Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

[q1056]

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

Is there a HR department you can speak to? It’s up to the firm to ensure you have the appropriate training to fulfill the role. I think an appointment with your GP also sounds like a good idea. Try and stay calm OP, you wouldn’t have made it this far if you couldn’t do your job. Things will get better if you start being honest and asking for help even if that ultimately means looking for another job. Sending you positive energy. X

I felt a bit like you after I went back to my firm following second mat leave. I was a salaried partner at a niche firm and knew I wanted out - mainly due to work life balance but also as I felt I couldn’t really cut it as a partner (I was good at a very narrow niche but rabbit in headlights at anything else).

I had trained there and because I was so specialised I thought “what else can I do? No one else will have me”?.

But I ended up in an internal facing role at a leading City firm (a bit like a knowledge lawyer but not that) and I am so happy with the change! It’s a 9-5 with literally zero stress - I know I am very very lucky. The first 6 months was a bit more challenging with it being a new role and me having to earn my stripes but it was still perfectly manageable despite me fretting beforehand.

Big firms do have these slightly random roles and it made me realise that I definitely did have lots of useful transferable skills and didn’t have to stick with a traditional fee earning role. Eg, CSR, innovation and legal technology.

I would speak to some recruiters to see what they can suggest about alternative careers in the law/law firms IF that’s something of interest.

But equally I agree with other posters, it may be imposter syndrome and the general stress of juggling family and career that is making you feel this way together with your unsupportive boss. So if you didn’t feel like this before you went on mat leave and you were broadly happy with your role and your capabilities then maybe don’t be too quick to give it up.

Feel free to pm me if you fancy a chat.

It sounds to me like you have a toxic boss rather than anything else! Spelling a name wrong is unfortunately but not an indicator of your ability to do your job - and usually fixed with an apology! Especially if it’s a one off.

Also there could well be some imposter syndrome on your part but it might just be the shitty boss.

I am a lawyer and work for the civil service. Whilst it’s by no means an easy ride or a job you can coast, what it is is scrupulously fair. So there would be active consideration being given to not discriminating against you, rather than your boss’s own prejudices being allowed to hold you back. And managers are answerable.

You obviously have to do your job and work the correct number of hours but as I say, it is fair (unless the department isn’t doing its job properly and that would be found out).

People who slag off the CS as being an easy ride etc are usually people who dislike the notion of fairness to previously disadvantaged groups. So that should give you a guide.

Can you do some refresher training?

Also there isn't really an excuse for getting people's names wrong. When I've experienced that sort of lack of attention to detail when dealing with solicitors it really causes me to lose confidence in their ability.

Perhaps being in a demanding job just isn't right for you at this stage of life.

I knew a solicitor once who was ok at her job but had a lot of personal problems and was flaky as anything. She was never unemployed. As soon as she started to screw up at one job she'd immediately move to another and I am not talking about tin pot companies - they were all high profile, high net worth companies. I asked her once how she did it and she said "they're glad to be rid of me so they don't bad mouth me, there's a shortage of fully qualified solicitors so the new guys don't ask too many questions"

I am not sure how true this is and I don't mean to compare you to her at all, but with that in mind, I'd just move on as quickly as possible. If your boss is as fed up with you as you say they'll be glad to see you go and make it easy. Find a lower profile, family friendly job that fits around your child. Life is too short to be miserable at work.

I started my own business so I didn't have to deal with picky bosses. It'll never make big bucks so nothing like a professional job like yours but I well remember the misery of feeling trapped at work.

You’ve had a bit of a rough time and a confidence dent. It’s to be expected.

You need to change how you see/talk about yourself. You’ve had twelve years of experience In law. Of course you know the subject! You’ve just got lots of other things going on too.

So you are making a few minor errors. You sound tired and wired. Do you have anyone who can look after your child for a night?

When I first became a single parent, I was so scared . I worried I wouldn’t be able to cope . But then I did. Now, I honestly think I am more confident than I have ever been. I can run a house, manage a child and work - all by myself. That’s an achievement but it’s a damn hard one, which is why you are burnt out.

I would look at applying for other jobs, maybe in other fields like charity or one you could work from home more. Go for an increase in salary too. You’ve got great skills that people want.

