence is alive and well still.
The internet is wonderful for information and knowledge..and extreme pornography that young males expect young girls to act out

And that's only a few points on your skewed vision of the world.

@MrsDuskTilldawn2point0 I'm guessing you are referring to Leo Ross? It's so senseless and sad and I'm agasht at the number of posters who seem happy to shrug their shoulders and say "but there's always been violence". Oh well that's okay then. How are things expected to improve if people won't even try to demand change. And I'm not naïve enough to think we can live in utopia but a society where a 14 year old isn't murdering a younger child, assaulting four women and two police officers would be a good start.

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta Yes, I was referring to Leo Ross. I think because he was exactly the same age as my boy it really made me sit up and take notice.

We are by no means helicopter parents, but we only let him have a phone if he agreed to let us check it whenever we wanted. We explained it’s not to catch him out but to protect him. He has whatsapp but no social media. He can’t download any apps without a request for authorisation popping up on my phone.
All our phones stay downstairs at night to charge.
He was and still is happy with this.
We talk about internet safety etc. To date I’ve yet to find anything untoward on his phone; in fact he left a whatsapp group not long ago because he was fed up with the swearing. 🤣

In my experience, and I have steam coming out of my ears just typing this, it was all the parents in primary who were constantly banging on about teaching kids to be safe, and how we must protect the children from the evil evil internet who put in zero effort in putting parental controls in place. Some of his mates were texting at 12am at night at the start of yr 6! “Something has to be done to protect them” How about you get off your arse and parent them? No, instead I had friend requests off your 10 year old on TikTok.

Playdates in year 3 included talk about The Walking Dead. Really? It’s my favourite show but the boy will have to wait to watch it.
No one seems to be able to say “no, that’s not for you (yet)” Why has telling kids no become such an issue? No need to be mean. No, that’s not your toy.
No, you have to wait your turn.
No, this is your brother’s birthday cake. You can blow out the candles on your own cake next month.
And no, that app has an age restriction, so you can’t have it.
It feels like parents expect pushback and so, to avoid confrontation, they allow their kids access to apps they shouldn’t because their friends have it. Thus creating another problem, because if you never have any disagreements how do you learn to deal with them and resolve them? I could go on. 🫣

What must go on in your home that you take a knife to school?
What is wrong with the police that a repeat offender (even if he is 14) walks around still unsupervised?

Again, no idea what the answer is, but it’s not teacher bashing. I couldn’t do that job for a lot
more money than they’re paid.

Agree.
I wasn't abused by my DM, yet she said stuff that stuck on me most of my life that I understand now was a joke but I didn't know that at 7.

One thing that was an issue was my 'fussy eating'. I remember quite traumatic dinner times and as it happens, I was diagnosed with ADHD last year.
My DS is a 'fussy eater'. I had a thought one night that I'm going to have to give him something and tell him that's it.
I became extremely upset at that point as my own experiences came flooding back and I thought, I cannot put him through what I went through, and I'm not. I'm breaking the generational cycle that my mum also went through with her mum. Get them fed at any cost.
I'm just glad I didn't have to eat tripe 🫢

I do have a phobia of baked beans though, even writing it out makes my body tense up

We were queuing for a climbing wall today in a big soft play place. There was a boy behind us also waiting, he must have been about 10. His mum was moaning at him about the length of the queue, and having to wait with him. The way they talked to each other was awful, then he said "well it's not my fault you're fat".

My dc were just finishing their turn and so the boy was getting harnessed in and taking his turn. The mum said, right I'm going now and went off. The boy finished one turn and wanted to go to the next wall but the member of staff said sorry, you need an adult with you for me to strap you on again. So he went off and found his mum. She came back moaning about how she was expected to wait with him. The staff member said, sorry I'm afraid it's our policy. So she waited a couple of minutes then asked the staff member if she was allowed to go to the toilet. The staff member said no, or words to that effect and the woman started moaning again "I can't even go for a wee". The staff member said "sorry it's just in case anything happens". The woman said "well if anything happens, I don't care!" and started moaning again about how he'd already broken his arm twice.

Made me sad for the poor kid.

It’s scary as hell! My DD is 14, a lovely child and she comes home from school daily telling me what happens in classes… she has removed herself from 2 lessons because she doesn’t feel safe in them after a boy assaulted a girl, and the teacher did absolutely nothing about it… despite the girl have scratches on her arms and being in tears the teacher brushed it off as ‘just playing around’….. my daughter hasn’t attended the 2 lessons that teacher teaches since!! Instead she sits in the library reading a book. (Only missing art and drama which she’ll drop at the end of this year anyway!)…
Kids vaping, having sex, fighting, a kid brought vodka into school (year 8 girl) and offered all the girls some - Inc my DD who refused… it’s really sad!
I think it’s a mixture of too much tech too early on and both parents being at work full time … coupled with spoiling the kids because they then suffer mum guilt for not having much time to spend with children…

schools aren’t giving feedback at parents evenings as it always has to be positive…. I’ve seen parents of little shites leaving parents evening feeling so proud of their little horrors! And as every single kid in class now has to win star of the week and other rewards, there’s no real reward for being well behaved…

And what exactly do you think is causing the mental health crisis?

The issue is that whilst the older generation are enjoying second homes, cruises and the high life on gold plated pensions. The young are struggling with homelessness, paying eye watering fees for a simple education ( all free to other generations) as well as propping up said pensions with ball breaking taxes.

That is what’s really going on.

And the children are paying a very heavy price indeed.

This inequality needs to be addressed urgently.

However, even taking the Winter Fuel Allowance from the richer pensioners ends up in calls of making old people freeze to death. So over the top and untrue since the pension rise covered the removal of WFA for some pensioners.

The older richer grey vote don't want to contribute and keep tight hold on their second homes, cruises, WFA, triple locked pensions and houses mortgage free. Some happy to take whilst young people struggle to even rent a home, let alone buy one or two!