Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

[q1056]

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

Obviously not fab if she spelled someone's name wrong! That's actually a really big thing, not a small one. I wouldn't trust a solicitor who didn't have the attention to detail to check they'd got my name right because god only knows what they'd miss in complicated stuff.

It's a red flag if you see it as a small mistake and think you're being picked on about it. Because it's important.

OP you need to take a step back and think about what you need. Are you trying to juggle too much overall, or do you just need a career change? Have a look at some job listings online and see what sounds interesting to you.

If you've never had feedback or you've never felt like this before then it's bullying.

I had a bullying manager and because I'd never experienced it before I questioned my ability. My ability was very good, she was just threatened

It's good that you've recognised it. Is the company large enough for a managed move? Do you have internal or external contacts who could advise you about roles?

You sound unwell with the stress so maybe go to the doctor to get signed off.

Take some sick leave.

Go to your GP and ask for a complete blood panel.

You especially need your thyroid hormone levels checked, as well as vitamin D levels, but all other indicators need to be checked too. You may be entering peri menopause.

Get therapy to work on your confidence.

I wish I could be that fussy... it's rare I've not had to correct work done for me by a solicitor.. hell, in my split, both sides missed that they'd got my eldest's date of birth wrong.

You are no less competent now than you were before. It sounds like you are having a crisis of confidence, possibly brought on by trying to find a balance between being a corporate lawyer and a mum. And your manager nitpicking isn’t helping.

Please don’t doubt your professionalism but maybe speak to somebody who could help you pick yourself back up and find that balance between mum and lawyer. Perhaps a corporate psychologist or mentor?

OP, I think there's quite a lot going on here. the first is that you clearly DO have the skills if you've made it this far, BUT... you are making mistakes you shouldn't. Getting names wrong is just completely unacceptable, particlarly for a relatively senior and experienced lawyer. And while I have no idea what other "minor" mistakes you're making, I don't think you should underestimate the fact that you ARE making mistakes.

So you have to ask yourself why you're doing this? My guess its some combination of struggling to adjust post maternity leave and the stress of a new manager (which might be exacerbated if he's a bit of a misognist dick which, lets face it, is highly likely).

In private practice, I'd go talk to HR first. You need to lay out why your'e struggling. if you have agreed hours and/or flexi time and it's not being supported, that needs to be addressed. If you're struggling, at 12 years, I'd expect the firm to be invested in helping you to get back on track after the massive investment they've already made in your professional development. Lots of firms have post- maternity leave coaching or even just general coachingm/mentoring for women or lawyers at a certain stage in their careers.

Ok take a deep breath. Sounds like manager is shit. Do you have any female partners you could approach for advice? I had the same after having my first child (I didn’t have it with my second) - the only thing that worked for me was being honest with the people around me and then really hunkering down and working hard. Only you know if you have that energy in you - and it’s totally fine if you don’t.

I had to leave at 4pm for the nursery run some days - I would start reminding people hours in advance, block out my calendar (I still do this) and work all evening when my kid was in bed. It wasn’t pretty. It was worth it. I’m now a partner in a biglaw firm. It gets better, I promise.

Also - people make minor mistakes. Even really good lawyers. Anyone who says minor mistakes are a “really big thing” hasn't worked in our industry. It is fast paced and loaded with pressure. You’re not a junior conveyancer getting a road name wrong, you’re reviewing complex legal documents that require hours of attention and you’re focusing on small mistakes and not big wins. Brush yourself off and keep your head up.

You CAN pull it together. You are experienced and know how to do your job.

You need to get out of the doom spiral. Get organized with a daily priority list, and really take the moments to double check everything.
Begin day with the list, prioritize A, B & C
get thru the day & add, and strike off.
End of day, prioritize it again do you have in your head the next days work.
Do this on paper.

Proof read is essential - do you have a PA that you can lean on for proofing?

Do not socialize or chat at work (unless absolutely necessary), it’s a time killer. That’s for people with no kids!

You know this job. You can do it.

have a list for home too

While it may partly be a confidence issue, I hate to say you just do get very unsupportive women out there. If she’s decided you’re not up to it, it’ll be very hard to overcome. I went back to a high stress job after 2nd DC and was almost immediately disciplined and generally picked on. If she’s childless she’ll be frustrated or jealous, if she has kids ‘no one’ will have helped her ‘and she’s ok, look, so why can’t you be?’ So predictable. Personally, I’d move/retrain/get out before your MH is hot even more xxx good luck op

Sorry you're feeling so frazzled, OP. There is a fabulous charity called LawCare who offer a confidential helpline for people experiencing wellbeing issues. It's staffed by people who are or were in practice and could be a good place to chat through some of what you're experiencing. If you google them l'm sure their site will come up.

Seconding all the advice about looking after yourself (and not beating yourself up for normal mistakes!)

