The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

Agree. When my DC were younger we knew a single Mum who said she didn't believe in saying the word 'no' to her DS. She was also disabled so not able to run after him easily - so he basically did whatever he wanted. They were obviously in a difficult and disadvantaged household - but watching him grow up was painful as he became more and more out of control.

A friend went for a day out with them and said it was horrific as he was hitting his Mum and being completely disobedient - aged about 7 or 8. Another time we all went to an informal holiday club (I stayed as DS has autism but this lad was dropped off) and he left the building and wandered off home.

Sadly - I heard he was eventually taken away from the Mum, which was tragic as he was all she had and she was devoted to him. But she did him no favours.....

Can I add one more thing? Not so long ago, there was often a parent at home a lot of the time that the kids were, not so much of this parking child with strangers early morning to almost bedtime.I always wondered how much damage this would cause in the long term. Apologies for not saying this more eloquently.
The combo of tired stressed parent/s with no choice but to work all hours and underpaid/undervalued and overworked childcare staff who likely change jobs far too regularly, ie new faces to get used to all the time for the children cannot be a good thing. I don't claim to have the answer to the issues we see today but maybe the Gov should make it far easier for parents to actually feel as though they have some leadership and choice in their parenting and working decisions.

Do you mean discipline or do you mean corporal punishment?

and if you mean the former please could you elaborate on the discipline you mean in particular? I’m not sure whether I am in agreement with you or not.

I agree with this. I'm a teacher and I had a very serious incident occur in my classroom. Both students were suspended. One set of parents is rang in and got their sons suspension overturned. The other set of parents rang in apologising on behalf of their son and he completed the suspension! So unfair

Theoretically this has improved a bit with WFH. But we’re all being told how important it is to get back to the offices - because those Pret sandwiches won’t buy themselves!

So unfair. Social, emotional and mental health should be a priority. Xx

@surreywilds I think this is one of the issues. It’s one of 2 extremes. The “good old days” were abusive and today we seem to be too soft (as you said a lot less harsh) - so soft that children don’t even know how to function within a community/society. I do think parents need support to understand the complexity of children growing up in todays world with tech etc and also appropriate ways to guide their kids (I say this as a parent that has taken courses such as mental health first aid for teens, and sat in on PTA organised sessions with local police on knife crime and revenge porn in schools). Nobody is saying bring back smacking and beating children - but how do we teach children right from wrong in a loving and stern way?

@MibsXX I 100% agree with this. Parents not being home is a huge factor. However I must say growing up in the 90s/00s, many of my friends and school peers had parents that worked and were never home - it definitely messed them up in some ways - and they often had access to a free house - which (unless they had siblings and a duty of care) meant that they would invite people over - sex, drugs etc - BUT they were still so so polite to their elders! But I definitely think flexible working needs to stay.

I agree with most PPs that mentioned being a teacher. My partner is a teacher and gets zero support from senior teams when it comes to behaviour. Infact they’ve recently banned sending very disruptive children out of the classroom. This is what we mean by discipline and consequences are missing for this generation. Now you can be naughty in class, disturb everyone else’s education and the teacher can’t even send you out or to the headteachers office - bizzar.

I fully agree, I'm a CAMHS Nurse any we have lots of young people whose parents do not put boundaries in . Children on mobiles all night and not in school as asleep all day
Parents putting their own needs first
No respect for any authority figures

Children accessing vile gore videos on the Internet and then coming to CAMHS with poor sleep and anxiety

A 4 year waiting list for Neuro diversity assessments when a lot of the children's behaviours will be down to their environment and upbringing . Parents just wanting g a label and then it absolves them of any responsibility
As someone else said we reap what we sow in society

I don’t know how we explain young people’s problems but I do take issue with the argument that all their problems are because of the uniquely difficult modern circumstances our kids now face: phones, social media, etc.

In every generation there is a bogeyman.

Yes, socialise with actual people, and don’t take to heart things complete randoms say on chat sites.

“always on” media I do think is a problem, though. Everyone’s brains need time to switch off and disengage. I don’t think our kids have this, they are used to constant stimulation: I don’t think the parenting books and gurus around since 2000 or thereabouts have helped here.

Great post! I do feel bad for all the parents who be only need an assessment being put to the back of the queue by people who just can’t parent and assume their badly behaved child must have ADHD

Do you ever have to tell parents “It’s not the child it’s you?” (In a nice way)?

I agree with this.

I also think it’s the parents who are distracted not the kids. Too busy being on their phones to help with homework listen to problems, read with them etc. I can be guilty of being involved in my phone and mostly get a good balance but I can see how easy it is to be all consumed online

Totally agree. I also think parents are unwilling to parent because they'd much rather be looking at their own phones. I see it all the time: out shopping, in restaurants, etc. Children are being ignored by their parents. No wonder they grow up undisciplined and with MH issues.

