Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

[q1056]

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

I would look for a new role with perhaps less pressure, maybe a slightly lower level or in house. Staying where you are isn't going to get better and will damage your confidence further.
Maybe counterintuitive but a slight change of field where you aren't actually expected to know everything on Day 1, and a supportive boss, could make all the difference.

Can you get some kind of work mentor/access development support at work? Or afford to pay for one personally? They can give you the space and brandwith To breathe and assess. I bet if you had a more understanding employer you would have more breathing space and feel less overwhelmed. Is there anyone in your network that has been there that you can talk to? When I went back to work I felt part of my brain died, but actually when a stressful life even was over I realised it was the stress that was making me feel dumb not my actual brain if that makes sense x

Corporate /contract law is a matter of re reading everything to make sure you haven't forgotten anything. I'm not a solicitor but my family are.
Let me guess the new manager is a man? Law firms are notorious for being unfriendly to family life. Shocking employment practices too.
I would challenge this person each time they put you down. Look around for another job. Ask at interview re work life balance. FWIW I'm not working for another middle aged man again. They're toxic and see me as a threat. Perhaps that's this guys problem?

This sounds really tough. I would def try and take some time out if you can but also consider in house. It is soo much better for a work/ life balance and your background in commercial would make you a fab asset. Set up a Linkedin page if you haven’t already and get looking/ applying. Happy to review your cv if you want to send me a message or contact some legal recruiters as they can often help. Also consider commercial office/ manager roles as your background would fit in well there. Civil service and LA may also be a good fit. Much more flexibility and less demanding- no time recording or costs targets for a start but not working with solicitors all the time you realise how high the expectations in a law firm really are.

Best of luck with whatever you do but try not to let this put you off law entirely as you will be able to get another job even if not in a law firm.

Someone upthread has mentioned taking a career break or becoming a paralegal. That would definitely be the wrong thing to do! If you were competent before you were having such a hard time, you'll be competent and increasingly confident again in the right environment. Talk to your GP if you feel like mental health support would be useful, and spend a few evenings after the baby is asleep knocking together a rough CV - rough is fine for now.

In house work might suit you beautifully - there are all sorts of working practices, environments and cultures, some of which are very much more family-friendly than any private practice role, IME. (I'm GC with a team of 10 lawyers and have two little kids so I know the challenges).

If you want to DM me, very happy to talk to you in more detail and confidentially, or to review an early CV draft. But DO NOT step back to being a paralegal, you'll never get back to where you are now and you'll turn a blip into a career-long problem.

How much of this sense of not knowing is external and how much of it is internal? You’ve had a career break to be a parent, you’re gonna need some catching up- everyone in your situation would. That’s natural. Try not to panic. Remember how strong at it you were before. You’ve got tonnes of years of experienced. You’ve got this.

Are you full time?

Hi OP
I am a solicitor too, qualified in 2015. I know exactly how you feel, i went on mat leave and didn’t return to my previous job. Moved firms and went to an awful one, they made me feel like i didn’t know what i was doing and really destroyed my confidence. That on top of trying to look after a toddler who was 2 at the time. I moved firms in the end and it was the best thing i ever did, i’m much more settled and my confidence has all come back. It will honestly be the firm you are at it’s not you. Try put your feelers out with a recruiter and i’m sure you will get offered a new position with a much better firm.

I agree - especially this:

a slight change of field where you aren't actually expected to know everything on Day 1

Bite the bullet and start looking for another job. Recruitment agencies may be helpful.

Don't wait for things to get worse with your current job.

@FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed yes I was the person saying that - I'm not in legal, so will def take your comment that my suggestion wasn't right as you know that market - interesting what you say about 'in house' though - many years ago I worked in recruitment both totally 'in house' and for agencies- and the difference was chalk and cheese- one felt very 'salesy' and in house simply wasn't and whilst it had pressures, the pressures were far more manageable - so yes OP - I think that isa good suggestion

As a manager and HR consultant - I’d firstly recommend that you speak to HR about this. They have a duty to support you, and your wellbeing, which is clearly being affected regardless of your performance.

You need to explain to them how you’re feeling, including any reasons why, and outline some ways that you think the situation could be improved.

It sounds like you need some clear feedback about your performance one way or the other, and it will bode well for you, if you’re proactive in looking for it.
Explain anything you need that would help you succeed (for example, is there a training need? Do you need a refresher? Do you need hours changed to be able to get back on track?)
Then, I’d suggest asking for a review period, to see how you feel once changes and feedback is in place, and you’ve had chance to improve.

You need to be honest with your employer, and see what they can do to support you. Remember, they have a duty to look after your wellbeing, support you in returning to work, and to ensure you can do your job.

Okay, so you've been doing that job for years, so you absolutely can do it. But it sounds like your boss is picking on you, and you feel overwhelmed juggling parenting with work, and that's making things really hard. Also, if you are describing brain fog, perhaps your hormones are at play! Are you an age where perimenopause may be contributing to your feelings?

I'm a solicitor. I hated private practice and now do child protection work with the local authority. All local authorities are crying out for for lawyers for cp work. I changed from divorce in private practice to it 5 years ago. Obviously it would be a big change and it has its stresses but your skills are transferable. I've gained flexibility, work with nice people and best of all, no pressure to account for every six minutes of your working day. A lot of my colleagues are young mums and it seems to work for them. Just a thought. Good luck xx

I forgot to add - there are a lot of comments implying you should look for another job.