OP you got good advice here. I’ll just add from the perspective of a careers advisor for experienced professionals - almost everyone struggles in the first few months after mat leave. It’s a huge readjustment, you feel like you can’t do your job anymore, you make little mistakes, you are hyper vigilant around others noticing your performance. The number of times I’ve heard this - it’s completely normal. In the vast majority of cases you get over it and feel much more like yourself in a few months’ time, or sometimes realise that this job no longer works for you and find something else. You CAN get your cv back into shape, you can refresh your interview skills. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. You might not be seeing it like this yet because of the stress you’re under. You’re being very hard on yourself!

It sounds like burnout and the job/manager is the issue rather than your ability. Go to the doctor get and get signed off for two weeks with stress/burnout. Spend that time looking for a new role, putting out feelers and talking to recruiters. Move on as quick as you can. I've worked for bad managers that make you feel like shit and great ones that build you up and help you fly. Do not waste your life working for the former.

Haven’t voted because there was no question and I think you’re being too harsh on yourself.
This sounds like a manager problem not a you problem. This stood out:
a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law

It just isn’t plausible that you suddenly can’t do your job. He’s chipping away at you and unfortunately he’s succeeding.

Hi OP. I’m a solicitor who qualified over 20 years ago (so old!) and I’d advise as follows-
— First of all, don’t rush into anything. It’s normal to have a wobble when you return from mat leave. It’s not true that you can’t do your job- you’ve done it fine for 12 years- but it’s natural to find the return a challenge, especially if you have an unsupportive manager.
-Definitely ignore people telling you to become a paralegal, wtf?
-Are you at decent-sized firm? If so I would expect there to be support available, either specifically for returners or a more general mentoring scheme. Would suggest you look in to this.
-Would also suggest that you talk to someone about expectations around hours etc and what is going to work with your childcare commitments. I’m guessing that you’re a senior associate or similar and your bad manager is a partner? You can speak to your head of dept or any other partner in the group if your immediate manager is not approachable, or to HR. (My OH was head of dept at his firm for many years and this sort of thing is absolutely bread and butter stuff that they should be set up to help you with.)
-At 12y per you are a hugely valuable asset to the firm. Remember that.
-You might want to think about in-house/public sector. But I would urge you to take your time over this rather than panicking and feeling you have to leave asap. Give your firm a chance to support you.
-It’s fairly common in this sort of situation where someone does end up leaving because you can’t find a way to make it work, for the person to leave with a large payout and agreed reference. So if things are headed in that direction, consider taking legal advice yourself. But again, I wouldn’t rush down this route. There may be things that can change quite easily- some training for you, a different manager, clearer guidance on hours etc- that will make things 10x better. You have given 12 years to a private practice corporate role- don’t now panic and sell yourself out too cheap.

Most women experience t“ I’m shit at work” feeling when coming back after mat leave
some ( like me ) are a bit shit , some just have such high expectations of themselves that they give themselves a hard time

i was shit for about 3 years but luckily Covid covered my tracks and then I changed jobs

my son is at school and I’m less knackered and in an easier job

i hate working for people who don’t have young kids as they don’t get it , my current manager is a macho sexist shitbag so im looking for a better situation

it will get better, hang in there

It hasn't taken 12 years for you to suddenly realise you don't know what you're doing. Of course you do! You've been doing it for 12 years. What's going on here is your new manager is making you think you don't know what you're doing. Your confidence is shredded by him (presumably) pecking away at you. You can either leave now, go off sick, or continue but start to keep a record of everything then present it to HR.
I am truly sorry someone else is making you feel like this they're obviously an insecure bully themselves.
Courage! And good luck. You can do this.

Speak to your GP, get signed off, speak to HR, get well again and take stock. Many law firms are much more supportive and much better than they used to be. You don’t need to stick at one where you are treated like this. You’re a hugely experienced and competent lawyer and you will easily get a job in a more supportive environment once back on your feet.

