Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

[q1056]

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old and life has, to put it lightly, been hard the last few years.

I am 12 years qualified solicitor in corporate/commercial. Since I returned from Mat leave I haven’t felt like I know what I’m doing. Had a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law and I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc.

Im being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc. My confidence is at rock bottom and now I’m feeling watched at all times. I’m scared to move jobs as I don’t feel I know enough. And if I go somewhere else what if I literally don’t know what to do. I feel sick.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like life is falling in on me

Go see your GP. Get signed off for a week if you need it - makes sure your employer is aware the reason is work related stress. Ask for a return to work meeting with someone other than your manager and flag to them that you feel undermined. If nothing changes, take more time off and look for a similar role elsewhere

I honestly don't think you will be put on a performance review, I think your boss knows that, and is playing up because I am guessing you've been in the company longer than they have, and they're feeling threatened in some way now you're back?

Please don't let your imposter syndrome get you down. I have worked for some horrendous bosses and genuinely thought I was the issue and was rubbish at my job. However moved to a new company in the same industry and progressed very quickly and am now at Director level. Genuinely, in the old company though I felt like I was worthless and knew nothing. Interestingly, they fought to keep me, it was just the management structure was so awful they didn't know how to motivate/support and keep their staff.

Is there anything measurable you've been pulled up on performance wise?

Spelling errors unless constant would not be a disciplinary issue. They would have to prove your performance is below par to be able to get rid of you when you've been in the company as long as you have, and are just back from maternity. Please try and keep this in your head to give you some breathing space before deciding on your next move.

You have a manager problem, as others have said go to HR. High performing staff do not change overnight, your manager is undermining your confidence for a reason, usually they have someone else in mind for your job, do not tolerate this - take a step back from meetings with them as much as possible, this is a tactic used to disrupt your day, and focus on the work.

Another problem you may have is that your manager is badmouthing you to people, I know its awful, deal directly with people as much as possible do not be afraid to go direct with updates on projects and make sure you take credit for your own work.

all the best.

Sounds like a toxic boss. Time to look for a new position?

I'm sure you're going to get some other solicitors comment but my understanding from friends is that it is not a positive industry for a working parent and that pushing new mum's into resignations is common practice.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Remember you still have the same skills and knowledge as you did 4 years ago, don't let them undermine you so much you question that.

Could you try to identify what you think your weaknesses are, just top 3. Say no 1 is mispelling names. Then you focus on trying to fix this issue methodically. I hope it will help with your confidence if you know you have improved. Meanwhile, look for opportunities locally. You never know what you'd find.

I'd be careful jumping ship to be honest.

If you go somewhere else, you can be got rid of for no reason at any time in the next two years.. which, in your position, is very bad news, you need stability above all else at the moment, and at least with the job you've got, you would have to go through a process of discipline (if it in fact came to that) before anything happens, it would be better to tackle your issues before it gets that far.

I can't tell you how much I feel your pain, I'm not a single parent but have a child the same age, and I run my own business, there is so much that I am responsible for I feel in a bit of a fog at times, like you are just waiting for the weekend to come round so you can take a breath and have no one bothering you, I find myself procrastinating a lot (on here usually), or doing insignificant tasks that are easy to solve, instead of dealing with issues that I have or chipping away at my massive workload.. it's like self sabotage but I don't know why.. I think when the pressure gets too much it's easier to run away from ALL of it than deal with ANY of it, eventually I have to just knuckle down and have days of not enough sleep to just bring myself up to speed.

You are obviously extremely clever, so my best advice would be, stop anything that you don't need to be doing right now and put everything in to solving your immediate work related issues.. imagine this was a friend of colleague in the same situation, what would you advise? How could you help them? My first step is writing absolutely everything down that I need to deal with, or anything that is a problem and breaking it down so you can deal with things one bit at a time.. Once kiddo is in bed, FORCE yourself to sit and starting dealing with things.

It won't solve your problems, but if you are anything like me you will start to feel so much better as soon as you start tackling the problem.

I havent RTFT yet (will go back and do it later) but just to say there was a long thread a little while ago with lawyers who were all in a similar position to you and who were considering moving to civil service law jobs due to the different culture / flexibility to private practice. It might be worth having a read as it might offer you some thoughts from others in a similar position.

