Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Yes. Not sure that being deaf is an indication of not having the capacity to marry. Strange thing to say.

What? You think deafness = mental incapacity?

But you live miles away?

Surely they're just asking the kid that lives closest to them to be the witness, so that it's less fuss? Which is what they want.

I do understand that it must feel sad that you're not included, but have you considered that for your mum and her partner this might be the opposite of a happy event? They clearly have no interest in getting married for romantic reasons and the only reason they're doing it now is because they know that it's likely that, after 30 years together, one of them is likely to die in the not too distant future. Your mums recent illness has possibly highlighted this for them. It's likely that they just want to get it done without any fuss and your mums partners daughter was the most convenient person/least likely to make a fuss that they could think of. Is your relationship with your mum usually good? I wouldn't allow this one issue to taint it if it is.

@MiniPantherOwner this is a possibility. However it started with plans of a nice day, in a pretty location etc etc and then it’s now been whittled down to a dour exchange of signatures because it’s cheap.

This is true, I do live miles away. But I’m happy to be there for them.

Your MIL sounds absolutely dreadful but there is nothing to indicate that OP is anything like your MIL or that she is angling for an inheritance.

I can see why the witnesses being his daughter and her DP upset you. But I imagine your DM and her DPs thought process was "John and Jane are the physically closest people. They are giving up their time to do this, let's take them for a meal afterwards." They are being thoughtless about the optics rather than exclusionary.

Is there a reason why you and your sister can't propose a separate meal for your family, somewhere kid friendly, at your expense?

Have you told your mum how you feel? My guess is there is a pattern where you, mum and sister assume you know the others' motivations and feelings but don't actually express these.

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be upset but being honest it’s not a “wedding” as such like you feel it is, to them it’s a piece of paper. I’m assuming partners daughter and husband are invited as they live nearby.

Without sounding harsh your mum probably doesn’t want to make it a big todo, she doesn’t want her kids and grandkids there buying outfits etc it’s just not what she wants / needs.

I agree, that is likely.

Do tell your mother you feel a bit hurt, though. Maybe she doesn't realise that it affects you and might make a bit more of the occasion.

It’s just them signing a bit of paper, it’s not a wedding like you feel it is.

I suppose you could look at the positives - when the inevitable happens their affairs will be much easier to sort out if they are married.

I'm surprised your mum hasn't thought that it's not fair that his daughter gets to go but hers don't. surely it would be better to just take a couple of friends or people off the street as witnesses instead. then no family are invited and it's fair.

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

Well my then middle aged mum and her 2nd husband didn't invite us to her wedding.

Didn't ask why.
They did have a family get together the next day or thereabouts with our side of the family, at their house.

Off topic, but have you thought about inheritance? If your Mum goes first and leaves her estate to her new husband, I'm guessing your inheritance will go to his children.

And she’s changed her mind about what she wants. She wants something even more stripped down than originally planned. She has chosen her partner’s daughter as witness because she lives in the next village precisely so that there isn’t the sense of occasion that will inevitably arise if you’re driving several hundred miles to be there with lots of young children. Plus you want photographs with them and your children as a big, final family occasion. That’s not what she wants. Surely it’s not that hard to understand?

Plus your attitude to your mother’s partner’s daughter is deeply unreasonable? Why would she drop everything to help if her own DH was ill? It’s not her mother who’s ill!

And are you really saying your mother needs to invite you to her wedding to ‘reward’ you for helping when she was ill?

Yeah my Dad got married without me there and didnt tell me until after. My brother & sister didn't go either but they were only kids ( 14 year age gap )

However, my auntie and her husband were the witnesses and everyone apart from me apparently knew about it.

It's not nice and I dont know why they would choose to have one daughter there and one not.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be at the wedding of someone you love, especially your own Mum

Always going to be tricky to invite one kid and not the other, although they are nearer as you explain so it perhaps just makes better financial sense for them. You’re grown ups and can surely just wish them well! If you truly want to be there beyond it only being because another kid is there - then why not offer to pay for yourselves? We eloped and didn’t take any family even for witnesses for this very reason. Much easier although we still get earache from some quarters over it.

There isn’t, no, but there’s everything wrong with expecting to be there despite the clearly-expressed wishes of that person. If you love them, respect their wishes, even if you would choose differently.

I think you are being ridiculous. You might have beliefs on what a wedding and marriage are but from what you say this sounds like a life admin task for them.

And did they invite family members from the other side to the wedding and for a celebratory meal afterwards? There are no plans for OP's mum to celebrate with her DCs. So it's not really the same at all, is it?