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Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

167 replies

q1056 · 03/02/2025 13:44

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

OP posts:
Foreveronthemove · 05/02/2025 08:13

I was in exactly in the same situation but a different sector. Came back from mat leave to a new manager, who called me up on anything and everything. I had never had a performance issue before and he really made me feel like I was utterly useless at my job. This, coupled with extreme baby related fatigue ( she was a terrible sleeper) ongoing PND and daily criticism at work and I was at rock bottom. I started applying for similar roles and moved to a new job 9months later. It came with a pay increase and a lovely manager and I quickly realised I knew exactly what I was doing when I was not being criticised and micromanaged. Have faith in yourself and don’t let this awful man destroy your self worth. Start looking for a new role. I had a period of 3 weeks sick leave in the time I was looking for a new job as I really needed it for my well-being and I recommend you do the same.

MovingBird123 · 05/02/2025 08:19

When I saw the title I was expecting to see someone who managed to get a job unqualified. You ARE qualified, but you're just carrying so much right now. Frustrating that your manager isn't supportive. Is there someone else at work you can talk to?

MaryJane87 · 05/02/2025 08:21

Whether they'd offer 6 months net pay would really depend how they viewed the situation, and whether they thought there was a risk of you successfully claiming constructive dismissal or generally kicking up a stink (grievance etc). They may well go for 6. However, as a rule of thumb I'd expect they'd go for at least notice (I'd expect 3 months?) which would either be paid in lieu, or as garden leave, plus perhaps another month ex gratia payment (which would be tax free).

What you have to remember is that if there is a genuine capability issue (not saying there is but if that's how they are perceiving it, or if you feel so stressed / unwell now that you it could develop into that), then it would become an HR headache for them having to go through the motions with you and ensure they are doing capability procedures correctly and fairly - employers often cock up and managers are often too busy to want to deal with it. If you raised a grievance they'd also hate having to deal with that. This all gives you leverage as they would rather have a clean break and not risk any claims / hassle.

Definitely speak to an employment lawyer - most offer a free initial call and they will be happy to talk through your options. If you go down this route they can help you make a settlement approach in writing (i.e. draft it for you to send), or help you ask for a protected conversation to discuss the situation in a meeting (they wouldn't attend that but can give you pointers as to what to say). This may also in turn lead to a settlement offer.

4 managers since you came back is chaotic - no wonder you're stressed - especially when managing the general single mum juggle and experiencing confidence eroding management styles. Excluding from pay reviews sounds off too. Definitely enough to work with here for a settlement approach. If you have any long term MH issues and feel unsupported that would also be very relevant and would likely help get you a settlement.

I know some have said speak to them about it first and see if that helps. That might work. But I in my experience solicitors know what's going on and sometimes for various reasons get a set idea about someone that they then won't shift. I guess it also depends whether you would ideally prefer to stay there long term, if this is a blip that could be sorted out. From what you've said it sounds like maybe this firm is all over the place, and so I'm not sure that's the case.

Sounds to me like you've been unlucky, but also perhaps you would find things easier to manage generally elsewhere, either another firm or in house. For example, at least in house, even if you had complex new work you were less familiar with you wouldn't have the constant pressure of billing, time recording, bringing in work, BD initiatives etc, and you could dedicate more time to brushing up and learning. One thing I would check though is what the internal support networks are like - there are often buddying schemes / online networks in bigger organisations, or you may have a decent supervisor allocated.

As for worrying about sick leave - I wouldn't. Some employers just go by the employment reference (which will 95% of the time only refer to dates of employment and role) so would never even ask or know about it. Bigger firms or organisations may well ask you to disclose any sickness absences within say the past 12 months on a health questionnaire, but this should only be sent out after you have received a job offer. You would need to disclose it but just be brief but open about the reason. If it is linked to a disability (i.e. long term MH issue) then they'd have to discount that as disability related sick leave anyway (unless it was a shocking amount e.g. years). I have long term health conditions all of which I disclosed, and the jobs that asked about it were not put off by it at all.

One tip - when getting signed off sick by your GP it would be better for them to include 'anxiety' or 'depression' rather than just 'stress' - as those are more likely to be considered disabilities than stress (they wouldn't be disabilities unless they were long term and substantial conditions, but a new employer would prob be more wary about raising any issues with it as they sound more legit than just 'stress').

If you only had a couple of months off due to anxiety, then I'd be really surprised if you had job offers withdrawn on that basis. It'd help if you can explain a narrative for why you became anxious for that set time about an issue, and how it has now resolved and won't be likely to come back.