I would suggest that it’s common for a new job be stressful and likely to make you doubt your abilities in the first few months. So a new job might not be the answer.

You need to be clear whether it’s your current job that is the issue, or whether your stress levels/confidence is the issue - because a new job won’t solve this.

Sounds to me as if you are being bullied. This will leave your confidence on the floor and you need to get out. Start applying for jobs. Have you considered a career coach? I bet they will help you see where you are being undermined.

You’ve been doing this for years so you are obviously capable which means this is outside forces making you feel this way.
So, have a think about those.

This new manager; what are some examples of them holding women (you) back and therefore probably knocking your confidence?

Food and drink - I was a single parent to 2 under 2, and I was a frazzled mess but a big thing was my diet. I was always dehydrated. I ended up hospitalised from dehydration and I couldn’t remember when I had last had a proper drink, and I was eating terribly around work and feeding the kids and looking after them. It had a huge impact on my ability to be good at my job (which I am good at) and I was never able to do it properly because I wasn’t giving my body the fuel it needed.

Sleep; see above. Sleep has a huge affect on your mental health and outlook. How are you sleeping?

Relax and recharge time - do you get much? Do you get any time to yourself, proper time to yourself not just when your child is asleep because you’re still “on” and always listening for them. Can you find some me time? A break?

Finding ways around it; what about using some annual leave to go down to a 4 day week for a couple of months? Take a day off a week? Flexible working might be an option too if you put in a request?

It’s really important to have a look at all things happening around you, because you can do your job so this isn’t you being unable to do it, this is all the pressure outside of it weighing you down and coming out in this imposter syndrome and stress reaction around work.

You are being bullied by your boss.
They are pressurising you into quitting. Either because they want to bring a less experienced person in for less money or because they are sexist and anticipate you will want more time off for childhood illnesses and won't be able to do unpaid weekend work at the drop of a hat, or simply because they are a prick and enjoy picking on people. What is the HR in your place like? keep a note of these incidences it will help you see a pattern and will help you judge whether this criticism is justified or not.

You've done so well so far... and its not easy... don't let this idiot undermine you. There has been some good advice about taking a short GP authorised break to get back on top of this.

One other thing to consider. Your son is 3... when will he start school. I found it was challenging in other ways, but in the run up to starting school they are maturing and want more stimulation and activity. Once they start school, they get all of that ( although it may have other challenges) but they do get into more of a routine and are ready for bed and this can make the whole thing a bit easier. So from that point, you don't have as long left to go with him as a toddler, which can be mega tiring.

Dont let a shit boss make you lose faith in yourself. There's been lots of advice, even from people in the same sector about starting to find something else less toxic. Sorry you are going through this, but you will get through it.

Do you have your own following? Could you go to one of the dispersed law firms where you just get paid for what you do bill? My husband works for Keystone. Very flexible, lovely people.

First thing I would do is go the GP. I had that exactly. Vitamin D supplements and anti depressants sorted me out.

In your situation, I'd take a few days off and speak to a recruiter.

Right, I would definitely recommend trying to find a job in house. It is so much more flexible and you work independently a lot more IME, without senior people breathing down your neck to turn things out fast and perfectly but also without billing too much 🙄. For most day to day queries the internal clients are just grateful to have someone who can give them an answer, they aren’t going to grill you over typos.

There are other issues with in house (fewer promotion opportunities, and lower pay, although senior associate pay in law firms is fairly shit for the hours and stress IMO) but for someone in your shoes it could be great.

And if it doesn’t work out, law firms are often very happy to have someone with in house experience back in practice.

Tap up contacts if you can - I bet you have ex colleagues now in-house who would be happy to have a coffee and chat about what it’s like, and you never know, there may be a vacancy there. But speak to agencies too.

OP I am also 12 years qualified in commercial law with young kids, and I have really struggled after mat leave. Imposter syndrome is like a constant malignant presence squatting on me. I actually had a call with a recruiter this afternoon because I saw an advert for a role that on paper is perfect for my experience - I nearly cancelled the call because I felt so sure he would "find me out", and I didn't want the humiliation of someone openly telling me that I'm not good enough.

If you are in private practice then you should seriously consider moving inhouse. There are absolutely loads of inhouse roles for commercial lawyers recruiting at the moment, and the private practice pay war means that lots of places are struggling to attract applicants so it's a good market for job seekers. Being inhouse is the only thing that has kept me sane - private practice would have broken me by now.

My other recent revelation that I am trying to embed in myself is that I don't need to be perfect at my current role in order to be valuable in a different role. Sometimes it is the role that is the problem, not you.

Could you speak to an employment lawyer to see if there are grounds for workplace bullying op?

Absolutely this. In my first job after university, I had a great manager who liked me and was supportive. He was then replaced with a battle axe of an editor who didn't like me from the word go, and pulled apart everything I did. Admittedly, i was crap at the admin side of the role but she basically found nothing good in anything I did and did me a huge favour letting me go after the probation period had ended.

I then went on to work at the company where I met my DH, so maybe sometimes things are meant to be crappy before they are good ❤️