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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

167 replies

q1056 · 03/02/2025 13:44

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 03/02/2025 13:46

Is this imposter syndrome? Or are you under performance review?

Original poster
q1056 · 03/02/2025 13:46

@Doggymummar not under performance review but i definitely feel like it is coming

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 03/02/2025 13:46

ah lovely your confidence has been affected which is understandable - you’re juggling the pressures of being a single mother and a full on full time job and it’s bound to take its toll. Is there any scope to reduce your hours or introduce childcare to deal
with pickup time ? In your situation I would start to look for a new job with a more understanding culture but if it’s making you ill then please don’t be scared to take some sick leave either

Original poster
q1056 · 03/02/2025 13:48

@CoastalCalm i just feel like I can’t do it. As in like I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. I feel frazzled from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I don’t know how to find another job, I’ve been in this one for years. Can’t remember my last interview in much detail. I feel sick.

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 13:49

We can't always do it all, all of the time something has to give.
Can you take a step down perhaps to another firm so you are still working but with less stress and less responsibility and a less toxic environment?

Uion · 03/02/2025 13:50

I bet you’re fab at your job. It sounds like imposter syndrome

NewYear0Me · 03/02/2025 13:52

Oh I’ve been there and it wasn’t until I was forced to change roles I realised the manager constantly undermining me was the huge factor not my ability. I took a drop down one level only to move up again within a year as my confidence came back and with a different mgr I was so much happier. Look to change roles and be kind to yourself it’s utterly exhausting when kids are little with endless illness and broken sleep!

minipie · 03/02/2025 13:52

Are you in private practice or in house?

CoolOtter · 03/02/2025 13:52

Ok, breathe and let's unpack this.

In you career prior to this, how was it going? What kind of feedback were you receiving?
What find of firm are you working for?
Does it have an HR dept?
What is the office environment like; team spirit, colleagues.....?

Doggymummar · 03/02/2025 13:53

Ok so you have to work on getting back up to speed. Are there courses you need to take to brush up? What area of the law are you in? Can you get more childcare/help at home. Occupational health or EAP at work. Do you have a mentor?

mumminators · 03/02/2025 13:54

Can you take some time off with stress to recalibrate? A dose of pneumonia sorted me out when I was in a similar situation a few years back. When I was recovered but still signed off I took the time to find something else, properly wrote down what I was looking for, came up with a super polished CV etc. Walked into double the money, fewer hours and a boss who thought I was a genius :-)

Sometimes you just reach a dead end somewhere and if someone has formed (even an unfair) opinion of you, you will struggle to overcome it.

I'm in a similar sector to you.

5128gap · 03/02/2025 13:55

Unfortunately if you have an unsupportive manager who has taken against you, it will be very very difficult to avoid 'issues'. Because none of us are perfect we rely on bring sufficiently valued and supported that our errors are kept in perspective and we are cut some slack when we need it. If you have a manager unwilling to do this and determined to jump on every mistake going as far as they can with it, you're going to stay in a viscious circle of low confidence leading to poorer performance. If I were you I'd look for another job as you will make yourself ill with worry trying to be perfect in this one.

Whatsitreallylike · 03/02/2025 13:56

This is a confidence issue. I’ve had it, I’m in a similar professional role with high expectations and a similar aged child. I’ve had the same concerns and will leave.

Id suggest you get out now, you’ve nothing to lose if you think performance review is coming anyway. Jump now, I’m sure you’ll find your feet and your confidence.

Wingingitnancy · 03/02/2025 13:58

Oh OP, that's a horrible feeling. You've done it for years, what you think about yourself isn't true! Sounds like your burned out and your minds gone foggy trying to push yourself too much.
I felt like this before too prior to I a very bad breakdown.

It sounds like you need a week off to rethink. Plan out rejigging childcare, perhaps pursue a different job/career see what could be available with your experience in another area in a more positive work place. Just take a step back and re-prioritse what you want your life to look like, because how your feeling now and this job doesn't sound like it's great. X

CoolOtter · 03/02/2025 13:59

TBH, I once felt like this, as if my brain had been scrambled, everything seemed tangled up and I couldn't get on track at work. Turns out it was the menopause. Not suggesting that for you, but it did make me realise the effect hormones can have on the brain. Have you spoken to you GP about what you are experiencing?

Also, where is the father in this scenario?

Original poster
q1056 · 03/02/2025 13:59

minipie · 03/02/2025 13:52

Are you in private practice or in house?

@minipie private

OP posts:
Original poster
q1056 · 03/02/2025 14:02

Whatsitreallylike · 03/02/2025 13:56

This is a confidence issue. I’ve had it, I’m in a similar professional role with high expectations and a similar aged child. I’ve had the same concerns and will leave.

Id suggest you get out now, you’ve nothing to lose if you think performance review is coming anyway. Jump now, I’m sure you’ll find your feet and your confidence.

@Whatsitreallylike what do I do though? I have limited savings and limited options in that respect

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 03/02/2025 14:03

I think you need to take some sick leave. You don’t sound well. Once you feel better, do some relevant post grad course to help you with your role. Then go back to work.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/02/2025 14:04

You need a new firm not a new career!

Look around for similar roles with a different company.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 14:05

I think it sounds as though you're suffering from depression, OP, and are becoming really overwhelmed. Could you book an appointment with your doctor?

Lamelie · 03/02/2025 14:08

It’s confidence Flowers
Look into this. It’s really high quality free coaching.
able-futures.co.uk

Crikeyalmighty · 03/02/2025 14:11

What's the domestic situation lovely - do you rent/own ? Do you get maintenance - because my first thought would be to drop back for 18 months and look for a paralegal job - ideally 3 or 4 days a week and have a bit of a breather- you might get top ups too if you don't have tons of savings. I felt like this 5 days a week with a child that age and not much domestic support even though married.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/02/2025 14:13

@q1056 if you are 12 years PQE then you obviously do know what you are doing.

It sounds to me like you are being bullied in the hope that you will leave and consequently you are becoming depressed.

I am a solicitor and know how brutal corporate/commercial can be.

I think you need to take a break, get signed off and try and make a plan, don't leave under your own volition and let them off the hook.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, its awful I know.

Bigcat25 · 03/02/2025 14:14

Op I think you're too hard on yourself. Qualifying as a lawyer, and being a single parent is a huge achievement. I'm sure you're very tired and it sounds like your boss is a huge asshole who has undermined your confidence. Personally I find when I'm nervous I'm more error prone and the feeling of being watched over sucks.

Is there anyway you could get more help at home, ie, babysitter and cleaner to give you a bit of a break and a rest?

Your boss sounds very sexist.

Perhaps some counselling to help your confidence, or coaching through an interview might be good?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 14:14

I agree that you'd benefit from a word with your GP. You might need some antidepressants as you sound more depressed than anything to me. Maybe taking some sick leave and getting started on antidepressants will help you get your head straight. You can always leave afterwards if you feel this hasn't helped, but I think it would be a good idea to try everything you can first, before you quit.