I'd recommend speaking to an employment lawyer before you take your next step. Perhaps try a couple to see if the advice is broadly similar. They would get paid for advising on your settlement agreement (if a deal is reached) and are paid recently for this (by your employer) and it is relatively easy work, so you should find plenty of takers.

Good luck OP, this phase will pass!

kickasssinglemum · 05/02/2025 08:25

q1056 · 05/02/2025 07:38

@kickasssinglemum thank you for sharing, do you mind me asking if you took a pay cut in house? And also, how do you find the work? I am worried I don’t have masses of drafting experience in all of the areas they tend to expect (I do have the experience but not loads of it). I’m worried I would start in house and then not know what to do. Are you the only in house counsel or is there a team? And did you leave your other job as you were worried about performance/had been called up on it? I’m so stressed and have also lost weight etc. I worry if I take time off sick then I will look bad with a new employer too.

I took a slight pay it but it has now evened itself out. My hours are 9-5 and I don’t have to work a second over. I do 2 days in the office and 3 from home. On the 3 days from home I can do childcare drop offs and pick ups no problem. On the two office days I go in late and leave early due to childcare with no issues, as I submitted a flexible working request once I started. We get 30 days annual leave + 10 bank holidays so it’s much more generous in terms of flexible working and time off. Inhouse is an absolute dream compared to private practice, I would never go back to private practice for all the money in the world!!

There is a team of 9 of us in my in-house legal team which is quite big compared to most, but we all each do our own area of law. I find inhouse much easier as the company is your client and your business colleagues that you are advising our experts in their field and you are just keeping them right legally. A lot of it I am totally winging, you’re not expected to know everything just so long as you can give advice you will be good.

When I took time off on sick leave it was only supposed to be 4 weeks and ended up being 4 months! I had no idea just how much I needed the down time to recover. So please try it and take some time to yourself to get back on track. When I was on sick leave I realised how toxic my work was and decided I wasn’t going back. I had the freedom to apply for other jobs and interview elsewhere. I didn’t tell my new job I was off on sick leave and my previous job didn’t mention it as it’s not allowed, as that would be discrimination! So don’t worry about that it all.

Get a doctors note asap for stress and anxiety and take some time off, then when your off start brushing up on your cv and look for inhouse roles. You’re lucky your experience is corporate/commerical because that is ideal for inhouse roles! That’s basically what they are all seeking experience wise.

q1056 · 05/02/2025 08:30

MaryJane87 · 05/02/2025 08:21

Whether they'd offer 6 months net pay would really depend how they viewed the situation, and whether they thought there was a risk of you successfully claiming constructive dismissal or generally kicking up a stink (grievance etc). They may well go for 6. However, as a rule of thumb I'd expect they'd go for at least notice (I'd expect 3 months?) which would either be paid in lieu, or as garden leave, plus perhaps another month ex gratia payment (which would be tax free).

What you have to remember is that if there is a genuine capability issue (not saying there is but if that's how they are perceiving it, or if you feel so stressed / unwell now that you it could develop into that), then it would become an HR headache for them having to go through the motions with you and ensure they are doing capability procedures correctly and fairly - employers often cock up and managers are often too busy to want to deal with it. If you raised a grievance they'd also hate having to deal with that. This all gives you leverage as they would rather have a clean break and not risk any claims / hassle.

Definitely speak to an employment lawyer - most offer a free initial call and they will be happy to talk through your options. If you go down this route they can help you make a settlement approach in writing (i.e. draft it for you to send), or help you ask for a protected conversation to discuss the situation in a meeting (they wouldn't attend that but can give you pointers as to what to say). This may also in turn lead to a settlement offer.

4 managers since you came back is chaotic - no wonder you're stressed - especially when managing the general single mum juggle and experiencing confidence eroding management styles. Excluding from pay reviews sounds off too. Definitely enough to work with here for a settlement approach. If you have any long term MH issues and feel unsupported that would also be very relevant and would likely help get you a settlement.

I know some have said speak to them about it first and see if that helps. That might work. But I in my experience solicitors know what's going on and sometimes for various reasons get a set idea about someone that they then won't shift. I guess it also depends whether you would ideally prefer to stay there long term, if this is a blip that could be sorted out. From what you've said it sounds like maybe this firm is all over the place, and so I'm not sure that's the case.

