Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

[q1056]

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

There's a few things here:

1. Stop being so hard on yourself. When a mistake is pointed out, say oh yes, I'll correct that. Even the grossest of negligence claims are fixed with insurance payouts and you are far too diligent to ever need that. Everyone makes mistakes, try to hone your rhino hide.
2. You need someone on your side and your manager is not it. Get on LinkedIn and get connected with some female lawyer networks. There are several, they are incredibly supportive and are great signposts to better opportunities and a better culture.
3. Make a plan to get out of this job - but give yourself adequate time. Get a CV together, I would also get a coach to help you target the best next move, appraise CV and coach interview technique. Even if you put the cost on a credit card it's worth it.
4. Consider in house. You have the perfect background - the hours are better, there are less corporate psycho types and it's all round less pressured.
5. Know that as your little one grows up they take less of your energy so that gets easier too.
6. If you need sick leave for stress take it but know you need to start finding that alternative job, and a story about time out to be with your child for when you re enter the job market. 7. Back yourself, ensure your internal monologue is on your side.

I work in same role as you. It’s very tough and few firms are accepting of child care hours needed (in fact I’ve worked at some firms where they say they encourage work life balance but when you start there they’re absolute f*ckers of the highest order).

Your confident has been knocked. If they keep making little digs it won’t get better. When I was in a not too dissimilar position I knew I had to leave and that’s exactly what I did. My confidence was rock bottom and I felt like a Dunce with a capital D.

Guess what: new firm, new colleagues, new work sources = bloody amazing. I found my confidence, I have been churning through work and, whilst it’s busy, I’m at a firm where the team are genuine in having each others backs, with a supportive manager who does not micromanage but is there when you need them.

There’s some very good agencies that can help you find a new place of work - and I generally check out Rollonfriday to get little gems of info about the companies I’m looking at.

Where about are you based (I know a really good job agency based in northwest - before I transferred up to north east - they will give you the lowdown on what’s expected from a wfh pov and what their firm is like in terms of benefits.

Oh and just to add - everyone makes little slips with spelling. Even the managers that moan - some have peculiar grammar too. They likely know they’re kicking you whilst you’re down and that’s totally shitty of them. You’ve 12 years PQE and that’s amazing and should put you in good stead for a senior associate position.

Hi OP, working FT and single parenthood/juggling all the balls is totally exhausting. That doesn't include the emotional turmoil that is a result of your circumstances/relationship breakdown. You clearly need support. Do you have close friends/family to help? You sound like you are heading for a breakdown.
When you are in that state, everything feels muddled/frazzled and constantly questioning yourself.
Please take care of yourself, as best you can. Please seek support

Also a lawyer. I would move from commercial into a less stressful environment with less hours.

Oh OP, I have been where you are (although my children were a little older and I wasn’t a single parent).

It’s called burn out. You can’t see the wood for the trees, your cortisol levels are through the roof and you have a constant, anxious feeling from the moment you wake up until you finally fall asleep. You can feel it all the time in the top of your chest. Sound familiar?

The first thing to do is start exercising. You need something to burn the anxiety and cortisol. Spinning, boxing, something like that. Get a babysitter for an hour a couple of times a week and do that. It will clear your head and improve your sleep.

The next thing to do is do your CV. Spend a few weeks working on it and perfecting it. Get a head hunter from a strong legal recruitment agency to help you with it.

Then start reaching out to all the good legal recruiters on LinkedIn. DM me if you want some names of London based people.

But remember this, you are in burn out. This is common. And you are not being supported where you are. You need to move on, but in your own timeframe. You are good at your job. Having a baby didn’t stop you being good at your job. You have years of training and experience under your belt. You deserve a new start and you will succeed.

Exactly this!

Sounds like you’re feeling unsafe at work. Your boss should have made your transition back to work much more comfortable for you. It’s so hard returning to a full on job.

I experience this from time to time, it’s off the scale around my period when I feel like I have a tumble weed blowing through my mind.

Write things down during the day that you’re struggling with. Make it specific. On reflection, you might find that there isn’t that much on paper but it’s more around the possibilities of things going wrong.