Are you me!? I'm also a commercial solicitor and have weathered various crises of confidence during my career (13yrs). I've always suffered with lack of confidence and feel like a total fraud that will one day be 'found out' - I think its so so common for women, particularly in high stakes, high stress industries. I have found it more so since having my family, and I think its due to the pressure. I'm very much the bread winner and so feel I can't fail as I'd be leaving the family with no income etc., which then places even more pressure on myself to ensure I'm not discovered as a fraud! I do realise when I say it out loud, that it's completely bonkers - It's hardly likely my company and colleagues have been 'fooled' by me for over a decade 😂

How I tend to get through it is by asking myself honestly - Have I progressed in my career since I started - the answer will most certainly be yes. Which demonstrates you do have skills, experience and abilities that have been recognized. Think about those occasions you tackled really difficult matters - you must have the skills in order to have done that. You may just be going through a tough time, but it doesn't mean you're bad at your job. More likely your managers style is not a great fit - that's not your fault, or in anyway related to your skills and capability to do your job. If you were advising your friend on this situation, you'd probably tell them to give themselves a break and that their manager sounds awful.

Objectively, spelling a name wrong or making typos doesn't equal bad solicitor either. We all make typos and silly mistakes - within legal and any other role out there you can think of. Your abilities and skills as a commercial solicitor is to consider the deal in the whole - identifying risks, burdens or complications, working with clients' risk appetites to judge whether those identified issues are acceptable or not, being able to express those risks in a digestible format for your clients so they're fully informed. A spelling error does not detract from your overall skills - don't let it tear away your confidence.

Whatever you opt to do (moving jobs or not), just remember that you're good at your job. You have lots of valuable experience and skills to lean into.

I think that’s great advice from @Mangoesintoapub , I will ad some non industry specific advice.

Can you throw some money at the problems at home to lessen the frantic and to slow the pace down?

• Child minder or babysitter to do daycare pickups to give you some breathing room?
• Cook or meal plan to cut down on that job.
• Cleaner
• Mother’s helper or babysitter with you if you have to work late from home
• laundry service

I think it sounds like a mix of low confidence after mat leave, burnout from a busy job and parenting alone and a not nice place to work. Not a good combination. If you were in a supportive firm you might cope with then other issues better. If you didn't have the other issues you might just cope in a not very nice workplace but not all at once. I would look around for other roles. If you have no time just register with an agency and let them do the work.

I came back from a second mat leave in a professional role which had changed whilst I was off that meant I felt like I knew nothing again. My flexible work request was refused so for the first time in 15 years I went job hunting. I hadn't had an external interview in that time. I dressed the part, used some things I heard from internal training in answers and tried to appear confident and it worked!

Start applying for new jobs before you get put on performance review. I imagine its imposter syndrome. Sometimes, fresh start will be good. New company and people to meet. I know interviews are daunting, but you'll get through then. Outsource as much as you can. Apply for flexible working. Good luck x

It's so so so hard - it's impossible to work at the same level as before when you're carrying all the mental load at home.
If you have a spare room would you consider getting an au pair to help with nursery pick ups and meal prep for your child and you? And child's laundry etc? X

Move in-house biggest game changer EVER. More work/ life balance, less pressure, more variety.

It’s so hard parenting and working…. often feels like you’re too tired to do a brilliant job of either! And my brain has never been what it was prior to kids - it’s like “baby brain” never really left me.

Is there any training you can do to feel that you’re filling any knowledge gaps? Or confidence & resilience type training?

12 years qualified and in that role several years, you clearly know what you’re doing and are competent. I think either work on regaining confidence or look for a fresh new challenge elsewhere.

Great post!

Spelling an unusual name wrong happens to us all and is no reflection of your legal ability! How are you finding the legal matters? Have you been overwhelmed with new pieces of work? Or are they giving it to you in manageable doses? If you have too much on your plate, that might be the problem rather than your ability to do the job at all.

You have been doing this a loooong time. I highly doubt that you don’t know what you are doing. It sounds more like you have lost confidence in yourself which is different.

Does your work offer coaching? I had back to work maternity coaching that really helped me, I also had coaching on return from covid as I couldnt do public speaking anymore even though it was my favourite part of my job. Both times it helped immensly. If your work don't offer it then find it privately. It will help you a lot to unpack things and put them back together again. Find a coach specialising in your area and needs, not one of these facebook life coaches, a corporate coach specialising in women.

This! Don’t let this one man ruin your career.