Looking in from the outside

id attack and out in a complaint about the toxic attitude of the person criticising

and I’d get in fast and first

this constant toxic behaviour is undermining your confidence

@q1056 you don’t just quit, that’s for sure! First step, small steps - everyone here wants to help. Do you own or rent? Is the father of your dc in the picture? Helpful friends or family around?
Are the basics ok - you’re eating a decent diet, not anemic, getting enough sleep? Is it worth a doctor’s appointment to check /discuss how you’re feeling so frazzled? If you’re only feeling so incompetent since returning after mat leave or since this person started criticising you, perhaps it’s that that’s making you feel this way. If you have time, check out a book called ‘Jerks at Work’ for useful advice on how to deal with stuff. You’ve been there for 12 years - you must be good at your job or they’d have got rid of you long before this! Have you anyone to talk this situation over with irl?

Sounds like stress.
Have work got things in place for Wellbeing ?

I experienced this when I went back to work after maternity leave as a single parent. A new member of staff had started in my absence. She was 10 years younger than me, didn’t have kids yet, and although she wasn’t senior to me, she set about making my life a misery. She got really chummy with the other partners, and seemed intent on discrediting me, implying I wasn’t pulling my weight etc. She arranged meetings at short notice that I couldn’t manage due to child care, and seemed to enjoy making me look like a slacker for not attending. I was exhausted, felt I was underperforming at work and a crap mum at home. It was awful, and it nearly broke me. But I stuck it out. I had people at work who I got on with, and I’d been there a long time, so there was no way she was going to hound me out.

Fast forward a few years, my kids were older, bit more self sufficient, and I was able to be more flexible. Meanwhile she had had kids, so now she had to rush off for pick-ups (husband worked long hours). I wasn’t so tired, and I’d got my confidence back. Fast forward even more years - my kids are late teens - no more child care worries for me - but she still has plenty. I’m glad I gritted my teeth and stuck it out.

OP this time will pass, you’ll get your mojo back. You just need to ride the storm. It won’t be for ever.

You are a qualified solicitor and very capable. It sounds like confidence taken a hit.
Money is crap but local government are crying out for commercial solicitors, pretty much every authority recruiting. Good work life balance. Very flexible.
If you need to talk to someone lawcare have a helpline.

Hi op @q1056

I am not in law, am an accountant, but your post really resonated. I felt completely thick / useless / slow when I went back to work.

I just want to encourage you because the brain fog did eventually lift and my brain did come back to life. It was a very uncomfortable period though - I felt incompetent at everything.

Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you and hang in there.

@q1056 set up as a sole trader, set up a website with copy from AI, pin your business and phone number locally, attend local business networking events, work from a coworking space. Job done. 💪

He’s taking away your confidence bit by bit.

It sounds like making a mistake consumes your every fibre (it does me), but even the best people make mistakes at some point.

You can do your job, BUT this guy is getting inside your head by putting you down and undermining your ability. Don’t let the bastard invade your thoughts. Concentrate on what you’re doing, even if you have to check it 3 times.

Look after yourself, and make sure you try and get enough sleep. You know you’re capable, you studied hard to get where you are and you have learned a huge amount in 12 years.

If and when you are ready to leave, then leave, but don’t let the bastard get the better of you and try to push you.

Grit your teeth and be strong, and the next time he try’s to put you down, imagine him being naked on the loo. If you laugh, so what, your brain and your private thoughts 😁💐

Op when your confidence goes you start worrying and making mistakes. Have a critical think about whether you are suited to the job and ok doing it and if you honestly aren’t good enough (and sorry but you were before and nothing professional wise has changed!) then think about changing to admin work or something similar. Go easy on yourself op x

Hi @q1056

I am a single mum, also worked full time for 20 years in a tricky client facing industry.

I am so so sorry you’re going through this. It will get better. You are clever and bright - and you are struggling because you’re tired, life is hard and you’re panicking. It’s not because you can’t do your job - pls believe that xxx

First - get an appointment with HR. Beforehand prep in detail the elements which have made you feel insecure and make a complaint and say that you feel you’re not being supported and there is an element of misogyny about the complaints. Say this is what you feel and ask them for suggestions to support you.

Second - don’t leave yet until you have a plan. It will be difficult for them to get rid of you - as you have been there a while. They will need to carry out a full disciplinary process and then a hearing which they haven’t even started yet or give you a big pay off and an NDA. Resigning or quitting is not what you need to do at this stage - as some of this may be in your head because you’re so exhausted.

