Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Agree I wish people would not spout such nonsense, really! FFS, because the OP wants to be at her own mother's wedding (as the mother's partner's DC is going to be) to celebrate with them, and take photos and enjoy the day, she is 'making it all about HER!'

What a load of bollocks! 😂 Did you actually read that through before you clicked submit post?! You should have!!! You are spouting utter nonsense.

This

Also @Spirallingdownwards 's post on P3

I understand why the OP is upset. She and her family have been excluded while the partner's daughter is included.

And it's not simply about getting the legalities sorted out. According to OP her DM and partners first spoke about getting married a year ago. Since then her DM has been seriously ill, and even with that in mind, the wedding is now delayed till April. They could have been married last year if this was just about the paperwork.

@BatchCookBabe - just because someone holds a different opinion from yours, doesn't make what they say "utter nonsense".

This is a discussion forum. People have different views.

I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.

So don’t say that, just say it’s just the two of them and a couple of witnesses because they don’t want a fuss and are keeping it low key.

You say you want to be there to congratulate them, could you not offer to take them out for a meal the following weekend? Or ask if you’re ok to visit them later in the day at home once they are back from their meal? I understand you feeling a bit miffed but at the end of the day they are clearly only getting married for the piece of paper to make things easier when one passes. They probably asked SD because she lives closer. What if they’d of asked you and not SD or your sister? Someone else would then be upset if they wanted to go but your mum and partner shouldn’t have to have a wedding they don’t want to please everyone else

What a really horrible post. Calling the OP a petulant stroppy teenager for being upset at being left out of her mum's wedding when mum's partner's DC is invited.

Shame on you !! Have a word with yourself!

I would be really hurt at this too. Like you say, if it's just a formality thing you'd just have two witnesses off the street and then go home, wouldn't you?

As someone who got married in a register office and had two unrelated witnesses, I was adamant I didn’t want anyone else involved. I later found out my aunt was insisting on waiting outside the office, but someone managed to stop her.
it hurt that someone really didn’t respect my wishes tbh.

if you want to congratulate them, take them for a meal some other time, but just respect their wishes, honestly.

@Candlemascandy
Have you told your mum how you feel?
I'd be upset too.
YANBU

I think this is the exact conversation you should have.

Yes indeed, people are entitled to differing views, but that post was utter nonsense. OP is NOT making anything 'all about her.' She just wants to go to her own mother's wedding FFS, just like her mother's partner's DC is doing.

Some really nasty cold-hearted posts on here. Lots of us support you @Candlemascandy

Ignore the cold hearted posts, and the haters. I hope whatever happens, that you have a happy life.

But I would be giving your mum a wide berth from now on. Seriously. You know how the saying goes... When someone shows you who they are, believe them............

No they wouldn't. I woukd respect my mum's wishes as much as my husband, SILs and BILs and I have respected his and his partners. He has been my FIL and I have always seen his partner as MIL for the 27 years I have been with my DH.

Don't project your feelings about your ILs on to me. Some families are closer. I would say we are which is exactly why we respect them and their choice.

@Arseynal it sounds like your mum and mine we’re made with the same factory settings. ❤️ to you x

It is really important they each make a new will as soon as they are married. A marriage invalidates any existing will and whoever dies first will be considered intestate and everything goes to the surviving partner(and usually thence to their blood relatives if they also die intestate.) The surviving partner can leave everything to whoever they like, if they make a will, often this will not be their step children.
Sorry to be mentioning wills and assets but so few people know these things.

I don't think I’d be too fussed. It’s not exactly a romantic gesture on their parts, they just want to get their finances in order. If they could do it online they probably would.

Yep. Remember we started out from a position of ‘let’s have a small civil ceremony with you all there. Will need to be in school holidays to make it easy for you to come etc etc’ with me helping them to navigate websites to choose the ‘prettiest’ looking building which they could have a small ceremony at, then looking at registry offices, then looking at cheapest ceremony only on a Saturday in term time with a meal afterwards that some of your grandchildren can’t come to as they are under 14.
She knows we want to come.

Oh give over. Like you’re Matron of the thread 🙄

The woman is over 80 years old, and she’s said in plain English she doesn’t want a fuss or to spend any money. IT’S NOT A WEDDING. They’re signing a contract which, like a will, needs a witness. (I wonder who witnessed the mum’s will - actually I don’t.) She’s said this in plain English. I can’t see anywhere on this thread that she’s having a wedding to which she’s disinvited her children. That’s all made up by whoever, OP and people who clearly see themselves in her. Of course it’s petulant teenage behaviour demanding your parent do what YOU want (neeeeeeed) them to do rather than what they want to do, getting upset and feeling slighted when they don’t. Have you ever had a teenager?!

This right here is your issue. You don’t want to go to be there for your mum because you don’t just want it to be you. You want to bring along the grandkids and god knows who else for some pictures. You know they are trying to keep the costs down. The grooms daughter is perhaps happy to come along just her and her DP but since you seem to come as a package lot with kids attached that’s why you’re not invited.

yes this

Thanks. Yes they know this. I was the one who pointed out to them that they needed to get their act together legally as an unmarried couple. Initially they told me I was only saying it to protect my inheritance (for the record, I’m expecting precisely zero from my mum) In the end when a solicitor told them about the surviving partner being hit with IHT on the house they changed their minds. So they know they have to go back to the solicitor again if they do eventually marry.

Technically your mother isnt choosing any of her own children to attend!

Do they both have the capacity to marry? Especially your stepfather who is deaf.

Op, no wonder you’re upset. I would be as well.

Can you suggest that your step sister is her father’s witness and you’re your mums?

But this is a family occasion they made it a family occasion when they chose to invite grooms family