Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

I think you have different ideas about how important this is. They just want a piece of paper.

She doesn't want a wedding she wants to get married for legal purposes if thats what her and her partner want they have every right to it.
Its not about you so respect their wishes

Have you told her? "I completely understand you are doing this for estate planning purposes and that you want to keep it low-key, however, especially after your health scare, I would like to be there. I love you and want to celebrate you even in the little ways, its important for me to be there. You do not need to pay for us but I would like to attend and be part of this event." When you lay it out, what did she say?

It sounds like they have a committed relationship that they were happy with, but just need to finalise this bit of faff in order to appease the state and make sure they are looking after each other in the best way they can.

This isn't about celebrating their relationship, or formalising things or setting out a commitment. 30 years has done that, not a piece of paper. They have to have someone there to witness, it sounds like if witnesses weren't a requirement no one would be going.

Please don't make this about you. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Quite frankly this wedding has little to do with their relationship either, its more to do with HMRC

I would absolutely love to marry my boyfriend just the two of us, nobody else. It would be my second marriage and his third, who needs a circus? I don’t think I could actually do it because I wouldn’t want to upset my kids, but they are still young. If I was 80 and they were grown, I wouldn’t think twice!

I’d be hurt if I were you as well. If they got married in a ceremony where they pulled witnesses off the street and there were no guests or family witnesses then that wouldn’t bother me because they’re just covering the legalities but inviting the groom’s daughter and partner to the ceremony and celebratory meal afterwards and not the bride’s children is exclusionary.

Firstly, why would you expect your mother’s stepdaughter to look after her when shes ill? Why couldn't her partner look after her?
Secondly, why cant you say to your DM - “I’d really love to come to the wedding, I’m happy to pay for myself if cost is an issue”.

It's not just a piece of paper as they are going out for a meal afterwards but with OP's mum's partner's daughter and husband, not with OP or her sister.

It does seem like a deliberate snub, particularly as the invited daughter didn't step up at all when OP's mum was taken into hospital. I would take a step back.

I agree - but I think it was a bad choice to then pick the partner's daughter and spouse as witnesses, so that his child is there but OP isn't. I think they should either have had OP and partner's daughter as the two there, or picked two friends as witnesses and have no family there. Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses. I can see why OP is hurt that, inconsequential as they may think this is, they have invited some family but not her.

I assumed it was because the OP has kids. The partners daughter fills the requirement of having the witnesses. If you invite OP to be a witness she is going to want to bring kids and husband. So rather than 2 guests it is then 7 which is a massive jump

^This^

You are making her wedding all about you, and dredging up excuses to feel aggrieved. You accuse them of being tight, you complain that his daughter didn't dump her "poorly" (your term) husband to attend on your mother. Honestly, I am sure they pick up on your attitude and I wouldn't invite you either - not because you cost too much but because I would prefer people who like me to be there.

Some older people, particularly if they already live together, just wouldn't consider it a "family" occasion. I wanted a minimal event and if it had been left to me it would have been just two random witnesses. My now husband eventually convinced me to invite our siblings and their spouses and one remaining parent. They got two weeks notice. I would have absolutely hated a big "do" of any kind.

Just for context, he’s 81, totally deaf in one ear but won’t wear a hearing aid so he couldn’t hear what the doctors were telling him about her and couldn’t lip read as they were wearing masks. He was getting very upset thinking she was going to die and texting us saying ‘I don’t know what’s going on, they’ve left her in the corridor in a&e’ It takes me just over 3 hours to drive there, my sister is further. His daughter is 20 mins away. It was a practicality thing.

As so often first reply nails it. It’s a financial contract for them. All they’re doing is formalising their current situation.

This is my thinking. If they just want the bit of paper, pick friends, pick strangers but don’t pick one child or say ‘yes we want you there’ at first then if it means you can save £200, no we don’t want you at the ceremony (also ok) but then no we also don’t want you at the meal.

YANBU and it is a perfectly reasonable response on your part. Sorry about the situation 🏵

That would hurt but pull back from her. Next time she’s ill.. be busy !

My DH & me got married with only a couple of close friends as witnesses. We had a very quiet registry office wedding and only told people after the event. We are both mature in years have children & grandchildren scattered around the UK & other parts of the world, we felt that we couldn't invite one without the others and wanted a marriage not the fuss of a wedding. Probably your mum feels the same.

You’ve missed the point. I want to be there because I want to congratulate them, share in the happy event, take some nice photos for the future with my mum and her kids and grandkids. She isn’t going to be here forever. She nearly died a few weeks ago. It absolutely isn’t about me.

My mother is the same age - my sisters and I live a similar distance away. She’s single but if she were to get married I can guarantee we wouldn’t be invited. The reasons being A- she would be embarrassed at doing something as nakedly emotional as saying vows and wouldn’t want us to see it. B - she doesn’t want us to get the idea that we are important enough to be invited (we are never allowed to see her on her birthday for this reason) she would tell us all about all her millions of friends she is seeing and in the same breath tell us that doing anything with us is the “last thing” she wants to do. This is a “don’t be getting ideas above your station” parenting technique that she uses to develop us into well rounded adults. That’s me, aged 53, and my sister, 58. C - it’s “daft” and not being daft is the #1 aim in life.
If you have 3 married dc between you with various dgc and you want to keep in small, the obvious thing is to invite the adult dds without their partners and dc. Can they just be thinking “why would candlemas want to drive a 6hr round trip for this?”

I think YABU, because this isn't a big celebration, or big life event as far as they are concerned.
I would agree, in general terms that is is sad, and indeed odd to get married without family there when it is a more usual wedding but you have clearly said they have lived in the same house for 30 years and are literally doing this to make the paperwork easier when one of them dies. To them, it isn't a 'wedding' in the traditional sense, it is just the same as them going to a solicitor's office to sign some paperwork. You wouldn't expect to be at that, would you ?
If you need someone to witness that, then it makes sense to be someone who can pop there and back in under an hour, rather than someone who lives 200 miles away.

The issue here is you are viewing their desire to make things easier when one dies as some big public statement of love and uniting families, whereas they are viewing it the same as an appt at a solicitors to sign a will.

You want to be there. That's ok. It is also about what you want. If you geneuinely want to be there and genuinely believe that it is about the money, you could tell her that you want to come, explain why, and will pay for it yourselves? Posting about it here is hardly going to change the situation. Doing something about it might.

It’s merely a legal contract for them. Don’t try and make it about you and support them however they choose to do it.

They obviously prefer to have witnesses they know rather than strangers, so it’s not surprising they will then go on somewhere afterwards. Don’t spoil it for them.

YABU
Dp and I are getting married this year.

We've not even told anyone. We're going to the registry office with our 2 eldest children who will be witnesses.

The youngest 2 will have to wait outside as it would cost £250 to have them attend!

It's just a legality for us

I am not sure what your relatives are like (maybe you have a lot of clowns in it) but inviting my daughters and GC would in no way be classed as a "circus"