Your workplace doesn't sound very supportive; it sounds like the kind of place where you have to fight to retain any confidence rather than grow it.

Looking for new jobs can be hugely stressful and is a specialism in itself these days. I suggest applying to jobs as practice as a start and initially not taking it too seriously. (As self-protection. Job hunting can be brutal, especially if you're already prone to self-criticism). But I do think you need to gradually build a path/express way/yellow brick road for yourself away from your boss and pressure-cooker company.

I failed around nine/ten interviews last year. I finally got a job offer last week.

Good luck. 🌻

I would recommend getting a mentor.

Small mistakes happen. A good manager would support you, coach and mentor you back to your best. Not beat you when you’re down.

Do not allow someone to make you feel like you are stupid or have lost skills. Get some therapy or a mentor or something. You need a positive voice advocating for you!

you sound like me, my work anxiety/imposter syndrome has gone wild the last 6 months, to the point I feel unable to function, it was following a difficult time in my life. I have been totally transparent with my company and told them the support I need and the actions I am going to take (I’ve been there 10 years, doing a similar role so they fully support me). Like you it’s been making me sick, from the moment I open my inbox to the time I go to bed. It’s so hard, I understand - can you find a mentor, a coach, counselling, anything. It’s not your ability, it’s your mind holding you back. Sending love, it’ll get better, it will x

A lot of mums who were amazing lawyers pre-kids, struggle to return to the same level of devotion, concentration and detail after having kids. It’s not a biological thing, your priorities have changed and you can’t be doing the 16 hour office days you did before. You’re expecting yourself to be back up to speed with less hours to do so. That isn’t your fault that’s an industry fault expecting you to fit 16hrs of work into an 8hour day.

Don’t doubt your ability OP, it may be that you need to move to a more family friendly practice,( commercial isn’t that! ) until you’re able to dedicate the amount of work and time that commercial requires.

Oh just to add to my earlier post- remember it’s absolutely normal for multiple people to review a document. If you’re struggling with small errors and typos you can ask someone to proof-read for you (eg a trainee or nq- if you ask them for comments generally you can also give them feedback so it’s a learning opportunity). This is a really standard thing to do. Yes documents shouldn’t be going out with errors but we all know that getting them to that error-free state is often the work of multiple people. There comes a point when you’ve worked on a document for so long you can no longer see what it actually says, only what you think it says, and that’s when a second pair of eyes is helpful.

Returning from mat leave is hard. Working in law is hard. Being a single parent is hard. You can do your job, but you are going through a tough patch.

Don't beat yourself up. I agree you should go and have a chat with your GP. Please also set up some calls with recruiters. There are lots of options out there for you. In house, government work, PSL, different firm still in private practice but with more family friendly partners.

Do you have any support IRL? You need to carve some time out for looking at your options. If there is someone who will look after DC for an hour or two once a week you could spend that on nothing but looking at other job options. You'll feel better from taking some positive steps.

Good luck 💪

If you've been working for 12 years I don't imagine for a minute you 'can't do your job' and mat leave does not mean your skills vanish. It does sound like you have a bullying (and sexist) micromanager, though, and should look for a new job.

When you have a crappy boss, it definitely makes you make more mistakes - I was an editor and had a manager like this and I was so relieved when I read the memoir of a famous editor who said that when she had a hyper-critical manager she made more errors because she was on edge.

I agree with PPs you should get some help with your confidence, and start looking for new jobs. This definitely sounds like a manager problem, and not a 'you' problem.

Property solicitor in the same boat. Mum to a just turned three year old. But my boat is sinking a bit faster than yours, I’ve actually
made a big mistake and nothing as minor as spelling. It’s hard isn’t it.

There are a number of organisations that run returners programmes for lawyers who have taken a career break and are struggling with their confidence/interview skills etc. That might help?

You are confusing separate issues. Not spelling someone's name or an unusual word correctly is not ok, check more carefully now you know this is an issue.
Not being able to leave on time, needs reporting higher. And just leave. Just do it. Saying he doesn't want women to progress, what exactly do you mean by this, how has this presented itself if he's your new boss?

I agree @q1056 this sounds like you’re anxious and struggling, and need some sick leave to recover. Could you then think about asking to move teams within the business perhaps?

I was also going to sugguest looking at public sector employers - civil service, local authorities, arm's length bodies; and pseudo-public like Network Rail, water companies, utilities. I work for an arm's length body - all our solicitors, make and female, have come from private practice for a better work/life balance. Less pay, more flexibility, shorter hours. I also know a couple of local authority solicitors, who moved to the public sector after maternity leave.

You can become a really well paid paralegal - some London firms pay paralegals a lot! Temporarily, obviously! Or even a specific project paralegal - they often recruit just for one big litigation, for the duration. Be kind to yourself. You are already qualified, you are not chasing a training contract - just a temporary stopgap! And when things settle a bit, back in you go as a solicitor - people will understand.