The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

I agree

This is also affecting other children, my daughter is currently not in school because she is terrified of the place. She’s a good kid, no trouble, highly moral and a good student but the behaviour of others is so hard for her to cope with that she had a mental breakdown and her school is performing well, dread to think about others. We’re quite close to London and the number of kids involved in county lines is a real problem.

This is such rubbish and unhelpful. Of course kids got into trouble in the 80s. Kids were rude and poorly behaved, kids committed crimes and bunked off school. Teachers and parents were indeed more authoritarian and violent at that time. There was a lot more fear and a lot more physical abuse. It wasn't the solution to social, behavioural or mental health problems then, and it isn't going to be the solution now. Lazy, harmful thinking.

I agree 👏

Honestly, I just don't understand it. Who are these people who bring children into the world and then can't be arsed to engage with them long enough to manage the basics when we live in an age of almost unlimited contraceptive choices.

There was that awful case a few months back where a mother kept her baby, then toddler confined to one room and forced to sleep and spend most of her time in a divan bed drawer. The level of neglect was utterly evil.

But if your kid can't sit up, climb chairs, open a book, assuming that there are no other health concerns...you have to wonder how much more they're actually doing with their children than that evil cow.

I know I seem on two side of the fence on this. I can understand how communities can go to shit, why parents might be struggling now more than ever... but how can you care so little for your own that they find themselves so lacking in skills to participate in school?

It’s true. Everybody feels entitled to a child, loads of shit parents creating children in shit circumstances and the rest of us have to deal with the fall out.

And people focusing on increasing birth rates. We need to focus on the quality of people having children.

I'm normally in the 'parents responsibility' camp however I do feel that there has been a shift with too much control by the state, too much 'someone else is to blame', too much power given to the education system over parents.

Good examples are being told that I can't ask about medical information about my 14 year old child without their permission despite it being clear that if the shit hits the fan then, as the parent, I'll need to sort it all out. Schools not telling parents where the child named John he/him is now Jane she/her and teachers being told they must adhere to a child's chosen pronouns. Parents being allowed to drop children at reception in nappies snd teachers being expected to change any shitty nappies. Parents not teaching/helping children brush their teeth whilst simultaneously feeding them shit and giving them copious amounts of sugary drinks, then being told it's not their fault and the school/teachers will clean children's teeth.

Personal responsibility had gone out the window, not only that but it's definitely not your fault and you should expect the state to sort it out. The words 'entitled' and 'me first' sum up the country.

A lot of those dads were shit before the woman ever fell pregnant so I am not excusing a lot of these mothers either.

Oh believe me, as a teacher you have to second guess everything you say. Then you question yourself after to make sure you didn't say anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate. Some students will actively accuse staff of anything, because they can march to their pastoral support to say they've felt offended/traumatised/bullied simply reinforcing school rules. It really is difficult as meanwhile said pupils have spent the lesson disrupting, goading and threatening. Xx

Last week a twelve year old boy innocently making his way home from school was stabbed to death by a fourteen year old who had already attacked several others over the course of previous days (something that would have been almost unheard of in the 80/90s). So I'm not going to say they are getting worse now but I'll take a good deal of convincing that they're getting that much better.

I don't believe we are in a parenting crisis, parenting today is far less harsh than it was even in the 90s , and children are given far more emotional support than in the past.

There's always been little shits, louts and hooligans, in my parents day it was no echo chamber of social media and online reporting of crime , indeed many crimes today wouldn't be crimes back in the 60s or 50's.

As parents in the 50's we wouldn't object to our children being beaten at school for minor things, sending them to fight in wars, who would support that now?

Who would support sending children to their room when they are upset and crying , or telling boys to 'man up' if they want emotional support.

I'd rather live in todays world than in the 'golden age' of the past, any day. In fact I think this is where all of this comes from, we have a zero tolerance for voilence these days, where as in the past it was sort of accepted, lots of horrific things were accepted like rape in marriage, having a fight on a Friday night with the lads for teens, driving drunk.

Ha, I saw this live in action with a mum at a baby group the other day and I thought ooooof you’re in for a hard time when he’s older!

'Gentle Parenting' has been understood by many to mean 'never say no'. I see this with my own sister. Her 3 year old rules the house with an iron fist because her parents are too terrified of the fall out if they don't give her whatever she wants.

I've come to the conclusion that society in general suffers if personal freedoms are given full reign.

WTF? This sounds very fascist.

I remember 10 year old Damilola Taylor being stabbed when I was at school in 2000. We do have a problem with knife crime but the homicide rate is similar now to what it was in the 90s. Murders peaked around the year 2000.

I’m a teacher and I have decided not to put any pupils in detention any more. This is due to the stress and workload it creates when I do. On countless occasions, the child who has received the detention has gone home and told their parent that the teacher is picking on them and hates them. They paint themselves as a victim. Or they lie about the incident even when the teacher has witnessed it. Completely deny it. Parents then call up and make a complaint about the teacher. It is exhausting. It is really concerning the way things are going. Parents do not seem to teach their children to take responsibility for their actions. There aren’t any consequences anymore. It’s making me want to quit teaching.

@pananamana 😬didn't mean it to. Personal freedoms of what makes money is all that matters and society can go hang, is what I was getting at.

So do I but we remember Damilola's name because back then it was so standout shocking, the same way we remember Columbine for the same reasons. I certainly couldn't recall the names of all the children who have been stabbed to death in recent times or any of the schools that have had fatal or near fatal knife attacks happen in them because they seem to be so depressingly commonplace these days.

We are to blame… look what our kids have access to.

The internet is poisoning our kids from a young age.

We give them smart devices from young ages. Christ some kids are plonked in front of YouTube so much that they speak with an American accent.

I feel sorry for teachers because they are faced with all sorts of behaviour from kids.

Whilst technology is great in many ways, it’s very apparent it’s also harmful in others.

As a teacher and a parent of four children, parenting support has massively reduced where I live. The social and emotional impact of today’s society is really hard on kids. I don’t work in secondary but high school isn’t very caring at all and my eldest son has felt for a long time that the teachers just don’t care about them. As I teacher I understand the demands on a teacher but this is heartbreaking. It’s all exams orinated. I’m not even really blaming the teachers it’s the government’s expectations and not resources enough. It’s horrible.

Agree OP. I think it's half lazy parents who let their kids run riot, watch anything on social media, no boundaries or consequences etc - and half conscientious parents who are trying to parent properly but are scuppered at every turn by tech companies, lack of time to parent properly as work and chores take up so much time, and by the world in general.

My son is year 9. Biased, but he is a very good child. He got his 2nd ever negative point yesterday with an email about his disruptive behaviour and not following instructions. We emailed back asking for more details as he was vague and couldn't see what he did wrong. He is autistic and in his mind there was no problem. The teacher called us today and said she sends lots of emails each week and has for years and we are only the 2nd parents to ever contact her to ask for more information. She was really grateful that we questioned it.

We then discussed it with him, he now understands and off his own back has said he will go and find her to apologise tomorrow.

The poor teachers have no chance if the parents don't care!

It's hard on the children when they start school: suddenly they are one of 25 or 30, and have to wait their turn. If they hit someone who tries to take the toy they like, they are firmly told not to. No-one mentions kind hands either. When they're 11, the teachers get cross when they haven't handed work in, or they want to talk to their mate in the lesson. It's sooo hard.