Third - can you get more help around home or with childcare? I used to pay someone to collect my DC from nursery a couple of days a week so I could really work without worrying about leaving for a pick up at least 2 days a week. You may need that person to continue to help with school pick ups so could be an attractive offer of regular work for someone? I had a young women who ended up working for me for 6 years who collected from nursery and then from school. It was a life saver. I also worked for many years from 9pm til midnight catching up, planning the next day and reading over stuff. You are in a very difficult age which will get better in the early years of school if you have the right support in place by then.

Fourth - self care - including stopping scrolling. This causes brain fog and procrastination. Really try and limit that. Use any spare time to think and plan for you… try and get phone use right down just for messaging close friends and family.

Five - look to move client side by end of year maybe??? Still hard but at least you’re not client responsive all the time and jumping through hoops.

Six - ensure you’re as organised as you possibly can be in the home. From a cleaner who also washes and irons, regular weekly slot for online delivery that you never change just update the evening before; dry cleaner may deliver stuff back to you (mine did as a favour); birthday cards and presents in a stash at home for your DC age group ; and try not to over schedule wherever possible at weekend so you have some downtime.

This will pass… I promise … you’re doing the hardest thing - sending lots of love x

Hi,
I felt similar when I returned to my job after mat leave. I was rock bottom confidence, mood and mental health. I left that job to where I am now and it was like a switch clicked overnight and I'm back to my old self.
I'd think it's not so much you, as the company you've gone back to. Maybe look at other jobs and take a chance on you.
Wishing you all the best 😊

oh well. I am a lawyer of over25 pqe. rarely post. oh my!!! THIS!!!!!

@q1056 op start right here! start with what YOU can change right now. if I had decided to post, it was this and only this, I would have posted. good luck.

It sounds like you rightly or wrongly feel that you are not performing well in your current role. A fresh start might be good for you.

If you feel that the whole interview process is overwhelming, perhaps start by speaking to a recruiter and applying for a couple of roles without pressure or expectations. Don’t focus too much on getting the job, but on finding out what’s out there. After a couple of ‘practice’ interviews, your interviewing skills will be up to date and you’ll have a better idea of what a new role could offer.

Staying in a role where you feel you’re not performing well and there’s not much opportunity to advance won’t help your self esteem or career.

The pay in local government legal is so dire they are struggling to recruit even newly qualified. A 12 years PQE would be snapped up. It’s so flexible as that is the only way they can recruit and retain staff. Mostly female and very supportive atmosphere. It’s whether you can survive on pay it once dc at school and no nursery fees.

I’ve struggled to leave on time for nursery runs etc Honestly, I think the role you're currently doing just isn't compatible with leaving at 5pm for nursery pick up

I'm being criticised all the time. Little things like spelling an unusual name wrong etc Hmm, I'd say that names are very important and attention to detail is vital, especially when clients are paying £££ for a service

Impossible for posters to know whether this is imposter syndrome, an unsympathetic boss, or whether this role just doesn't suit you

I've walked in your shoes (broadly similar) and it was very stressful indeed. I changed direction within my own field and totally love what I do now. So, you may need a more drastic solution than moving to do the same job in a new firm

I have had times like this (not a solicitor, but c-level in a male dominated industry with no boundaries)

Everything Lilactimes says.

What's helped me:

I've tried various food things - my kids are older, so are more (or perhaps differently) opinionated on what they'd eat, but when I'm drowning, I fall back on meal planning with fixed meals every day which I just load up in the freezer/fridge and just not having to think about takes a massive load off, and no shame buying in or getting takeaway because it's just too much on any particular day.

I have fixed things I do on particular days - eg. Sunday I iron my eldest's shirts for the week, Tuesday I do the food shop, Saturday I clean the kitchen (and I just let it be during the week). By having it in a routine, I don't even have to think about it any other day - any looming task, I just pencil into the routine so I stop having to remember it.

Calendar. Everything goes on the calendar. If it's not on the calendar, it doesn't exist.

Have some fun still. Eg. last year I spent every weekend for a month working on my youngest's halloween costume with him. Sure, housework fell behind, but we had a lot of fun, and I got a genuine sense of achievement from it.

Try and get some fresh air when you can. I'm guessing it's not easy at your job, but when I've been drowning, just getting 10 mins at lunch, or going and sitting on the back doorstep with a cup of tea Sunday morning. Just stopping and taking a breath, even for a couple of minutes.

Law is a small field. People talk. I wouldn't want a reputation for causing trouble. Better to leave on good terms