I absolutely agree there is a parenting crisis. We have a generation of kids being raised on ipads and phones. I cannot stand seeing kids in buggies watching some nonsense on a phone or kids in restaurants being made to shush with a phone rather than being taught normal social boundaries. We have parents who want to be their kids best friend rather than doing the hard stuff and parenting unwanted behaviour leading to the kids will be kids ethos. Parents are afraid their kids won't like them if they ban their kids from tech or ground them. We have teachers afraid of kids and parents who won't stand up for a teacher's right to be respected. We have a general post covid society of nastiness and it's always someone else's fault. The fact that 1 in 4 parents think its acceptable for school age children not to be toilet trained is ridiculous- that should be an exception due to a medical condition rather than parents absolving themselves of responsibilities. Kids need structure that requires adults to step up and do ghe hard stuff. I have no idea what the answer is but it isn't what is happening now.

Oh dear me.

Negatives:

Both parents having to work full time for many families
in many cases zero support from anyone - unlike previous generations where families would help
Poor housing and cost of living
social media
Gaming on screens
less time outside
not enough exercise
UPF everywhere
negativity
too much emphasis on grades, rather than a well rounded education

positives:

less violence in homes
more support for mental health
better parenting generally in terms of the laws around beating and hitting
less smoking
less alcohol consumption
more interest in the planet and plastic than previous polluting generations
more understanding of difference (nd, sexuality, race)
greater laws around domestic violence
greater awareness and action around child sexual abuse
Internet is a gateway to knowledge and education
A more gentle society. Not so violent as previous generations
interested parents that listen to their children as majority view
children treated with more respect
organic fruit and a greater variety of fruit and vegetables all year round
poverty is not the same as poverty 50 years ago
parents are much switched on than they used to be

I think it more than balances out. No one generation is perfect. Violence has been in schools since the beginning of time. Some families are in cyclical generational poverty trap. Most families are doing a good enough job.

Please could you clarify what you think is so wrong with the previous statement?

EdithStourton · 04/02/2025 20:18

kids playing out would be violent and play so rough there were endless broken bones;
That was not my experience at all. I played out in a very socially mixed rural area in the 1970s and early 80s; *

Must say I grew up, same era on an large council estate built up area also went to the local state schools and like you never experienced this type of behaviour.

I am a “gentle parent” and my kids aren’t perfect but they are the tops of their classes and “pleasure[s] to teach” as per their school reports. It’s permissive parenting that’s the issue!

I think telling parents they shouldn’t swear at/hit their kids was great but we weren’t shown what to do instead. I am apparently a very strict mummy because I don’t allow devices unless it’s the weekend (with provisos on homework etc) and bedtime is non-negotiable. It’s been a steep learning curve to become to mum I am today and it took hours and hours of research into how kids learn, to even teach them. I am completely unsurprised with the results we are seeing.

I don't believe that things were wonderful back in the day. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and things were far from perfect. My parents grew up in the 50s and 60s and things were pretty bad then too for a lot of people, especially if you were poor.

Having said that there are huge problems now.

I've got 2 dc. 17yo and 9yo.

The behaviour in my 9yo school is appalling. Not just the kids but some of the parents are worse.

As a parent it also feels like you're fighting a losing battle. We have to work a lot just to cover the bills. Screens seem to rule. You try to set limits but you're having to keep up with everything changing technology and other parents don't seem to care.

My now 17yo always had to leave his phone downstairs at night and it would be pinging until all hours, this was as far back as primary school.

Most of my 9yo friends already have phones, TVs and consoles in their rooms.

I feel quite defeated a lot of the time.

It's strange how there are so many problems given all the perfect parents on here.

Isn’t it!

The real issue is the shit parenting of the boomers tbh - selfish, self absorbed and left a legacy of toxic plastic waste and little else.

My parents are boomers and were bloody brilliant. Much better parents because society allowed them to be, far better at parenting then my generation is. Namby pamby and all rather weak and vanilla.

Absolutely.

ND is being mistaken for bad behaviour when really the child doesn't know how to process whatevers happening or how to respond to it.

As for the number of people who are ND... Who knows? Foods, vaccines, chemicals/metals in the stuff we consume. I'm not saying it is these things, I obviously don't know for sure but it's bigger than people think

With all due respect poverty is fucking poverty mate and unless you've lived it you'll never know the true shitness that is wondering how you're going to feed the kids (not even sure if you'll get to eat too because the kids HAVE to come first), get petrol to take them to school/pay for a bus for yourself, the stress that makes you ill because you've got no money. It's Easter and you cant afford to buy your little ones and egg.

I'm fortunate to have some incredible people in my life who when they found out my situation were very generous and supportive but not everyone has that luck.

This time last year my family was in poverty and I'll never forget that low and never take for granted any situation where I'm not living like that.