Having people at work who make you feel safe goes a long way. It’s hard when you feel alone. You’re having a wobble that’s all. You can do this. You’ve been doing it for years! One day at a time. Keep a journal and reflect on each day. X

When I had post natal depression I used to wake up every morning feeling sick and terrified, I was convinced I was talking rubbish and not making sense. Please speak to your Gp, you need support and help before you become completely overwhelmed, be kind to yourself and your little one🥰

I’m not suprised you are struggling it’s a high pressure role.
id suggest you update linked in and add the open to offers and let some recruitment agencies find you.
update your cv. Get a professional to write it if necessary.
reach out to anyone you know in other law firms.
nit sure what area you are in but maybe Kent Essex solicitors rather than London city.
4 days a week is more than enough.
if your are in litigation then try insurance loss adjusting.
good luck maybe book few days off work or go sick to get these bits sorted x

Can you pay for someone to help with your child - maybe wraparound care, to do drop offs and pick ups, clean up etc. - just to take some of the pressure off? It would give you some breathing room. The other option is to move to an in-house, government or regulatory role where the pay would be much less but the hours a lot better, just while your child is young. It's a well worn path.

you are a single parent - DIFFICULT
You are also highly qualified

I would suggest moving sideways into something less full on and less stress, maybe less hours as well if you can.

Single parenting and super high pressure jobs don't mix (I speak from experience).

Doesn't mean go work in macdonalds but find something you can do more on your own terms - perhaps a less heavy part time job for less money - or your own business perhaps? Flexible?

Good luck OP I know how hard it is!

Keep changing jobs until you find whatever suits you and allows you to keep the job at the job and the home life at the home

Oh OP I really feel for you. I am a Solicitor who is 13 years pqe, working in corporate/commercial and also a single mum. I have been a single mum since my baby was only a few weeks ago. I struggled with working full time and looking after my baby for the whole first year after my maternity leave. It was so so difficult. I was so tired and frazzled all the time that it started to affect my work and my boss and everyone noticed. My boss pulled me on loads of issues all the time and I was being watched like an hawk! It got to the point that I was completely riddled with anxiety. I wasn’t sleeping and lost loads of weight. I literally couldn’t think straight and like you thought I couldn’t do the job anymore. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was completely burnt out. I ended up going on sick leave and was off work for 4 months. In that time I gained a lot of perspective and realised my job wasn’t going to work with me as a single mum. Thankfully I applied and got another job inhouse with a great company that allows and values flexible working. I now have a lovely manager and lovely work colleagues and have the freedom to do child care pick ups and drop offs, work from home several days a week and just organise and manage my own work myself. My advice to you would be take time off on sick leave and focus on you. Then apply for inhouse roles. They are sooooo much more flexible and accommodating to parents than private practice. Good luck!

Following as I’m in exactly the same position! I’m 7 PQE but feel useless since coming back from my second mat leave. My manager has changed and my new manager wants almost weekly meetings where she picks holes in everything that I’ve been working on. To all the people speaking about in-house roles: how did you go about finding them? I’m only used to dealing with recruiters for law firms

Go to a couple of law agencies and ask them to set up some interviews for you- clearly your current position is not a good fit.
You are 12 years qualified, you have this , don't worry.
You could even confide in someone at one of the agencies, I'm sure you are not alone in feeling like this after returning from maternity leave.
The law is still a very male dominated profession, trying to get into that headspace, after being at home for months is tough, but you can do it, you had enough intelligence and ambition to qualify and make a living, you can return to it.
Getting names wrong is such a tiny mistake-ignore comments like that, maybe you could consider an assertiveness course- or equality (see it from the other side!). I would definite build a little confidence then move, your boss is clearly not the type to be supportive.

You have a great qualification, a solid track record and a shit of a boss - you can definitely get another job!

Would you think about civil service or other public sector work, eg a regulator, while your child is little - more family friendly, and possibility of reduced hours.

It's hard to juggle, but you should be proud of yourself, some managers, all dickheads by the way, think that a single parent can never be fully committed to their job, and will try to undermine you. I had a boss who used to call me in for pointless chats at 5.30pm most evenings, so I was forced to say at 5.40 that I had to go to get to the childminder. Everyone else might have clocked out at 5.30, but I was, according to him, a clock watcher.

I think you're working for someone like this, who is corroding your self-confidence. It's not you, it's them, but still a good idea to leave.

Hi OP,

I experienced a very similar thing recently. Also lawyer in pp, similar PQE. I came back from mat leave last year and struggled to get back into gear. This coincided with having a new team partner / boss who basically undermined and criticised me so regularly that I lost confidence and began struggling with brain fog and second checking everything I was doing. This was after a previous partner had ground me down by being micro-managey.

I'm a perfectionist anyway and struggle with MH issues, but this new boss was like nothing I'd ever experienced.