Sounds to me like you've been unlucky, but also perhaps you would find things easier to manage generally elsewhere, either another firm or in house. For example, at least in house, even if you had complex new work you were less familiar with you wouldn't have the constant pressure of billing, time recording, bringing in work, BD initiatives etc, and you could dedicate more time to brushing up and learning. One thing I would check though is what the internal support networks are like - there are often buddying schemes / online networks in bigger organisations, or you may have a decent supervisor allocated.

As for worrying about sick leave - I wouldn't. Some employers just go by the employment reference (which will 95% of the time only refer to dates of employment and role) so would never even ask or know about it. Bigger firms or organisations may well ask you to disclose any sickness absences within say the past 12 months on a health questionnaire, but this should only be sent out after you have received a job offer. You would need to disclose it but just be brief but open about the reason. If it is linked to a disability (i.e. long term MH issue) then they'd have to discount that as disability related sick leave anyway (unless it was a shocking amount e.g. years). I have long term health conditions all of which I disclosed, and the jobs that asked about it were not put off by it at all.

One tip - when getting signed off sick by your GP it would be better for them to include 'anxiety' or 'depression' rather than just 'stress' - as those are more likely to be considered disabilities than stress (they wouldn't be disabilities unless they were long term and substantial conditions, but a new employer would prob be more wary about raising any issues with it as they sound more legit than just 'stress').

If you only had a couple of months off due to anxiety, then I'd be really surprised if you had job offers withdrawn on that basis. It'd help if you can explain a narrative for why you became anxious for that set time about an issue, and how it has now resolved and won't be likely to come back.

I'd recommend speaking to an employment lawyer before you take your next step. Perhaps try a couple to see if the advice is broadly similar. They would get paid for advising on your settlement agreement (if a deal is reached) and are paid recently for this (by your employer) and it is relatively easy work, so you should find plenty of takers.

Good luck OP, this phase will pass!

@MaryJane87 thank you so much for taking the time to post this. I think if they gave me four months pay that would be around 20k. I can certainly see them paying me my notice without expecting me to be working but not sure they would go beyond that. They are a huge company. I have also raised mental health issue previously, I explained the manager changes had caused me significant stress and lack of understanding of my role and also raised directly with HR that interaction with one man in the team was causing me stress. After this meeting they said they would check in with me and never did. I don’t want to go down this route but I feel if they were to ever call me into a performance meeting I would react very badly to this as I would feel it was incredibly unfair in the circumstances. I think only if it came to that would I sign off sick and enter into these sorts of discussions about an exit. To me, performance review would be the final straw and I would feel pushed out. Ironically two days after I was pulled up on the spelling of this name, my manager did the exact same thing with another director’s name from the same company. I was copied into the email. Of course nothing was said about that.

OP posts:
blackbirdsingingoutside · 05/02/2025 09:12

I had this but with a mentor not a manager, similar in scenario though. She just didn't take to me and jumped on everything about me, the way I sat down, the way I put a book at the wrong angle. It starts off were you can laugh it off but it totally ground me down. At it's worst she was ranting about me in front of a whole office. I used to be full of confidence.

Goodtogossip · 05/02/2025 09:47

You're feeling overwhelmed at the minute. Slow down & breath. Has your Boss said anything about your work performance? If not then you must be doing ok. If they're picking up on things ask for a meeting & get to the bottom of where you're underperforming or what you need to improve on. Let them know you're struggling at the moment & ask if there's anyway you can update your skills, ie courses, shadowing a Colleague etc. Don't let this go on too much longer as it will definitely impact your MH & make you feel worse. Speak with your GP too as you may need medication for depression or anxiety to help you through it & get back on track.

Do you have anyone you can ask to help with Nursery runs if you're unable to get away on time? If you contact your local Council they will have a list of Childminders in your area that may be able to help.

eurochick · 05/02/2025 10:27

This is not an uncommon situation in law firms. But that doesn't make it any less shit to live through. The problem is that people get promoted in law firms because they are good at brining in business (or get lucky and have a good book of business land on their desks), not because they are any good at managing. Lots of people managing teams in law firms are absolutely terrible at it - micromanaging and demotivating their people.

You sound burnt out. I think a change could be good. In-house might work well and you have a good practice area for making that switch. Or even another firm. I was speaking with a former colleague recently and she said "I thought I couldn't work in private practice anymore but I've realised it was just firm x that I couldn't stand. I'm really enjoying it at firm y." She had quit firm x without a job to go to as she couldn't take it any longer.

My advice would be to start looking on LinkedIn to see what is out there at the moment and see if any former colleagues can recommend a recruitment agent to work with. A lot of them are utter sharks but a few are really helpful so a personal recommendation would go a long way. I can recommend someone who specialises in placing senior women if you PM me.