I eventually had time off sick, negotiated an exit package (not much but enough to build an emergency fund) and have now moved in-house and sooo much happier. Still working through confidence issues but everyone is supportive and I feel valued and respected and it's amazing how my confidence has bounced back overall.

My only regret (slightly, sometimes) is that I didn't give pp another go in another firm, because then I wouldn't have a lingering feeling that I wasn't good enough for pp. However, as others have said, if there is an individual gunning for you, it's pretty pointless trying to stay there. Well, perhaps not if you have the confidence and staying power to go down the grievance route but I didn't want that, and I doubt the firm would have sided with me anyway.

But all in all I feel in-house is better for me - great holidays, DB pension, more relaxed culture and more interesting work (even if it's a bigger caseload). I'm pretty sure there are loads of commercial in-house roles out there so perhaps that's a route to consider.

I applied for several jobs and got almost all of them, which was also a confidence boost, so hopefully that'd happen to you too - don't worry about interviewing after a long time, it'll come back to you and there are loads of online resources, and best of all just practice with friends / family.

I'd be really happy to talk about my experience more if you wanted to chat.

Good luck, I would be extremely surprised if it's all you - if you've worked in the role ok before you can do it, there may be areas you need to brush up on, but a manager's role is to build you up and encourage you to shine, not to nitpick and undermine you. It's surprising how quickly confidence can be eroded by bad managers, especially when someone is conscientious.

I'd also suggest speaking to an employment lawyer - if it is the case that there's a clash or even if you just indicate that things aren't working out for you and it's partly down to management style which is making you unhappy, then it is likely they'd be willing to pay you off (at least notice pay plus a bit more) which would buy you time to find something new whilst preserving your dignity.

Wishing you well.

I was in a very similar situation, also an experienced solicitor in a corporate firm and struggled juggling this with the pressures of being a single parent to a young child.

I would rather not share too much publicly but please feel free to direct message for a chat, I would be more than happy to discuss and offer a sympathetic ear if nothing else

Is a lingering post natal depression a possibility?

Op i just wanted to say hey and offer my thoughts. Having a small child is bloody gruelling. Having one without a partner, well I can’t even imagine how horrifically stressful it must be. I too am failing at my job due to lack of time/support/generally struggling to keep up with anything and I have a v lovely husband. I think you should talk to your boss. I know that may seem scary but it will help because you will either get more understanding (helpful) or you’ll know what to do (leave). Can you afford to do a boring/menial job until little one goes to school? This is what id do if iwas
you. Hugs. It’s so hard. And more often than not its women who lose out at this point in life xx

@kickasssinglemum thank you for sharing, do you mind me asking if you took a pay cut in house? And also, how do you find the work? I am worried I don’t have masses of drafting experience in all of the areas they tend to expect (I do have the experience but not loads of it). I’m worried I would start in house and then not know what to do. Are you the only in house counsel or is there a team? And did you leave your other job as you were worried about performance/had been called up on it? I’m so stressed and have also lost weight etc. I worry if I take time off sick then I will look bad with a new employer too.

@MaryJane87 thank you. If I am honest if they offered me an exit package I would probably take it. I’m very unhappy and stressed all the time. My friend had said they may offer six months net pay but I am not sure this is true - do you think that is likely? I also don’t really know how these things come about, would I have to explain I can’t carry on like this and that i feel the team dynamic has caused it? Some days I feel really angry that I have been pushed around (been given 4 line managers in the first 8 months of my return!) and not been included in pay review etc with no reason given despite asking. I feel really low and stressed.

I feel for you. You are clearly extremely stressed, all over the place and possibly close to a breakdown. Have you seen your GP yet? Can you get an anti-anxiety med, get signed off work for a couple of weeks and get therapy? Hopefully you'll be able to see your options more clearly, regroup and formulate a plan for a way forward.

OP, that sounds really difficult. But if you could do your job before, then you can do it again. When stressed, small mistakes happen, and when watched like a hawk, they get worse not better. It’s all about creating some calm, so you can regain your confidence. I’m a solicitor and have been where you are. I promise it gets better - a few years down the line I love my job again and know I am good at it.

Can you afford to do a four day week? And then use that day off to work on yourself and your confidence? Alternatively, can you buy in some help so you have less on your plate? In the early days I had a cleaner come in twice a week who did the washing as well as the cleaning and it just meant things were less chaotic at home and I had a bit of breathing space.

Does your workplace offer either some sort of employee assistance programme or private healthcare - either of which you could perhaps use to get some coaching/therapy?