I was a law firm partner and got out a few years ago. I encountered various narcissistic/ micromanaging/self-interested / politics playing terrible managers along the way. I can feel the burn out from working with these idiots oozing from your posts. Get out, move on. You won't regret it.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/02/2025 13:29

CoolOtter · 03/02/2025 13:59

TBH, I once felt like this, as if my brain had been scrambled, everything seemed tangled up and I couldn't get on track at work. Turns out it was the menopause. Not suggesting that for you, but it did make me realise the effect hormones can have on the brain. Have you spoken to you GP about what you are experiencing?

Also, where is the father in this scenario?

Same.
I thought I had early onset dementia but turns out it was perimenopause. It's inexplicable to how much our hormones affect us

MaryJane87 · 05/02/2025 13:36

@eurochick your post really resonated with me and I think that's absolutely spot on - in my case the individuals in question were clearly crap managers, plain and simple. There should be a support / networking group for lawyers who've had rubbish experiences with managers / senior colleagues!

@q1056 that is awful if HR knew about the issues and impact on your health and failed to take action - even more ammunition for negotiations!

It sounds like you'd like to keep the sick pay / exit strategy plan in your armoury and see how it goes in the meantime. Sounds wise and hopefully just knowing it's there as an option might help you feel a bit more prepared and able to manage discussions about any additional support required etc.

The only thing I'd say is to keep an eye on how you are doing health-wise, because you may ultimately be better off gaining early control of the situation and taking action to negotiate an exit package now, rather than wait until you are really forced into a corner with a capability process and may be even more stressed / find it harder to fight back. I'd suggest speaking to an employment solicitor anyway so you can line them up if needed in a few weeks / months!

Does also seem sensible to have a look for alternative roles and do linkedin / recruiters as others have said, that way you may be able to leave more amicably and 'normally'. One of the downsides for me of my exit deal was the sudden cut off / my disappearance from the Firm which was a bit odd, although I don't regret it as I'm so glad to be out, and I'm still in touch with the people who matter (albeit can't tell them the details)!

89redballoons · 05/02/2025 14:15

OP, you sound like me. I'm also a lawyer in a corporate-related area, 8PQE with young DC. Absolutely hate my job, don't get on with colleagues, I'm so inefficient and poor at what I do, so easily distracted, waiting to be put on performance review.

I actually got a public sector job lined up for myself this time last year, went to hand in my notice and my manager told me I'd be silly to take a pay cut and go for reduced seniority as I was such an asset to the team etc. Looking back I think most of this came from the fact that a partner had just left our team and they were already having headaches over recruitment. I stayed for the money, cut down my hours and it's all the same/worse a year on. Absolutely wish I had taken the plunge last year, hoping a similar job comes up again and I can go for it, but really worried I might not get an offer again or that I get put on performance review or even have to go off with stress before I can do it again.

If my firm were offering voluntary redundancies at the moment I would grab it with both hands, as in the thick of everything I'm finding it very hard to imagine doing any job at all and being happy.

Sorry, not much help, just sympathy and a cautionary tale I guess.

XelaM · 05/02/2025 14:28

Document review projects are your answer if you want a super low-stress life. They are well-paid and involve zero stress and minimal responsibility. Agencies like Michael Page have some great long-term projects with MC and SC firms on.

abricotine · 05/02/2025 22:58

@XelaM what is it, outsourced due diligence?

abricotine · 05/02/2025 22:59

Asking for a friend 😂

FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed · 07/02/2025 07:49

OP (and anyone in her shoes) - I’d recommend Liz McGlone of DID Law - I’ve referred all sorts of employment law matters to her, including colleagues exiting the business where I’m GC, and taken her advice personally. I think she’s great.

XelaM · 07/02/2025 10:28

abricotine · 05/02/2025 22:58

@XelaM what is it, outsourced due diligence?

There are different kinds of doc review projects and the hourly rate varies depending on the firm and agency involved (with HSF paying the best rate ime) but usually it involves disclosure exercises in large litigation projects. If you're familiar with Relativity - it's basically reviewing and tagging documents on Relativity. Zero stress or responsibility 😆 and usually they are WFH projects (although some are hybrid).

Cakeandusername · 07/02/2025 15:20

Honestly go in house/public sector. WFH/flexibility. Being able to see dc in assembly/sports day, drop and pick up from school, more holidays. You are probably paying out a lot to keep afloat in present role so even if on first glance the salary is poor with lower overheads it may be doable.

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